2 Ways to Set Practical Boundaries For Your Troubled Teen

Do you find it hard to set practical boundaries?

As I talk to parents who are concerned about their teens, one theme continues to reoccur.

It feels to me as if a large number of parents are really struggling to set clear and consistent boundaries with their kids.

The result of that, in all honesty, is that our kids get confused.

When kids experiment and engage in risky behavior, parents, understandably, get angry and frustrated with them. They may start yelling or confronting their kids. They may get so caught up in reacting to their child’s behavior that they lose control as a parent.

As a loving parent, you want to feel compassion for your teen and all they are going through in their turbulent teenage years. However, your feelings of compassion will quickly evaporate if you do not have consistent boundaries in place.

Those boundaries come in the form of consequences for their actions.

When kids do not feel a downside to their negative behavior, they have no reason to stop the behavior.

Naturally occurring consequences would include allowing your child to receive an F in a class because they chose to get high rather than study.  As a parent, you would step out of the way and not try talking the teacher into giving your child another chance.

Kids can also feel the consequences when parents set limits and boundaries, such as missing out on fun activities with their friends because they need to stay home and complete school assignments.

Parenting Styles

Our parenting is influenced by the way we were parented; we decide whether our parents’ approaches benefitted us or not, and act accordingly.

Some of us will be more strict parents, and some of us will be more lenient, and there may be a number of reasons why we hesitate to enforce the rules that we set.

For example, because I didn’t like strict rules when I was growing up, and because I tend to have more of a laid back personality, I was more lenient with my kids at times.

It turns out that being either too strict or too lenient is not the best parenting strategy.

Researchers have observed that most parents find themselves using one of the following four styles.

To better understand why you may or may not be setting boundaries with your child that are clear and consistent, read through the following parenting styles and see which style you use most often.

Controlling — The controlling parent ranks low in responsiveness to the child’s needs and wants. The controlling parent demands that the child follow marching orders issued by mom and/or dad. This rigid parent places a high value on conformity and compliance. Little input is sought, or allowed, from the child. The parent imposes punishment and the child seldom faces the natural consequences of her choices. The decree is: “Do it because I say so.”

Permissive — The permissive parent is high in responsiveness to the child’s every whim and ranks low in requiring accountability from the youngster. Permissive parents often rescue their children from experiencing natural consequences. The child may have the final say in family decisions. Household rules are often fuzzy and erratically enforced. The feeling is: “I wish you wouldn’t, but do what you want.”

Uninvolved — Uninvolved parents are low in responsiveness and low in demands. This parent appears indifferent, distracted, cold or even rejecting. The uninvolved parent is emotionally and/or physically unavailable to the child. There are a few rules and few logical consequences. The uninvolved parent often defers decision-making, or, when making a decision, pays little attention to the child’s response. Uninvolved parents rely on teachers, nannies, or the juvenile justice system to manage their child’s growth and well-being. The clear pattern is: “Do what you want. I don’t care.”

Authoritative — Firm but fair, authoritative parents set realistic limits and insist that the child adheres to them. They provide appropriate warmth, affection, and mutual respect, but children know that the ultimate authority resides with the parent. The child receives both logical and natural consequences. The understanding is: “I love you unconditionally, but there are conditions on our relationship.”

Parenting a teen can be tricky–no one is saying that it is easy! It’s a judgment call with every situation that arises, and as parents, we all make mistakes from time to time.

However, being proactive, clear, and consistent will help you nip your child’s risky behavior in the bud before it truly gets out of control.

According to Joe Herzanek, author of Why Don’t They Just Quit?, “People don’t learn from their mistakes, they learn from the consequences of their mistakes. Remove the consequences and you will have robbed them of a potentially valuable life lesson.”

Setting Practical Boundaries

To set appropriate boundaries for your kids, you only need to remember two things:

1) Set boundaries that you feel are appropriate for your child’s situation.  Every situation is different. Only you know what will help your child the most. Decide what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be for breaking them.

Collaborate with your partner so your kids are getting the same message.

Be fair, consistent, and set your boundaries with love. Tell your child what you want them to do, rather than constantly reminding them about all the things that they are doing wrong.

It can help to write down your rules so that everyone has a clear understanding of what you expect. Josh Shipp, who helps parents empower the teen in their life, provides a parent and teen contract to help everyone get on the same page.

The contract will help you set clear boundaries that you can enforce. Your kids may be more likely to obey your rules when they are in writing. Even better, make your teen part of the process so that you are all in agreement on what you expect.

2) Be consistent and follow through. The worst thing that you can do is threaten your child with consequences and then fail to follow through. It is better to not have any consequence than to not keep your word.

Your child will lose respect for you and be confused, if you don’t follow through on consequences. Kids want and need clear boundaries.

Rules are part of our lives, so when the rules for your kids are fuzzy or nonexistent, it creates an unhealthy family situation.

While maintaining a close, positive relationship with your child is important, your other role as a parent is to be the leader in the family who makes clear, consistent, and fair rules so that your child–who cannot make those decisions at times because their brain has not yet developed–will stay safe. 

Successful parenting is complicated. You certainly can’t solve all of your child’s issues, however creating the foundation of respecting you as a parent, as well as respecting the house rules, is a good place to start.

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