Do you want to let go of your family’s struggles with addiction?
Are you conflicted about what you should and shouldn’t do?
Your family has changed.
You are now struggling with your child’s substance use.
And yet, how do you know when it is time to let go? Is there ever a good time?
Letting go or non-attachment is embracing the experience but not allowing it to affect you totally.
I don’t often talk about letting go. It’s not the first thing you want to do when you first discover addiction has entered your family.
From “Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening” by Robert MyersPh.D. and Brenda Wolfe Ph.D., “The goals are (1) to improve the quality of your life and (2) to make sobriety more attractive to your loved one than drinking.”
Clearly, when your child is under 18, it is more challenging to let go. You are responsible for your child’s well being. If they have ongoing difficulties in life, you need to make sure they receive the help they need.
As your child becomes an adult, they have the ultimate responsibility for how they want to live their life. It becomes easier to let go a little at a time.
You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer. ~ Byron Katie
There are many things that you can do first, such as:
- Take care of yourself by seeing a coach, counselor, or attending a support group meeting.
- Seeking help for your child from a doctor, a therapist, or an inpatient or outpatient treatment program. Wait for an opportune time to suggest treatment options.
- Refrain from allowing the addiction to take over your life.
- Continue to stay emotionally close to your child and let them know that you support their recovery.
- Allow your child to accept responsibility for their choices and experience the consequences of their substance abuse.
- Continue to enjoy your life and not feel guilty about the addiction.
- Take notice and communicate to your child how proud you are when they take positive steps towards healing.
- Before you decide to let go, decide if you have done all you can to help your child find their way to recovery.
Here are 7 reasons why it may be time to take a break for a while.
- The emotional pain is getting you down. You deserve to have a happy life. If you feel that the continued pain is getting you down, take a break and let go of being attached to your child’s issues. Seek help for yourself and focus on the positive things in your life.
- Your efforts do not seem to be working. You have offered treatment and received help for yourself, yet your child continues to abuse drugs and alcohol; it may be time to step back for a while from being so caught up in the situation’s drama.
- Other family members are being neglected. Sometimes you can get so caught up in your child’s issues that you neglect other family members. Your other children, spouse, or partner deserve your attention so that their lives can be happy and fulfilled.
- You spend too much time thinking about the past. When you continue to replay the past and how things could have been different, you lose sight of what is happening in the present moment. Let go of the past and live for today.
- Your fears about the future have taken over your life. When things go smoothly, you can breathe a sigh of relief, but your fears may begin to take over when there is uncertainty. With the roller coaster ride of addiction, this may become a cycle that you can’t seem to break. Do what you can to help yourself, and realize that this may be the time to let go.
- You cannot separate yourself from your child’s issues. Sometimes parents find themselves so wrapped up in their child’s issues that they cannot separate from their situation. You may feel emotionally addicted to their situation. That is a sign that is time to let go and let your child take responsibility for their choices.
- Your child is not willing to seek recovery. Your child may have tried several treatment options, yet they continue to relapse and are unwilling to continue treatment. Remind them that you are there for them when they are ready to seek recovery, but do what you can to pull back from being attached to the situation.
The one thing you should do is continue to have hope. When things may seem hopeless, a change of events may occur, and things change for the better.
In the meantime, take care of yourself.
You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. ~ Jim Rohn
When did you feel it was time to let go? What did you do before letting go to help your child find recovery?
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Great post, Cathy. I loved your explanation of letting go, “Letting go or non-attachment is embracing the experience, but not allowing it to totally affect you.” I’ve never thought of it that way – sure makes the concept easier to embrace. I love your 7 reasons – when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so difficult to know which way or when to move or what to try next. These are sure to help.
Thanks Lisa. Letting go can be challenging and especially painful for parents.
It is also hard to know when is the time to let go. Definitely letting go is not the first thing you want to do, but there may come a time when you need to let go of being so attached to your child’s issues.
I think it is very important to not get stuck in the past surrounding these issues. IT can be easy to blame yourself and it doesn’t help the situation at all.
I also think it is important to not be codependent. That can just prolong the situation and allow for manipulation to happen.
Hi Sebastian,
I agree with your points. It is important to be able to step back and see the situation in as objective view as possible. That helps to make better decisions. Take care!
This is sooo powerful and the kick-off with Byron Katie’s quote is awesome. One word when we let go in these situations: Powerful!
Hi Tess,
I agree that we regain our power when we let go of being attached to the outcome. It is a process, but so worth it. Take care!
Yes, I can imagine that having a parent who is actually capable of enjoying their own life, rather than making their life an exercise in sacrificing for, or working to change, the child, could set a good example for a kid and make their home a more livable place.
Hi Chris,
So true. Certainly we need to support our kids, but to feel guilty about having fun or to devout your every waking moment to the addiction does not help anyone. Take care and thanks for stopping by!
So true Cathy, fun is an integral part of feeling fulfilled and is healing for our heart and soul. Having a parent who nourishes themselves must also be a wonderful role model for our kids. Great stuff as always.
xoxo
Elle
So true, Elle. The more parents take care of themselves in all situations, the better. It is good role modeling for the kids and helps with long term recovery. Take care, xoxo!
I can’t imagine being a parent who sees her child struggling with an addiction and have often thought of how much my mom must’ve suffered during my time with my eating disorder. However, as you’ve said, if you’re child is not ready to receive treatment, it’s important to also focus on yourself and nurture other relationships. It’s hard though to actually do it and have the peace of mind to focus on other things.
It is a challenge for a parent to watch their child continue with self destructing habits. I’ve been through it, as have so many other moms. Positive reinforcement helps, but taking care of yourself is important as you are not a help to your child if your personal resources are depleted. It’s the idea of putting the oxygen mask on first. I’m sure your mom is so proud of all that you have accomplished, Anne-Sophie!
Cathy,
Great post for parents! These tips work in many situations, not just parents of addicts. Thanks for posting and helping so many people. Just love this quote: You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. ~ Jim Rohn
xoxo
Betsy
Hi Betsy,
Glad you like the quote – it seemed perfect for this article. I agree that these ideas are helpful in many different situations, not just addiction. Sometimes parents do need to just step back for a period of time. It is helpful to all concerned. Take care.
I commend anyone who is willing to take on the task of helping families that are dealing with these types of situations. I was taking classes at the College of Biblical Studies in Houston, TX to become a counselor. It is a tough but necessary job.
-John
Welcome John! Great way to put it – a tough, but necessary job. I would add that it is rewarding as well. The more we can help families dealing with these issues, the better. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Hi Cathy, so true about not giving up hope, and so important to emphasize. So often parents are left feeling helpless and alone. Thanks for that reminder! Keep up your great work. Parents need you!
Thank you Becky! I don’t think we can give that reminder enough. Parents do need to keep hearing it, especially when they are in the midst of chaos and confusion. I appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment, my friend!
Great post ! I guess it is really important to let go of things that are sometimes beyond our control. Thanks for sharing.
I agree that there is a time to take a break and let go. Do not let your child’s addiction get the best of you and overpower your every being. There is only so much one can do.
I understand and believe in all points, but it is very hard to let go when my adult son keeps making bad decisions which ultimately effect our finances. We continue to get ambushed by his neglect and inability to do what he says he’s going to do. We want to support him in the good things he’s doing with his life but many times the bad decisions continue in his life.