The following is a guest post from Patrick Meninga, creator of The Spiritual River.
It can be devastating to have to sit by helplessly and watch an addict or an alcoholic who is struggling in your life as they slowly self destruct.
While we cannot directly control another person and force them into recovery, there are some things that we can do that could lead to the following two benefits:
- Indirectly push the addict or alcoholic closer to surrender or willingness for treatment.
- Empower yourself to be less affected by the chaos that results from their addiction.
Most families are only considering the first benefit when they start to show concern for an addiction problem within their family. But the second benefit can be just as important, and it might even become a large part of what eventually pushes your loved one to get help.
How is that possible?
Because addiction is a family disease, and even though you do not have direct control over the addict or alcoholic in your life, their addiction, their choices, and their behavior IS affected by your reactions.
As a concerned family member, you only have control over one thing in this world:
Yourself.
You have control over your own actions and your reactions, and that is it.
So, in order to be most effective in combating an addiction in your family, you need to start with that central truth as your baseline. You can only control yourself, and your own actions and reactions.
So, with that baseline of knowledge in mind, what are some actions that YOU can take in order to combat an addiction within your family?
Here are some good suggestions. You might want to discuss these things as a family, without the addict or alcoholic involved (at least in the planning stages).
1. Get support for yourself at an Al-anon meeting. This is the number one suggestion for a reason. If you do nothing else, at least get yourself to an Al-anon meeting, and share your story openly and honestly with the people there. They can give pointed advice and give real-world support…..support that you cannot find anywhere else. Because they have “been there,” they know exactly what you are going through. And that can make a huge difference.
2. Stop enabling. This is an action that can indirectly lead a person to start seeking help or treatment eventually, because you are undermining their ability to continue using drugs and alcohol (in a healthy way). There are so many different forms of enabling that you would do well to talk the concept over with the people at an Al-anon meeting. You might ask the group: “I know I am enabling my family member in some way, and I want to stop. Can you all help me to identify exactly how I am enabling them?”
3. Set limits and boundaries. Eventually, once you understand exactly how you are enabling the addict or alcoholic in your life, you can take corrective action and stop doing so.
The main way to do this is to define what is acceptable behavior in your family, and what is NOT. Again, you might ask for help when defining these behaviors, such as from an Al-anon group.
The key is that you then communicate these new boundaries with the person, so that they understand that “the game has changed,” and that you are no longer going to be helping them to continue their life as-is.
4. Set your consequences. You stopped enabling and identified what behavior is not acceptable in your family. Now it is time to figure out what the consequences for those unacceptable behaviors are. Without consequences, you should not expect any changes to occur.
It is easy to go overboard and make ultimatums here that won’t necessarily end up working, so it makes sense to consult with others and seek advice when you are establishing your consequences.
5. Offer a solution for when they surrender. Without involving the addict or alcoholic, one thing you might do is some preliminary research with local addiction treatment centers in your area. Call them up and find out what the process is for getting some admitted. Try to see how the funding might work and if the addict in your life would qualify to check in there or not.
That way you have a solution ready when the family member finally surrenders and says “I am ready to get help.”
Up until this point of surrender, the basic idea is that you are no longer going to help the person with pretty much anything. However, you can communicate your new boundaries with them, and let them know that you will help them go to treatment when they become willing to attend.
Once YOU are getting the support and knowledge that you need, it is then that you become more effective in persuading them into surrender and taking real action.
The family must become strong in their stance of NOT enabling the person, and set down clear boundaries. Once that happens, it is only a matter of time until the family member reaches some sort of breaking point. It is then that they will either ask for help and surrender, or they will continue their struggle for control and dive deeper into their addiction (and away from the family).
We do not get to decide which one happens. All we can do is control our own actions, set healthy boundaries, and trust that our family member will find the right path some day.
Patrick Meninga writes on the Spiritual River website and has been working in a drug and alcohol treatment center for the last
5+ years. His website advocates an alternative approach to recovery based on creativity and goal achievement, and building self esteem.
What has helped with a family member’s addiction? Join the discussion and please leave a comment.
