Breaking Through Denial and Ending Enabling

Denial and enabling behaviors can get in the way of helping your child change.

They are understandable because sometimes, you need time to understand your child’s behavior. You need to make sense of the drug or alcohol use so that you can put a plan of action into place.

Yet, to help your child become healthy, happy, and productive, it is best to deal with the problem as soon as possible.

Here are some tips for handling denial and enabling behaviors.

Denial

A parent’s primary job is to prepare their child for life in the real world.

Yet, sometimes, things don’t work out the way you expected. Teens sometimes begin experimenting with drugs or alcohol. Young adults may not live up to their potential.

You want to believe they are on the right track, but their experimentation may lead them to destruction.

Many parents find it painful to see what is right in front of them. 

You may think you can handle the problem and don’t need outside help.

If your child is using substances, do something now rather than think it is a phase they are going through.

Your family may have two parents working outside the home. You may also have to pay rent and a mortgage, consider other children, and care for other family members.

Being tired, overworked, and stressed does not help. You may choose the path of least resistance without considering how your child’s behavior may harm them in the long run.

Questionable situations with your son or daughter may arise that you can’t deal with now. Instead, you may hope for the best.

It can be easier to ignore the situation when you are busy and don’t have the answer.

You may believe things will work out on their own, and they may. Yet, taking the initiative and ensuring your child is safe and on the right track is better.

Here are some ways to let go of denial, take the initiative, and become more involved.

• Recognize that you are in denial.
• Ask questions and seek information.
• Know where your teens are and how to contact them.
• Talk to your kids often about the dangers of peer pressure, alcohol, and drug use.
• Connect with other parents and agree to share information.
• Educate yourself about what substance use is every day in your community.
• Do not blame yourself for your child’s problems.
• Let go of your embarrassment. Instead, get your child the help that they need.
• Don’t be a Not-MY-Child parent. Do not write off a drug or alcohol problem as teens-will-be-teens.
• Set aside quality time to spend with your child so that you can build a positive relationship.

Take an interest in your teenager’s lives. Be aware of who they hang out with. Your teen may feel that you are imposing on their freedom, and they may give you the silent treatment.

As painful as this may feel, these feelings will pass as your teen ages.

Enabling

We talk a lot about enabling behaviors, where they come from, and why it’s not bad to use them right now because they are trying to keep an equilibrium in the house.

Eventually, we have to get them to drop those enabling behaviors and let the drinker or the drug user suffer what I call natural consequences for his or her behavior. Hence, they need to stop the enabling.~ Dr. Robert Meyers

How far in life will a false sense of entitlement take a child?

Enabling is usually born out of love, concern, and not wanting to see your child suffer. Parents want the best for their children. Sometimes, efforts at being helpful can cross over to enabling.

You may unconsciously cover up or make excuses for your child’s negative behaviors. One example of enabling is doing your children’s homework for them. Another is covering up for your young adult at work.

Enabling becomes dangerous when we ease our child’s use of drugs or alcohol.

Sometimes, everyone is held accountable except the struggling child.

Enabling happens because parents want to stay in their comfort zone. It is more helpful to consider the long-term consequences.

Rescuing our kids doesn’t teach them how to function in the “real world.”

They will not understand the negative consequences of their behavior.

Children learn values, confidence, strength, and discipline from their parents. It also impacts when we praise them for a job well done. Teens learn life skills when they accept responsibility for their actions.

A parent who continuously rescues his child when he acts out is trying to be a loving parent but on a deeper level is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self-destruct. ~ Naomi Sternberg

Here are some ways that parents can change enabling behaviors:

• Realize that you have an enabling problem.
• Let go of your defensive behavior.
• Don’t take responsibility for issues or problems that belong to your child.
• Do not rescue your child by fixing their problems.
• Don’t bribe your child by promising gifts for behavior changes.
• Do not tolerate intolerable behavior such as cursing or disrespecting family members.
• Set clear and reasonable boundaries. Follow through. It will create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
• Let your child know that you will not tell lies, make excuses, or cover up for them in any way.
• Practice regular self-care to cope with your child’s negative behaviors.
• Allow your child to experience the consequences of his actions.
• Do not excuse your child’s negative behaviors.
• Seek professional help for your teen or adult child if needed.

Many parents have been down the road of denial and enabling. If you have, don’t regret your past.

Stay clear about the problem and be ready to support your son or daughter.

It may be challenging to let our children take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Yet, it is the best way to ensure they become responsible problem solvers who can handle the world as adults.

Thank you for reading. If you are concerned about your son or daughter’s substance use, learn research-based tools that can help you motivate your child to change. Add the Sunday newsletter to your inbox. Sign up now.