This is a guest post by Martha Lockie, who talks about her son’s recovery.
Something was definitely up with my son right out of the gate.
He put himself in dangerous physical situations from a very young age, was bizarrely impulsive, and showed a tendency towards addictive behaviors.
Given the fact that alcoholism has been in my family for centuries (I’ve traced it back), it did not occur to me that this might be his challenge in life. Well, it is, and when I finally found out, I was relieved….slightly!
Although I believe there is comfort in knowing the enemy in order to fight the battle, this knowledge is still heartbreaking for a parent. As a mother, I am the “Director of Health and Safety,” and when I used this job description and credentials to corral him into behaving, it worked until he began using drugs.
It became obvious that we had to do something, or our son would not be alive much longer in a short amount of time. He was caught in a buy-sell on school property and was on probation, selling everything in our house to buy drugs, lost his car in a snowstorm (we eventually found it in spring), and put himself in extremely dangerous situations.
We tried therapists, outdoor adventure camps, behavioral boarding schools, extra quality family time, religious day school, Outward Bound (they airlifted him out after 2 days), and more.
I went to an Al Anon meeting and shared my heartache. A woman there suggested I call New Life House, a recovery community, immediately! I took her direction, and it turned out to be the best decision I have ever made.
This might make you think that everything went according to my original plan: my son gets sober, goes to college, secures a good job, dates a nice girl, gets engaged, and we have a stellar relationship. That’s not what happened.
My son’s recovery process was bumpy, sloppy, beautiful, scary, joy-filled and fraught with minefields. I have experienced so many highs and lows that I’ve stopped counting. The first three months of my son’s recovery, I felt so much relief.
I was tired of worrying about him and gladly turned his care over to New Life House. Then at 3 months, they recommended my son get a job, I freaked out, and it felt like I was a new parent in the house once again! I was sure he would steal from these employers, be persuaded to use by a co-worker. I felt so powerless.
I focused on detaching, surrender, and learning to enjoy the days we had as a family. And, I got through it. Once again, I felt that sense of ease and comfort. At 6 months, my son got a car, and I was catapulted back into the unknown. That settled down, and another 3 months went by.
At the two-year mile marker, he got hooked on energy drinks and decided to start his sobriety date over. I was terrified at first. How could he jeopardize his sobriety? Then I became elated, how responsible! He’ll make it. Over and over and over, it went. I felt more emotion than I had in my own childhood.
Sobriety and recovery, especially a child’s, is very difficult to navigate. As parents, everything we do is focused on keeping them safe. Sometimes we smother our children unintentionally and impede their growth through the process of natural consequences.
At New Life House, I was introduced to other parents who have gone through this before me. I was taught to rely on them and let the men in the house guide my son. I was encouraged to work on my own recovery and stop playing God to my son.
The young men in the house said things to me such as: “You wouldn’t take his joy from him, would you? Well, you can’t take his pain from him either.”
Things are not the way I thought they would be. Every month there can be some topsy-turvy life event to traverse or a fire to put out, not just with my son, but life in general. I turn my attention to letting go of old ideas that my family placed on me and I, in turn, attempted to saddle my children with.
When I live in acceptance of the reality of life, I earn more space in my heart to love another human being just the way they are. I am reminded countless times each day how precious life is and what time I do have. I choose to spend loving my son for no other reason than because he is a bright light in a sometimes dark world.
What an incredibly powerful story, Martha, and thank you, Cathy for sharing it. I loved the quote the young men in your son’s group told you, “You wouldn’t take his joy from him, would you? Well, you can’t take his pain from him either.” It so true and what a way to make the point of letting go.
I really liked that line as well, Lisa. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Thanks Martha. I too realize that my family has alcoholism from way back.
My son was one of its victims, as was my mother. It’s been a long journey of ups and downs. Basically 30 years. He crashed when he was 50 years old and has been taking care of himself since then. My job was to take care of myself through this journey. I certainly can’t transfer my life knowledge and transformation to my son or anyone else, but somehow when they do start to recover, my somewhat healthy presence seems to be a good model for
their own recovery. Sharing and picking up pieces of healthy behaviour
has certainly enhanced my life. And all the people out there who have
problems with addictions in themselves or loved ones, certainly have helped me grow. Thanks Martha for sharing.