This is a guest post by Kevin McCormack.
The 12 Steps are based on the admittance of one’s powerlessness over their particular addiction or compulsion.
The irony of doing this is that it takes incredible personal power to make the statement that you are powerless.
The decision to admit powerlessness over our disease is not an easy one. It always comes at the end of a long battle, with many heartbreaks and material losses. It is literally the U-turn we are making from being dysfunctional into a very powerful creator.
Addiction and co-dependency are the same disease.
Most people do not understand it in that way. The addict uses a drug or behavior that stimulates the mid-brain chemical reaction known as the Brain Reward Cascade.
The co-dependent uses thoughts and actions to stimulate the exact same process. I was coaching a client recently who has a family member suffering from addiction. Midway through the call, I referred to her as an addict. She was stunned and replied that nobody has ever called her that before.
I went on to explain that anytime we rely on an outside source to control our own happiness, we are playing the “reward cascade” game. Co-dependency, much like gambling addiction, shopping addiction, and sex addiction, are considered the pure addictions.
This is because the desired result does not come from any external source. They are thought and action-driven addictions which stimulate the dopamine release, providing us the reward we are seeking.
Once we have the awareness that we have a disease, a continuing and progressive illness, we are put in the position of making a choice. Do I continue with my behavior in spite of my knowledge? Or do I accept my condition and make the necessary changes?
This is pure power and control, the opposite of powerlessness. Granted, we cannot recover ourselves. We do need help and guidance from others. Again, we are placed in a position of using power to do what is needed to make sure that we rehabilitate the behaviors that no longer work for us.
Our thoughts create our emotions. Most people are not aware that this is how our brain works. Have you ever been walking down a street at night when the thought comes to your mind that it may not be safe?
What happens? Your heart starts racing. Your breath becomes rapid and shallow.
You simply had a thought that triggered the body’s “fight or flight” response. This thought was created by you. It didn’t just happen to come across your mind; you created it. What’s more, you likely created it out of data in your brain from an external source without any relevance to what is real in that moment.
This is how we operate most of the time. We come from data external to our self and act as though it is the God-given truth. We end up building our life around these beliefs we have about how life is, and those beliefs are typically created out of faulty data.
Recovery is all about using our power to change our beliefs that are based on faulty data.
The 12 Steps provide the necessary tools for experiencing life from a place of power rather than of powerlessness. Abstinence simply is not a satisfying enough response to the admittance of our inability to control our use of drugs and behaviors, but changing our perspective from one of “life is happening to us” to one of “life is happening through us” will repair our low self-esteem and allow for life’s greatest joys to be experienced.
Kevin McCormack C.A.d, is an addictions professional and Conversations with God life coach. Kevin hosts an Addictions and Recovery column on the website The Global Converstation.
He is a recovering addict with over 26 years of sobriety. Kevin is a co-host of “Conversations with God on Recovery” workshops and retreats. The next retreat will be held June 23rd — 26th in Medford, Oregon. To contact Kevin, visit his website www.Kevin-spiritualmentor.com or email him at Kevin.spiritualmentor@gmail.com
How do you feel about addiction and co-dependency? Have you admitted your powerlessness? Let us know in comments.
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This line stands out for me:
It is literally the U-turn we are making from being dysfunctional into a very powerful creator.
Amen!
Great line from Kevin, Tess. It is so easy to look at others and see their dysfunction, but most important to look at ourselves and see ours. I agree that we become so much more powerful when we let go of our issues and work on making healthy changes.
This is brilliant Kevin…’Our thoughts create our emotions.’ Absobloominglutely. And I’ve never connected co-dependence as an addiction, but it really is. Probably the same could be true of the ‘fixers’ of the world and I say that as a recovering fixer!
Love Elle
xoxo
Hi Elle,
I know I have been known to be a fixer as well. I have to bite my tongue at times to stop myself from giving that advice that wasn’t asked for. I’ve made progress, so always happy about that. Co-dependence can take over your life, especially when you become fixated on a loved one’s issues. We can’t fix others, we can only fix ourselves. Take care! xoxo
Cathy-
Thanks for hosting Kevin. I have always intuitively felt that co-dependency is a form of addiction BUT never consciously would use that phrase. Now it all makes perfect sense. Fran
Hi Fran,
It helped me as well, Fran. We can get addicted to the addict whether it be our child, parent, sibling, spouse, etc.Being too focused on their issues and trying endlessly to help them, doesn’t solve the problem, but it is a process for all of us. Thanks for stopping by!
Someone very wise once said to me that a child’s addiction is his/her disease, and a parent’s need to control it is their disease. It took me a while to actually come to understand that, but the longer I live, the more I see that it is true. I believe that this is basically what is being talked about here!
Hi Leslie,
That is so true. It is hard for parents to realize that they are affected as well, but addiction is a family disease that affects everyone. Letting go of control is a process for parents, but worth realizing how you can be there in the best way for your child.
Cathy, so much good stuff here. I know that I began my recovery with an abundance of “faulty data” and I’m so grateful that recovery has taught me how to reprogram my perspective. I recognize that “life is happening through me” is much more empowering than the victim mentality I had when I first began this journey almost 25 years ago.
That is great, Becky that you were able to work through the process with your recovery. For family members, it is recovery just like Kevin mentioned and we do have to work it one day at a time. I can so relate to the victim mode myself. I feel into that trap myself for awhile. The key for all of us is getting good information and the support that will help us the most so that we can maintain long term recovery. Wonderful to hear from you!
Thank you so much, I have been struggling for the last year trying to “control”, about 1 month ago, I truly turned my daughter and her sobriety over to God. It truly takes one day at a time, much like her sobriety has been for her.
Hi Jennifer,
This is a process for all of us. I went through the same thing and found that when I handed back the responsibility to my adult child, it not only lifts a burden off of my shoulders, but it creates an opportunity for them to rise to the occasion and take care of their own life. All the best to you and your daughter.
Thought-provking post Cathy. I learned more about co-dependency here than I’ve read anywhere else. And how their behavior is just as damaging as the addicted person.
One particular point that resonates for all parts of life is just how much we can get control of a situation and seek help we admit we have no control of the situation.
I’m glad you found the post helpful, Vishnu. I agree that it can become an addiction just like any other. It is an interesting concept to let go of control in order to gain control. It is a challenge for many family members, especially when you affected by addiction and don’t have the information to help you. Take care and thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Wonderful interview Kevin and Cathy. I loved this section, “Once we have the awareness that we have a disease, a continuing and progressive illness, we are put in the position of making a choice. Do I continue with my behavior in spite of my knowledge? Or do I accept my condition and make the necessary changes?
This is pure power and control, the opposite of powerlessness.”
This is so very true!
I was referred to your blog, among others, to help me improve my writing and blog. After I saw your blog I was not sure I was going to gain much as I thought. I am not an addict, and my children are not addicts. This is the first post I selected to read, and I must say it changed my view.
I never saw co-dependency as an addiction, but well I will have to look inside me, and do some changes. Thank you Cathy and Kevin.
Hi Andrea,
Welcome and I’m glad you stopped by. Co-dependency can sneak up on us and we may find that we structure our life around someone else without realizing it. Best of luck to you with your endeavors.
I struggle with this admitting that I am powerlessness not over alcohol, which I do try to abstain from for the most part, but emotions. I am learning to deal with them in therapy and being on medication, but I realize that my emotions can be very hard to deal with sometimes and too much. They have lead me to three suicide attempts.
Thankfully, now I am learning to deal with it and I understand they are just emotions. I have them and they are not me. I wouldn’t be able to make the change in my life and admit I needed help though without admitting that I was powerless over them.
Admitting this is a very powerful thing. When you get to the point where you’ll do anything to help yourself, aka rock bottom, it is much easier to accept that you can be powerless.
Our emotions can be overwhelming at times. I’m glad that you are talking to a professional and taking care of yourself. I finally learned that I can control my emotions to a certain extent. In other words, they don’t have to run my life. There is a story with everything that happens to us and if we can let go of the story and just accept things for what they are instead of creating the drama that we all participate in, it helps. It does take courage to admit that we are powerless, but that is the beginning of change to something better. All the best to you!
Hi Cathy,
I’ve just read this article and from my experience I really struggled to admit I was powerless over my addiction. I had a lot of fear as well as denial when coming to terms with my addiction and my recovery story. I think it takes enormous courage to admit defeat and try a new alternative.
Pia Mellody’s book ‘Facing Co-Dependence’ is well worth reading to understand the relationship of co-dependence to addiction.
Thank you Paul