This is a guest post by Roseanne Lockinger.
Being able to determine whether your relationship is healthy or toxic is not always as straightforward as it might seem.
To a person on the outside looking in, it may be very clear that your relationship is bad for you. Therefore you should get out of it. Looks can be deceiving and when you are in the midst of the emotions of the relationship, things can look very different.
What may look like emotional abuse to someone on the outside may be perceived quite differently by the person in the relationship. Since many of us have a tendency to trick ourselves into believing what we want, seeing our relationships from an objective standpoint can be almost impossible.
Another factor that also plays into the toxicity of the relationship is that most with substance use issues also employ unhealthy techniques, especially manipulation, which can further heighten conflict in a high-stress relationship.
Let’s face it; many people who come into sobriety do not have the best track record with relationships. Many of us have spent years in toxic relationships while we were using.
Our basis for what a healthy relationship looks like can be severely lacking.
- We may not understand that the passion that comes from an unhealthy relationship is not love, but rather some insatiable need to fix.
- We may not understand that we should be with a partner who can meet our needs.
- We may not understand that love is not finding a person who completes you, or fixes you, but rather complements you and your characteristics.
Having the drugs and alcohol removed from us often leaves us with very few coping skills in regards to life. People tend to turn to a relationship in order to find solace and comfort.
While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, doing so can lead to complications down the road. The relationship is not built on an amicable want to be with each other, but rather a need to fix something, or avoid something within ourselves.
Many times a relationship that starts out under these circumstances will turn toxic fairly quickly and once it does, breaking the cycle can be very difficult.
It can be extremely difficult to get out of a relationship that is not good for you because at the end of the day ending a relationship is painful. It is so painful that sometimes people actually go out and relapse over it.
If you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you need to know the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one. It is important to understand this. Then attempt to move towards the ideals that you have for what a relationship should look like.
Tips to Tell The Difference Between a Health and Toxic Relationship
While I am not an expert on relationships, I do have my fair share of experience with toxic relationships. I have done a lot of work on myself in order to discover what it was that led to the failing of these relationships.
If you find that you can relate to any of the following things, then maybe take a closer look at your relationship and see what is going on.
You Cannot Be Yourself
This is probably the main sign that your relationship is toxic. If you find that within your relationship you cannot expose who you truly are, because when you did in the past, you were put down for it, then your relationship may be toxic for you.
Relationships aren’t about molding yourself into who the other person wants you to be, they are about being yourself. If you can’t do that, then there may be a problem.
Holding On To The Beginning Of The Relationship
Almost all relationships start off on a really positive note. There is that honeymoon period where you are just getting to know each other and everything is great, but then comes the work. It takes works to really get to know someone. If you find you’ve reached the point where you just keep trying to get back to the beginning honeymoon stage, then the relationship may not be for you.
Jealousy
Jealousy isn’t always bad, because as human beings we all experience it to one degree or another, but if there is an abundance of jealousy in your relationship then it may be toxic for you. If you find that your significant other gets jealous if you talk to other people or vice versa, it may be because of a lack of trust, or just that the relationship is not meant to last.
No Real Communication
All relationships require open and honest communication. Now communication takes work to develop. If you find that over a long period of time you are unable to communicate with your significant other and this is causing arguments and other problems, then you may be in a toxic relationship.
It is usually a sign of a healthy relationship to argue every once in awhile. If it is constant, and because of a lack of communication, then there may be greater problems at hand.
You Only Think About Pleasing Them
It is nice to want to please your partner but if it is the only thing you think about then you may want to take a look at the relationship. Relationships are a two-way street. If it appears that it is only one-sided and you are constantly preoccupied with whether or not your partner is happy, then it may not be the relationship for you.
Neither Of You Can Stay Sober
This is usually the outcome of staying in a toxic relationship for too long. Neither person can stay sober. Why this is, I’m not really sure, but it’s something I’ve noticed over the years. It always seems that when a couple gets to the point where they know they shouldn’t be together and yet can’t break up, they both wind up using at some point in the future. If you find this to be the case with your relationship, then get out now, because it is more than likely toxic.
Hopefully, this helped give you a little clarity on your situation. Remember to continue to talk to friends if you are having problems in your relationship.
Problems do not always mean that a relationship is toxic, but if it is, talking with friends will help expose what you need to do.
Rose Lockinger is a passionate member of the recovery community. A rebel who found her cause, she uses blogging and social media to raise the awareness about the disease of addiction. She has visited all over North and South America. Single mom to two beautiful children she has learned parenting is without a doubt the most rewarding job in the world. Currently the Outreach Director at Stodzy Internet Marketing.
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Such an important topic! These threads can run through any relationship whether there’s addiction or not. “You Cannot Be Yourself” stands out the strongest for me. Thank you for writing this, Rose. And Cathy, thank you for sharing it.
That they can Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post! Sandra!
I’ve experienced so many of these along the way Roseanne and Cathy and am so happy that as I became more aware and awake in life I was able to take stock of what I wanted and more to the point what I deserved.
This is a great wake up call for the many people who are still experiencing relationships where they aren’t valuing themselves sufficiently to appreciate how precious they are.
You make some great points, Elle. It can really be a process of dating all the wrong people to find the one that is right for you.
It is important to find the one that will support you in healthy ways. Take care!
These are fabulous points and ones which really hit home to me as someone who believes in claiming personal power. Knowing who you are and being free to be yourself in a relationship is a wonderful gift. Thank you <3
Yes, it is Allanah. I so agree. Too often, especially the young people find themselves dependent on another person for their happiness, and that usually doesn’t work. Being clear about who you are and having that personal power is so important. Thanks
I do believe that you have pointed out some of the most obvious indicators of whether a relationship is in a state of health or not. Talking to friends who are supportive can help. Best is to get professional help if the problem is serious.
Hi Evelyn,
Getting professional help can be so valuable to help sort things out. That discussion with an objective person can make things so much more clear. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
I was in a marriage with pretty much all of these (except the sober) for 18 years. It was not until the end that I even started thinking in terms of it being “healthy” or not. It took me a while to even get to the point of realizing it wasn’t good for me.
I never thought about it before, but I think I always held on to the beginning of the relationship thinking we could get back there.
Thanks for this enlightening post.
Hi Debbie,
You are not alone with feeling that you needed to be healthy yourself after a number of years in a marriage. It is so helpful to be clear with yourself about what you need in a relationship, rather than fall into it because it is convenient, which I think too many young people do. It’s more fun than being alone, but some of the relationships don’t have healthy results. Thanks for stopping by.
So important to be able to be yourself in any relationship. I know sometimes that when I make a compromise i don’t feel good . Thanks food for thought xxx
So true, Suzie. Some compromises are good, but others can make us feel that we are giving up too much.
Cathy, I love how simply you have stated the distinction between a healthy and toxic relationship. Very necessary for us all.
xoxo, Z~
Thanks Zeenat. Healthy relationships are definitely better for all concerned.
This is excellent and such an important topic, Cathy and Roseanne. So many of these resonated for me – “No real communication” and “You cannot be yourself,” especially.
Hi Lisa,
Glad the post resonated with you. I can relate as well to Rosanne’s words. We learn through our experiences what works best for us. Take care!
Right up there in the list of important topics. Especially for someone like me in recovery. I waited a good while before getting into a relationship. This was due to the fact that in previous attempts to get clean and sober i left treatment and went straight into replacing my substance with a person. Obviously the reasons were not right and looking back now i can see my judgement was flawed, it was fuelled by my fear of being alone. The relationships always ended in pain, frustration and my eventual relapse. I was more afraid this time of being with the right person than being alone. This time i enjoyed my own company, I took it seriously slow and made sure that i was making the right decision. So far so good,not easy but good and it seems healthy. Living with a recovering addict cant be easy as there are times i am unmanageable and convincing someone that my recovery and the decisions i have to make for it, will always come first isn’t easy for her either. But she understands that without recovery we have nothing.
Thanks for the post
Hi Ira,
First, congrats on your recovery. That is really awesome that you have have taken the time to know yourself and what you need in recovery before getting involved in a relationship. That will make the difference in the long run. All the best to you going forward. Thanks for stopping by.