This is a guest post by Martha Lockie, who shares her son’s recovery story.
Something was definitely up with my son right out of the gate.
He put himself in dangerous physical situations from a very young age, was bizarrely impulsive, and showed a tendency towards addictive behaviors.
Given the fact that alcoholism has been in my family for centuries (I’ve traced it back), it did not occur to me that this might be his challenge in life. Well, it is, and when I finally found out, I was relieved….slightly!
Although I believe there is comfort in knowing the enemy so you can fight the battle, that knowledge is still heartbreaking for a parent. As a mother, I am the “Director of Health and Safety,” and when I used this job description and credentials to corral him into behaving, it worked until he began using drugs.
We had to do something
It became obvious that we had to do something, or our son would not be alive much longer in a short amount of time. He was caught in a buy-sell on school property and was on probation, selling everything in our house to buy drugs, lost his car in a snowstorm (we eventually found it in spring), and put himself in extremely dangerous situations.
We tried therapists, outdoor adventure camps, behavioral boarding schools, extra quality family time, religious day school, Outward Bound (they airlifted him out after 2 days), and more.
I went to an Al-Anon meeting and shared my heartache. A woman there suggested I call New Life House, a recovery community, immediately! I took her direction, and it turned out to be the best decision I have ever made.
This might make you think that everything went according to my original plan: my son gets sober, goes to college, secures a good job, dates a nice girl, gets engaged, and we have a stellar relationship. That’s not what happened.
Recovery Process
My son’s recovery process was bumpy, sloppy, beautiful, scary, joy-filled, and fraught with minefields. I have experienced so many highs and lows that I’ve stopped counting. The first three months of my son’s recovery, I felt so much relief.
I was tired of worrying about him and gladly turned his care over to New Life House. Then, at three months, they recommended that my son get a job. I freaked out, and it felt like I was a new parent in the house once again! I was sure he would steal from these employers, persuaded by a co-worker. Powerless was how I felt.
Focusing on detaching, surrender, and learning, I enjoyed the days we had as a family. And, I got through it. Once again, I felt that sense of ease and comfort. At 6 months, my son got a car, and I was catapulted back into the unknown. That settled down, and another 3 months went by.
At the two-year mile marker, he got hooked on energy drinks and decided to start his sobriety date over. I was terrified at first. How could he jeopardize his sobriety? Then I became elated, how responsible!
He’ll make it. Over and over and over, it went. I felt more emotion than I had in my own childhood.
Sobriety and recovery, especially a child’s, is very difficult to navigate. As parents, everything we do is focused on keeping them safe. Sometimes, we unintentionally smother our children and stunt their growth by withholding natural consequences.
New Life House
At New Life House, I was introduced to other parents who have gone through this before me. I was taught to rely on them and let the men in the house guide my son. I was encouraged to work on my own recovery and stop playing God to my son.
The young men in the house said things to me such as: “You wouldn’t take his joy from him, would you? Well, you can’t take his pain from him either.”
Things are not the way I thought they would be. Every month, there can be some topsy-turvy life event to traverse or a fire to put out, not just with my son, but life in general. I turn my attention to letting go of old ideas that my family placed on me and I, in turn, attempted to saddle my children with.
When I live in acceptance of life’s reality, I make room in my heart to love another human being just as they are.
I am reminded countless times each day how precious life is and what time I do have.
I choose to spend my love on my son for no other reason than that he is a bright light in a sometimes dark world.
