Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. ~ Unknown
Do you find yourself worried 24/7?
Fear can be especially frightening when your son or daughter is struggling with addiction. I remember how scared I was, especially since I wasn’t sure what to do.
Fear is usually just below the surface for many parents.
At the same time, deep down, your son or daughter knows that it’s necessary to change, but there’s something holding them back. They have a fear of their own, and it is more powerful than reason.
Yet, we can all get a better handle on our fears.
Here are six ways to keep going when your doubts and fears are holding you back.
Return from the future
Most fear comes from worrying about the future. It’s only natural to be afraid of losing your child. Yet, studies show that when you focus the whole person, rather than just the addiction, your chances will be better that your child will recover.
Do your best to manage your life through your strength and courage, not through your fear. Don’t let fear become a power greater than yourself. Your anxieties and worries do not have to run your life.
When you live in the present moment, you will be taking positive steps towards conquering your fear. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, focus on today.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. ~ Susan Jeffers
Embrace your fears
We often think of fear as a negative state that you can avoid. Yet, you can become better friends with fear.
Fear is a conditioned response at the most basic level unless there is a real threat of being attacked, for instance. Allow fear to rise up in you. Observe the corresponding thoughts and feelings objectively. Let them happen, and they will begin to subside.
Something that helps is to allow yourself a limited amount of time each day to think about what is worrying you most and then set it aside. Do your best to then focus on other people in your life or other tasks in front of you.
You can acknowledge how you are feeling, but don’t let your worries hold you back from living your life and taking action when needed. When you make friends with your fear, you will always know that the bad times will pass, and great things lie just over the horizon.
“Fear is a powerful beast. But we can learn to ride it.” ~ Justine Musk
Remove the beast
If you feel that there are many fears rolled into one, it can be hard to overcome. When you imagine the situation as one whole big thing, it can be terrifying. You may become too paralyzed to act.
It is more prudent to break your fears down into small manageable pieces to deal with them at a time, step by step.
One woman was told to think of fear as a giant monster. You hit it one body part at a time – first his legs, then his arms. She tried it and was surprised by how much it helped. Instead of thinking about the whole situation, focus on the fact that you can take on one part at a time!
The beautiful thing about fear is that when you run to it, it runs away. ~ Robin Sharma
Have love, care, and respect for yourself
When we experience fear, confusion, and anger, we are continuing old habits that are no longer working. It helps to learn new ways to respond that are more effective for others as well as yourself.
Give yourself a break. Acknowledge that you are having a hard time. Do things for yourself that will help you feel better.
Writing down your fears can help get them out of your head. When you put words to how you are feeling, it can also lower your stress level.
Change is inevitable. Learn to be more comfortable with it. Listen to your inner voice. It will guide you through the different phases of growth that you are experiencing.
Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free. ~ Robert Tew
Fear is not a sign that you are a coward or weak
Very often, when we experience fear, we think of ourselves as weak, small, and helpless. Yet, people experiencing fear are some of the bravest people I know.
Let go of reacting to fear by withdrawing, hiding, procrastinating, running away, or putting yourself down. Instead, think of it as a form of feedback or a signal that some action is needed on your part. Make a decision, and then take action.
Fear is an opportunity to muster the strength that we need.
Close Pandora’s box when your mind is going to all the dark places. Pay attention to what is happening and how you are feeling. It will help you stop the what-ifs and should-haves.
Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing. ~ Unknown
You are not alone with your fear
When you are worried about your child, your fear may cause you to isolate. Substance use can make you embarrassed and afraid, not only for your child but for what others will think. You convince yourself that no one else has experienced a drug or alcohol issue with their child.
Don’t allow yourself to become so wrapped up in the power of fear that you forget others have had similar experiences. You are not the first, nor will you be the last parent to be concerned about your child.
When you hold on too tightly and allow the fear and shame to overpower you, you will be are unable to get the help that you need, which only further feeds your fear.
But you are not alone. There are many other family members walking the same path alongside you.
Find your reserve of courage to help you take tiny steps forward.
It’s a process. The key is to work at it each day and not let fear overtake you.
What ways have you found to conquer your fear? Leave your thoughts in comments.
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Unfortunately, due to personal experience and also reading the heartbreaking experiences I have seen posted on your Facebook group, I completely disagree with this statement: “And yet, while we know that there are negative outcomes with substance use, most of the things that we worry about will never come to pass.”
Overdosing — almost DYING — never comes to pass? A never-ending cycle of inpatient rehab admissions? Death? These fears DO come to pass for far too many, many people. I understand your post is meant to be supportive, but readers also need to have their fears validated.
It would be helpful to be given “tools”… guidelines of some sort, for those things that we should be able to have SOME control over — such as finding a quality, affordable rehab for our loved one. There are so many rehabs… but even when one has good insurance, most of the rehabs are sorely lacking. I am also writing from the point of view of someone who formerly worked in a decent rehab many years ago (no longer in existence). I also know people working in various positions in other rehabs in the US … some at good rehabs, some at locations where patients have died. Unfortunately, the good rehabs I have found are not in our insurance’s network and very, very expensive if paid out-of-pocket.
Thank you for your comment, TDS. There are many families who sadly have lost their children or other loved ones because of addiction. So looking at that statement again, I agree that it’s too general and not taking into account the heartache that many families go through. I’ll make some changes so that the statement is more fitting to the situation.
The rehab situation is a tough one. There are many good ones, yet many are lacking. I find it difficult to suggest a rehab unless I’ve had personal experience because the counselors and owners can change. So I suggest either getting a professional to help you, or asking friends and family who have had good experiences. I do like research-based programs that adapt to what the person needs rather than having everyone fit into a certain program. It is difficult for families to find the right treatment program. Inside Rehab is a good book on the topic and also, the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids has a pdf with questions to ask treatment programs.
Thank you for your very gracious reply, Cathy. We are struggling with finding the right “fit” for our adult child and his condition(s). Your description of a “adapt to what the person needs” model that research-based programs utilize sounds very much like what we have been looking for. I will definitely explore what options are available and also check out the resources you listed. Thank you!
You are welcome and I hope you find what you are looking for. All the best!
These are all great ways to cope with fear and anxiety. I know of a man who would wake up in the middle of the night with high levels of anxiety. To help him sleep, he told himself that his allotted worry time was 3pm the next day. He didn’t shut out the voice in his head but told it to come back later. Usually, he was too busy thinking or doing something else at 3pm to remember to worry.
I’ve found that facing fears with action changes my state from disempowered to empowered. Instead of worrying about or dwelling on the way things are and what I can’t control, I express my acceptance of the situation so I can move forward and take action by saying to myself, “It is what it is. Now what am I going to do about it?” This gets my subconscious busy coming up with productive actions I can take instead of getting mired in what I can’t control.
I like your process, Paige of accepting the situation and asking yourself what you are going to do about it. That is much more productive than the endless loop of worry. Thanks for your input!
I like the way you’ve dealt with fear in your article Cathy. As a child I was beset with fears before going to sleep and I found a way, which today, I know as a form of creative vizualization. Back then I’d never heard of such a thing!
It wasn’t until I was much much older that I could put a name to it.
I would simply see myself somewhere where I was safe and happy – often an English meadow filled with flowers, lol. But in that safe place I would fall asleep.
That is lovely, Elle. I can see how that would help you to feel safe. Visualizations like that can be helpful in many different ways. Thanks for stopping by!
Fear can be so limiting. Anxiety is the biggest mental health condition in the US. Like you say, it is within our power to control and de-escalate. That power lies within our minds. I like your suggestion to think of it as a giant monster and break it down into body parts.