The following is a guest post from Patrick Meninga, creator of The Spiritual River.
It can be devastating to have to sit by helplessly and watch an addict or an alcoholic who is struggling in your life as they slowly self destruct.
While we cannot directly control another person and force them into recovery, there are some things that we can do that could lead to the following two benefits:
- Indirectly push the addict or alcoholic closer to surrender or willingness for treatment.
- Empower yourself to be less affected by the chaos that results from their addiction.
Most families are only considering the first benefit when they start to show concern for an addiction problem within their family. But the second benefit can be just as important, and it might even become a large part of what eventually pushes your loved one to get help.
How is that possible?
Because addiction is a family disease, and even though you do not have direct control over the addict or alcoholic in your life, their addiction, their choices, and their behavior IS affected by your reactions.
As a concerned family member, you only have control over one thing in this world:
Yourself.
You have control over your own actions and your reactions, and that is it.
So, in order to be most effective in combating an addiction in your family, you need to start with that central truth as your baseline. You can only control yourself, and your own actions and reactions.
So, with that baseline of knowledge in mind, what are some actions that YOU can take in order to combat an addiction within your family?
Here are some good suggestions. You might want to discuss these things as a family, without the addict or alcoholic involved (at least in the planning stages).
1. Get support for yourself at an Al-anon meeting. This is the number one suggestion for a reason. If you do nothing else, at least get yourself to an Al-anon meeting, and share your story openly and honestly with the people there. They can give pointed advice and give real-world support…..support that you cannot find anywhere else. Because they have “been there,” they know exactly what you are going through. And that can make a huge difference.
2. Stop enabling. This is an action that can indirectly lead a person to start seeking help or treatment eventually, because you are undermining their ability to continue using drugs and alcohol (in a healthy way). There are so many different forms of enabling that you would do well to talk the concept over with the people at an Al-anon meeting. You might ask the group: “I know I am enabling my family member in some way, and I want to stop. Can you all help me to identify exactly how I am enabling them?”
3. Set limits and boundaries. Eventually, once you understand exactly how you are enabling the addict or alcoholic in your life, you can take corrective action and stop doing so.
The main way to do this is to define what is acceptable behavior in your family, and what is NOT. Again, you might ask for help when defining these behaviors, such as from an Al-anon group.
The key is that you then communicate these new boundaries with the person, so that they understand that “the game has changed,” and that you are no longer going to be helping them to continue their life as-is.
4. Set your consequences. You stopped enabling and identified what behavior is not acceptable in your family. Now it is time to figure out what the consequences for those unacceptable behaviors are. Without consequences, you should not expect any changes to occur.
It is easy to go overboard and make ultimatums here that won’t necessarily end up working, so it makes sense to consult with others and seek advice when you are establishing your consequences.
5. Offer a solution for when they surrender. Without involving the addict or alcoholic, one thing you might do is some preliminary research with local addiction treatment centers in your area. Call them up and find out what the process is for getting some admitted. Try to see how the funding might work and if the addict in your life would qualify to check in there or not.
That way you have a solution ready when the family member finally surrenders and says “I am ready to get help.”
Up until this point of surrender, the basic idea is that you are no longer going to help the person with pretty much anything. However, you can communicate your new boundaries with them, and let them know that you will help them go to treatment when they become willing to attend.
Once YOU are getting the support and knowledge that you need, it is then that you become more effective in persuading them into surrender and taking real action.
The family must become strong in their stance of NOT enabling the person, and set down clear boundaries. Once that happens, it is only a matter of time until the family member reaches some sort of breaking point. It is then that they will either ask for help and surrender, or they will continue their struggle for control and dive deeper into their addiction (and away from the family).
We do not get to decide which one happens. All we can do is control our own actions, set healthy boundaries, and trust that our family member will find the right path some day.
Patrick Meninga writes on the Spiritual River website and has been working in a drug and alcohol treatment center for the last
5+ years. His website advocates an alternative approach to recovery based on creativity and goal achievement, and building self esteem.
What has helped with a family member’s addiction? Join the discussion and please leave a comment.
These are such important suggestions. Something else that can help family members is to understand the relatively new scientific understandings about addiction (alcoholism or drug addiction) as a brain disease, as well as the relatively new scientific understandings as to what chronic stress (like that one experiences when living with undiagnosed, untreated, un-discussed alcoholism or drug addiction) does to the brain. Sometimes “knowing” this can help one more fully accept that when something changes the way the brain works, it changes how we think and feel and what we say and do. It can also help us to be open to learning ways to heal/re-wire the brain (like Al-Anon, for example). Thanks for sharing this, Cathy, and I highly recommend Patrick’s blog — I’ve found great information there, as well.
Hi Patrick and (Cathy),
Although I haven’t taken a drop of alcohol my whole life I found this article really interesting.
I know a few people who have struggled with alcoholism in their lives and it’s hard to understand their perspective.
This article helped me get a better idea of how I can be a better friend or family member for those who face this problem. It’s hard to take on any challenge alone, and alcoholism is probably no different.
Bryce
@ Lisa – I definitely agree with your ideas! It does help to read and see all the new research coming out about how addiction actually changes the brain–physically. But I think there can be a danger in that too, especially for friends or family members who would really be better off moving on, rather than staying in an unhealthy relationship and continuing to enable someone.
For example, I had one friend in my recovery that I “stuck by” for far too long. Once I finally put up a boundary there, that is when that person drifted away from me….and eventually changed. Not just because of me and my boundary, of course….but because enough people in that person’s life put their foot down. It makes me wonder if someone like Nora Volkow (who is big on the brain stuff) would have trouble setting boundaries with addicts in her life, because she is so familiar with the “chemistry excuse.”
That said, it definitely helps to know that addiction actually has some physical underpinnings. It just gets tricky because so much of the solution is behavior (in my opinion) rather than chemistry-based or physically-based.
@ Bryce – I can complete relate….it is very hard to understand the alcoholic who is self destructing before your eyes. When I was young I myself was bewildered at how “stupid” the alcoholic was….and then I became one! Totally unfair, and I never even gave my permission to become alcoholic! But that is how we learn, I suppose. You are way ahead of the curve for getting knowledge out of a website like this. Kudos to you for that.
@ Patrick — I was scrolling through Cathy’s blog and saw your comment to my comment and just wanted to add something…
Using the new brain research to understand addiction as a chronic, often relapsing brain disease can help a family member or friend understand the importance of setting healthy boundaries — NOT going along with the same old behavior / communication / coping patterns. If they understand their loved one’s brain has been changed by the substance and that it will always be changed when the substance is ingested, they can let go of the notion that their loved one will somehow will behave differently if they just drink or use less. They will also better understand that if their loved one cannot control their brain (their behavior) if using or drinking, they (the family member or friend) certainly cannot, and thus the only thing the family member/friend can control is their own brain — their own reactions and behaviors; changing their own brains, thereby opening the door to setting healthy boundaries. Part of changing their brain is changing their behaviors (i.e., stopping the nagging or denial or deal-making), which is where your suggestions come into play. Thanks, again, Patrick, for all of your work to help others.
One more suggestion, don’t treat the addict like they are stupid or don’t know what they’re doing. Don’t over dramatise the problem. Most importantly look for reasons for the addiction and give support to the addict as they either give up the addiction of slowly withdraw.
This says it all:
you are no longer going to help the person with pretty much anything
It’s a very difficult thing to do and that’s why I think blogs like Cathy’s are so important. Priceless advice and wisdom.
@ Mike – Absolutely agree….most addicts and alcoholics are of average or even slightly above average intelligence (or so I have been told!). But yeah it can be very difficult not to be overly dramatic if family or friends is close to the addict and they are near the point of complete self destruction. Easy to say, but very hard for a concerned family member to actually do. My heart goes out to many who have to watch people self destruct….
@ Tess – Yes, a “hands off” approach is what is necessary, from what I have learned. Offer to help them with treatment or rehab, and little else. Leave no room for manipulation.
Interestingly, I didn’t see meditation on this list. I think your first and perhaps MOST important tool if you are struggling with anything where enmeshment is easy to fall into is meditation. Why? It helps you find your center, so you quickly know when someone else has invaded your center in some unwelcome way. When you realize this, you can set proper boundaries and consequences without feeling bad, because you will know it is right for you.
@ Joe Bill – Meditation is right on the money, Joe! I came to find this technique myself through exercise. Running 6 mile runs out in the country with no cell phone or music or anything, that is what became my meditation. And I really notice when I miss it, if I don’t get a chance to run.
It took me a few years to realize that I was meditating when I ran like this. That my hour long jog every day was actually a mental release, an emotional release of sorts.
I would agree, if you have chaos in your life, and if your relationships are crazy and someone you love is trapped in the turmoil of addiction, you NEED that release, you need that time to mentally reorganize, to get “centered,” to find at least some mental peace.
I learned how to do that while running. I don’t just run for twenty minutes. I always run 6 miles, never anything less. So it is long enough for the brain to cycle through the normal stuff, (“what do I need to get for groceries tonight? etc.) and then what you are left with during the rest of the long run is your meditation…..you take in the scenery, you just run, you let your feet hit the open road, and you let your brain rest for a while…..emotionally.
So I absolutely agree that meditation is important. It allows people to find the “calm among the storm” that is their life. Like you said, once you get “right with yourself” through meditation, you can then be stronger in your decisions when you have to deal with addictive relationships in your life.
One concern with this technique though is that the barrier to entry is rather high. Meditation costs nothing, anyone can do it, very little training is required, just sit, be still…..but it is so intimidating to people if they have no experience with it. So it is tough to convince people to give it a fair shake if they have never really benefited from meditation in their past. That is just what I have found. It almost seems like meditation is something that people have to discover on their own, rather than be “sold on it.”
A very powerful technique, to be sure…..but I would almost refer to it as “an advanced technique” for dealing with an addict or alcoholic in your life (simply because most people will not do it!).
Great job here Cathy and Patrick. I know because I have had to deal with alcoholics. My father was one and I have a sister that is.
My father finial quite, when my mother told him that either he quite the drinking or moved out of the house. She did stop enabling him. As for my sister, she has an verbally abusive husband and I have had to just walk away from her, because her husband likes her drinking, so he can control her. And she doesn’t live close to me.
Drug and alcohol can really affect a family in many ways. Children that grow up with it in there home also have to realize that it does affect their adult life if they don’t learn to sort through the affects of it.
I was always one that wondered what I could do that would help my father stop. And when he drank he always wanted to argue and my mother would teach us not to argue with him, because if you did he would get mad and leave the house. As a adult I was always scared to stick up for myself when it came to a man, because I though they would leave if I do.
Thank you for the great tips of drug and alcohol addicting they are very much needed.
Blessing to you both,
Debbie
@ Debbie – Sounds like you went through some rough times in your life due to family drinking. And you are right, the kids that have to grow up through this stuff either find a way to cope, or they risk becoming alcoholic themselves. Tragic cycle, I am glad that you have such keen awareness of your history and how it has affected you.
Wonderful message of self-empowerment and accountability, Cathy & Patrick. Indeed it is not our job to fix or change anyone. There is a big difference between showing up as strength, love and compassion and showing up as fretting, fussing and insisting. The most powerful position to take is to simply learn to be 100% accountable for our own lives. When we are feeling confidence and have an attitude of strength and support, we show up for our loved ones as solid as a mountain.
@ Rob White – Absolutely. You make it sound easy! I agree that when we take care of ourselves first and foremost, we set the example for the addict or alcoholic in our lives. Then it is up to them if they are going to learn from that example or not. We do what we can. Well put. That is an ideal that I strive for in my own life….
Hi,
As a heavy drinker before, I cam understand how difficult it was for my family to cope with my drinking habits. Yet it was when my wife presented me with an extremely painful end scenario that I truly woke up and quit drinking. When she described a scene in the future whereby our children fared terribly in life because of my drinking, I just could not let that happen. It was either I help them through a good life or not. It was that simple. So for those seeking to help members in the family that is alcoholic, one of the best way is to cause extreme pain for the victim to see.
Hi Cathy and Patrick,
Addiction is such a powerful and controlling force for the addict and it is equally difficult for the loved ones who are closest to the addicts.
Your post outlined some great strategies for dealing with and handling the addict.
@ Jimmy – Glad that you were able to quit drinking for yourself and for your family. I know that working in a rehab center, many alcoholics cannot stop in time, and they lose their family. Good for you for stopping in time.
@ Justin – I am learning the truth that you are talking about it….that it is just as hard for the loved ones as it is for the addict. It has taken me many years in recovery and being “on the other side of the fence” to slowly learn this hard fact…..
Hi Cathy & Patrick,
Wonderful advice & encouragement for those in need. Keep up the great work.
be good to yourselves
david
Hi Cathy & Patrick,
This was an extremely informative post. I’m lucky not to have any addicts of any kind in the family. I can’t imagine having to deal with any of this.
I do understand the concepts of co-dependency and enabling though. That is a family dynamic I can relate to. I think living with a hypochondriac can be likened to living with an addict. In some ways it can be harder since the hypochondriac isn’t as easily diagnosed as an alcoholic or drug addict. They rule, control and manipulate with their illnesses. I guess you could say they’re addicted to being ill.
Excellent article, Patrick. From my experience as the “alcoholic” and the one on “the other side of the fence” all 5 actions steps are crucial. The steps may sound simple, but I have to say that (also from my experience) they take a high degree of focus, insight and honesty with oneself. I propose that the degree to which the action steps are handled can have miraculous results.
Thanks Patrick.
@ David – Thanks for reading and take care!
@ Angela – Absolutely…..dealing with a disorder like that can certainly be similar to addiction, and in some ways it is exactly the same. You are still powerless over their behavior, and in that way it is identical. They hold the solution, not you. They have to want to change, not you. In so many ways it is the exact same problem. Kudos to you for seeing the similarities.
@ Marianne – Yes…..simple steps, hard to do. Simple but not easy. The more thorough we are, the more amazing the results we get. It does take effort though, which is what scares so many people off I think. You have obviously forged your own path….blessings to you for that! Thank you.
Do these suggestions apply to minor children in the same way as adults? It is VERY scary to not know which way your child will choose…. and if your consequences end up pushing them deeper into their addictions, they stray farther from you and the family. My 16 year old is addicted to weed and smokes multiple times daily. His school life is spiraling – failing, skipping, etc. It’s really hard to know where to draw the line. Thanks for the article though…. it was great food for thought and validated some of the principles that my husband and I have been operating from.
Hi Maggie,
Many of the suggestions do apply to minor children, but of course you need to use common sense and your best judgement. Smoking weed at an early age is one of the indicators of addiction down the road. The brain is still developing until the age of 25 and his substance abuse is harmful to him now and can lead him to addiction. I would seek outside help from an addition counselor, set boundaries and expectations for your son and follow through. Personally, from my experience I would not allow any 16 year to habitually smoke weed. I would take a hard look at his school environment, his friends, etc., and make some changes if you feel that he is becoming more and more out of control. Lock up your alcohol and prescription drug medicines, and make your son’s drug use your number one priority. His well being depends on it.
Hello Patrick and Cathy!
This was a lovely post. It seems like we all have had someone whom we care about take the path of addiction; I know I have and it is very unpleasant to witness. Something that I found useful was writing down feelings that I was having. Sometimes, I felt like no one would understand, but I had my journal to take refuge in. Eventually, I got through the hard times and am happy to say that my very close friend is sober and has a new baby.
I thank you for this article and for taking your time to help out addicts; it means a lot.
Hi Danielle,
Writing has been helpful to me. I’m so glad that it has worked for you as well. We are able to access our inner feelings through writing and prevent them from being bottled up inside. I write three pages a day most mornings and it has really changed my life. I feel more relaxed, peaceful and less stressed. I would highly recommend writing.
I’m so glad to hear that your close friend found recovery and that she is moving on with her life.
Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. Take care.
When I learned my loved one was struggling with opioid addiction I was grateful for the support I found at Al Anon. The people I met there were 100% nonjudgmental and definitely knew my pain. Wonderful people and I love them all. It was what I needed at the time. Nevertheless, because of the high level of risk that comes with opioid abuse, I didn’t feel safe to let my loved one live out in freezing temperatures, or go deeper and deeper into self-loathing, or to be alone while using drugs often laced with fentanyl. I felt too uncertain taking advice derived from personal accounts rather than facts and research.
Patrick, I think your five actions are important, but the how seems vague. Typically, I don’t have a problem communicating boundaries, but when someone is compelled to inject poison into their veins despite negative consequences, things are not typical. Often times, my loved one was wonderfully cooperative and then behavior suddenly became erratic. What was acceptable behavior? Should the consequences be all or none? Was a little give-and-take more likely to get me closer to the results I hoped for? If I drove my loved one away, I would have NO influence. And waiting for a person who wasn’t thinking clearly to “want” recovery felt hopeless.
Then I heard about SMART Recovery http://www.smartrecovery.org, which is a free self-empowering mutual aid program that is evidence based and solution oriented. SMART Recovery meetings are world wide and online. The SMART Recovery Family & Friends program teaches CRAFT, or Community Reinforcement and Family Training. CRAFT offers practical skills for self-care, positive communication, positive reinforcement and an appreciation for (safe to allow) natural consequences. This compassionate approach takes time, but data shows it has the best outcome for getting your loved one to accept treatment. It’s true we can’t change anyone, but we CAN influence his or her perspective. Learning how to respond in more helpful ways makes substance misuse less attractive and sobriety more appealing. For our family, it was all about cultivating a renewed self-respect.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Anne. I believe as well that “we can’t change anyone, but we can influence his or her perspective.” I’m so glad that you found SMART recovery. I like their approach and it gives parents a way to be positive support for their children. Al-Anon can be helpful as well. The key for me was to be aware of all the resources available and to use what worked for my family, somewhat of a patchwork approach.