This is a guest post from Kelly Salasin who writes an amazing blog, The Empty(ing) Nest Diary.
Though I’ve pestered friends and stormed the internet and rifled through leaflets outside the guidance office, I can’t find anything worthy of my son’s honesty.
We’ve already been clear–no sex, no drugs, no alcohol. Nothing new there. We’ve been talking about it for years.
What’s new is him. He’s changed. He turned the corner on his sophomore year and sprinted into junior, and he knew. He wants to join in. He wants to drink too. He wants to get high. Not everyone is, but his friends are, and he’s missing the fun.
“Do you want me to hide it?” he asks. “Or do you want me to tell you?”
“I want you to wait,” I say, and he does. Until he doesn’t want to anymore.
“I need some time to figure this out,” I say. “How much time do I have?”
He estimates about 7 or 8 months, but then three months short of this time he presses me.
“What are we going to do?” he says. “This is stressing me out. Nothing is changing. You just keep saying wait, and I know I’m not going to.”
I try threats–Military school. Creative ones–Moving abroad. Diversions–Let’s go to the mall. I wish we could just fast forward to 18 when these decisions are his, as these should be.
“I don’t want to lie to you,” he says. “What am I supposed to do?”
Other parents are of two minds–just say no (and expect it’s not happening) or just say nothing (and pretend it’s not happening.) I know this implies that most high schoolers are participating illegally, and of course, that’s not true.
“Why can’t you be part of the two-thirds who aren’t using?” I ask.
“There’s no way that’s true,” he smirks.
“Well then, be a part of the 1/3 or even the 10% or even the only one. Be different.”
“I don’t want to be.”
He wants to try it on. His father and I partied long before we were of age. 300 bars in 1 mile at the Jersey shore kind of lends itself that way. If there were people who weren’t drinking back then, we didn’t know them and didn’t want to.
Neither of us recalls our parents saying anything to us about it–before. Of course, the drinking age was 18 which was a dramatic difference. Seniors could go to a bar at lunchtime if they wanted.
21 is so unrealistic, and as a parent, I can’t hold the course that long.
“Is it just the legality?” my son asks.
“It’s important,” I say. “No matter what, you’re putting someone at risk–some parents’ home, some kid who is driving.”
He tries to hedge around that, but I don’t let him. There’s no arguing this truth.
“I want to be safe,” he says. “That’s why I want to be able to tell you so you can help me.”
Where is he getting this stuff? Online? Where’s my stuff?
“It’s also the other kids,” I say. “Maybe you’ll be smart, but someone else won’t. And then there are the other kids for whom your choices will set the norm. What about their risks? What about that responsibility?”
He doesn’t have an answer. He is as defeated as I am.
“If I thought alcohol or pot were the answers you were looking for, I’d get it for you myself,” I say. “I want you to have fun. I want you to feel your wildness.”
“I know,” he says.
When I search the internet for some support with this conversation, I only find two extremes–be clear with your kids about your expectations; or when they’re heading toward rehab–encourage them to be candid with you.
What about the in between? What about a son who wants to remain in right relationship with his parents, and yet wants to explore the world in ways in which we can’t legally or logically approve?
The devil is in this dichotomy, and neither my son or I can live with that.
‘What about emancipation?” I say. “Then you can make your own decisions.”
“I’m not ready to be on my own,” he says.
“Then save these decisions for when you are.”
“I still need your support,” he says. “Even with this.”
You can find Kelly on her blog at The Empty(ing) Nest Diary.
If you enjoyed this post, consider a free email subscription and receive my ebook, “Embrace the New Life.” Connect with me on twitter or on Facebook. What suggestions do you have for Kelly and her family? Please let us know in comments.
Dealing with teenagers and their rebellious side can be so difficult especially when they use the line ‘but everybody is doing it’… not everybody has to include you, too. Right? It can be so tricky. I’d rather have my kid come and ask me about it rather than me having to find out that they were doing x, y and z… in the same breathe, I’m not sue I’d be willingly open to having them drink or take drugs…which mother would?
Hi Gabriella,
The teen age years are rebellious and it is challenging for parents. It is wonderful this son is talking to his parents and expressing his concerns and curiosity. As parents our job is to ensure the safely of our kids, so again, a fine line. The good news is that with any luck at all, this phrase will pass, and it will all become a little easier.
That sure is a tough one. I admire the honesty in your dialogue. What strikes me as empowering is being conscious of avoiding a flat out “NO”. It takes consciousness to create a relationship that is
void of NO. It’s rare to find a relationship that is absent of NO. I think that is very evolved and effective approach to many relationships. Imagine relating to your spouse or friend in a supportive way, where you’re able to warn him or her of impending problems without saying, “NO’. Imagine engaging in NO-Free constructive criticism with one another where there is an obvious absence of resentment or weariness. Imagine how empowering a NO-Free relationship can be… what freedom; what power!
Hi Rob,
Having a dialogue, rather than a flat out NO, can enhance the relationship of any parent and child. Explaining reasons, concerns, dangers, etc. is helpful and will promote the continuing conversation. Thanks for your comment!
Hi Cathy and Kelly,
I have a son and I hope and pray that he will not go the way of drugs and alcohol as he gets older. We can only do so much before we turn into an overbearing parent that almost pushes their kids to do the things that we don’t want them to do. It is so prevalent in our society and even an expectation to go out to bars or for the younger one, to house parties and get drunk and or high.
It’s almost a “rite of passage” these days and I can see how he feels like he would be “missing out” on the experiences that all of his friends are having. There really is no right or wrong here.
Hi Justin,
From Kelly’s post, it feels like she has such a close relationship with her son and I can feel her angst in losing that connection. I agree that overbearing parents can often do more harm than good, but learning about prevention of teen substance abuse can go a long way to ensuring your child does not go down that road. There are no guarantees, of course, and it is a constant challenge for a number of years. The brain keeps developing until about age 25, so if our kids are living healthy lifestyles until their mid twenties, usually they will not be burdened by the disease of addiction. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Kelly and Cathy,
Having teenagers is a rough time and for me I did a lot of praying. I like the openness you have with your son.
People in general want to be like everyone else. I tried to teach my kids to be themselves. It is ok to be different. When it comes to the drinking and drugs, let them know what it can lead too and what they can lose if they always partake in this behavior.
Having grown up with a father that was a weekend alcoholic I knew what it could do. I did do a little drinking yes, but I knew that it was not something I wanted in my life.
Like i said in the beginning. Pray a lot. You always be guided on what to do., It worked for me.
Blessing to you,
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
Praying is good! I agree – thanks for reminding us. You make a good point, I think when kids see the damage first hand that alcohol or drugs can do, they can either have the genetic component and go down the same road, or they step back and vow to not have that kind of lifestyle. None of us get through life completely unscathed, and we carry the our childhood experiences with us. Some of those experiences enriched our lives, some caused pain, but they all are part of who we are today. It’s what we do with that experience that makes the difference. So glad you made the choices you did as we are all enjoying your happiness. Thank you.
Wow! Great story! And I really tough one to answer.
But you do know that you have an amazing teen. One worry is: what will happen if they haven’t been exposed when they go to college. I have three boys… the oldest two tried things during high school and are now at college. They seem to be pretty responsible at college. I always wondered if they would have gone crazy if they hadn’t tried a few things before. I always emphasized safety and not driving… and still do today.
There’s no good way to figure this out!
Hi Betsy,
You have a point. Sometimes when it’s time to go to college, kids go off the deep end because they finally have some freedom and can make their own choices. The problem is that experimenting may go too far and turn into something much worse. We also have to remember the developing brain of the teenager, but I agree with you that there are no easy answers.
That was a powerful conversation. That is incredible to see an honest conversation play out on this topic.
Kudos to your son.
I hate to say it, but the kid probably should look for different friends. I don’t know how you accomplish this since he’s probably too far entrenched, but with friends like that he’s always going to be tempted.
I’m a Mormon and had good Mormon friends, but religion aside, it kept me in a good group and allowed me to never feel pressured to smoke, drink, have sex, or any thing else that was a typical temptation for high-schoolers.
At that age, friends are everything, so it will take an incredible amount of effort for any young man to resist those temptations as long as his friends are participating.
Sad to see, but at least you have a son willing to be honest about it.
Bryce
Hi Bryce,
You make a good point that friends can be such a powerful influence at this time in a person’s life. Unless you are willing to have your child change schools, which doesn’t always help, it is difficult. You cannot be with your teen 24/7. Being aware of what is going on and noticing how well your child is doing overall helps parents make informed decisions. So glad you found healthy friends that were a positive force in your life.
Wow! Incredible the honesty between Kelley and her son and that they’re willing to keep talking in spite of neither getting the answer they want to hear. I don’t know if this may help – it’s a post to help all concerned better understand the relatively new brain research and why alcohol is harmful to the teen brain in a way it is not harmful to the mature, adult brain — “How Teens Become Alcoholics Before Age 21,” http://tiny.cc/pyesf. Thanks so much for sharing on a topic all parents face at some point.
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for sharing the link. There are no easy answers for parents of teens, but I appreciate your information on how alcohol harms the developing brain. It will be helpful to any parent going through this. Thanks for your comment.