The recent passing of another famous actor is so sad. It reminds us once again that addiction is a deadly disease that can take a person in the prime of their life.
Philip Seymour Hoffman was known for his uncanny ability to morph like a chameleon into almost any role he took on, so much so that his incomparable prowess often overshadowed the movie he was starring in. ~ ABC News
An ability to morph into a chameleon is the gift that an actor needs to be brilliant in their various roles. Yet for some of our kids, this is the character quality that can suck them right into substance use.
I’ve heard a number of moms who have children with substance abuse issues say that their child was a chameleon. They “changed colors” when necessary in high school to fit in. They had the “Monkey See, Monkey Do” syndrome.
The Urban Dictionary defines a social chameleon as:
- Someone who changes the way they interact with people depending on who they’re with.
- A person that has the ability to be social with anyone and any setting and still fit in.
- One who has such wide interests can relate to anyone.
- Somebody who fibs to try and fit into whatever crowd they are in.
- A social behavior exhibited by those who were or are shy. This usually stems from a sheltered upbringing or inferiority complex.
- One who pretends to be your friend until the more popular people show up and then act differently.
Sometimes parents who are divorced have an issue with their children becoming “chameleon kids”. Their children change their clothing, interests, and even their personality to please whichever parent they happen to be with at the time.
These children act and dress one way at mom’s house. Then, the kids completely change many aspects of their life when they go over to dads’. They can even be loud and boisterous at one home and quiet at the other. They do this to fit in and make their parents happy.
I was a single mom at one point. We had joint custody of the children. My kids experienced the typical schedule of every other weekend and Wednesday night dinner. We then went to the schedule of spending two weeks with me and then two weeks with their dad. We both were as positive about the situation as possible.
I had no evidence that we had a chameleon effect with our family. Yet, we experienced problems later on. Clearly there was a need to fit in and be accepted. The ability to say no to substance use was not so present.
Looking back, it makes me wonder.
Did I raise a “chameleon kid”?
A child who has the “chameleon” tendencies, doesn’t necessarily have to come from a divorced family. They are more vulnerable to peer pressure because they are concerned about being abandoned or rejected by their parents as well as their peers.
Being over-adaptive to the wants of others, these kids can “change colors”, to cope with their living situation. This strategy can also be used to cope during their teen years.
These kids do not have a strong set of values. They have not developed a strong sense of self. One problem is that they do not necessarily discriminate when looking for friends who will accept them. They want to make others happy. They want to fit in.
Fitting in and finding out who you are, are the issues that our kids struggle with who have been railroaded by substance use. They often don’t know how to fit in. They don’t know who they are as a person. Drugs and alcohol seem to be the answer. It solves a problem and can numb their pain.
Here are three tips for parents to protect their children from becoming a chameleon and possibly going down the road to substance use.
Encourage Your Child’s Interests
As a parent, you are still the most important influence on your child. Learn about what their passion is and how you can support them. Participate and be your child’s cheerleader. Provide opportunities for your child to explore their interests. Even if their interest isn’t something you are passionate about, become interested in what your child loves. It will help them know their interests are important to you and that you are willing to adapt to them on occasion.
Love your Children First
If you are divorced, it is important for your child’s well being that you work to resolve your differences. You can agree to disagree. Even though you are no longer married, you can still send the message to your children that you are a united front when it comes to parenting.
Those three words, “I love you” can be a powerful message. It can give your child the needed reminder that they are important to you and worthy of your love.
Let Go of Your Expectations About the Future
Often a child’s personality and goals are very different from their parents. They have different interests in life. It can often be hard to find a connection and a way to communicate in a positive way. Your child’s dream may not fit your expectations. Yet this is the time to let them find out who they are and what they are good at. Keep an open mind. Support your child as they discover who they are meant to be.
There is an amazing Kickstarter project for younger children. “Am I a Chameleon?” is the first in a series of six picture books that have been created to encourage children to believe in themselves. The author is hoping her books will help children at that early impressionable age believe in themselves. I hope they do!
I may or may not have raised a “chameleon kid”, but either way, having a strong sense of self, helps to prevent substance use.
Do think your child has struggled with being a chameleon? What are your suggestions on how we can help our kids feels more self-assured? Let us know in the comments.
Get your Free Guide today.Is your child struggling with drugs or alcohol?
Great article Cathy, and I think you are on to something here. Unfortunately, divorce or not, our society also really rewards people who can fit into any situation and make it work. We tend to view it as an asset or a worthwhile skill or personality trait. And there is some merit in that idea, but it has it’s downside as you very well point out. I remember Libby Cataldi also talking about this in her book, Stay Close. Again this points out how fostering the strongest sense of self we can get for our kids can benefit them so greatly!
Hi Leslie,
I so agree. As you mentioned, we do have to know how to act and dress for different occasions, but it’s this over-adaptive tendency that some of these kids have that gets them into trouble. That strong value system is missing during those teen years and drives them to try anything to have friends and be part of the group. It is definitely something that needs to be instilled early on.
Thank you for the work that you do. You deliver a strong message about loving our kids for the prevention of substance abuse.
Possession of drugs is illegal in my country. We have less of an issue here. However, I believe that it is through observing the consequences of what taking drugs can entail that makes us determined never to allow them legally here.
Most kids will want their peers to accept them. It is through their own journey that they learn about discovering their place in the world. As parents, we can let them know that no matter what, we accept them with love. You have given some fabulous tips on how to do just that!
Hi Evelyn,
That is wonderful that they have less of an issue in your country. I wish that was the case in the US. Our kids do need to find their place and have a strong sense of self as they enter the teen years where the peer pressure is so strong. They do have to make mistakes to learn what will and will not work for them. Unfortunately some of our kids get sucked in and cross the line to addiction and lose the power to have a clear understanding of how their drug or alcohol use affects their lives. Love is the answer and lots of communication early on. Take care and thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Hi Cathy – great tips here to help parents realize what to look out for in their kids. Chameleon colors in nature are beautiful and animals can use to stay alive in the wild. The adapt to the nature to live! But kids, not so much. Looks like kids being chameleons is a warning sign to parents. Sounds like the solution to raising kids successfully is lots of love, instillation of self belief and positivity in their lives. Helping them have a strong self-identity sounds like the way to keep them from looking for trouble or drugs to express themselves.
Hi Vishnu,
I think those three solutions will work well for most kids. There are no guarantees of course, and sometimes, parents doing all the right things still find that their children still struggle. It can help to plan ahead and do what you can to support your child as they find their strengths and learn to feel good about themselves, so they are less tempted to get involved in substance abuse. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts! Take care.
I agree with Leslie – I definitely think you’re onto something, Cathy! And then we throw in the brain’s instinctual wiring tendencies that come with puberty (turning to peers, taking risks) – yikes! I really like your list of what parents can do – letting go of expectations for the future and fostering their own interests are huge and difficult to do in this day and age of pressures to have high school graduation resumes that are off the charts in order to get into a “good college” — beyond absurd. Thank you for reminding us of what is truly important.
Hi Lisa,
There is so much pressure from every direction for our kids, that substance abuse sometimes is just a way to escape the pressure. You have made some great points. Thanks so much for stopping by!
This is spot-on shtuff, Cathy (as usual). I’ve always had a heart for young chameleons. They so often seem to drift with the wind – trying-on numerous suits of clothing in an effort to catch-on with the social circumstance within which they find themselves. That’s one tough way to have to live – full of sure rejection. Even tougher is the ensuing personal sacrifice when s/he sticks with a group with less than honorable intentions. Sure, the substance abuse/addiction piece can come into play. I think my 22 y.o. son would readily admit he was an adolescent chameleon. I mean, I sure know he was. His mother and I divorced when he was five. In the midst of his “chameleonitis” I encouraged him to be himself, and that soon he would find a place where he would fit and feel comfortable. And, of course, I loved him unconditionally. It worked, and he’ll graduate with a degree in electrical engineering at the end of the year. Great piece, Cathy. And a dynamic about which all parents need to be aware. Thank You…
Bill
Hi Bill,
So many kids I feel fall into the “chameleonitis” syndrome. They want so desperately to belong and are willing to do anything to fit in. When we can provide good prevention strategies to middle and high school kids, we will see a difference in the substance abuse issue, I believe. Thank you for sharing your story. I too believe my daughter was a young chameleon, and she too has gone on to find herself and build a good life for herself. Congrats on your son’s accomplishments! That is great news and I’m sure you are very proud of him! Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts. Always appreciated!
Thank you so much for sharing Cathy – it’s the need for children to have a strong sense of self that motivated me to begin writing my books.
My own chameleon-like child and early adult-hood (where I did indeed turn to alcohol to ease the pain) began ironically once I started talking again, having been selective mute before this. People assumed I was improving because there were words where there had been none – but the words were not really mine, spoken only to meet expectations. It’s definitely not the route I’d recommend to a fulfilling life!! (although in a roundabout way I now see what a gift it is to be able to use my experience in a positive way to write my books!)
A quick update re. my Kickstarter project – which was funded last December. The first run of “Am I a Chameleon?” will be arriving this coming week!! I am so excited to see the books and begin sharing! Thank you so much for feeling they deserved a place in your wonderful article here!
Kat
Hi Kat,
Welcome and thank you for stopping by! Authors do write their best work, when they are writing from their own personal experience. That is wonderful that your books are arriving next week and will be out in the world! What a wonderful contribution that you are making and thank you again for sharing your image with us! All the best to you!
Cathy,
Your direct and truth telling post REALLY gets “under the hood” to help me with another very insightful way to think about my own arrested emotional intelligence as a kid and how my family perpetuated the chameleon phenomenon with all of its fallout. From Philip Seymour Hoffman to OMG, that hits home!
God it feels good to read YOUR clear understanding and explanations of what’s at the root cause of these otherwise baffling behaviors. Your blog is a multisensory, true compass for a healthier way of being, Cathy. Thanks again and again.
Hey Herby,
I’m sure I had my own arrested emotional development as well and know that I too wanted to follow the crowd when I was in high school. There are some that have that line that is drawn in the sand, whether it is because of genetics, environment, our value system or who know what, that says it is time to stop the drug or alcohol abuse, because I too was an experimenter. I know for many that line isn’t there and there is no little voice giving them clues that their substance use isn’t healthy. It is sad to watch and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death has touched many hearts and brought home once again that this is a life threatening disease that does not discriminate. Prevention seems to me to be the best answer and I hope we can do better in the future to protect our kids and help them make healthy choices. Thanks for stopping by!
Phillip Seymour’s passing was so sad. He was such a talented actor and I loved many of his movies.
I have never heard of this social chameleon thing before. I can definitely see how it can lead to problems with a kid. I use to be one. I hit the definition to a tee. I could fit into any crowd when I was younger. I just wanted to fill the unfillable hole that wasn’t filled by my parents, I wanted to be loved. Instead it just lead to a lot of problems until I was able to love myself.
I think it is so important to the do the three things you suggest especially letting go of expectations for the future. My parents use to hold them for me and I hated them for it and then I disliked myself for feeling like a failure. It is a contradiction and it is better to not have them and encourage your kids in the path they want to go.
Hi Cathy,
Great informative tips for parents to protect kids from chameleon effect. Most of the parents impose their ideas and dreams on their children. Parents must watch their child for any unwanted change in their character.
Childs mental health is crucial to their life success. As a parent, We first know about our child’s interest and then encourage them to do interested things will help them to out of Chameleon effect.