Have you thought of how allowing for naturally occurring consequences can help your child change?
I’ve been learning tools and strategies to help parents cope with their child’s substance use issues. These strategies and tools can help any family.
Many think of naturally occurring consequences as tough love. But there is a difference.
Tough love can be cold, insensitive, and not in your child’s best interest. It is emotionally charged and typically stems from anger. You may be turning your back on your child with the idea that you can turn your back on their problems as well.
I’ve had two instances in my life where I thought tough love was the answer. They were extreme situations. Because of their decisions at different times in their lives, two of my children were both on the verge of being homeless.
Because I was so frustrated, I thought that turning my back and letting go of my concern was the answer. I knew in my heart, however, that I could never let go of my children.
Not only could I not let go, but my stress level skyrocketed during both instances, and I wrestled with not being able to sleep and being obsessed with worry. Tough love didn’t work very well for me.
Naturally occurring consequences
Another choice is to allow for naturally occurring consequences. I know this sounds very similar, but it is different. And here’s why.
Allowing for naturally occurring consequences stems from compassion and love. It is planned in advance and not emotionally driven or confrontational. It is not a punishment.
Calmly step back and let the world teach your child. Those teaching moments can increase their motivation to act and reduce undesirable behavior.
The lesson is: actions have consequences. When you allow your child to experience those consequences, they learn a powerful lesson about life.
Their life experience is something that they will remember much more deeply and profoundly. A few life lessons where the negative outweighs the positive could be the beginning of change.
You can learn more about natural consequences by watching my video here:
Life lessons
Some examples of life lessons could be:
- Your child misses school because they’ve failed to get up in the morning on time.
- Your child will need to address their legal issues because their parents will not be able to bail them out again.
- Dinner is not waiting for your child if they fail to arrive on time.
- Your child misses days of work because of their substance abuse. No one covers for them, and they could face the consequences.
- Your child is not using the car for a while because they are not responsible.
There are two essential critical ingredients to naturally occurring consequences.
One is to let your emotions be on the back burner and stay calm. Plan and think through your decisions rationally. Let your child accept responsibility for their actions.
The second is to be fair to your child and let them know ahead of time that you will be allowing natural consequences to occur with some of their negative behavior. You might even write it down in a contract that you all sign, so everyone is clear.
Allowing natural consequences can be difficult for some parents. You may feel scared about the future. You may still be hung up on covering for your child because you don’t want others to know what is happening. Start small with what you are comfortable with, and go from there.
It is hard to see our children suffer, yet when you continue to protect your child from their actions, they learn that there is no downside to their behavior. There is no reason for them to stop their harmful actions.
Enabling behaviors
Enabling may come into play here. When we enable, we are doing things for our child that allow the negative behavior to continue.
As I mentioned in my post on Positive Reinforcement, you can be supportive and kind to your child and encourage healthy behavior, but you do not need to support or excuse their poor choices. Naturally occurring consequences go hand in hand with positive reinforcement.
Here are three questions based on The 20 Minute Guide that you can ask yourself when considering natural consequences.
- What are the consequences of my child’s substance use?
- What am I doing, subconsciously or consciously, to cushion my child from experiencing these consequences?
- What can I do to allow my child to feel the consequences of their behavior while being aware and protective of any life-threatening situations?
The close calls with my kids ended on a positive note. Lives changed, and two people made better choices when they recognized what they faced. When I look back, I was probably allowing for naturally occurring consequences, although I wasn’t aware of the term at the time.
I worked through my frustration and turned toward my kids rather than away from them in both instances. They both found a solution that worked for them.
I’m better suited for the strategy of allowing naturally occurring consequences because it feels peaceful to me. It comes from a place of love.
Remember, when you protect your child from themselves, they don’t have any reason to change.
Let the world provide teaching moments that can make a difference.
Did you like this article? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. Also, if you need to contact me, please feel free to use the contact form or e-mail me directly at (cathy@cathytaughinbaugh.com). I always love hearing from you.
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