Are you looking for ideas as you support your child on their addiction journey?
Would some light on the path be beneficial along the way?
I remember when I was concerned about my kids. I had not experienced substance use in my family before, and I needed guidance and support.
Luckily I came across some ideas and strategies that I found to be powerful. They have worked for so many families; I wanted to shine a little light on your path to healing.
1. Self-Care
Self-care is job #1 when your child is struggling with substance use. Taking care of yourself first is vital to helping your child and your family.
When you prioritize self-care, your health will suffer less from the stress. The relationships with other family members will stay friendly and warm. You won’t go into panic mode so often. You’ll be better able to sleep, eat well, exercise, see friends, and have fun.
My child’s substance use threw me into a new life I never expected. You may feel the same way.
Here are some new habits that helped me cope:
- Exercise – Taking a daily walk. It will make your world seem like a calmer place.
- Writing – You’ll have pent-up emotions. It’s a release to write down your feelings. It’s a way to find some answers that make sense.
- Yoga – Doing yoga teaches us how to rely on ourselves. It heals our minds and strengthens our bodies.
- Meditation – Sit quietly. Let all other distractions go. Even one minute of simple breathing will help you to relax.
I know you have the inner strength to get through this. While on this addiction journey with your child, keep your cup full. You’ll be the best version of yourself even when times get tough.
2. Moving Through Shame
As a shame researcher, I know that the very best thing to do amid a shame attack is counterintuitive: Practice courage and reach out! ~ Brené Brown
Shame plays a significant role when it comes to addiction. Addiction and shame go hand in hand. It is hard to understand where one starts and the other ends. Addiction leaves us feeling powerless, isolated, and unworthy when our kids struggle with substances. There is a strong sense of secrecy and silence around addiction. You may feel like your child is using drugs because you were not a good parent. This could not be further from the truth. Most parents do their best to raise their children in a loving home.
Here are four ways to help yourself:
- Find Courage – There is no more powerful relationship than the one that exists between fear and shame. Having courage can break down that barrier.
- Connection – We heal through our relationships with others walking the same path.
- Compassion – Start with self-compassion. Accept your story with all its flaws.
- Empathy – Be willing to listen to your child’s point of view with care and love.
To read the full article on my blog, click here.
3. What’s with the Lights?
As we’re driving and see the red light, we stop. When it turns green, we go. This same concept can work when talking with your child. Say you are having a conversation with your child. He answers your questions. He offers up information. The conversation feels positive. You have the green light to continue.
Other times, your child may get defensive. He may start yelling or tell you to stop nagging him. You may notice he is not responding to your questions. He may ask you to stop bringing “that subject” up again. He may even be defending his substance use. If he does, this is a red light. Stop the conversation.
Wait for a better time. When you do, you have less chance of saying something you regret later. You don’t want your anger to push you away from each other. There will be other opportunities. Hold off until you are both in a better frame of mind.
For more positive communication tips, read my interview with Dr. Robert Meyers.
4. The Detachment Detour.
Have you been told to “detach with love?” You may have also been told to let go, use tough love, or let your child hit rock bottom. If you are tired of the chaos, letting go of your child may sound appealing.
If you’re frustrated and angry and decide to detach from your child, you’ll also be scared as you wonder what is happening. Your child will be out of reach. Letting go may create sleepless nights, wondering if they are safe. When you detach, your child is on his own. You lose the opportunity to help. It’s not always possible, but staying close opens the door to new possibilities.
For more information, see my article, Why I chose NOT to detach with love.
5. Listen to Find Your Way
You feel conflicted about your child’s substance use. You start yelling. Or you become aggressive or defensive. It’s easy to make a mistake.
Do you know what helps when relationships become strained? Listening.
Motivational interviewing uses four strategies:
- Open-ended questions
- Affirmations
- Reflections or active listening
- Summarizing
Open-ended questions do not have one-word answers. Use words like “What” or “How.”
Some examples could be:
- What would you like to be different?
- How are you managing your drinking (or marijuana use)?
- What do you think needs to change?
The goal of your questions should be inviting your child to share information and being open to listening.
6. Notice what your child is doing well: Affirmations
Did you notice what your child did wrong today? Hard to miss. Through your frustration and anger, you may have a hard time seeing if he is doing anything right.
It can help to take a moment to notice what your child is doing right. Acknowledge his actions. It can change the conversation. It can promote healing. Defensiveness is reduced when you notice your child’s strengths. They are still there! They are just a little harder to see right now.
Here are some tips from the Center for Motivation and Change:
- Acknowledge effort: “I can see you are trying hard.”
- State your appreciation: “I appreciate your openness and honesty today.”
- Catch your child doing something right: “Thanks for helping your brother.”
- Give a compliment: “I like the way you said that. You are good with people.”
- Express hope, caring, or support: “I hope this weekend goes well for you.”
Your efforts to notice and acknowledge your child can begin the healing process.
Read my interview with Dr. Jeff Foote, Director of the Center for Motivation and Change, to learn more.
7. Using Reflections or Active Listening
Have you ever been to therapy where you’ve been told to restate the other person’s words? It may have felt awkward at the time. Yet, this is a technique that you can use with your child. They will feel heard.
Try restating what your child says next time you talk. Or you can restate the feeling that you get from her words. You don’t have to agree with your child. Yet, you’ll both better understand what was said when you restate the conversation.
Even if you get it wrong, it allows you to get it right. Reflections help the conversation move forward. It may feel awkward, but talking with your child may feel more optimistic.
Reflecting on what your child said is another technique that helps facilitate change on your family’s journey to work through addiction.
8. 7 Elements of Positive Communication
Would you like a checklist of ways to be sure you’re staying positive? CRAFT breaks it down into seven easy-to-remember steps to stay on track.
You can help your child change when you keep the positive conversations going. Whether you approve of his behavior or not, you’ll have a better chance of encouraging change if you keep things calm and hopeful.
- Be Brief – Think through what you want to say to your child beforehand. The message gets lost by going on and on and repeating yourself (we’ve all done that). Keep it short, sweet, and to the point!
- Be specific – Your child will likely ignore you when you’re vague. Instead of “We want you to help around the house,” say, “We need you to help by emptying the dishwasher and taking out the trash.”
- Be positive – Notice what your child is doing well.
- Label your feelings – Use the “I message” technique to let your child know how you are feeling.
- Offer an understanding statement – Your child will be less defensive if he believes you are open to listening to how he sees things.
- Take partial responsibility – Let your child know you accept responsibility for any part you played in the substance use (This does not mean it’s your fault.)
- Offer to help – Ask, “How can I help?”
9. Conversations that keep you trapped.
I’ve fallen into these traps many times. I thought my child would listen to me if I said just the right words. Maybe I would be heard if I said them an octave higher, lower, louder, or more often. But I was wrong.
Here are six conversation traps that you’ll want to let go of:
- Too much information: You become white noise.
- Lecturing: Stop. It doesn’t help.
- Labeling: We don’t need to label our kids. Words like an addict, alcoholic, or “junkie” create more shame for them.
- Blaming: Let go of blaming your child. It brings out defensiveness.
- Taking Sides: Rather than taking a side, brainstorm different options. Find a point where you both agree.
- Question and Answers: Use open-ended questions when talking to your child. Start your conversation with words like “What” or “How.” They invite discussion. (Don’t use Why.)
10. What’s Positive about Positive Reinforcement
We all need positive reinforcement to feel good about ourselves
- When you reinforce a behavior ===> the behavior will be repeated.
- When you don’t reinforce a behavior ===> the behavior will stop.
Notice one of your child’s behaviors that you like and reward it. Some ideas are to give praise, a gift card, a special meal, or a fun outing.
There may still be behavior or drug use that you are not happy about. Yet, when you look for something your child is doing well, it can be a powerful way to begin the process of healing.
Some examples of reinforcements are:
- Free reinforcers: a hug, a pat on the back, a high five
- Reinforcers that cost something: a gift card, a special meal
- Reinforcers that are activities: a dinner out, a movie, a day at the beach
- Reinforcers that are words: Thank you, Great job, I appreciate how responsible you are.
The way reinforcement is carried out with love is more important than the amount it costs.
To learn more about how positive reinforcement can be a powerful strategy, read my article, How Positive Reinforcement Can Help Your Child Get into Treatment.
11. Support your child’s recovery, not their continued substance use.
Sometimes we find ourselves supporting the negative behavior without meaning to. In the addiction world, this could be called enabling behavior.
Enabling is a word that is used too much and feels negative. Being labeled an enabler can make you feel worse rather than better. You are most likely doing your best to help your child change. That being said, it is not helpful to support, consciously or unconsciously, a child’s use of drugs or alcohol.
Your child needs to feel the negative consequences of his use. Otherwise, why should he stop? Enabling is usually born out of parental love and concern. You don’t want to see your child suffer. However, your sincere efforts can cross over to enabling.
You may feel the urge to cover up or make excuses for the negative behavior. An example is doing your children’s homework for them if they are teens. Or, if your child is an adult, calling their boss to cover for them at work because they’re too hungover. Both of these are not so helpful.
Parents who do too much want to stay at their comfort level without considering the long-term consequences. When your child doesn’t have to take responsibility for their actions, they have no reason to change.
12. Tips on Treatment Programs
Have you felt overwhelmed by the idea of trying to find treatment for your child? Finding the right treatment center is challenging.
Treatment centers vary. Some will be a better fit for your child than others. Look for a program with counselors who have empathy and compassion. Studies have shown that these qualities tend to predict a positive outcome.
Carrie Wilkens, Ph.D. states, “Being a hard-ass and able to confront addiction is not a predictor of clinician effectiveness. (In fact, confrontation has been found to be a predictor of relapse!)”
Check out the counselor’s level of training. Ask about years of experience. Find out the level of training and rate of staff turnover. Who supervises the treatment team?
Is the program supportive of Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT)? Some prescription drugs save lives. We should be using them when needed.
Find a qualified practitioner who can assess your child’s emotional, physical, and environmental issues. One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to recovery. Don’t let your child get funneled into a program that isn’t a good fit. Meetings and sponsors work for some, but not everyone.
Be sure the provider is capable and willing to consider the role of trauma in your child’s life. Seeking help can be a complicated process. When you know what to ask for, it becomes easier.
Check out the Partnership to End Addction’s Guide: Questions to Ask Treatment Programs.
13. How to Keep Hope Alive on your addiction journey.
Do you have hope? I know that hope has kept me going in the darkest of times.
We hear, “Don’t give up hope.” or “There is always hope.” These words can incentivize you to hang on a little longer when you feel stuck. Hope gives you the strength to keep moving forward.
The definition of hope is:
- Cultivating a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen
- Connecting with a person or thing that may help or save someone
- Believing that something good may happen
You cannot control every aspect of the future. Yet, hope gives you room to believe things will get better.
In conclusion, an addiction journey is complicated, and one size doesn’t fit all. I hope these ideas have brightened the path and shed some light on tips, tools, and ideas for helping your child change.
Access research-based resources to help you support your child in a kind, compassionate way, which can lead to change.
And consider getting access to my online course, Regain Your Hope, an online course that gives you an action plan to help your child. Know that your child can change. Love, Cathy
