It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable with your child’s newfound sobriety?
It can feel like parents and other family members are walking on eggshells.
After dealing with their child’s substance abuse, parents feel relief when their child has chosen sobriety, although it can make family members, including parents, uncomfortable.
We want to get back into our comfort zone as quickly as possible. We want our children to fit in with their peers and for things that can get back to normal.
I can relate to those feelings. It was awkward for me, especially that first year when my daughter came home for the holidays. Do we serve wine at dinner? Do we not? What is the best way to proceed in this unknown territory?
I remember even stumbling over my words, asking my daughter what she would like to drink. We had loaded up on sparkling cider and various other soft drinks, so there was plenty to choose from, but I was uncomfortable. We all were.
It is tempting to want your child to be able to drink socially.
Occasionally, a parent may be so uncomfortable with their child’s sobriety that they offer their child a drink to get things back to normal. This kind of encouragement by a parent is a mixed message for a young person and could quickly drive them back into substance abuse.
Sometimes parents want their children to:
- Fit in and be able to drink normally
- Be able to be one of the guys and occasionally have a beer.
- Be able to drink responsibly
- Celebrate their child’s 21st birthday with that one alcoholic drink
- Be able to drink socially with the family
Understanding the addiction disease and how it affects your child’s brain is essential.
Sometimes it takes a while to understand the limits of addiction completely. No one wants to watch a young adult be burdened with not being able to take one drink for the rest of their lives. It is understandable why parents may not be clear on how to support their child’s early sobriety.
The dream is that we can send our kids off to treatment, and after 30 to 90 days, they will be fixed, and life can get back to normal. But unfortunately, that is only a dream.
Recovery needs tending to like any other chronic disease.
Watching how people genuinely thrive when they cross that line into recovery is impressive. So many go on to live incredible lives.
When people are in the early stages of recovery, they are tentative and anxious and are still working through what led them to substance abuse in the first place. What is helpful is to have solid support from family and friends.
One way to provide support is with Soberlink’s alcohol monitoring system. The system allows your child to take a breathalyzer test and sends real-time results to you, the parent, and other friends and family who are a part of their support circle. This is great for fostering accountability and rebuilding trust.”
Supporting your child’s recovery in every way makes the most sense. Our children will hopefully find their own healthy long-term recovery path that works for them. In the meantime, they need our support as they struggle to get on solid footing.
Early recovery can often get worse before things get better. Fragile confidence may quickly turn into confusion. A strong, loving parent who encourages their child to continue on their healthy path can make a big difference.
Indeed, we are part of the picture, but our child’s recovery, in the long run, is not about us. Our children need to find their way to a better life.
That is why taking care of yourself and helping yourself during this stressful time is so important.
Our work as parents is to learn how to get comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
It is to learn how to break through, from walking on eggshells to feeling relaxed and finding inner peace.
Supporting your child’s sobriety
Here are some tips on how to be supportive of your child’s sobriety:
- Awareness and understanding are the first steps to change. Get the facts about addiction. Learn all you can about the disease of addiction and how it affects the brain, your child’s life, family members, and friends. The more you know, the more empowered and confident you will be.
- Take the time to choose a treatment program that best fits your child’s needs. Research treatment centers by asking friends or family who may have attended a treatment program to seek the advice of an addictions counselor or educational consultant. Do your homework before sending your child to a program. Make sure it is the right fit for their situation.
- Support the program and follow the advice of the counselors. Once you have committed to a program, let the counselors do the work. That is what you are paying them for. They have experienced substance abuse with many other clients and have the ability to guide their children to make better decisions and healthier choices. We let the counselors take the lead, which seemed to work well for our family.
- Reach out and get support for yourself through support groups, therapy, coaching, or the treatment center’s parent program. It cannot be restated enough about the importance of taking care of yourself during this anxious time. When you look for joy each day, take care of your health, exercise, and practice mindfulness, you will be a more effective support for your child. As they say in the airlines, “Put your oxygen mask on first.”
- Model self-care and make healthy choices. When your child is in treatment, whether outpatient, inpatient, or attending AA meetings or other support groups, this is a great time to reevaluate your personal habits. No matter how old, our kids learn not as much from what we say as we do. Because addiction is a family disease, this is the perfect time to reevaluate, regroup, and look at what is truly happening within the family.
- Communicate positively with your child. Positive communication is one of the keys to your child seeking help, entering treatment, and staying in long-term recovery. When you can keep that close, personal bond with your child, you will have a greater chance of keeping everyone moving forward positively. Things like bringing up the past, intense emotions, or being negative, don’t help. Being calm, loving, and acknowledging your child’s efforts will give them a better chance of continuing their sobriety and remaining in long-term recovery.
Know that this is new territory, and you will be uncomfortable. – with time, it will all get easier. Life will be different from here on out. Yet it can often be better.
Support your child’s newfound sobriety. There will be challenges, but you can move forward and embrace a new life together.
How have you supported your child’s sobriety? Please let us know in the comments.
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