4 Positive Ways to Talk to Your Child

What are some of the challenges you face when you try to talk to your child about their substance use?

What kind of response do you get?

How does the conversation usually go?

I remember talking to my children when they were struggling. Often, I wished I had a script to know what to say. Even though I wanted to get my message through, it often seemed like I was talking to deaf ears.

It is easy to get sucked into the negativity of your child’s situation. Yet, when talking to our struggling sons or daughters, our words can make a difference in the relationship. It can be the difference between whether or not they are willing to listen to us.

One conversation may not immediately change your child’s substance use habit. Yet, continued positive conversations can move our kids toward change.

The frustration you may be feeling can be overwhelming, but keeping your goals in mind can help you stay calm and centered.

When you talk to your son or daughter, you may find that it escalates into a lot of name-calling, telling your child off, or lecturing. Maybe you often cry and become emotional.

Many parents have found that these conversations usually don’t go well. They often don’t have the impact that you want.

Yet, as a parent, I’ve been there too.

You may want to stay calm, yet emotions can get away from us.

Even early recovery can be difficult. You are grateful for your child’s hard work, yet they are not as happy as you thought they might be.

Being a parent of a son or daughter with a substance use disorder is NOT easy!

So it makes sense to learn a few ways to have conversations that will be more productive or start you down that road. Everyone involved will benefit when you gain new skills about the best way to talk to your child.

Find a way to create a space where your child feels comfortable. You will get more information as your child will feel more willing to open up to you. 

You want your child to hear what you have to say. The situation will be even better if they take some action toward getting help. Hearing what you have to say is a productive first step.

The idea that there is nothing you can do to help your child change is wrong. The way you talk to your child can make a difference in how the conversation goes. When conversations go well, people hear each other.

The chances will be better that your child will start to consider what you are saying. That is something you, as a parent, can do.

I’ve seen positive turnarounds happen with parents who think about how and when they will talk to their son or daughter. They have found that their son or daughter will begin to respond. They are kinder to each other. Everyone feels better.

There are tools to help you talk to your child in a more positive way. You won’t use them all in every conversation. They may even feel awkward at first. It can be a game-changer when you approach your child’s substance use from a place of love where they know you are on their side.

According to the CRAFT approach, four strategies can help turn your conversations from confrontational to productive.

Talk to Your Child with Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions, which do not have a Yes or No answer, can be helpful. Closed questions may feel like an interrogation. It can also raise your child’s defenses. The idea here is that you want to open up the conversation to talk with your child. Start your question with words like How or What. It allows you to encourage discussion and learn more about how your child is doing. 

Some examples might be:

• Instead of saying, “Did you smoke last night?” say, “How did you manage your smoking last night?”
• Instead of saying, “Don’t you want to change?” say, “What would be different if you stopped drinking?”
• Instead of saying, “Did you think about trying…?” say, “What have you tried to do to feel better about this?”

The Information Sandwich

As a parent, it is easy to get into the lecture, confrontational or talking “at” our child mode when we are concerned about their negative behavior. The information sandwich helps your child be more willing to hear what you say. When you ask permission first, it is like knocking on your child’s door.

It allows your child to invite you into the conversation, which creates a mood shift. Asking first increases your child’s interest and involvement in the conversation. You increase the sense of working together to solve the problem. If they are not interested in your request to talk, do not plow forward. Wait and find a better time.

If your child is open to talking, BRIEFLY present your information and then check in to make sure the information makes sense.

I’ve had a couple of parents suggest that they shouldn’t have to ask permission to talk because they are paying for their child’s treatment or housing them. While I understand their point, the idea here is to create an atmosphere where you listen to each other and move forward. While it may seem counter-intuitive, keeping the goal in mind is essential.

You’ll have a better chance that your child will be interested in being sober or lessening their drug use if you can talk to your child in a positive way.

The steps to the information sandwich are:

• Ask your child if you can have a conversation.
• Briefly state your information or question.
• Check back to make sure that your statement makes sense to your child.

7 Elements of Positive Communication

You do not need to include all of these every time you talk to your child about their issue.  Yet, these are good tips to keep in mind.

1. Be Brief  [Keep it short and simple.] 

   Do you remember Charlie Brown’s teacher who talked on and on (wha, wha, wha)? I know my kids tuned me out on more than one occasion, and maybe yours have too. Get to the point as quickly as possible. When you say something once, it can be a suggestion. Continual repeating of the same information can feel like nagging. 

2. Be Positive  [Always look at the positive side of a situation.]

   While you may feel hard-pressed to find something positive to say when your child makes unhealthy choices look for opportunities in every situation. Think past the drug use to their positive qualities and focus on those as often as possible. Consider how you can turn a negative into a positive.

3. Be Specific and Clear [Concentrate on one topic.]

   When you are clear and concise, you have more of a chance of being heard. Be clear and focused on one area of concern instead of going on and on about several topics. Focus on the behavior you want to see changed. 

4. Label Your Feelings [I feel…  ] 

   It helps to label how you are feeling. I felt a bit frustrated the other day, and I just said to myself, “What I’m feeling is frustration.” By labeling my feeling, I recognized it, and the feeling quickly subsided. If you are labeling your feelings with your child, take it down a notch so you label more calm emotions.

5. Offer an Understanding Statement [I understand why …  ] 

   Share a time when you were young, and you felt the same way as your child. Sharing that you had similar feelings helps them feel more connected to you and lets your child know you have compassion for their feelings.

6. Accept Partial Responsibility  [I know that this is partly my fault because … ] 

   It can be a tough one for parents. Remember, you are not taking responsibility for your child’s drug use. You are just admitting that maybe life wasn’t always perfect for your child during their upbringing. No one’s life has been perfect, so rest assured, you are not alone.

7. Offer to Help [I’d like to …. ] 

   The simple words, “How can I help?” can make such a difference and show your support.

Avoid These Conversation Traps When You Talk to Your Child

Here are some traps I know I’ve fallen into, and maybe you have too.

The Information Trap: If only he knew the facts, he would see things differently and change.

The Lecture Trap: This is when you find yourself talking at your child about what they should do rather than talking with them.

The Labeling Trap: Labeling your child an addict or alcoholic is not helpful. They may resist change if they feel they are going to be labeled.

The Blaming Trap: When you look for someone to blame, it backs your child into a corner, and they will get defensive.

The Taking-Sides Trap: If you take one side of an issue, it sets your child up to take the other. Usually, that means they are defending their lifestyle. Strive to be on the same side to have a productive conversation. You can work together to develop different options that can help solve your child’s problem.

The Question-and-Answer Trap: Closed questions that have yes or no answers are not so helpful. Instead, start your questions with the words, What or How. Using the word ” Why ” can also bring up defensive responses. When you ask a question that opens a conversation, you will make more progress.

I hope you found these tips helpful. Using them the first few times may feel awkward. For more information, check out the 20 Minute Guide for Parents. You can find it here and here.

Many parents have found that the tips and strategies from the CRAFT approach are what finally got their child to want to change.

Here’s to positive conversations!

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