I connected with Phil Bauer through The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids. He is an amazing example of someone who is sharing his tragedy for the benefit of others. This is the story of his beloved son Mark.
When our children were born, they became the focal point of our lives.
Their mom quit work and became a stay-at-home mom. To me, being their dad has been the most important and rewarding part of my life – then, now, always. Our “baby” Mark is almost two years younger than his brother Brian and they were best friends growing up.
They were constant companions and Mark would follow Brian everywhere. We did everything as a family. As years passed and they developed different interests, my wife and I developed our own special relationships with each of our sons.
Throughout his life, Mark was quiet and an introvert. He didn’t let many people into his life; you had to bring him into yours. However, when people took the time to get to know him, they found a wonderful, caring person.
Never much for words, he had a terrific sense of humor and could make you laugh just by his expressions and mannerisms. Mark and I shared the same competitive spirit, and sports were a natural way for us to spend time together.
Mark’s early school years were happy ones. He did well in school and had many friends. He participated in karate, basketball, and hiking and enjoyed video games, the ocean, and animals.
In addition to shopping with his mom and fishing with his brother and dad Mark was also active in the youth group at church. Everything in Mark’s life appeared to be going well.
I never associated “addiction” or “substance abuse” with my son. In my mind, those were linked to other people from other neighborhoods. I thought of us as the stereotypical middle class family. Substance abuse was just something that I heard about on the news or read about in the newspaper. Unfortunately, I know now that it was also in our own house.
How could that be? Mark had a family who loved and cared about him. He was a caring, sensitive person and had just earned the credits he needed to graduate from high school. He was a day away from his one-year anniversary at work. He lifted weights five nights a week. Life seemed good!
Sure, there were a few occasions when we found weed in his room or discovered that he drank beer. We dealt with each occurrence by talking with him and assigning some form of punishment, and then we moved on. I never saw it as an addiction problem.
In the spring of 2004, Mark seemed to have turned things around. He seemed happy, talked about the future, and looked forward to his upcoming graduation from high school. The faculty and staff at his school also noticed that his self-confidence was on the rise.
His eyes were clear and his speech was sharp. Issues with weed and beer seemed to be a thing of the past – just teen experimentation that Mark had outgrown. Things were looking up.
On May 27, 2004, Mark’s day went something like this. He woke up, went to school and played in the student-staff basketball game. When he came home from school, he lifted weights and ate dinner. He then went to work and got home at about 9:30 that night. When he arrived, Mark talked to us about the game, and we knew what a special day it had been for him.
That was the last conversation we ever had with Mark. He never woke up the next day. On Friday May 28, 2004, Mark died from an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.
We found a bag of loose pills in his room. None of the drugs had been prescribed for him, or for anyone else in the family for that matter. The autopsy and toxicology report indicated levels of oxycodone, morphine, acetaminophen, and amphetamines in his body. There was no trace of any street drugs or alcohol.
How could I have let this happen? After all, I had always considered myself a good dad (a great dad, actually). I have always loved my children.
We spent time together, went places together, read stories, played, etc. Since the time they were born, my children have always been the most important part of my life. My wife shares that feeling and has been a super mom. Our kids seemingly “had it made.”
As with most parents, I worried about so many things while we were raising our kids. Are they happy and healthy? What about school, values, peer pressure, street drugs? Will they be safe when they begin to drive? Will they go to college? What will they be when they grow up?
There were so many challenges to worry about, yet prescription drugs were not on that list. After all, prescription drugs are designed and intended for something good. They can relieve pain, cure or manage illness, reduce fever, provide comfort, regulate functions of the body, etc. They can be used to gain weight, lose weight, grow hair, and slow the aging process. There is no doubt that they have often helped to cure illness, prolong life or enhance the quality of life for many.
They are perceived to give a safe “high”, one without the stigma of being a drug user. They are also used at times by some who are trying to wean themselves off of illicit drugs. Kids are getting drugs from their own home, from friends or from illegal internet pharmacies. They are now among the most prevalent “drugs of abuse” in the U.S.
Having read recent surveys among parents and teens, it seems as though many still have the perception that abusing prescription drugs is safer than using illicit street drugs. I need to assure people that this is untrue. Abuse of prescription drugs can be just as addictive and can cause just as much harm as “street” drugs.
I am reminded of the dangers each day as I think back to holding Mark’s lifeless body after he died. It is such a vivid memory.
I wish that I could tell Mark what I’ve learned about the dangers of abusing prescription drugs, but I can’t It’s too late. At a time when most of life’s experiences should lie just ahead, his life ended, and I will always wonder if I could have saved him.
I miss my son more than words can express, and life is not the same anymore. I want other parents to learn from me.
Since Mark’s death in 2004, I have been dedicated to helping others avoid the same fate. Along with my wife Cookie and our oldest son Brian, we have shared Mark’s story through local radio and TV media on numerous occasions.
We have also been interviewed by local and national print media, and Mark’s story was published in a book about addiction in the fall of 2006. We have often been guest speakers to groups of at-risk teens and their parents.
Watch a tribute video to Mark: “Prescription drug peril – living a parent’s worst nightmare.”
Have you experienced prescription drug abuse in your family? What can we do to help stop this dangerous problem from spreading? Let us know your thoughts in comments.
This story was originally posted at The Medicine Abuse Project | The Partnership at Drugfree.org. Read more stories like this one or submit your own story if you have had an experience with medicine abuse in your family.
Please share this post with other families. Thank you!
Wow! what a powerful story and video. Thank you for sharing
Karen
Hi Karen,
It is powerful and an important message. It hits home, doesn’t it? Thanks for stopping by.
Sad reality of life and these stories are true representations of this reality…
Addiction does not discriminate…It can live in anyone’s home, in anyone’s child and a sneaky demon…
I am so sorry for this families loss and very grateful for their story shared to help bring awareness to others…
Hi Barbara,
All so true. Many believe that substance abuse affects just a certain section of the population, but this story as well as my experience has shown me that it can happen to anyone. We need to do what we can to protect our kids. Thanks so much for stopping by. Take care.
I felt so sad when I read this Cathy. It makes you wonder how and what can be done to protect our children? More information? What? It seems that keeping a watchful eye on them isn’t always enough. It’s a heartbreaking story and hopefully the telling of it will make a difference to another family and another child.
Thanks for sharing this.
Love Elle
xoxo
Hi Elle,
We do need more information to parents and well as students. Communication seems to be the key as well. No one can ever predict how things will turn out, but it does help to communicate with your child starting at about age 10 or 11 consistently through the high school years. I know I could have done more of that myself during that time with my children. But now that we know what can happen, and that no one’s child is immune, these kinds of stories can help other families protect their children.
What a tragic loss of life. Thank you for sharing this and making us all realise that we can never be too vigilant or too concerned when it comes to our children and drugs.
I am so sorry that this family have experienced such unnecessary heartbreak.
Hi Carolyn,
It is tragic and my hope is that parents and families will read these stories and take teen substance abuse more seriously. The prescription drug use is new and we just now are understanding the depth of the problem. Thanks for stopping and sharing your thoughts.
Phil and Cathy,
This story really hit home with me. I have three boys. The two older boys sound like yours. I often worried when they were at high school and still worry now that they’re at college. We talked a lot during those years. I don’t know what everything they did during those years but we survived and I can’t image what it would have been like if one of the kids had not. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the reminders that we can’t talk enough with our children about what’s out there and the dangers.
Hi Betsy,
It is a challenge for all parents of teens. We do the best we can. Thankfully yours did survive and for many it is just such a slight amount which can result in an overdose. Teens just don’t fully understand how dangerous mixing prescription drugs together as well as adding alcohol can be. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
My son is 16 years old and has been abusing over the counter cough syrup since he was 13. This year alone, since May he has been hospitalized nine times for accidental overdose- each time intervention came in time but I live in fear for the day we may not reach him in time. I have been unsuccessful in finding therapy that works for us and local Law enforcement says there is really nothing they can do because his drug of choice is not illegal. I am at a loss for what to do but I know I have to keep searching for an answer, he is my son I love him and I don’t want to lose him.
Thank you for sharing your stories and for listening
Hi Mari,
My heart goes out to you regarding your son. This is such a stressful situation for any parent. Have you considered changing your son’s environment? It is difficult to change a habit when there are so many influences close by that are influencing your son’s continual use. That is definitely something to consider, and could possibly help your son get back on the road to recovery. All the best.
I am the father of a herion addict with 4 plus years recovery. It was a long and hard journey for both of us. We feel very blessed that our family has our daughter back, but we know it is a journey that we will have to continue to work at. My daughter and I are so grateful we felt we wanted to give back, What we decided to to was put our effort to not only raise awareness of addiction, but to show that there is the hope of recovery. With the help of our local cable chanel they have provided our format. Go to youtube and search theemptychairshow and check it out. Hopefully through facebook twitter or any other venue you will help us spread the word. Thank you one and all.
Hi Phil,
Welcome and thank you for stopping by! I have seen your shows and they are excellent. Thank you so much for all that you are doing to spread the word about addiction and recovery. I know your videos will help many. Here is the link – http://www.youtube.com/user/theemptychairshow. All the best and thank you for all that you are doing!
I knew this story would be hard to read and it was. How very tragic. I understand the sense of confidence that we get as parents, thinking that WE are doing everything right, that OUR kids will not do bad things like THOSE kids who are raised by THOSE parents.
When my youngest child turned 18 and graduated from high school, I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking I had made it. I patted myself on the back and believed that we were through the danger zone. A year later, two of my three daughters were pregnant and not married. I thought the same things–how did this happen? What conversation did I not have? How did I not see this coming and what could I have done to prevent it?
And then there are the judgments from others, some subtle, some not so much. Parents told me how they had had conversations with their kids about sex and birth control. Like I didn’t?! Viewing me as a bad parent. Viewing my girls as bad girls. It was really hard. Thinking what I used to think, that it would never happen to me or my children.
I’m a more humble person now. What happened to Mark or to my kids can happen to anyone. My heart goes out to his family and to all families. It takes courage to tell Mark’s story, to tell all these stories. But when we do, we open hearts and eyes. We break down barriers of judgment and communication. We connect with compassion. And maybe, just maybe, we help someone.
Hi Galen,
I have a friend in the same situation. When our kids are less than perfect, we do feel shame and we feel judged. I know I did with my children’s substance abuse. I thought I had given the drug talk numerous times and obviously that wasn’t enough. As we all need to remember, we cannot control another person, even our own child. At some point our children make their own decisions. We cannot be with them 24/7 and they need their independence to learn and grow. For any parent where their children made significant mistakes, of course it’s hard to watch and it’s painful.
I do so appreciate Phil telling his son’s story because it opens the door for conversations and brings this problem out into the light. I know a number of parents who have lost their children, and my heart goes out to them. No parent deserves this kind of loss.
Thanks so much Galen for sharing your thoughts. You always provoke an interesting conversation.
Phil, this is a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss. Alcohol and drug addiction is a cyclical problem in my large family. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and your wife for your courage to speak about Mark and what took him from this world. Through you, what a positive impact Mark is having on the world. If this had happened a dozen or so years ago there’d be no opportunity to share this moving story and make an impact. Fortunately, the 21st century brought us social media and awesome blogs like this (thank you, Cathy!) to spread the word. The collective voices of loved ones who’ve learned of this little-spoken-about problem are going to have a HUGE impact. It will save lives. Thank you.
Hi Jody,
Thank you Jody for your kind words. You are so right, technology has made a hug difference in how much we can share and how many we can reach. So many are affected by substance abuse and it is often a silent problem, so the more we discuss the issue, the better for everyone. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
I am so very for your tragic loss, Phil, and I commend you and thank you for doing what you are doing to raise awareness about teen prescription drug use. I will do my best to help spread the word of your work.
Thanks as always, Lisa for your support!
This story was heartbreaking. As a mom of a son in high school I am acutely aware of the prescription drug problem in the schools. My son tells me kids can buy prescription drugs any day on campus.
I can’t tell you how many times parents have said to me, “not my kid, my kid has never had a problem with drugs or alcohol . . .” Don’t be naive, don’t look the other way thinking it’s just experimentation and they’ll be OK. If you’re fine with a roll of the dice then look away. If you’re not, take a zero tolerance stand in your household. If you don’t think that zero tolerance works talk to the parents of drug and alcohol addicted kids to find out what their stand is/was. When I told a close friend that we drug and alcohol test our son she told me that she wished she’d done more with her daughter in her teens (now in er 30’s and alcoholic).
Hi Darris,
We need more parents like you who are taking a stand and being proactive. Our kid’s lives depend on parents being parents, especially during the teen years. As we know there are no guarantees, but the chances are better that your children will by pass this epidemic if parents are aware of the potential problem and communicate often with their teen. That is great that you are drug testing your son. I wish I had done that as well when my children were experimenting in high school. All the best, and thanks for giving us that needed reminder that our children can buy prescription drugs any day on a high school campus. Parents need to know that!