Denial and enabling behaviors can get in the way of helping your child change.
They are understandable.
Sometimes you need time to come to grips with your child’s behavior. You need to make sense of the drug or alcohol use so that you can put a plan of action into place.
Yet, to help your child become healthy, happy, and productive, deal with the problem as soon as possible.
Here are some tips to deal with denial and enabling behaviors.
Denial
A parent’s primary job is to prepare their child for life in the real world.
Yet there are times when things don’t work out the way you expected. Teens sometimes begin experimenting with drugs or alcohol. Young adults may not live up to their potential.
You want to believe they on the right track. Yet, their experimentation may lead them down the road to destruction.
The problem for many parents is that blinders are put on. You have a hard time acknowledging the problem that is right in front of you. Some may even take the attitude that “If I do not see it, it is not happening.”
You may think you can handle the problem and don’t need outside help.
If your child is using substances, do something now rather than think it is a phase they are going through.
Your family may have two parents working outside the home. There is rent or a mortgage to pay, and also other children to think about. You may be caring for their own parents as well.
In the everyday grind of getting through the day, you may be tired, overworked and stressed. You may choose the path of least resistance, without considering how your child’s behavior may harm him in the long run.
Questionable situations with your child may be overlooked. Instead, you may hope for the best.
You want to believe your children are on the road to being self-sufficient and upstanding members of society. When telltale signs that this is not the case become clear, rather than following through you find it easier to look the other way.
When you are busy, sometimes it’s easier.
You may believe things will work out on their own. And they may. Yet, it is better to take the initiative and ensure that your child is safe and on the right track.
Here are some ways to let go of denial, take the initiative and become more involved.
- Recognize that you are in denial.
- Ask questions and seek information.
- Know where your teens are and how to contact them.
- Talk to your kids often about the dangers of peer pressure, alcohol, and drug use.
- Connect with other parents and agree to share information.
- Educate yourself about what substance use is common in your community.
- Do not blame yourself for your child’s problems.
- Let go of your embarrassment. Instead, get your child the help that they need.
- Don’t be a Not-MY-Child parent. Do not write off a drug or alcohol problem as teens-will-be-teens.
- Set aside quality time to spend with your child so that you can build a positive relationship.
Take an interest in your teenager’s lives. Be aware of who they are hanging out with. Your teen may feel that you are imposing on their freedom. They may give you the silent treatment.
As painful as this may feel, as your teen grows older, these feelings will pass.
This is a much better option than to have your child spiral out of control, end up overdosing or incarcerated.
Enabling
“We talk a lot about enabling behaviors, where they come from, and why it’s not such a bad thing to use them right now because they are trying to kind of keep an equilibrium in the house.
Eventually, we have to get them to drop those enabling behaviors and let the drinker or the drug user suffer what I call natural consequences for his or her behavior, so they need to stop the enabling.” ~ Dr. Robert Meyers
How far in life will a false sense of entitlement take a child?
Enabling is usually born out of love and concern, as well as not wanting to see your child suffer. Parents want the best for their children. Sometimes, efforts at being helpful can cross over to enabling.
You may unconsciously cover up or make excuses for the negative behaviors of your child. An example of enabling is when you do your children’s homework for them. Or you may cover-up for your young adult at work.
Enabling becomes dangerous when we ease our child’s use of drugs or alcohol.
Sometimes everyone is held accountable except the struggling child.
Hosting a teen party is another issue. You may think you are being kind, and agree to have the dreaded teen party. You may set boundaries around alcohol and drug use. Some parents feel is better for their children to drink at home since they are going to do it anyway.
It is very difficult to know what the party guests are doing at any given time. In many states, you are responsible if the party results in drinking or drug use and causes an accident. Monitoring a teen party can be an impossible task.
Enabling happens because parents want to stay in their comfort zone. The long-term consequences are not considered.
Rescuing our kids over and over doesn’t give them the knowledge on how to function in the “real world”.
Teens or young adults who have been enabled have no reason to change their behavior. They do not have a clear understanding of the negative consequences.
Children learn values, confidence, strength, and discipline from their parents. It also has an impact when we praise them for a job well done. Teens learn life skills when they accept responsibility for their actions.
A parent who continuously rescues his child when he acts out is trying to be a loving parent but on a deeper level is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self-destruct. ~ Naomi Sternberg
Here are some ways that parents can change enabling behaviors:
- Realize that you have an enabling problem.
- Let go of your defensive behavior.
- Don’t take responsibility for issues or problems that belong to your child.
- Do not rescue your child by fixing their problems.
- Don’t bribe your child by promising gifts for behavior changes.
- Do not tolerate intolerable behavior such as cursing, or disrespecting family members.
- Set clear and reasonable boundaries. Follow through. It will create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
- Let your child know that you will not tell lies, make excuses or cover up for them in any way.
- Practice regular self-care, so that you can cope with your child’s negative behaviors.
- Allow your child to experience the consequences of his actions.
- Do not excuse your child’s negative behaviors.
- Seek professional help for your teen or adult child if needed.
Many parents have been down the road of denial and enabling. If you have, don’t regret your past.
Learn from your mistakes. Move on to a better tomorrow where you are clear about the problem and ready to help your child in a positive way.
Letting our children take responsibility for the consequences of their actions may be difficult. Yet, it is the best way to ensure that they will become responsible problem solvers who can handle the world as adults.
Photo by Lachlan Dempsey on Unsplash
It is very sad when parents do not want to believe or acknowledge the fact that their children are addicted. After all, who wants to think that everything is less than perfect? With addiction, especially, as you rightly pointed out, there’s denial – parents hate to admit that they don’t feel guilty. I think it is natural for every parent to automatically think it is their fault when their children are not ideal. My heart just goes out to them. If my son exhibits some unexpected behavior, the first thought that comes to my mind is “where did I go wrong?”. We are so desperate that our children should be perfect that it blinds us to logic.
Your recommendations to deal with this are excellent, Cathy.
Hi Vidya,
Parents do often blame themselves, and although there are many things we all wish we had done differently, the addiction may have happened regardless of our efforts. I do, however, feel that parents that are aware of the problem and talk to their kids about it, have a better chance of raising children who make healthy choices. Take care!
This is a wonderful article, Cathy. I actually see a lot of this enabling in parents of adult children. It’s very sad because, despite the loving intentions of the parent, it does far more harm than good. You did a great job of covering this touchy subject.
Hi Nea,
Parent have the best of intentions, but when times are difficult, we can sometimes give in to just fixing the problem for our kids, rather than letting them problem solve and discover the answer themselves. Our children are stronger people when we let them spread their own wings and fly solo. Take care.
Hi Cathy, This is such an important post, and I just wanted to add that something many parents are not aware of is how quickly a teen can become addicted because of the developmental processes occurring in the brain from roughly ages 12 to early 20s. With regards to alcoholism, for example, nearly 1/2 of those who met the diagnostic criteria for alcoholism in their lifetime had the disease by age 21 and 2/3s by age 25. The Partnership at DrugFree.org has an excellent resource, “A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain,” which can help parents better understand this new research on the developing brain. Thanks, again, for sharing this important post. Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Thanks so much for adding that information for parents of teens. Alcoholism may be realized later in life, but almost all started drinking in their teens. There is a wealth of information on the Partnership’s site, so I do recommend anyone interested in the topic to visit their site.
This is really interesting Cathy. I think the issue that needs to be addressed is generally, are the kids ok to begin with? Addiction doesn’t come out of nowhere and I truly believe that the difference between some harmless experimentation and addiction is determined by how powerless the teenager feels. Teenagers are so prone to low self-esteem, but if parents keep the communication lines open and allow the teen to feel some autonomy (cracking down too hard will make it worse) in safe ways (allow them to make decisions over their lives, trust them to make mistakes and learn), then they can learn to make smart decisions when they’re at a party. Addiction is a symptom, but pain is the disease.
On the other hand, I really feel compelled to tell parents that if a kid did get addicted, it’s 1.) not the end of the world. Seriously. and 2.) not their fault. You cannot control the path your child will take and if you try too hard, you could well be pushing them towards the bottle. No, you don’t want your child to become an addict, but ultimately, there’s just no way to guarantee that it won’t happen and that’s not your job. Your job is to love your child and let them make their own way, no matter how bumpy it is. It’s easy to blame the parents, and for the parents to blame themselves, but honestly, unless you handed them the crack, it’s almost certainly not your fault.
My two cents. 🙂
Wow. This really got me on my soap box! Awesome post Cathy!
Hugs,
Melody
Hi Melody,
Well said. You have truly expressed some key insights into this whole process. As we know, there are many children who come from very difficult backgrounds who go on to excel in life and make healthy choices. There are others who come from seemingly loving families, who make the choice to experiment with drugs and alcohol and become addicted. It does come from pain and woman and men are driven to drugs and alcohol abuse for different reasons, which I plan on addressing in a later post.
Drugs are so easily accessible now in every high school in America, public, private, inner city and suburb. It can be heroin to prescription drugs. If kids want to use drugs, they know who to ask and where to find it.
If parents can be aware and educate themselves and their children, as well as talk often about the problem, their child will have less of a chance of choosing this path. Sometimes parents want to look the other way or fix the problem for their child because they don’t know what else to do. There are no guarantees in life, and if their child becomes involved with drugs, remaining calm and seeking help will give them a chance of getting back on the right track. The parents should not feel guilty for something their child choose to do. Take care!
Cathy,
This was a fantastic post. I never thought in terms of denial and enabling being “drugs.” It makes sense though. If you don’t stop these things when the child is still in his or her teens it continues all through the child’s life into adulthood. A lot of food for thought here…. thank you.
Hi Angela,
Parents do need to be vigilant during the teens years. We all feel as if our kids are almost grown, but often we need to be there more than ever to not only guide our children, but just ensure that they are making safe choices. The teens years are when experimentation begins, and it is important that parents watch carefully to see that their kids are staying focused on their goals and passions in life, not drugs and alcohol. Take care.
Terrific information Cathy, thankyou.
So many parents need this type of info and support so that they can assist their children attain the right direction.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
The more informed parents can be during these critical year, the more helpful they can be to their children.
Thanks for stopping by.
Great piece. So very important for parents of children who are not into drugs/alcohol.
“Letting our children suffer the consequences of their actions may be difficult, but it is the best way to ensure that they will become responsible problem solvers who can handle the world as adults.” This is crucial. Nowadays, helicopter parenting or bubble wrap parenting seem to be The Way and it is so detrimental. We are raising entitled children with no coping or problem-solving skills; no sense of personal responsibility and accountability; and overall devoid of the skills that will lead them into a functional, independent and well adjusted adulthood.
Thanks for this most important message for all parents.
Hi Harriet,
This topic is important for all parents of teens whether they are struggling with drug abuse or have other issues. The idea of the helicopter parent is so interesting to me. I believe this is done out of kindness and love, but is not helpful in the long run for the child. To be strong, adult children need to feel confident that they can rely on themselves for the answers.
You are so so right in my beliefs with what you said about parents today! And my question is, how did things get to this dangerous point? And how do you convince parents who are guilty to take a good look at their parenting choices and actions and accept they what they are doing is so very detrimental to their children ever maturing? And instead of telling every 18 year old that they are an “adult” now, they should have to take a maturing test and if they pass they can engage in adult choices and activities, and if they don’t then they can’t, including drinking, driving, voting, getting married, buying a gun, cigarettes, and so on. Maybe if they can’t just do whatever they way, they might try growing up first??
Great post Cathy! Tough subject, esp. denial which I have seen in action many times as a teacher and parent. I will recommend this post to some of my friends who just beginning the teen years with their kids. It’s a tough subject that I talk about with friends a lot as I am at the tail end of bringing up teenagers. It’s been one of the hardest times I’ve ever had. But one of the best, too. I always feel like Professor Moody in Harry Potter who always says, “Constant vigilance!”
Hi Betsy,
Raising children can be one of the most gratifying experiences in life. The teen years are challenging for most families. The majority of teens do get through these years and go on to live successful lives. My hope is that everyone can get through the teen years without being sidetracked with drugs or alcohol. Thanks for sharing the post!
Hi Cathy..
Boy, does this post bring back memories. I could tell you more a few stories about dealing with alcohol and drugs with my kids when they were in high school.
Your information is phenomenal! I especially love the line about not blaming yourself for your kids’ issues.
Thanks for another great post 🙂 Fran
Hi Fran,
This issue does affect us all in one way or another. Parents feel shame when their children have issues in life and feel that it reflects on them as a parent and as a person. When we realize that most people have challenges with their teen in some form, it makes us realize that we are not alone.
I’ve recently discovered that my soon to be 22 year old has used or is using, hard drugs… but when I ask him he gets angry, is this normal behavior?
Hi Misty,
Yes, it can be normal behavior, however your concern is understandable. Noticing a change in his behavior can be a sign that he could be using drugs. If you suspect that he is, reaching out for help as soon as possible would be recommended. It is important to try and intercept his use as soon as possible. Do reach out if I can be of any further help to you. Strategy sessions and a support group are available on the site. ALL the best to you.
Hi Cathy,
I think so many parents are themselves addicts and therefore aren’t in a position to help their children. Also the kids grew up thinking this is the ‘norm.’ One of the first questions in intake is, Do your parents drink and do drugs? 9 times out of 10 the answer is yes. So many think that marijuana isn’t a big deal. They fail to see it’s the gateway to other drugs.
Hi Tess,
So true, so true. This problem has transcended several generations. Everyone who experiments with marijuana does not necessarily later become addicted to harder drugs, but everyone who is addicted to drugs like heroin and crystal meth ALL have smoked marijuana. Smoking cigarettes, interestingly enough, is also a gateway drug.
Hi Cathy,
This is quite interesting Cathy. The habits and patterns we establish in our youth STICK for a lifetime. Parents are in a tremendous position of influence when it comes to reinforcing healthy habits. While growing up, I assembled a long list of misleading opinions that discouraged me from believing that my dreams could come true. I remember thinking that the world wasn’t nearly as wonderful as I once thought it would be… an opinion that was enabled by a negative environment.
Hi Rob,
Our early environment does influence our lives in so many ways. Parents can make all the difference by being role models, talking often to their children about the dangers of drug abuse, and helping their child explore their interests and talents to build their self confidence. Parents do the best that they can and it is never perfect. They can make a big difference in their children’s lives, and have much more influence over their children even in the teen years, then they often believe.
Hi Cathy,
I really liked this post. It got me thinking of something in a slightly different context, which is the impact of culture on how a parent reacts to their child’s problems. Coming from an Indian background, I’m familiar with how certain mental conditions can unfortunately be considered taboo areas. Hence if a child is suffering from a condition, some families may just deny anything is wrong, or may not want to talk about it, for fear it will bring ‘shame’ on the family.
I’m wondering if addictions within certain cultures and communities might also make parents behave In certain ways.
Hi Hiten,
That is an interesting concept. Certainly in the American culture, and I would believe in most cultures, addiction is viewed as shameful. There is a huge stigma around addiction and that is one of the main reasons more attention is not brought to addiction. People are embarrassed and feel that it does bring shame to the family. Worthy causes such as breast cancer and AIDS have received more funding and attention because people are open to talking about it and admitting that they have been affected. Many with addiction, once they reach recovery, do not feel comfortable disclosing their past, and understandable so. Hopefully in the future we can all understand that this is a disease and it should be treated as such.
I think this a very good article, I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s with plenty of drugs around , and I believe you should give your children support , but a lot of people push the disease concept which I don’t believe it is, anyone can get addicted to a strong drug including cigarettes, but out of all my friends and a small few were on heavy drugs like coke and meth, were able to quit on their own , when their pain was worst then their pleasures, and they now have families of their own. I strongly disagree that Marijuana is a gateway drug , because the study has been proven to be bias, that argument does not hold up, people that have done Heroin or crack , they did not only use Marijuana , they also had alcohol or smoked cigarettes or drank Milk or drove a car and went to the beach .My point is you can connect it to anything that people normally do or drink or eat also.
I am not defending Marijuana use , but until people are honest with their children and stop putting Marijuana at the same level of addictive and destructive drugs , the kids will see through all the lies and will try harder drugs even more.
Hi Lou,
You bring up some good points. There are certain risk factors that come into play when a young person experiments with drugs or alcohol at an early age. Early use is one, as well as trauma, mental illness, environment, and genetics. There may be several who try a certain drug or drink during their teen years, but only a few will actually become addicted. Sometimes heavy use looks like an addiction, but it may be abuse instead of addiction which is a much easier habit to change. Cigarettes, actually is a stronger gateway drug than marijuana, but most addicts have used marijuana at some point along the way. Addiction is the brain’s craving for the drug, and giving the message that they will not survive unless they continue to use. It is complicated, but there is hope for anyone. Thanks for stopping by.
My google search
“parents+in+denial+about+their+child’s+behaviour” brought me to your article and what I feared and no longer can deny & enablel was right there in front of me.
Your article has enlightened me and is the voice I needed to hear to take the first action step.
Thank you.
What about when the child is in denial? Refusing help? Won’t talk to anyone?
It’s not a problem
I can just stop
I don’t use regularly (although the evidence is overwhelming)
The messages on my phone asking me to get stuff for people doesn’t mean I am?
Where does a parent go then?
Hi Jane,
Hi Jane, I know that it is challenging when your child is in denial, so I understand how you could feel frustrated. What I would suggest is to continue having conversations while staying calm. I would only be around your child when he or she is sober. When they do seem to be sober or are doing something that you like, be sure to acknowledge them. Notice anything positive that you can. That helps to keep the conversation going.
I would also suggest the Parent’s 20 Minute Guide and the CRAFT approach. You can learn more here about the CRAFT approach here – https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/the-craft-approach/ They provide tips on how to talk to your child so there is a better chance they will listen. I’m happy to talk to you as well, so feel free to reach out.
My daughter got pregnant in high school and she & now toddler live with us. Luckily we don’t have substance abuse issues, but we have enabled her “non-adulting,” we know we do. We jumped in parenting the baby because she didn’t and has depression & ADHD on top of it.
We continue to have a hard time because now we’re trying to avoid her using the child against us.
We don’t like enabling, it’s not good for our daughter but it’s best for the baby. It’s a tough spot to be in.
Hi Jenny,
It is more challenging when there are young children involved in the situation. I’m not sure I would call it enabling if you are helping the baby. It sounds like you are trying to do the best you can in a difficult situation. Hopefully, your daughter can get some counseling or help with her depression and ADHD. Thanks for stopping by and all the best.
Hello.
Today I recognize that instead of helping my 22 year old daughter I’m her enabler. She first got in trouble in 2016 for stealing at a store. Then again minor in possession of alcohol , then in 2018 she wrecked her car she was drunk and she let a “friend” drive and kept the details from me. I had to find out from the insurance company. That “friend “ also stole money from us at our house , and that person had a criminal record. Then I’m march 2019 she was arrested for DWI. And I helped her with the expenses of that. She was doing ok for about 3 months and now she is starting to lie again. Please help me understand what I should do and how to overcome the overwhelming anxiety and fear for her life and future. I’m so desperate I feel that I’m loosing my mind. On top on that I have an innumerable amount of other problems. Please help with honest advice. I can’t take this anymore.
Hi Liz,
I’m so sorry that you are going through so much with your daughter. It is understandable that you would have anxiety and overwhelming fear. It is hard to know exactly what is behind her behavior, but it sounds like alcohol is an issue. Have you discussed getting her some help? A therapist, counselor, or consider a treatment program if you feel she is overly dependent on alcohol. It sounds like she needs some outside support.
If she is living with you, there are certain things that you can put into place. I would allow her to feel the natural consequences of her actions, so in the future, you may want to consider letting her pay or handle any issues going forward. Also, I would notice things that she is doing right. It is easy to overlook this piece when we are concerned about our kids. Try to notice something every day and let her know you appreciate her positive actions.
Some resources for you are the 20 Minute Guide and Beyond Addiction, both by the Center for Motivation and Change. You can find out more about those books here – https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/the-craft-approach/. Also, reach out on my contact page if I can be of help to you – https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/contact-us/
Hang in there and don’t forget to take care of yourself as well along the way. XO