This is a guest post by Roseanne Lockinger.
Being able to determine whether your relationship is healthy or toxic is not always as straightforward as it might seem.
To a person on the outside looking in, it may be very clear that your relationship is bad for you. Therefore you should get out of it. Looks can be deceiving and when you are in the midst of the emotions of the relationship, things can look very different.
What may look like emotional abuse to someone on the outside may be perceived quite differently by the person in the relationship. Since many of us have a tendency to trick ourselves into believing what we want, seeing our relationships from an objective standpoint can be almost impossible.
Another factor that also plays into the toxicity of the relationship is that most with substance use issues also employ unhealthy techniques, especially manipulation, which can further heighten conflict in a high-stress relationship.
Let’s face it; many people who come into sobriety do not have the best track record with relationships. Many of us have spent years in toxic relationships while we were using.
Our basis for what a healthy relationship looks like can be severely lacking.
- We may not understand that the passion that comes from an unhealthy relationship is not love, but rather some insatiable need to fix.
- We may not understand that we should be with a partner who can meet our needs.
- We may not understand that love is not finding a person who completes you, or fixes you, but rather complements you and your characteristics.
Having the drugs and alcohol removed from us often leaves us with very few coping skills in regards to life. People tend to turn to a relationship in order to find solace and comfort.
While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, doing so can lead to complications down the road. The relationship is not built on an amicable want to be with each other, but rather a need to fix something, or avoid something within ourselves.
Many times a relationship that starts out under these circumstances will turn toxic fairly quickly and once it does, breaking the cycle can be very difficult.
It can be extremely difficult to get out of a relationship that is not good for you because at the end of the day ending a relationship is painful. It is so painful that sometimes people actually go out and relapse over it.
If you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you need to know the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one. It is important to understand this. Then attempt to move towards the ideals that you have for what a relationship should look like.
Tips to Tell The Difference Between a Health and Toxic Relationship
While I am not an expert on relationships, I do have my fair share of experience with toxic relationships. I have done a lot of work on myself in order to discover what it was that led to the failing of these relationships.
If you find that you can relate to any of the following things, then maybe take a closer look at your relationship and see what is going on.
You Cannot Be Yourself
This is probably the main sign that your relationship is toxic. If you find that within your relationship you cannot expose who you truly are, because when you did in the past, you were put down for it, then your relationship may be toxic for you.
Relationships aren’t about molding yourself into who the other person wants you to be, they are about being yourself. If you can’t do that, then there may be a problem.
Holding On To The Beginning Of The Relationship
Almost all relationships start off on a really positive note. There is that honeymoon period where you are just getting to know each other and everything is great, but then comes the work. It takes works to really get to know someone. If you find you’ve reached the point where you just keep trying to get back to the beginning honeymoon stage, then the relationship may not be for you.
Jealousy
Jealousy isn’t always bad, because as human beings we all experience it to one degree or another, but if there is an abundance of jealousy in your relationship then it may be toxic for you. If you find that your significant other gets jealous if you talk to other people or vice versa, it may be because of a lack of trust, or just that the relationship is not meant to last.
No Real Communication
All relationships require open and honest communication. Now communication takes work to develop. If you find that over a long period of time you are unable to communicate with your significant other and this is causing arguments and other problems, then you may be in a toxic relationship.
It is usually a sign of a healthy relationship to argue every once in awhile. If it is constant, and because of a lack of communication, then there may be greater problems at hand.
You Only Think About Pleasing Them
It is nice to want to please your partner but if it is the only thing you think about then you may want to take a look at the relationship. Relationships are a two-way street. If it appears that it is only one-sided and you are constantly preoccupied with whether or not your partner is happy, then it may not be the relationship for you.
Neither Of You Can Stay Sober
This is usually the outcome of staying in a toxic relationship for too long. Neither person can stay sober. Why this is, I’m not really sure, but it’s something I’ve noticed over the years. It always seems that when a couple gets to the point where they know they shouldn’t be together and yet can’t break up, they both wind up using at some point in the future. If you find this to be the case with your relationship, then get out now, because it is more than likely toxic.
Hopefully, this helped give you a little clarity on your situation. Remember to continue to talk to friends if you are having problems in your relationship.
Problems do not always mean that a relationship is toxic, but if it is, talking with friends will help expose what you need to do.
Rose Lockinger is a passionate member of the recovery community. A rebel who found her cause, she uses blogging and social media to raise the awareness about the disease of addiction. She has visited all over North and South America. Single mom to two beautiful children she has learned parenting is without a doubt the most rewarding job in the world. Currently the Outreach Director at Stodzy Internet Marketing.
You can find Rose on LinkedIn & Instagram
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