10 Ways to Help Your Child Through Their Addiction Struggle

Is your child’s addiction issue a concern for you?

Would you like some strategies that many parents have found helpful?

Addiction is devastating.

Families are torn apart and often feel helpless, not knowing how to help.

Some parents are advised to let go, detach, or let their child hit rock bottom. But for many parents, this doesn’t seem kind.

Several years ago, I learned about the Community Reinforcement and Family Training Approach (CRAFT) approach. Through the years, CRAFT has been included in the new Invitation to Change approach.

I have been personally touched by what I’ve learned from this approach to help myself in a better way. It is also essential to my work with other parents who are desperate for help. CRAFT will give you the knowledge and strength to help you cope with your child’s addiction.

Some critical things I’ve learned from CRAFT are:

As a parent, we can help… we don’t need to detach, separate, or throw our child out of the house.
We can bring KINDNESS, optimism, and positive strategies instead of always being angry, focusing on the negative, and worrying that nothing will change.
We can feel optimistic about applying the CRAFT tools because these skills are based on science, not conventional wisdom or opinions.

CRAFT is a way to help families support a child with an addiction struggle. Realizing you don’t have to let go of your child is a relief. Many parents have used the CRAFT tools to help their child change. It gives families options and doesn’t promote the one-size-fits-all approach.

You can use the CRAFT strategies when your child is in the midst of their addiction. This approach can also support early recovery.

Here are some examples of comments from parents after learning more about CRAFT:

“I feel that I would have been so much more helpful to my child if I had known about CRAFT sooner.”
“I like this so much better than the ‘tough love approach.'”
“It was so refreshing to hear professionals talk about the importance of parents and not make us feel like enablers.”

CRAFT and other research-based options must be available to any family member concerned about a loved one.

Here are 10 ways to help with the addiction struggle:

1) Strive to be resilient by practicing self-care.

Through CRAFT, I’ve learned that I need to take care of myself and to take care of my child. As a parent, I don’t need to feel that I must set aside my needs and those of other family members.

All parents have strengths that they bring to the table. Think of the 70/30 rule. You already have 70% of what you need to help your child. You are a whole, resourceful, capable, and creative parent. 30% comes from learning more about substance use and what approach will help your family the most. You can do what it takes to help your child change.

Watching your child suffer from their addiction struggle can be challenging for any parent. Strengthen your resilience with consistent self-care. It is challenging to shift from focusing on your child to spending time focusing on yourself. While it may not seem natural, you will help your child more when you feel less stressed and exhausted. Striving to be resilient can help you when times get tough. Being strong and able to recover will help you cope during this stressful time.

2) Get a handle on your emotions.

The addiction struggle is challenging. It can bring up all sorts of emotions. When you feel overwhelmed, you will stay in a negative cycle. The more you are aware of your emotions, the more you can support your child.

Self-care can help you feel more balanced and keep your emotions in check. Take time away when needed. Set limits for yourself to feel more in control of what is happening around you.

3) Use open-ended questions when talking with your child.

Questions with yes or no answers can feel like an interrogation rather than a conversation. Your son or daughter will feel more defensive and may shut down. Instead, ask questions that open up the conversation. Your child will be encouraged to be more involved in the conversation. Questions that begin with “What” or “How” can elicit conversation. The word “Why” can bring up a defensive response. It can feel less like a question and more like you are giving advice.

For change to occur, we need to shift our focus from the “whys” to the “hows” and “whats”—to what we need to change and how we can change it.~ Jeffrey S. Nevid Ph.D.

4) Acknowledge the efforts that your child is making.

Your child’s addiction struggle may wear you down. It may feel challenging to be patient to acknowledge any steps in the right direction. Yet, noticing your child’s efforts can make a difference.

When you acknowledge your child’s strengths, efforts, and steps to live healthier, your child will be more open to considering a change. It’s a missed opportunity when you don’t notice what your child is doing well.

It is helpful to “catch your child being good” regardless of age.

5) Use the “Information Sandwich” when talking to your child.

It’s easy to get into a lecture or confrontational mode when the addiction struggle is getting overwhelming. You may find yourself talking “at” your child. The “Information Sandwich” technique helps your child be more willing to hear what you have to say.

The first step is to ask permission. Think of it as knocking on your child’s bedroom door.

It allows your child to have more buy-in to the conversation, creating a greater chance they will listen to what you say. Asking first increases your child’s interest and involvement. There will be a greater feeling of working together to solve the problem. If your child is not receptive to your request to talk, do not plow forward. Wait and find a better time when your child is sober and you are feeling calm.

If the time is right, briefly share your information or question. Then, follow up by checking to see if the information made sense.

The “Information Sandwich” goes like this:

Ask permission to have a conversation: (Can I share a thought? or I have an idea I wanted to share with you.
State your information or ask a question.
Check back to see if your information makes sense to your child. (Does that make sense? Do you have a question?)

6) Reflect on Your Understanding of the Conversation.

Reflecting back on what you heard is a part of having empathy for your son or daughter’s situation. When you are reflecting, you’re simply repeating or rephrasing what your child has said. The benefit of reflecting on your child’s comment is that it lets them know you heard them. You can reflect on your child’s words or the feelings they express.

Reflecting on what you heard will help give you more information about how your child feels. It will allow you to understand better what your child is going through. There is no downside to a reflection. If you get it wrong, your child can restate what they were saying so that you understand. It helps with listening, which benefits communication.

Two questions you could ask yourself after any conversation are:

What did I learn about my child in the conversation?
How did my child feel?

7) The 7 Elements of Positive Communication can help with the addiction struggle.

These are good reminders that will help you communicate better with your child.

Here are the 7 elements of positive communication:

Be Brief – It’s easy to cover every aspect of the problem, but try to stay on topic and keep it as short and concise as possible.
Be Specific – Refer to specific behaviors rather than give vague requests that can be hard to measure.
Be Positive – Describe what you want instead of what you don’t want.
Label Your Feelings – Calmly state your feelings without blaming your child. Use “I” statements.
Offer an Understanding Statement – More understanding = less defensiveness.
Take Partial Responsibility – This may feel hard. Yet, taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem is helpful so your child understands you are in this together. This does not mean the problem is your fault.
Offer to Help – This is the kind of support that helps with recovery and does not support your child’s continued substance use. It can be a judgment call every time.

8) Your Child’s Behavior Makes Sense.

As strange as it may seem, your child is getting rewarded for their drug or alcohol use. Their drug or alcohol use is solving a problem for them. Take the time to understand why they have chosen to use drugs or alcohol.

Do not take your child’s use personally. It is usually less about you and more about their feelings when they use drugs or alcohol. Increased empathy provides more of a chance to work together with your child.

9) Reinforcement can lessen the addiction struggle and help motivate change.

Your child has a better chance of changing when you use positive reinforcement. This is one of the main helping strategies of CRAFT, which encourages the behavior you want to see.

Furthermore, it contrasts with detachment and punishment, which are less helpful. Positive reinforcement is not the same as enabling. Enabling encourages, consciously or not, drug or alcohol use. In contrast, reinforcement encourages healthy behavior. By noticing and reinforcing a behavior you like, there is a better chance that it will occur again.

Be sure to reward any behavior with kind words or actions AFTER the behavior has occurred, not BEFORE.

Rewards should be consistent and timely and something that makes sense for you. Here are some ideas for supporting your child’s positive behaviors.

a hug
time alone
a gift card
special dinner
going to a movie together
video game time
privileges
driving the car
a break from chores
sleeping in
an acknowledgment of what your son or daughter is doing well

Rewards need to be something that your child wants and will appreciate.

10) Allow for Natural Consequences.

Natural consequences can be a powerful way for your child to learn to live better. Allowing for natural consequences is more helpful than punishment or “enabling.”

Use common sense when making decisions about allowing for natural consequences. Keep your child’s safety and your comfort level in mind. One example might be not waking up your child for work when they are hungover from the night before. Another might be not calling the school to make excuses for your child’s lack of attendance or unfinished work. Again, use your common sense and choose what will work best for your situation.

You can help turn a negative situation into a more positive one. In fact, studies have shown that one of the most important reasons why a person seeks help for their substance use is their family. There are many parents out there who have helped their children change.

You can help your child get through their addiction struggle.

Your child can find recovery.

Thank you for reading. If you want to learn more, check out the research-based tools that can help you motivate your child to change. Add the Sunday newsletter to your weekly routine. Sign up now.