codependency

Breaking the Cycle of Codependency

When it comes to addiction, family members, especially parents, are always concerned about codependency. That’s why I’m pleased to share this interview with Darlene Lancer who can shed some light on the subject.

1. Can you please briefly introduce yourself to the readers who may not know you?

I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert in relationships and codependency. My recent book, Codependency for Dummies reflects my personal experience of over 30 years in recovery and counseling individuals and couples for 25 years and as Program Director of Brookside Institute’s Los Angeles Office for addiction rehabilitation. I’ve been a radio guest, consultant, and presenter at many rehabilitation facilities, universities, colleges, and various organizations, including the California State Bar Association.

In addition to my two ebooks, I’ve published many articles in professional and popular periodicals and blog regularly on my own and numerous websites.

Prior to becoming a psychotherapist, I was an entertainment lawyer. I received a Masters in Psychology from Antioch University and a Juris Doctorate from the School of Law at UCLA. I maintain a therapy practice in Santa Monica and coach internationally.

2. Can you explain the definition of codependency especially with regards to substance abuse and/or addiction?

My definition is someone who can’t function from their innate self, but instead organizes their thinking and behavior around another person(s), a process, or substance. So all addicts are codependents, but you can’t work on recovering from codependency until you’re abstinent from your primary addiction.

Not being able to function from your innate self-means that you can’t access your perceptions, feelings, and needs. Many codependents don’t know what they believe and are in denial of their feelings and needs. They don’t trust their perceptions and often don’t know what they want. Instead, they react to others and accommodate their needs, feelings, and values.

3. What are the symptoms of codependency?

There are several core symptoms that stem from the definition. Low self-esteem is pervasive and underneath is shame. This can be tricky because some people cover-up their shame by feeling superior.

They may think they have good self-esteem based on praise or success, but this is “other-esteem.” It’s not what you really think about yourself. Shame and low self-esteem lead to people pleasing, fear, anxiety, and guilt.

Control is very important to codependents because they react to others and are dependent upon them, so they have to control them. Other symptoms are dependency, denial, poor boundaries, non-assertive communication, and problems with intimacy.

4. Since many of my readers are parents, how can a parent of an addicted child determine the difference between being codependent and helping their child?

This is difficult for more than one reason. First, children are dependent upon parents to help and guide them. Second, it’s biologically, psychologically, and emotionally difficult to “detach” from your children. Instinctively you want to help them and naturally empathize with their suffering.

Detachment doesn’t mean you’re indifferent. It means that you’re supportive without being controlling and that you don’t “enable” Enabling is when you remove the natural consequences of their addiction. So covering up, giving money, doing their homework, or bailing them out might be examples.

The single most powerful incentive for an addict to pursue sobriety is suffering the negative consequences of their addiction.  Even so, not all people recover. Remember that addiction is very powerful and that there are genetic components. The most important thing for parents to remember is not to blame themselves. If you made mistakes in the past, you can act differently in the present.

Setting boundaries is important and shouldn’t be confused with controlling someone. It’s your bottom line and communicates what YOU will do if the addict does certain things, such as, “If you get a DUI, I will not pay for legal defense or bail you out.” Also, you might create consequences for a teenager’s bad behavior, for example, restricting driving privileges and social activities, etc.

Of course, the degree you’re able to do this varies based on your child’s age and how dependent he or she is upon you. If living with you, you have more options than if your child is living on the street or independently. It’s fruitless to try to control behavior outside your purview, but you can and should have rules and consequences for what happens in your home and about what you will or will not do.

Consequences shouldn’t be enforced in anger or with blame, which undermines their impact.

Giving support, listening understanding, nurturing, helping children problem-solve are all ways in which you can support them in healthy ways. When they’re making poor decisions, help them think through the consequences of the behavior without judging it. If you scold a child, you’re inviting rebellion.

If your child can rebel against you, then he or she doesn’t have to take responsibility. Another thing you can do is to enter into a contract about certain behavior (when your child is sober), but negotiate it at arms’ length. Don’t dictate terms.

Allow your child to come up with consequences if he or she breaches the agreement. Then you’ve both agreed in advance to consequences for bad behavior, and your child can’t blame you for the punishment. This encourages self-responsibility. Don’t forget that rewards are better ways to change behavior than punishment.

codependency

5. What suggestions do you have for parents struggling with their teen or young adult child so that they are not codependent?

The best way you can help your child is to overcome your codependency by attending Al-Anon or CoDA, learn all you can, and seek the help of a knowledgeable therapist.

I recommend my ebook, “How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits” to learn to communicate and set boundaries in healthy ways.

6. Why did you decide to write the book, Codependency for Dummies? 

I was approached by John Wiley Publishing as an expert in the field. For a number of years, I’ve wanted to reach more people. There’s a great need for good information about codependency and how to recover because so many people are hurting. So I started teaching, speaking, and supervising other therapists.

There are many books on the subject. Some are great reads but don’t tell you how to change, and in others, the concepts are difficult to understand. My book is very comprehensive and easy to understand, yet deep psychologically.

Perhaps my years as an attorney taught me how to analyze and write clearly and concisely. Additionally, the wonderful thing about the Dummies style is that it is very well organized and modular, so readers can skip around and immediately get answers and exercises to work on a particular aspect of codependency – for instance if you want to work on your self-esteem or boundary issues.

7. I notice you talk about dysfunctional boundaries in your book. Can you explain the difference between dysfunctional and healthy boundaries?

Boundaries affect every area of your life and interactions with others. Healthy emotional boundaries reflect a strong identity. You’re aware of your feelings, values, and needs, and honor them.

So you’d never allow someone to abuse or control you verbally or otherwise. You respect others’ boundaries and wouldn’t do that either. You don’t have strong reactions to other people, because you see yourself and them as separate and can allow them to disagree or have different feelings than you, without being defensive.

You’re also assertive without being bossy or blaming and take responsibility for yourself and your mistakes. You honor yourself and others. Blaming and controlling your children violates their boundaries and shows disrespect.

Because you know that you’re unique and separate from others, you’re able to get intimately close without losing yourself and are also capable of being happy on your own. You may still prefer to be in an intimate relationship but you’re not desperate for one because you’re whole.

Find out more about Darlene Lancer by visiting her website. You can also follow her on Facebook as Darlene Lancer and Codependency

What are your thoughts about codependency? Has it affected your life in any way? Let us know in comments.

If you liked this post, please share on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Thank you!

15 thoughts on “Breaking the Cycle of Codependency”

  1. Avatar

    What a great interview Cathy and Darlene. This is fascinating to me and I have a question about a friend who is gaining huge amounts of weight and quite honestly always has the biggest meal at the table. He is a recovering alcoholic and my question is, do people often change one addiction for another?

    I think his wife is genuinely concerned about his health and I wouldn’t say she’s an enabler, but what do I know, I don’t live with them. Your insights would be greatly appreciated.

    Love Elle
    xoxo

    1. Avatar

      Hi Elle,

      Changing addictions is common. Sometimes they can change from one negative addiction like drinking to another, like eating too much. They can also change to a positive addition, such as running, or yoga. Nothing in extremes is good for you, but something like running can give you the “runner’s high,” which many strive for.

  2. Avatar

    This is an insightful interview. I suffered from codependency for 40 years. Though I had help from therapists, it was only when I wrote my memoir that I took responsibility for my life. I was able to clearly see the patterns in all of my relationships. They were not healthy and in turn I learned that in order to attract healthier relationships. I had to love myself, treat myself with respect and really know who I was without compromising my values for anyone else. Thanks for bringing awareness to codependency.

    1. Avatar

      Hi Andrea,

      Welcome! Such a great lesson and that is wonderful that you wrote a memoir about your experience. Many young women, myself included had to learn that lesson the hard way. It is so important to love yourself before you try and connect with another person. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with us. I will definitely check out your book!

  3. Avatar

    Thank you Cathy and Darlene for this terrific interview. I especially liked the discussion on healthy and dysfunctional boundaries – that and control, which tended to be the result of living in fear. These were especially difficult for me to come to terms with but have made the world of difference in my own codependency recovery.

    1. Avatar

      Hi Lisa,

      I also had to hit some bumps in the road until I realized the importance of healthy boundaries. Letting go of control and coming to terms with your fear can be the shift that sets a person on the road to a healthier life. Thanks for stopping by!

    1. Avatar

      We do spend too much time blaming ourselves for things that are out of our control. Most parents do the best that they can, and feel guilty when their kids make poor choices. It is a challenge. Take care, Tess!

  4. Avatar

    I appreciate everyone’s feedback. Research has shown that when an addict switches addictions, it’s at the same level. For example, a progressed alcoholic might take up gambling as if he’d been doing so for years.

    Detachment and letting go of control are addressed in Chapter 9 of Codependency for Dummies. Readers can also get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go” on my website.

  5. Avatar

    I was a co-dependent back in my early 20’s. Took me therapy plus kicking my alcoholic, drug addict, abuser bf to the curb forever to “cure” myself. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there that could really use your book! Simply fabulous!

    1. Avatar

      Thanks Brenda for stopping by. I’m glad you were able to overcome your codependency. Darlene’s book will be a great help to many.

  6. Pingback: Treatment Talk – Treatment Talk Monthly Message - December 2012

  7. Pingback: Treatment Talk – 27 Reasons to Forgive | Treatment Talk

  8. Pingback: The Sheer Power in Admitting Powerlessness | Cathy Taughinbaugh | Treatment Talk

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Subscribe and get the Sunday Newsletter

FREE

Learn strategies and tools so you can help your child find recovery.

Support for Families Concerned About Drug Or Alcohol Use with Cathy Taughinbaugh
Scroll to Top
74 Shares
Share
Tweet
Pin