Last week I decided to reread Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.
It’s my go-to book that I use when I’m looking for answers around substance use.
It is also one that I often pass on to parents who are trying to help their teens or young adults change.
I’ve read the book a few times. I always learn something more each time I read it.
What I have found so helpful are the options that family members are given to help their loved ones.
As I’m sure you know, dealing with substance use isn’t easy. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take years, before your child is living a healthy life.
You can use the strategies offered in the book that make the most sense for you and your family.
After reading the book, I realize that one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to addiction. Parents need options to help themselves and their son or daughter.
The first step in helping your child change is to start with yourself. Addiction affects everyone in the family. Yet you can still have a peaceful life even if your child is struggling with substances.
Things You Can Change
- How comfortable you are right now
- How optimistic you are in general
- What behaviors you encourage
- How much you argue
- How often you smile
- How much you sleep
- How strong you feel
- Your habitual reactions
- Your tone of voice
- What you pay attention to
- Your point of view
- The atmosphere in your home
- How isolated you feel
- How you deal with stress
- How much you worry
- Your heart rate
- How you spend your money
- How you express concern
- What substances you use
- How you help
- How you can get help
- What kind of help you get
- The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning
- Whether anything good happens today
- How much you enjoy life
The CRAFT APPROACH
The book explains the Community Reinforcement or CRAFT approach which you can learn more about here.
The goal of CRAFT is to:
- to teach you the skills to take care of yourself
- to teach you skills you can use to help your loved one change
- to reduce substance use, period, whether you loved one gets formal treatment or not[/li]
CRAFT uses collaboration and kindness rather than confrontation and conflict to help your loved one change. Since I’m a person who is not big on conflict, that felt like a better approach.
Dr. Meyers is the founder of CRAFT. He and other research groups have studied the CRAFT approach. They included diverse family groups who had members struggling with a variety of substances.
Here are their results:
- Two-thirds of people using substances who had been initially resistant to treatment agreed to go to treatment after about five sessions.
- The majority of participating spouses and parents reported being happier, less depressed, less angry, and have more family cohesion and less family conflict than prior to their CRAFT sessions, whether or not their loved one engaged in treatment.
- CRAFT’s effectiveness in engaging substance users and improving family functioning is found across substance types, relationship types, and ethnicities.
When I started on the journey with my family, the message I received was to find a 12-step meeting. Many have found support through the traditional approach. It is definitely beneficial to connect with others in your area who are on the same path.
There are parts of the CRAFT approach that are like a traditional approach. The main difference is that the traditional approach says to let go and detach. CRAFT says there are things you can do as a parent to help your child change.
When we look at the numbers of people that we’ve lost in recent years due to opioid overdoses, it is understandable that parents are concerned. They are often told to allow their child to hit rock bottom. Science now says it is better to intervene early before things get worse.
Maintaining a positive relationship with your child is a powerful tool that is helpful. You will have a better chance your child will interact with and listen to you as you both move forward.
My hope is that you have as much information as possible. I want you to find support in a way that helps, whether it is a 12-step, an evidence-based approach or a combination of both.
What can be helpful is to have a patchwork approach to recovery. This can apply to family members as well. Use what appeals to you and what makes sense for your family from the available information.
Discoveries
From Beyond Addiction, here are ten discoveries by scientists and clinicians over the past 40 years that will give you hope when your child has drug or alcohol issues.
- You can help.
- Helping yourself helps.
- Your loved one isn’t crazy.
- The world isn’t black-and-white.
- Labels do more hard than good.
- Different people need different options.
- Treatment isn’t the be-all and end-all.
- Ambivalence is normal.
- People can be helped at any time.
- Life is a series of experiments.
10 Quotes from Beyond Addiction
Finally, here are some of the quotes from the book that I have found particularly helpful. There is so much more information available, so this is only scratching the surface.
1. CRAFT treats the problems families face as a deficit of skills rather than as a disease of codependence.
2. We recommend that you think less about getting your loved one to admit to addiction and more about what it takes to build a better life.
3. We can’t stress this enough: what looks like an unwillingness to change is often a defensive reaction.
4. Your loved one is affecting his brain chemistry with substances, you can affect his brain chemistry with the way you interact.
5. Treat them with respect and present them with a range of options, and their resistance will decrease. Nobody likes to be bossed around.
6. Motivation to change can occur whenever the costs of a behavior outweigh the benefits.
7. The dopamine system can and does recover, starting as soon as we stop flooding. it.
8. Research has shown that learning new habits to replace old habits changes the brain.
9. Friends and family understandably worry all through the ebb and flow of their loved one’s use and its consequences. This can go on for years, with worry crossing over to panic when calm and patience would serve everyone better.
10. It takes courage for any of us to examine ourselves, to step back and ask, Is this who I want to be?
What You Can Do
Dealing with your child’s substance use is never easy. It can be heartbreaking for parents. I’ve even had parents tell me they feel like they have PTSD.
Self-care is job number 1. Second, engage in positive communication. It will allow you to understand what is going on with your child so that you have the best chance of helping them change. Third, allow for natural consequences. It will help your child accept responsibility for their actions. It is a powerful motivator.
Most often you have the wisdom inside to make good decisions. Listen to your instincts. Be sure you are supporting your child’s recovery, not their continued use. Find out as many facts around the problem as possible.
You’ve helped your child get through the many stages to become a teen or young adult. You can continue to help them. You have a greater influence over your child than you ever imagined.
I’ll never forget when my daughter turned to me and said, “I can’t continue with behavior that is going to make my mom cry.”
Knowing the pain she was causing her family was one of the things that pushed my daughter to create a better life for herself.
Your response from the heart can make that difference too.
Remember, change is possible. You will have the best chance when you practice self-care, stay positive, and allow your child to take responsibility for their actions.
Note: The Beyond Addiction book link is an affiliate link, which means I may get a small Amazon commission if you buy the book from this website.
As a mom who’s lived through substance use before, I understand how disorienting it can feel to not know where to begin or how to help. If you are looking for tips that can get you started down the road to recovery, download my FREE Guide: 20 Tips To Help Your Child Overcome Substance Use.
Thank you for being there for your child when they need you the most! XO, Cathy
Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash
Cathy,
I like the gentle aspect of this approach and of course because it is brain-based. It is so true that no one likes to be bossed around and treated disrespectfully. I’m thinking that it could apply to other mental health issues as well.
Hi Debbie, The gentle approach appealed to me as well. The concepts certainly can be applied to other mental health issues as well. When I learn about the CRAFT approach, it made so much sense to me. Many of the parents I talk to have found it to be helpful as well.
Cathy,
There is so much in this post beyond the quotes. The quotes themselves are amazing powerful. I can see why you feel so positive about the CRAFT approach.
I do feel passionate about the approach, Sandra. So many parents and other family members struggle with detaching from their loved ones. It is such a relief to know there are other options.
Love the quote you highlighted for the post because it speaks to the parent. I find that parents FORGET or don’t realize that their own well-being is just as important if not more in some ways. Ultimately “we” are the role models of what healthy living looks like, acts like and “smells right”. Communicating from a grounded, resourced place can make a positive impact, in my experience, (personally as wife, mother, sister, daughter and in my professional life). I’ve had to make daily self care a practice and I continue to use a wellness recovery action plan every day. It works when I work it. It doesn’t seem obvious, or it seems too simple-how can it work? I’ll end with this quote by Richie Norton (speaker, author, blogger)that I just found that seems to sum up: “Simplicity is complex. It’s never simple to keep things simple. Simple solutions require the most advanced thinking.” Thanks so much, Cathie for your dedication to service.
Hi Shelley,
Thank you for your input! I agree that parents can get so caught up in their child’s issues, that they forget about themselves. I love your comment about coming from a grounded, resourced place can make a positive impact. My experience is that we tend to assume we are taking care of ourselves, or if we are not, we tell ourselves that we’ll get to it when we can. It is helpful to realize the impact of staying healthy so that we can be there for ourselves and our kids.
This article is so full of useful and wise information Cathy. I’m in awe of all you do in this oh so difficult arena. Love Elle 🙂
Thank you, Elle!
Cathy, this is an excellent and gentle approach to bring about lasting positive change in peoples lives. Thank you for sharing it.
xoxo, Z~
The gentle approach does seem to work better, so I was happy to learn about CRAFT. Thanks for stopping by, Zeenat
Can you please send me more info on this in a book form, please?
Hi Jessica,
You can find Beyond Addiction on Amazon. I’ll email you a link.