Beautiful Boy, written by David Sheff, touches the hearts of many parents who have children struggling with substance use.
It was one of the first books to share the devastating parental experience of having a child dependent on drugs. Today, author David discusses his new book, Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America’s Greatest Tragedy.
I’m honored to share my interview with David where he discusses the addiction of his son, the stigma of addiction and hope for the future.
How has the notoriety affected you and Nic since you’ve written Beautiful Boy?
When the book came out, we didn’t have any sense that it would connect with so many people in recovery, people who want to be in recovery or people who are connected to addiction, such as moms, dads, brothers, and sisters. So with it, that brought this intensity of connection with people. It has felt like a privilege. I’ve gotten to know so many people who are suffering from addiction.
We all get it, anyone who has been through it. We understand and people who haven’t been through it, can’t understand it. It’s the community of people who can share our stories and support one another.
The hardest part is that so many people that I hear from and see are people who weren’t as lucky as I was. Nic is fine now and has been sober five years, but people have lost their children, husbands, wives, parents or loved ones.
I hear a lot from teenagers who read Nic’s book and write to me because they can’t find him. He is not online, or at least wasn’t online for a long time. They tell me they read Nic’s book and it saved their lives. They went into recovery the second they finished the book. (Nice is the author of Tweak and We All Fall Down: Living with Addiction.)
The idea that you can go through something that can destroy you or does destroy you, and have some meaningful impact is wonderful.
Why were you inspired to write Clean?
What I realized when Nic first became addicted, is that I didn’t tell anybody. I kept it a secret, because around this disease, unlike any other disease, is the shame, blame, and guilt. We keep it hidden. The result of that is that we end up suffering in silence.
When Beautiful Boy came out, I heard from so many people such as neighbors, friends or my colleagues at work. They said that people don’t know that I’m an addict or that I’ve been trying to save my son or daughter’s life for the last ten years because we don’t talk about it.
The more I heard from these people, the more I realized that people are so isolated, and yet this problem is so pervasive. So few people are helped who need treatment.
I had to figure out why and continued to research the field. I went to rehabs, talked to counselors, schools, prisons, addicts, their families, AA and other 12 step meetings, and just talked to as many people as I could.
The whole point was to try and figure out what we know about addiction and what we don’t know, why the treatment system failed so many people and ultimately how we can make it better.
What are the three things you want readers to take away from your book?
- Addiction is not about will power. It is not about choice. It’s not about morals. It’s a very serious illness.
- This is an illness that is treatable. In the past, we’ve written off people that have become addicted. It doesn’t have to be. There is a whole range of treatments that work. People can go into recovery and they do every day of their lives. They can transform and live full healthy lives.
- The National Perspective: Part of the reason that we are in this mess is that treatment is so ineffective and our inability to prevent kids and others from using. In the past 40 years in America we spent over a trillion dollars fighting, and yet they are 20 million people who are addicted and 100 million family members who are suffering because of their loved ones’ addiction.
We’re losing hundreds of millions of dollars literally by filling up our prisons, health care costs and loss of activity. About 400 million is the calculation.
I want people to understand that what we’re doing isn’t working and we have to change the model. The model is going from a model that treats this as a criminal problem and a problem that we judge, to treating it as a health problem that we see with compassion.
How were you affected by the stigma of addiction and the idea that good people don’t do drugs? What can parents do to overcome the stigma?
Parents need to be educated themselves. We have this idea that we want our kids to be good kids and God forbid if they try drugs, then they’ve crossed over, but we have to also understand their perspective. Children are growing up in an environment where there is stress all around them. There’s bullying, insecurity, and they are trying to connect with other people. There is peer pressure and the pressure of academics.
It’s not about being good or bad. It’s a pretty normal thing for kids to be curious and to be influenced. Trying drugs may be a relief for some of the stress they feel, or it may help them connect with their peers.
These aren’t bad kids, these are our kids.
It’s our job to take away the stigma that is around this so that we can help them grow up healthy. We can have conversations with them and acknowledge the fact that it’s seductive. What are the stresses that they are going through? Stress is completely tied to drug use. When we can do away with the stigma, we can deal with this problem effectively, instead of this moral view that you are bad if you use drugs. Of course, that applies to those struggling with addiction as well.
When people are addicted, they don’t feel great about anything they are doing. Nobody chooses to be addicted. Nobody chooses to do the horrible things that addicts do. They are ill and feel terrible. The culture that blames them and stigmatizes them just makes them feel worse.
What’s the solution? Some people would say it is to stop using drugs. Well, you can’t wish away cancer, and you can’t wish away addiction.
The stigma is one of the most dangerous forces around this disease.
What are the three changes you would like to see in the addiction treatment system?
- Treatment no longer relies on pseudoscience, tradition, and best guesses, but instead uses evidence-based treatment, which means that treatments that have been proven to work not just stuff that we hope works.
- To create a system of compassion and not judgment. Right now in so many treatment programs, patients are yelled at, they are kicked out, they are punished if they don’t behave. It’s like they are little children. That doesn’t help somebody that is sick. Create a system that acknowledges that these people are ill and they should be treated just as if they had any other disease. You would never yell at somebody because they have cancer. If you are in the hospital, you would do everything possible to treat them and that is what needs to happen in these programs.
- The third thing is the recognition that everybody is different. One size does not fit all and so people need to be treated with whatever works for them. That can include anything from the 12 steps to behavioral treatments to medication. It has to be done by someone who knows what they are doing, by a qualified person, but somebody who is actually a doctor, who is trained in addiction medication, in addiction science. This doesn’t happen in many treatment programs. People have not had the training and supposedly they are qualified to help people get well.
As a parent, what kept you going during your darkest hour? Did you ever feel tempted to give up on Nic?
Every parent that goes through this, especially when it gets as severe as my son, we are tempted to give up. We suffer so much. We don’t eat or sleep. It was so hard for me to function and take care of my younger children and work.
It was so frustrating because everything I was trying to do to help Nic wasn’t working. I wanted to give up all the time. But I could never give up on my son, and I think most parents can’t.
We have to navigate this thing that takes over our lives. We become addicted to addiction. I became addicted to Nic’s addiction, as I became obsessive. It preoccupied me, because my son was dying. I think it would anybody who is going through this.
Although, I wanted to give up and I never did. Some people struggle with this idea of how do you create an environment in which you are not enabling an addict. That doesn’t mean you are giving up on somebody. Figure out the lines that you have to draw that will help your loved one ultimately choose to get help.
People are really confused about this and I think this is really important.
When you asked me about the three things, I would add a fourth one and it applies here. We need help. We are human beings and we’re parents. We’re expected to be thrown into this crisis and figure out what to do to make decisions about how to get someone into treatment, how to take care of ourselves, how much separation to have and about what kind of treatment to use.
We’re not qualified to do that, so I really encourage people who are facing this at any stage, to not try and figure it out themselves, but to go and talk to people who are professionals who can help them.
What words of hope do you have for parents who are struggling with their child’s addiction?
Research says that most likely your child is going to be okay. In the middle of it, you don’t believe it, but it’s true. Of course, there are no guarantees, so we have to take this seriously for what it is, which is life-threatening. Most young people who become addicted are okay. That is the first thing to know.
The second thing to know is that it is so stressful and you can crumble around this. Parents get divorced, families explode, so we need to get help by going to therapy or going to Al-Anon meetings or whatever it is. The hopeful part about that is when you do have that help, you will feel better. It still doesn’t make this easy. Nothing makes this easy, but you can make better decisions. You can suffer a lot less.
There is also hope that as this field progresses, we are going to be able to learn about why people use and how to stop them from using in the first place, why drug use escalates and how we can stop it before it gets to be a serious addiction. When it does escalate, what addiction is and how we can better treat it.
There is really a reason to be hopeful for the future. Things are going to get better.
Click here to get your copy of the book, Clean.
What do you think about the state of the treatment industry? Do you have a child struggling with drugs? What can we do about the stigma and lack of treatment for those in need? Let us know in the comments.
If you liked this interview, please share on social media. Thank you!
What a wonderful interview Cathy and David! It seems like we do keep addiction a secret because we’re embarrassed. But it’s good to know we’re not alone. That seems to the case with most bad things we go through.
I really enjoyed reading and am looking forward to reading the book!
Hi Betsy,
One of the biggest issues with substance abuse and addiction is the stigma. It holds people back from getting the help they need for themselves or for their loved one. This book will help to improve the treatment system and spread more awareness about addiction and recovery. Always so needed. Thanks for stopping by.
Important message! Thank you for sharing, I know a lot of people will benefit from your message.
I feel that this is an important message not only for those involved in addiction and recovery, but for all of us. Take care.
This is purely awesome!
Thank you Sharon!
Cathy and David- A meaningful and rich Q and A. David – like Cathy- your willingness to share your personal journey about your son’s addiction in an authentic, ‘real’ voice is inspiring and will give permission to others that they don’t need to live in isolation but should get help.
I know as a parent how easy it is to bury yourself in a fearful and angry hole ~ blaming yourself and your child ~ scared about what can happen ~ and not having a clue about what to do. David, your words and actions are and will continue to make a huge difference in thousands of lives ~ Fran
Hi Fran,
Your words are so true – “David, your words and actions are and will continue to make a huge difference in thousands of lives.” Many who are suffering from addiction with their children have read Beautiful Boy, and the book touched their hearts. Clean is so needed and will be an essential addition to addiction and recovery information.
What a fascinating interview Cathy and David. I’m sure these healing words will help many find their way through the incredible struggle faced by addicts and their families.
Love Elle
xoxo
Hi Elle,
My hope is that those who are suffering with children who are in the midst of their addiction can know that they are not alone. By reading David’s books regarding his personal experiences as well as the facts about the science of addiction and the treatment system, we can help our children or other family members reach long term recovery.
Like the fact that he admits it takes over your lives. It does. So many parents suffering and too few places they can turn.
Addiction does rob a person of the life they would have had. It sends them on a detour giving up their hopes and dreams for the future. Parents suffer right along with their children as they watch them self destruct. The more we can share the latest addiction science and proven treatment methods, the better for all involved. Thanks for stopping by Martha.
What an excellent interview – it’s so very important to have these conversations so that addictions and healing can happen from compassion rather than any sense of failure or blame.
Hi Moria,
Compassion is the key. We need to fully understand the disease and provide the tools so that people can get the help that they need. We all benefit from prevention and from helping those that are addicted reach long term recovery.
There is so much truth and wisdom in this interview. Thanks for sharing your journey David. What a wonderful mission you have in life!
Hey Tess,
It is wonderful, isn’t it. David has made an amazing contribution for families who are struggling with addiction. Knowing that you are not alone and having the latest information can make all the difference.
What a wonderful interview! Lawrence O’Donnell interviewed David Sheff as well, the viewer comments were extremely angry, offensive and uneducated. Seeing the comments here makes me feel at home as a parent navigating the world of her child’s recovery. Thank you all for being the wise and compassionate counterbalance. I am just proud to be a member of your tribe!!!!!
Hi Stephanie,
I’m proud to have you here! Thank you for being part of my “tribe.” As parents I can so relate to both of David’s books. The more we share knowledge the better for families that are struggling with the substance abuse or addiction of their children.
I agree that stigma is terrible and only serves to cause hurt. Thanks for sharing!!!
Hi Liz,
Stigma makes a bad problem that much worse. We need to bring this disease out from the shadows. We will benefit, whether we dave been personally affected or not.
When will we let go of the stigma and realize the hurt it is causing! Thanks goodness for people like you and David…people who are shedding light on shadows, and bringing healing with it.
Thanks for your kind words. David’s book will go a long way to spreading awareness with the latest information about addiction and recovery. A must read for all of us.
Thank you for sharing such wisdom. I know this article will help many. Stigma is a terrible thing and will only cause a lot of hurt. Bless you.
Stigma is a huge problem with addiction and recovery. Not only is there stigma for the addicted person, but many feel that they cannot talk about their past after they have recovered. We need to shed light on this disease and bring it to the forefront.
I bought the Kindle version of ‘Clean’ a few days ago. I’ll need to set aside some time to read this when I can let my emotions down. It’s painful to read but such an important book for parents. I’ve learned so much from reading your information along with Lisa Frederiksen. Bless you both.
Thanks so much for this interview Kathy, great job!
You will enjoy the book and it is an important one for all of us, particularly parents that have been affected by addiction and recovery to read. All the best to you and your family!
What a Fantastic interview! I so understand what David said about One Size does not FIT ALL– and the Same Treatment does not always work for everyone. Being in Recovery for 6yrs, their was Free Treatment for me in my State, but, it didn’t work for me. What really worked besides attending Gamblers Anonymous was a year of one on one Therapy with an Addictions Specialist. Gambling addiction is even harder for people to understand that it is a Disease, and a illness and needs to be treated as such. Thanks Again! Catherine Lyon
Hi Catherine,
I’m so glad that you found one on one Therapy. That type of help can work for so many people. My best to you and congratulations on your 6 years of recovery.
Inspiring story and a thoughtful interview. Thanks for sharing.
You are welcome Meryl. Thanks for stopping by.
Thank you Cathy and David for this terrific insightful message! My 20 yr old son has battled this disease of addiction since he was 16yrs had a 3 yr period of sobriety and then relapsed on opiates this time. I appreciate Davids insight and passion for changing the stigma that surrounds addiction; as I feel this same passion and call to help educate and advocate for prevention and recovery of young people, parents, and legislators. I am finding it difficult to find the path to help in this fight. Please feel free to contact me, anyone if you have any insights, ideas or ways for me to help in this battle. I am a warrior Mom. I am grateful for these message of hope, healing and insight that you offer Cathy. Thank you!
Hi Marie,
My heart goes out to you. I know it is a challenge being the mom of an addicted child. There are so many ways to help spread the word about addiction. Through service, writing or working with other parents or people in recovery. There are many opportunities out there. I know you will find one that resonates for you. My hope is that your son finds long term recovery. All the best to you.
I shared this yesterday when I saw your post on Facebook, Cathy. It’s a wonderfully human reflection of what people deal with every day.
thanks!
Hi Michael,
Thank you for sharing! Appreciate your insight!
Great for him for sharing and connecting with so many people. Often what might seem like our greatest “failure” or “embarrassment” is what allows us to help others.
Hi Aimee,
It is interesting how things work out. Sometimes our challenges become our biggest strengths. Take care.
It’s good to see a refreshing perspective of treatment including compassion and tailored modalities for our children.
Hi Barbara,
Welcome to Treatment Talk. I agree with you wholeheartedly. We do need reform in the treatment industry, so that we can best meet the needs of those that need the help.
What an incredibly touching interview and article, I know that by sharing this, you will be reaching those who are hurting and need help. Thank you for sharing this!
Hi Robin,
Welcome! Thank you for your kind words. The more we spread awareness about addiction, the better it is for everyone.
Great interview, Cathy! I know a lot of people who suffer from addiction and these words can benefit them.
Hi Tom,
Welcome to Treatment Talk! Glad you enjoyed the interview and hope that the article will be beneficial to those that suffer from addiction and well as family members.
So many great parts to this.
I love the concept that perhaps this book can help convey – that addiction should not be treated as a criminal offense to be judged, but as a serious illness that should be treated with the science and compassion that we would use to treat any other illness. We have so far to go on that front!
Thanks Cathy.
Hi Leslie,
I so agree that treatment, compassion and empathy are so needed when it comes to addiction. There is proven science that can help with the recovery process. We all need to understand the disease, the science behind it and provide treatment that will make a difference. This should be treated like any other disease and hopefully we will make progress in that direction. Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
That is so fabulous that you had the opportunity to interview David Sheff! I read his son, Nic’s book which is a very popular one at our alternative high school. I currently have a copy of Beautiful Boy at home and look forward to reading that! Very fascinating interview..Thank you for sharing:)
Hi Daniele,
Welcome! Both of the books have made a positive impact on recovery for many people. Parents could relate to Beautiful Boy and people who have suffered from addiction could relate to both of Nic Sheff’s books. They have all made a big impact on the treatment and recovery community. This new book will help set the trends for the future. I feel a change in the wind and that Clean is on the forefront of what is to come. Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for sharing this. I think the shame stops many people from getting the help they need with so many problems! It is hard to tell people about some problems. Lovely article Cathy! Thank you!
Hi Elizabeth,
The shame does stop many. It is so important to reach out for help. There is help available and people can get better. Thanks for stopping by.
Fantastic interview Cathy. Truly inspirational.
This sentence really stood out for me ‘These aren’t bad kids, these are our kids.’ Even if they aren’t our own flesh and blood these young people are our future.
Thank you for everything you do to help intervene in the addiction culture that impacts on everyone.
Hi Carolyn,
I liked that one as well. So many used to feel that the bad kids drank or did drugs, but it has affected so many these days. I feel that now so many realize that there is a genetic legacy, so kids get sucked in before they know how to get themselves out. It can affect anyone.
This is a wonderful, powerful interview Cathy and David – everything about it! I very much agree with David about the three changes necessary for addiction treatment and his words of hope for parents – which, of course, apply to spouses, children and siblings, as well. Thank you both, and I look forward to reading David’s new book.
Hi Lisa,
Glad you liked it and David’s message does apply to all family members who are struggling with the addiction of a loved one. I think you will like the book and find it very informative. There seems to be a new message of reform regarding the treatment industry and he is definitely one of the leaders with this cause. Take care.
Indeed “one size fits all” is a frightening norm for 12 Step Groups. Minnesota Method of 21 Days is gradually being phased out to DSM assessments.
Welcome! We know that different approaches work for different people, so all should be readily available. Thanks for sharing your information. Take care.
Wonderful, Cathy. Your interview with David Sheff couldn’t be more timely in honor of National Recovery Month! As an advocate for speaking to recovery, I appreciate that both David and Nick Sheff’s voices will beat down the dangerous force of stigma that surrounds this disease. My hope is that stigma won’t “always” be that dangerous force that surrounds the disease. That it will one day disappear as stigma has mostly disappeared around the diseases of cancer, diabetes, hyper tension and asthma, and is making it’s way to be less powerful with mental health issues.
You and Sheff hit upon so many great points. Another, stand out for me, is that addiction is not about willpower. When I first struggled to get sober, my husband and kids said to me, “Mom, you’re smarter than this. You’re stronger than this.” I’m still not sure, after 9 years of recovery, if my family understands that there is “no choice” for me. It is absolutely crucial to educate the whole family yet again, in my personal case, my family was reluctant. I’d like to understand the fear that’s around getting guidance and counseling, but again, my hunch is stigma. If only families could see that everyone is connected in this. The best I, or anyone can do is lead by example until friends and family members can read books like Beautiful Boy and Clean and get in touch with resources like your Treatment Talk.
Hi Shelley,
You make some great points here. Thank you so much for sharing your life experiences. People who become addicted to drugs or alcohol lose their power to decide, their power to make a choice whether they chose to use or not. So many who have not experienced addiction just do not understand what the disease is all about and how it affects the brain.
So much more education is needed on all fronts and I appreciate all the work that you are doing to reach out and help other people! Thanks for stopping by, my friend and I hope to see you soon!!
Beautiful Boy still remains one of my favorite books — I recommend it almost on a weekly basis to parents I work with. I recently read Clean and was equally as impressed.
I always go back to Beautiful Boy since it is so common to hear parents saying “not my child” or “it is only pot” or “it is their friends, not my child”. Sigh….
Both books are must reads for any parent struggling with a teen at-risk. I can’t say enough about these books and kudos to Cathy for a great interview.
Hi Sue,
Welcome! I loved both his David’s books as well. I agree that parents often just don’t want to deal with the drug use, go into denial and hope that it is just a teen right of passage. Both books are excellent. Beautiful Boy was one of the first books I read when I realized the substance abuse going on with two of my children. Thanks for stopping by and leaving your insightful comment!
I have an 18 year old son addicted to opiates and cocaine, iv for both. This is the most horrific thing we have ever gone through. I get a little prickly about comparing our drug addicts with people who have cancer. My issue is that we are asked to treat our addicts with compassion and love, yet everything I read suggests the only thing that may help my son is putting him out on the street. No person would advise me to do that if my child had cancer. It is so incredibly sad.
Hi Kathy,
Welcome! It is sad. My heart goes out to you. There are many options besides putting your son out on the street, especially when you son is so young. I would suggest you read Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, By Robert J Meyers Ph.D.. You could call The Partnership Helpline 1-855-DRUGFREE, (1-855-378-4373) to talk to an addiction counselor. There is also a parent’s guide at http://www.motivationandchange.com/20-min-guide/introduction which might be helpful. Finally, I also offer a free 30 minute consultation. If you would be interested in that, just send me an email at cathy@cathytaughinbaugh.com. Hang in there. It can get better and know that you are not alone!
Though not in the ‘hard-drug addict’ category, I have suffered enough unrelenting ACE-related hyper-anxiety to have known, enjoyed and appreciated the great release upon consuming alcohol and/or THC. Yet, I once was one of those who, while sympathetic, would look down on those who’d ‘allowed’ themselves to become addicted to alcohol and/or illicit ‘hard’ drugs.
Fortunately, the preconceived erroneous notion that drug addicts are simply weak-willed and/or have committed a moral crime is gradually diminishing.
We now know that Western pharmaceutical corporations intentionally pushed their very addictive and profitable opiates — I call it by far the real moral crime — for which they got off relatively lightly, considering the resulting immense suffering and overdose death numbers.
Still, typically societally overlooked is that intense addiction usually doesn’t originate from a bout of boredom, where a person repeatedly consumed recreationally but became heavily hooked — and homeless, soon after — on an unregulated often-deadly chemical that eventually destroyed their life and even those of loved-ones.
Regardless, neglecting people dealing with debilitating drug addiction should never have been an acceptable or preferable political option. But the more callous politics that are typically involved with lacking addiction funding/services tend to reflect conservative electorate opposition, however irrational, against making proper treatment available to low- and no-income addicts. It’s like some people are actually considered disposable.
Even to an otherwise relatively civilized nation, their worth is measured basically by their sober ‘productivity’ or lack thereof. Those people may then begin perceiving themselves as worthless and accordingly live their daily lives and consume their substances more haphazardly.
And, quite tragically, many chronically addicted people won’t miss this world if they never wake up. It’s not that they necessarily want to die; it’s that they want their pointless corporeal hell to cease and desist.
I live with adverse-childhood-experience-related chronic anxiety and clinical depression that are only partly treatable via medication. Thus I endure an emotionally tumultuous daily existence. It’s a continuous, discomforting anticipation of ‘the other shoe dropping’ and simultaneously being scared of how badly I will deal with the upsetting event, which usually never transpires.
The lasting emotional/psychological pain from such trauma is very formidable yet invisibly confined to inside the head. It is solitarily suffered, unlike an openly visible physical disability or condition, which tends to elicit sympathy/empathy from others. It can make every day a mental ordeal, unless the turmoil is treated with some form of medicating, either prescribed or illicit.
My experience has revealed [at least to me] that high-scoring-ACE trauma that essentially results from a highly sensitive introverted existence notably exacerbated by an accompanying autism spectrum disorder, can readily lead an adolescent to a substance-abuse/self-medicating disorder, including through eating.
Though I have not been personally affected by any addiction/overdose crisis, I have suffered enough unrelenting ACE-related hyper-anxiety to have known and enjoyed the euphoric release upon consuming alcohol and/or THC. However, the self-medicating method I utilized during most of my pre-teen years was eating, usually junk food. …
A physically and mentally sound future should be every child’s fundamental right — along with air, water, food and shelter — especially considering the very troubled world into which they never asked to enter. But, sadly and unjustly, no such right exists. … Mindlessly minding our own business on such matters has too often proven humanly devastating.