Did you receive the message that ‘tough love’ is the only thing that will save the life of your struggling young adult or teen?
Do you feel torn about how to help your teen who is experimenting with drugs or alcohol?
When I was first dealing with substance use issues in my family, I thought tough love was the approach that worked. You had to be tough to get results.
As I’ve learned more, I’ve realized that tough love not only doesn’t work much of the time, but it can be harmful to a struggling teen or young adult.
Many parents struggle to make sense of the tough love approach. People may have told you to detach or let go of your child. How do you keep your sanity as you watch your child spiral further out of control? Without resources and family support, your child will have more difficulty getting better.
Recovery does not have a ‘one size fits all solution. There are many complicated issues for struggling individuals and their families.
The tough love approach may sound appealing if you are frightened, exhausted, and feel you’ve run out of ideas to get your child to change.
You may ask, “Do I use ‘tough love?’ Kick him out? Let him stay? Or continue to offer love and support?”
You are not alone.
The problem for me was that my mama bear instincts didn’t do well with drawing that hard, inflexible line in the sand. I felt very conflicted and worried about my child.
Turning my back on my child would leave me with sleepless nights and anxiety-filled days. Yet, our family was told this when we picked up our daughter from her wilderness program. I remember the counselor asking each of us if we would answer the door if my daughter relapsed and tried to come home. Their correct answer was that we would not.
I understand the logic. Yet, I knew I wouldn’t turn my daughter away without trying to get her some help.
Does it work?
“The tough love approach was common back in the day, but a lot of professionals have shifted towards a boundary-setting approach, as it combines firmness with self-care and support,” ~ Tina Muller, Family Wellness Manager at Mountainside Treatment Center.
Parents hear that they should kick their son or daughter out of the house if they don’t stop their drug use. The idea is that your child will learn their lesson, yet the problem is your child will probably not get better. People living on the streets or couch surfing tend to go downhill when left alone.
If you are waiting for your child to “hit rock bottom,” the sad fact is that no one knows where their rock bottom will be. There is a chance your child will not return. It can prove to be a dangerous approach.
Such an approach fails to recognize that people don’t choose to depend on a substance. Our children’s issues are often the result of a complex set of factors that can take years of counseling, support, training, and empowerment to overcome.
Why ‘Tough Love’ can cause harm
In late 2004, the National Institutes of Health released a “state of the science” consensus statement, concluding that “get tough” treatments “do not work, and there is some evidence that they may make the problem worse.”
It causes harm by pushing your teen or young adult further into their substance use. Tough love can be harsh and punitive. The confrontational approach can make your child more resistant to change. It may also damage, sometimes permanently, your relationship with your child.
In an article from the Washington Post, one person in recovery stated, “In fact, fear of cruel treatment kept me from seeking help long after I began to suspect I needed it. My addiction probably could have been shortened if I’d thought I could have found a cure that didn’t conform to what I knew was (and sadly, still is) the dominant confrontational approach.”
One mom wrote that a counselor told her to detach and let go when her son relapsed. He was several states away. She followed that advice for a few weeks.
When she finally got in touch with her son, she found him in terrible shape. Her son came home for a brief time. She was able to convince him to try again. She continues to be haunted by the fact that he may not have made it had she not intervened.
Derek Naylor, 36, explains in the article, Tough Love Doesn’t Work: A New Approach to Helping Addicts, “While in active addiction, Naylor experienced the ‘tough love’ approach himself. He had been clean for two years, then he relapsed. ‘My family’s ‘tough love’ approach played a big part in my attempting suicide,’ he said. ‘It’s not their fault I attempted suicide, but their words and actions put me over the edge.
Watching your child suffer when they need your help is too dangerous and gut-wrenching. A less punitive, more compassionate approach can reduce substance use. It also causes less anxiety for family members.
It may seem more straightforward to turn your back and shut the door. Yet, you will have a better chance that your child will agree to seek change when you stay close.
Here are three alternatives to the tough-love approach:
1. Take the time to understand the problem
Taking time to understand the problem opens up a way to talk with your child and help them understand his behavior in a new way. You both will be able to appreciate that addiction is a problem that your child can solve.
The first step is to understand the root of the problem. It is better than attempting to control your child’s substance use through discipline.
It is easy to want to skip this step. Emotions like guilt and regret can come up. These feelings can be painful for parents. Remind yourself that things are never perfect when bringing up a child. Your child’s substance use is not your fault.
To get to the root of the problem, you need to understand what that problem is.
2. Use positive encouragement
The New Science of Human Relationships, “Positive encouragement stimulates the part of the brain that enhances mental abilities such as, “Creative thinking, cognitive flexibility, and the processing of information,” the very mental capacities most needed for people to come up with solutions to their problems. ~ Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence: However, messages that are consistently negative and focus on a person’s faults and flaws are only likely to increase feelings of stress, fear, and anxiety. This approach will further restrict the horizon of possibilities for individuals and communities trying to break out of often strongly engrained patterns of predictably harmful behaviors.”
Even though your child is using drugs or alcohol, look for things they are doing right. Look for what you can reinforce. It may be a tiny thing. Your adult child who lives away from you takes the time to call or answer your call. Acknowledge that.
It may seem odd to reinforce something your child should already be doing. Drug use changes things, and your child is not operating like others his age. You can help change by reinforcing positive behavior. Reinforcement starts a positive snowball effect.
3. Set clear boundaries. Allow your child to take responsibility
Boundary setting and allowing consequences are two powerful ways to make an impact.
Step out of the way and let your child feel the consequences of their actions. Your teen or young adult will learn a powerful lesson.
While boundary-setting sounds like tough love, there is a difference. Boundary setting is done with love and compassion for your child ahead of time. Tough love is often used punitively when a parent is angry.
Decide what your boundaries are and communicate them to your child. Stay calm when discussing limits so your child will be less defensive and argumentative.
Your child may surprise you with how willing they are to cooperate when you include them in the conversation.
Clear boundaries set with love give your child the limits that will help motivate them to change. You are taking care of yourself, other family members, and your environment throughout the process.
Finally, be honest with yourself about how you will follow through. You want to feel comfortable and confident that your boundaries are doable.
Also, allowing your child to take responsibility for their actions will have more of an impact. You can talk to your child repeatedly, but it sometimes becomes white noise. Better to have them understand that their actions have a consequence.
Finally, treat your child as you’d like to be treated. Lead by example. If you want respect, treat your child with respect.
I hope that you feel relieved there are other options besides the tough love approach.
Being there for your child calmly and supportively can lead you all to a healthier path.
Access research-based resources to help you support your child in a kind, compassionate way, which can lead to change.
And consider getting access to my online course, Regain Your Hope, an online course that gives you an action plan to help your child. Know that your child can change. Love, Cathy
Consider checking out my book, The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Addiction.
Hey Bryon,
Congrats on your recovery and your insights on relapse. It sounds like what you are saying is that people get frustrated with some aspect of their life or their efforts to stay sober and just give in to the cravings. Feel free to write another comment and expand. Take care and thank you for stopping by!
Thank you, Bryon, for sharing your experience. I really liked reading that your information about your addiction healing “after 18 to 24 months my addiction healed – my brain healed – subsequently, the active P.A.W.S Post Acute withdrawal syndrome and all physical and emotional cravings stop completely.” I haven’t heard that before, so good to know that is the general time frame. Congrats on your long-term recovery and all that you are doing to help others. Thanks for stopping by.
See my replay today. I dont post any links because I not about to spam Cathy’s website.
There are a lot of articles and books with whole chapters, or even the whole book, dedicated to tough love and/or boundaries. It seems that over the years however, these two terms have begun to be used interchangeably or to describe the same two parts to your message in this article, boundaries and responsibilities/consequences. As there have been many that use the term tough love and also use very similar do’s and don’ts to execute this in their message as you do in yours. Some use both terms but describe tough love as the part used to actually execute the laid out consequences for crossing the predefined, reasonable, loving boundaries. As it can be very difficult to do this in the actual moment it’s needed. Ergo maybe the original use of the word “tough” in the term tough love. Maybe one could say that to not hold to them would be using “enabling” love, which in sympathy to those moments is much easier to do. As the message in this article, as right as it is, is very difficult to do in the moment. For either those that naturally lean toward a tough nature or a soft nature.
One thing I’m learning when speaking to others about this tool of “tough love” or “boundaries” is to first establish a common definition for the term so we’re on the same page and speaking the same language when they’re being used. Recently I needed to do this with a friend of mine as he didn’t understand what boundaries meant. I could see him getting frustrated as he said to me he had never used that term in his life and couldn’t understand it. However, as I knew him fairly well I knew he was a man of strong convictions and beliefs (words he would use) and would let people know, usually in a kind yet assertive way, when those were crossed or being questioned/compromised in disrespectful ways. I told him that he was basically letting people know where his boundaries were and would sometimes need to use tough, difficult, or firm acts of love to do so as he was keeping himself, and possibly others around him, safe.
I could see that if you and I were in a conversation about this topic we would need to do the same with the term tough love. Though acknowledging that we are both agreeing that messages and actions of love are what is needed to help these situations/relationships, and could probably go into even more details of what that looked like. I don’t define tough love as you are in this article. “…harsh and punitive…cruel treatment…and often when a parent is angry.” I would say that this is just plain toughness without love, or some other agreeable term to describe a very frustrated person’s defense mechanism to try and stop a very hurting behavior but just needs more understanding of other tools that’s more compassionate and kind yet not fully enabling. As I think we would both agree also doing nothing or enabling (as I would define, “to take the responsibility or blame, or make accommodations for the person’s harmful conduct) is also just as harmful in the long run as tough without the love is.
There is much for people to learn and read on this topic, not just for parenting but for all relationships. I would encourage anyone reading this article, especially if it’s your first one, to continue to study this topic. As it’s my strong belief that you will run into a need for this knowledge at some point in your life with someone you love directly or in support of another person or both. Thanks Cathy for adding a positive message of love to this topic and a need for us all to treat others as we want to be treated.
Hi Josh,
Thanks so much for your input. I agree that the term tough love needs a common definition. It does mean different things to different people. In general, though it seems that tough love where you turn your back on your struggling child or allow them to hit rock bottom is not helpful. Families need to be involved and it’s hard to do that if you have shut the door on your child. Helping someone change can be complicated, however, there are so many success stories, that it does give a person hope.
I agree 100% with Josh C We need to come to a better understanding of what we mean by tough love. Perhaps many years ago tough love meant turning your back on the addict and not being there for them. I don’t believe that is the case any longer. Tough love just means not enabling and allow the addict to experience natural consequences. Telling your child that they can no longer live at home if they are using, stealing, physically abusing, etc is setting a boundary. The tough love part is knowing you may have to ask your child to leave the house not knowing where they will go. That’s tough to do. It’s tough love. Anyone who thinks tough love means not being there for their loved one is describing. Am much older version of tough love. A parent or spouse wants to help and support the addicts recovery but not support their using.
This is very powerful information that I’ll be passing along to a family member who I just found out has a spouse with a substance abuse problem. Given our family background, tough love is what we grew up with so I know they’re struggling with “making it work” (it won’t work). Thank you so much for this Cathy!!!
There is never one answer, however, ‘tough love’ has been shown not to be so helpful and there are many things to try first. Staying close and keeping as positive a relationship as you can helps your chances that your loved one will change.
I’m not a fan of tough love myself. I feel all three of these methods are incredibly important in truly compassionate relationships.
Thanks, Sandra!
I never liked the thought of ‘tough love.’ But truthfully Cathy I can see how some people are driven to it for lack of any other methods that have worked. Yet it’s no surprise to hear that it’s been found not to work…so this article will be a great boon to those who are struggling to deal with loved ones and addiction.
As always I appreciate your enlightened approach Cathy.
These are such loving and compassionate ways to heal Cathy. Tough love hasnt been my thing since forever. Just ask my daughter 🙂 We settle everything with love games. Winner gets hugs and kisses time infinity and then some.
This is such an important article, Cathy. In my work with family members, I have found the concept in this quote from #1, “According to Dr. Lance Dodes, MD, ‘The first step in dealing with someone suffering from addiction is to understand for yourself how addiction works as a psychological symptom.’ Having this knowledge can help you avoid the extra pain of believing that a family member’s addiction means that person no longer cares about you, or is intentionally trying to hurt you.” especially helpful. Thanks for covering this topic.
Thanks for stopping by, Lisa. I agree that it is so important to understand how addiction works. Understanding is the first step to healing.
Cathy thank you for this direct concise and valuable discussion of a topic that’s been on my mind lately. Sometimes it’s challenging to balance an understanding, loving approach with the need to have healthy boundaries and allow your loved one to bear the consequences of their decisions. Some keys are to get feedback from people familiar with family addiction, implement a strategy, and monitor the results. Give yourself permission and the flexibility to change your mind. If they distance from you, remain engaged by letting them know you’re always there for them when they are ready to reach out.
Great suggestions, Patrick. I love the idea of flexibility to change your mind. The balance between compassion and setting boundaries can be challenging for any family member. Many parents love the idea that they can stay close and different situations call for different approaches. I appreciate you stopping by!
I appreciate all your support Cathy. Some of the comments above refer to confusion with defining tough love and I have to agree. We have always been supportive and loving to our son through his addition. Our son is currently in a recovery program after relapsing at his sober living program. He made the decision to go back to recovery on his own. We were not, however, willing to let him live here or to support him living somewhere else (paying his rent, for example). We are only supporting recovery. Is this tough love? We’ve tried other approaches (him living here, put him back in college), and therapy/IOP were always part of those approaches, and they did not work.
Thanks again for all you do and I love your email newsletters ❤️
One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to recovery or having your son live with you. I would incorporate positive reinforcement when you notice he is staying on his recovery path. Using your best judgement on what works for your family seems fine. I wouldn’t consider that tough love. Continuing to support his recovery will be helpful for the future.