This is a guest post by Jason Anthony.
Do you find creating boundaries challenging?
Some of the more stressful aspects we face in our personal and professional lives are managing our perceptions, beliefs, and emotions when dealing with others, stress, and negative situations.
We like to think that the people we care about have our best interest at heart and the world is working with us, but sometimes this isn’t the case. Sometimes the actions and behaviors of those close to us create the most damage, and sometimes the situations we end up in can be difficult to process or manage.
When you work towards strengthening your boundary, managing and processing these occurrences becomes a breeze. You become less affected by what happens to you and more effective in what will happen to you.
In its simplest form, your personal boundary is an invisible force that holds together who you are as an individual. It contains your thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions, core beliefs, values, and energy. These are substances that make up your life and who you are. In the same way that a rubber balloon holds air, your personal boundary is responsible for keeping in all your resources.
Now, picture in your mind that you just filled a shiny red balloon up with air, and you have the end clasped between your finger and thumb. What happens if you let your fingers go? What happens if you or someone else pokes a hole in it? The balloon either pops, or the air rushes out, sending the balloon out of control and out of your reach.
Signs of a Weak Personal Boundary
With weak boundaries, it’s easy to allow someone or something to pop the balloon. It’s even easier to pop it yourself or let it slip out of your fingers. It feels like you’re drained and have no energy when this happens. Your thoughts become scattered and cloudy, and soon emotions tend to override logic and reality.
Simply put, a poor boundary leaves you feeling like you have no control. It’s at this point where everything outside of yourself dictates how you act and behave. Your mood and feelings are based on what’s happening to you. You become reactive and responsive to what’s around you, rather than proactive and in charge of yourself and your direction.
It’s a scary feeling and something I’ve dealt with on a personal level. It took some dire events in my life to realize that I was the only one able to do something about it, but before I could do so, I had to single out what it was that needed to be corrected.
Identifying The Improvement Areas
Depending on your situation, several factors can contribute to a weakened boundary. They can range from family members and spouses to outside factors like finances, your career, and something as simple as sitting in rush hour traffic. It can be physical or mental, or both. There are no limits to what we can let affect us.
If someone or something is causing turmoil, stress, drama, and sucking the resources from you, then they’re easily identifiable as an area that needs improvement. It can even be you. For myself, it was a huge struggle with my self-esteem. I had a horrible sense of self-worth, and as a result, I was a burden and drained myself and the people around me that I cared about.
It’s essential to include all the areas, including yourself. How do you feel about yourself, react to others, and approach conflict? Take an inventory of all the elements you are currently struggling within your life.
Thoughts will always remain thoughts if you do nothing about them, so list them out with a pencil, pen, or type them. By defining the issues and making them tangible, you make them manageable.
Strengthen Your Identity
You can now prioritize and categorize each instance with a list in hand. Which are the most urgent and should be dealt with immediately, and what can wait for another time.
Don’t worry if your number one priority may take more time than number 3 or 4. You can still hold the importance of one obstacle as the main priority as you work towards eliminating others.
For example, losing weight or quitting smoking may rank high on your list, but they take a considerable amount of time to accomplish. Keep them up there, but also work at chipping away at everything else on your list in the meantime, too. It will help you build momentum along the way.
Now comes the fun part.
I’m sure you will agree that time and energy are two rare and precious commodities. Since they’re such exceptional assets, it only makes sense to choose how you will spend them. You can do this by applying the 100/0 Rule.
It simply means you take full responsibility for the matters that are 100% in your control – everything inside the balloon. This includes your feelings, emotions, beliefs, ideas, thoughts, decisions, and actions.
You have 0% of everything outside of the balloon in terms of what you can control. This includes family and friends, co-workers, traffic, weather, finances, the economy, and even your spouse and children. Don’t be mistaken here, you may have X amount of responsibility when it comes to these things, but they are stand-alone entities in their balloons, for which you cannot control.
Another amazing and invigorating advantage you have in strengthening your identity is the power of saying “no.” Unfortunately, there are people out there who tend to take advantage of another person’s goodwill.
By saying no, you are putting decision-making power in your hands. Remember that you can’t be all things to all people, and it’s perfectly OK to decline a request for a favor or pass on an invite. In doing this, you make your boundary visible to others and yourself. You do not have to shut everything out of your life but try saying no every now and then. I think you’ll like it.
By strengthening your boundary, you increase your level of self-worth and set healthy limitations on your relationships and with the people in your life. This is a natural way to build confidence and a sense of value in yourself. In practicing and making yourself a priority, you’ll start to notice how things that may have derailed you in the past seem to roll off your shoulders. It’s a great feeling!
Action Steps To Take Today
- Can you control it? Apply and reinforce the 100/0 Rule with consistency.
- Practice saying no and taking control where necessary.
- Celebrate your efforts and victories – you deserve it.
Identify the areas of your life where you feel drained.
Remember to monitor and track your progress along the way. Even if you’re still waging war, you can celebrate the victory of the more minor battles along the way. Each time you advance, it’s a step closer to your goal, which you can be proud of.
I sincerely wish that by sharing some of these ideas with you, you may gain a fresh perspective or perhaps something to hold on to, refine, or use as your own for many years to come. Now I’d like to hear what you think. Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments.
Jason Anthony is a writer on the topic of human potential and the fundamentals behind the dynamic behavior.
Hi Jason! I just loved your balloon example. It is so true that we are a 100% responsible for how we react to and handle our happiness. The toughest word ever is “NO”. As you rightly said, sometimes our families / relatives do the maximum damage – especially to our self-esteem – they assume they know us so well and can therefore pass judgment, never worrying about the hurt they cause.
The tips to take control of our life are great!
Thank you for a wonderful read!
You’re right, when dealing with families it can be especially difficult. They may have good intentions, but its up to us to put healthy limits on what is or isn’t acceptable. Thanks so much!!
Love this post. I am a huge fan of the word “No”.
Thanks, Todd! Its a very powerful word when used in the right way 🙂
An interesting and helpful read Jason!
Recently had to change the boundaries in a significant relationship and often have to remind myself that I am responsible only for my choices and the other person is responsible for theirs. Standing up for myself and sticking to my boundaries wasn’t easy at first but am now experiencing positive benefits that I know I wouldn’t have experienced had I let them ‘pop my balloon’!
Your article has given me some fresh ideas. Thank you!
Close and very meaningful relationships can really benefit from healthy boundaries. The hardest part is getting past the emotion(s) tied to the relationship itself. Glad to hear of your triumph and positive outcomes! Keep up the great work, Carolyn!
Jason,
I’m looking forward to reading your website. I really enjoyed the post, especially reading about the power of “no”. That took me a while to get in life!
Thanks!!
Betsy
Thanks, Betsy! I appreciate it. It’s almost like a secret weapon we all have in our arsenal, just have to figure out how and when to use it 🙂 Looking forward to seeing you around!!
Hi Jason,
Great post on a subject that needs to be focused on more. The words are easy. The practice takes discipline.
The suggestions you offer are excellent. Saying ‘no’ is a hard one but like everything, if you practice, you can get the hang of it.
I’m a big believer in putting boundaries up so that negative energy can’t invade my space. There are several ways of doing it. They involve visualization. It takes all of a minute to do and boy, does it make a difference. Once you’re in charge of your space, there is no need to say ‘Someone made me feel’ of ‘She did that to me’. I don’t let energy vampires enter my space.
Hi Fran!
Energy Vampires 🙂 I love that terminology because, yes, people and events can suck what seems to be th life right out from us. Great tips, thanks for sharing and reading!
It’s one of them most important things we can do for ourselves is create and keep boundaries. There is no way to be happy without them! Great post!
Thank you, Tess! A strong boundary is the mark of a happy/fulfilled person 🙂
Oh my gosh — I love this post. I especially liked your balloon example and your 100/0 Rule — excellent!! Thanks so much for sharing.
I am very glad you enjoyed it, Lisa 🙂
100/0 comes in handy when we stop to think about our interactions with the world around us! Thanks for reading!
Hi Jason…excellent article. Love the balloon idea also. This is a timely article for me as I have been experiencing some exterior challenges from blended family members, which are conflicting with my personal standard, expectations and moral compass. When I do say “no” to my husband regarding attending a particular family event, he makes me feel guilty and does not support or stand by my requests. This has been going on for some time now, along with many other exterior issues surrounding basic, simple requests. So, most recently, and unfortunately, I felt so pushed beyond my limit, I allowed my balloon to burst. Do you have any suggestions surrounding the issue of my saying no thank you, not this time and then to be made to feel guilty for my stance and wind up going anyway. That’s one issue of many that have been building up over time.
Great post Jason!
I used to let my parents suck me dry emotionally, until I finally learned how to set firm boundaries with them. It took years and wasn’t easy but it’s made a huge, positive impact on my life.
We teach people how to treat us. If we respect ourselves enough to establish healthy boundaries, others respect us more. Funny how that works. Usually we think that others will respect us more if we constantly try to please them when the opposite is true.
The 100/0 rule is a wonderful idea! Many times we waste tons of time and energy trying to control people and things outside of our balloon. Knowing where our boundaries are greatly reduces our stress as we focus only on what we can control – ourselves.
Thanks for this Cathy and Jason!
Thank you very much for sharing your story, Paige! I absolutely agree that its up to us to teach others how to treat us. I’m a huge proponent of the 100/0 Rule, and use it daily 🙂 It helps keep a lot of events and circumstances in check. Glad to hear your feedback!
I would also like to give a very warm thank you to Cathy for the opportunity to share here on TreatmentTalk! It is truly an honor. Thanks, Cathy!
Hi Jason,
You are most welcome! We have all enjoyed your wonderful post. I am so glad my readers have had the opportunity to find out more about you.
@ Nice post Jason thanks for sharing
I liked the fact that you mentioned how do you approach conflict. I was the type of person that avoided conflict at all costs until I did like like you suggested and I did a personal inventory when I did this I found out exactly where my fear was coming from. Knowing where the problem was coming from allowed me to deal with it and I no longer have to avoid conflict.
Conflict can be difficult for many. Its much easier to avoid or dance around than it is to buckle down and take a stand. But when you do, great things happen 🙂 Thanks, Art! Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for the intro to the 100/0 rule, Jason. Something so simple, yet so hard to remember when you’re in the thick of it.
I’d say that having that moment of awareness and being able to apply it sooner than later takes the most time to get used to. Thank you, Debra!
Hi Jason,
Wonderful post and topic and Cathy made a wise choice in letting your guest post here. I love posts that really get us to thinking.
I guess I have’t always been strong willed like I am now but I have been the majority of my life. I lived with my Dad fighting cancer my entire life so I learned to embrace every moment and live like there is no tomorrow. I also learned to never let anyone else take my power from me or steer me in a direction I don’t want to go. Life is too short so I know that my Dad’s illness was a huge impact on me as were all the other people I saw lose their lives throughout my lifetime. I guess that just made me want to live more and enjoy life.
Thank you Jason for this wonderful message. Have a wonderful day to you both!
~Adrienne
Very heartfelt and inspirational, Adrienne! Thank you for sharing your story!
Expertly said, Jason. When we shine the light of truth on any given NO, we realize that the only power it has is the power we give it. This truth can conquer false boundaries and constraints that we’ve unwittingly imposed upon ourself.
When a NO rises from the basement of our mind, we can recognize it for what it is – nothing but the wailing specter of old criticisms and long-gone failures. It’s an explosion of suppressed energy that gets its power from the attention we pay it.
Hey Jason,
Very well-written. It’s important to take charge of one’s own life and not let ourselves be driven by others’ thoughts and motives about us. I loved the 100/0 rule you gave here, if one were to follow this, it’ll be so easy to manage one’s interactions with the outside world. And yes we need to understand the power of the word ‘No’. I’ve myself seen such stressful days and circumstances, just because I found it hard to say No, now I’m learning to get better at this each day. Sometimes you need a couple of hard blows to let this awareness dawn on you.
The action steps that you listed are spot on. Thanks for sharing such beautiful and worthy insights with us.
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed to hear! Love the 100/0 thing! I have been trying really hard to take a more zen approach to my life but keep feeling out of control because of what I know are boundary issues. Thank you again!
Hi Trista,
This is a common problem for many, so you are not alone. It can be a challenge to know when we are helping, enabling, and where to set the boundary. For me, it is a continual effort, but doable. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment.
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I enjoyed the article and like how you framed the 100/0 rule. It’s easy to understand and reminds us to always evaluate where we devote our time and energy.
Wonderful post, Anthony (and thank you for sharing, Cathy). I love your balloon analogy and found your description of how to tell when your boundary has been breeched, “it feels like you’re drained and have no energy. Your thoughts become scattered and cloudy, and soon emotions tend to override logic and reality,” spot on. Love your action steps, as well.
Thanks, Lisa!