Did you grow up in a family where you were the child of an alcoholic?
You are not alone.
Nearly seventy-six million American adults have been exposed to alcoholism in their family, as well as one in every four families. Alcoholism is responsible for more family problems than any other single cause.
It all begins in the womb. If a woman drinks alcohol during her pregnancy, the concentration of alcohol in her unborn baby’s bloodstream is the same level as her own. She may give birth to a baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which is one of the three top known causes of birth defects.
It doesn’t stop there.
Many normal children of alcoholics have common symptoms such as low self-esteem, loneliness, guilt, feelings of helplessness, fear of abandonment, and chronic depression. They may feel responsible for the problems of the alcoholic and may think they created the problem. Children of alcoholics may feel high levels of tension and stress.
Living with a parent who drinks excessively may make the children in the family feel embarrassed, angry, sad, or hurt. They may feel helpless and frustrated when the parent promises to stop drinking and they don’t keep their promises.
Children may be mistreated, or neglected, for instance coming home from school to find their parent passed out on the couch. They may spend a lot of energy trying to figure out a parent’s mood or guess what the parent wants.
The parent may even be visibly drunk in public which can cause a child embarrassment and confusion. Children can be put in a dangerous situation when the parent who is driving the car has been drinking.
Even if the alcoholic himself ultimately reforms, the family members who were so greatly affected may not ever recover from the problems inflicted upon them.
The Village Fog is a video by Alaska Youth who feel like they’re living in “a fog” when the adults of their community use and abuse alcohol and drugs.
The alcoholic’s codependent family members do everything possible to hide the problem, even forgetting about their own needs and desires, in an effort to preserve the family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family.” The spouse and children may avoid making friends and bringing other people home to hide problems caused by alcoholism.
Children may try to control or cure the drinking parent, because they may feel responsible for the problems of their parents. Problems of depression, aggression, or impulsive behavior are not uncommon.
The Emotions
From the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, here are some of the conflicting emotions that a child may be feeling as they are being raised in an alcoholic home:
- Guilt – The child may see himself or herself as the main cause of the mother’s or father’s drinking.
- Anxiety – The child may worry constantly about the situation at home. He or she may fear the alcoholic parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear fights and violence between the parents.
- Embarrassment – Parents may give the child the message that there is a terrible secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid to ask anyone for help.
- Inability to have close relationships – Because the child has been disappointed by the drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others.
- Confusion – The alcoholic parent will change suddenly from being loving to angry, regardless of the child’s behavior. A regular daily schedule, which is very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are constantly changing.
- Anger – The child feels anger at the alcoholic parent for drinking, and maybe angry at the nonalcoholic parent for lack of support and protection. Depression – The child feels lonely and helpless to change the situation.
Although each family is different, people who grow up with alcoholic parents often feel alone, unloved, depressed, or burdened by the secret life they lead at home.
Seeking Support
It is not possible to stop another person’s drinking or behavior. But seeking support whenever possible can help. Older children may be able to seek help for themselves.
Here are some ways to find help:
Admit that there is a problem. ~ Many children are put in the position of trying to hide the problem or protect their parents. Take control by admitting that there is a problem, even if the parent won’t.
Recognize your feelings ~ Recognizing how a parent’s problem drinking makes you feel can help you from burying your feelings and pretending that everything’s OK.
Find New Role Models ~ Finding new role models can help children learn healthy ways to handle the difficult situation and learn better ways to make good decisions,
Share your Feelings ~ Share your feelings with a friend, but also talk to a trusted adult, such as a family member, parent of a close friend, school counselor, favorite teacher, or coach.
Be Aware of Your Own Risks ~ Teenage children of alcoholics are at higher risk of becoming alcoholics themselves. Scientists think this is because of genetics and the environment that kids grow up in. For example, people might learn to drink as a way to avoid fear, boredom, anxiety, sadness, or other unpleasant feelings.
Reach out for Help – Al-Anon/Alateen are two support groups that can help. The main goal of these organizations is to help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic’s drinking problems and that the family members’ recovery does not depend upon the alcoholic’s recovery. They also have a 24-hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666.
Partnership at Drugfree.org has a free helpline as well and can give support and/or direct a teen to the support they need. Their number is 1-855-DRUGFREE.
Supportive Books for Children
Below are some books that might be helpful to children in this situation.
Easter Ann Peters’ Operation Cool, by Jody Lamb
An Elephant in the Living Room The Children’s Book, by Jill M. Hastings and Marion H. Typpo
A Young Person’s Guide to the Twelve Steps, by Stephen Roos
My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child’s View: Living with Addiction, by Claudia Black
My Big Sister Takes Drugs, by Judith Vigna
When a Family is in Trouble: Children Can Cope with Grief from Drug and Alcohol Addiction, by Marge Heegaard
The Dragon Who Lives at Our House (Fresh Fables), By Elaine Mitchell Palmore and Norris Hall
I can Say No: A Child’s Book about Drug Abuse (Hurts of a Childhood Series), by Doris Sanford and Graci Evans
The Addiction Monster and The Square Cat, by Sheryl Letzgus McGinnis
A Terrible Thing Happened – a story for children who have witnessed violence or trauma, by Margaret M. Holmes
For Teenagers Living With a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs, By Edith Hornik-Beer
Mommy’s Gone to Treatment, by Denise D. Crosson
Remember you are not alone. You can be loving and supportive, but you cannot stop someone from drinking. Talking about the problem, finding support, and seeking healthy ways to deal with the situation are all good choices.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Many adult children often go through life not realizing that their reactions and issues in life may be a result of having grown up in a family with an alcoholic parent. To a greater or lesser degree, our history follows us into adulthood and can have negative consequences in many areas, such as health, work, and relationships.
Adult children of alcoholics follow one or two paths, as they seem to have difficulty navigating the middle road. They either follow the path of trying to be perfect or super-responsible. When they follow this path, they have a strong need to be in control, and fear being out of control.
Or, they are super irresponsible or may even succumb to the disease of addiction themselves. Problems of depression, aggression, or impulsive behavior are not uncommon among adult children of alcoholics.
Understanding, accepting, and making peace with your past will help you to move forward in your life, and open your heart to love.
Children of Alcoholics Week is February 12-18th – A celebration of Hope and Healing.
If you know a family with children suffering because their parent or parents are alcoholics, don’t hesitate to reach out to them with your support. To find out more go to the National Association of Children of Alcoholics.
Finally, some important points to remember and discuss are that neither the child nor any other family member caused the disease, are able to cure or control the disease.
It is important that all family members take care of themselves and stay healthy.
Communicate your feelings, make healthy choices, celebrate who you are, especially your strengths and abilities as individuals and as a family, so that you can live life to the fullest.
Have you been in this situation? What have you done as an adult to make peace with your past? What tips can you add that would help the child of an alcoholic parent?
Thanks for reading.
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Hi Cathy,
This is a tremendous post. As someone who has experienced many of the family relationships you’ve described here, I very much identify with the emotions and the importance of seeking support. As you write, you are not alone, and talking about it – understanding it – most definitely helps. Thanks so much!
Hi Lisa,
I believe there are many people who go through life feeling pain and are not really clear where the pain originates. We only know what we experienced as a child and until we grow up, do we realize that there may be another way to live. Addressing the family dynamics is a first step in moving forward. Take care.
Cathy, this was an awesome post. I learned so much. I didn’t grow up with alcoholism in the family but my mother was a “martyr” and used it to manipulate and control us. It’s not the same but it does create a lot of the same issues.
Hi Angela,
There are many alcoholic behaviors that people can exhibit because of their upbringing. I look at some of the family dynamics in my family as well and wonder where it came from. I don’t have as much information about my grandparents, so it’s hard to know, but many parents were children of alcoholics and even though they don’t drink excessively, they have the scars from their childhood. Take care.
Cathy – …what an amazing and informative post. The numbers are shocking and the effects on children is profound. These poor kids grow up to have the potential for many trust and dependency issues of their own. Having grown up in a household with an alcoholic parent, I can say that I have very few happy childhood memories.
Hi Becca,
Thanks for sharing your insights. Many children are affected by this disease, more than most people would expect. It takes their childhood away as you have mentioned. The more we share our experiences, the more aware all of us will be regarding this destructive disease. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Cathy,
Oh how I wish these resources would have been available 35 or 40 years ago! I still suffer the consequences of growing up in an alcoholic home but learned long ago that I am no longer a victim of those circumstances. I have a voice. I have power. And I am so very grateful for folks like you who spread the recovery message of hope.
Blessings to you,
Beth
Hi Beth,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is not easy to come from an alcoholic home. What many of us take for granted, such as love and consistent support from our parents, children in these situations are never sure of. Thanks for being a beacon of hope for others. Take care.
Very insightful with so many valuable resources!
My Mom and I lived with my grandmother, in a joint family with mom’s brothers and their wives. One of my uncles was an alcoholic. The best person in the world when sober; yet when he was drunk, it was devastating. Beatings ensued, harsh words spoken – and on a daily basis, that can be hard to bear. We loved him so much but no one could convince him to slow down or give up the habit. Sadly, he passed away from a fall and head injury on his 60th birthday. We miss him terribly for his goodness and generosity.
Loved the post, Cathy.
Hi Vidya,
Thanks for sharing your story. There is always another side to the alcoholic/addict – the real person. What we see, as emotionally devastating as it is, is the addiction speaking and not the person. How wonderful that you do have some good memories of your uncle and that you understand his disease.
that’s such an important topic Cathy
i found a lot of interesting facts in your post
keep it up
Hi Farouk,
Thanks for your encouragement and for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Very thoughtful post.
I always found it amazing to witness the abuse and neglect that an alcoholic parents or substance-abuser may unintentionally have for their children. There was a recent article on NPR about a new finding – the fibers in addicts brains are different than a well formed brain. Of course this is information we may have already known or assumed, but it it more proof that we have to intervene at a younger ago to help individuals create coping mechanisms when they face adversity.
It’s important we offer services and not a prescription pill to help this situation – we don’t want to perpetuate a cycle of drug use to help cure… oh wait.. welcome to western science.
Addiction truly is not a choice and finding a cure is not at the next door. This is tough stuff with alot of cycle of abuse.
Thank you for a great post.
-Brian
NPR Article – http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/02/03/146307907/addicts-brains-may-be-wired-at-birth-for-less-self-control?ps=sh_sthdl
Hi Brian,
Alcoholism does tend to be genetic and finding an intervention for these families would be benefit the children who are innocent victims as well as the parent with the disease. There are no easy answers, and the first step is admitting that you have a problem. There is a lot of resources out there for families suffering, and hopefully with more discussion the stigma will be lessened. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Great post Cathy. I to am the child of a father that was a weekend alcoholic. Ever Friday night until Sunday night. It got scary and did cause embarrassment. I do have to say that my mother did help a lot. “she let me know that when dad drank he was a different person. There were 7 kids and I did wander if I could do something to make him quite the drinking. When i was in my 20’s he did quite after my mother figured out how she could support my little brother and herself.\
The years that followed were wonderful after he quite drinking.
I do have siblings that are also alcoholics. At one time I felt that maybe I would chose that path so I use to keep beer in my frig just to prove to myself it could be there without me drinking it. I won.
Drinking is very destructive and does affect the child, I have had to do a lot of studying about it to work through the problems it did create for me.
No child should have to be raised in that kind of environment,. It is ugly!
thanks again and hoping many will read this post and know that there is help out there,.
Blessing to you /Cathy,
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am sorry that you had to endure that. It is definitely harmful to young children, and they have no escape. I’m glad you were able to experience your father as a non drinker and enjoy him for who he really was. It’s difficult to separate the two, but the bad behavior is clearly the alcohol talking. I’m glad you recognized the damage it had caused you and were able to work through it. Take care.
Cathy,
I’m a survivor of an alcoholic parent. Every emotion you list in your post I have felt 100 times over. Now, with the benefit of age and wisdom I’m learning one important truth, “It wasn’t my fault.”
My mother drank because she wanted to drink ; it was her choice.
This truth has given me so much peace and happiness.
Alex
Hi Alex,
That is wonderful that you have found peace with your past and can separate yourself from the problem. It is difficult to detach whether we are the child, the sibling or the parent. It is a brain disease and like any other disease, alcoholism needs treatment. It is no one’s fault, but I understand your feelings, as sometimes it takes family members some time to realize that. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I believe it is helpful to know that others share the experience and understand the feelings. Take care.
This is a great post and there are some really insightful comments. When I was a kid I was brought up by just my mum and she clearly had a drinking problem for much of the time I was growing up. I never ever brought it up or mentioned it but one day she just stopped, no seeking help or anything. She doesn’t drink anymore, it’s strange – I am reluctant to even bring it up to ask her what happened even though I am now 26!
Hi Hail,
Some people do just decide that it is enough, and they make the decision to stop. That is wonderful that your mom made that choice. When and if you feel the time is right, it may be helpful to discuss the issue, but that is a decision that only you can make for your situation. Parent alcoholism is clearly an issue for all concerned, especially the children.
I think its something that I will just let lay, I expect she thinks I won’t remember it or never noticed/have forgotten and whatever the issue was it seems silly to dig it back up again. Thanks for the reply though!
Cathy, this post is another moment when I see how much of a blessing your website is. This is something that’s all too common, but it doesn’t have a common solution and it can be hard to make sense of an experience like this.
You’re a gateway for healing that many people are in need of.
This is very informative, Cathy! Alcohol was an issue when I was growing up. I recognize that it can create a fearful environment even if it’s not extreme. It’s illuminating to read some of the other consequences.
Hi Sandra,
I’m sorry alcohol was an issue when you were growing up. This seems like an all too common problem. It can be an unhealthy environment to grow up in and can leave lasting scars. It helps when people recognize the source of their emotional pain, and they can then take steps to reach out for support. Take care.
Hi Aileen,
Thank you for your kind words. My hope is that spreading awareness of this problem will shed light on it and make life better for those who are in these situations. The disease of alcoholism takes its toll on all family members. Take care.
I love this post, Cathy! I’m an adult child of an alcoholic, and I can relate so much to your message. My new book, Supreme Sacrifice, is a semi-autobiography about my experiences growing up with an alcoholic father and my journey of healing and forgiveness. I’m so thankful for all of the resources that are available now for these silent sufferers, because I had so little to support me back then. I love what you said about trying to convey the message of “the perfect family.” I’m actually going to talk about that in my next blog post for Children of Alcoholics Week. It’s such an important message to share!
Hi Rita,
Your book sounds interesting. It is a challenge when parents are alcoholics for all involved. The children need the support and help of others to show them a better way. I was not raised in an alcoholic family, but I hear so often in Al-Anon about children of alcoholics not being in touch with their feelings, because they were told so often to ignore what was happening and not discuss it with others. The family secret can be emotionally exhausting for a child when put in the position of trying to keep up the pretense that everything is just fine.
Powerful video and so very true. It’s a very sad situation. Thank goodness for people like yourself who work in the field helping to bring awareness, resources and hope. Keep up the great work, Cathy.
Where were you when I was a kid? Great article, I’m going to pass it along.
Thank you for an excellent post on the suffering and consequences of living in an addicted home. The ‘codependent’ is mostly overlooked when suggesting treatment. In my experiences, it is often the non-drinking or using people in the family who are most invested in keeping the dynamics the same., because they don’t have the tools that the addict/alcoholic learn in recovery.
I am looking forward to future blog posts.
SV
Hi SV,
Often the family is invested in keeping up appearances and you make a good point the many family members new to alcoholism don’t have the tools to deal with the situation. They bury their feelings and the pain expresses itself later in life in different ways. The more awareness we bring to the problem, the better. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your insightful comment. Take care.
I was drawn to this article when I saw it among the search results for a related topic.
My father was an alcoholic …even though we moved away from him when I was three, my mother abused Valium for the rest of my childhood and teens, and that caused many of the same problems as alcohol.
I’ve always known that my father’s alcoholism and violence affected me, and that my mother’s zoned-out, addicted behavior did too. But this is the first time I’ve thought about joining a 12 step program to address it.
Thank you !
Hi Chris,
Alcoholism and drug abuse can affect children for the rest of their lives. It may be subtle and go unnoticed as the root cause of teen and adult issues. There are many 12 step programs that are available for support, and I urge you to give one a try. It may take a few visits to different meetings until you find the one where you feel comfortable. I tried 5 different meetings until I found the one that I attend on a regular basis. It has truly changed my life to know that I have this kind of support with no questions asked. My best to you and thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Hello again Cathy,
Yes, I can surely understand why there might be some false starts involved in finding these meetings, because every group attains a certain personality as a result of multiple factors.
This morning I looked up where to find Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and alas there are no longer any within 60 miles of my home.
LUCKILY,
there are meetings on the internet and on the phone. I decided to go for the phone, assuming that individuals are probably permitted to speak …because that’s a little out of my comfort zone (I usually prefer to use the internet vs. the phone) and for some reason I feel up to stretching my wings a little at this time.
So for anyone else who might want to investigate this,
here is the schedule of a huge selection of telephone meetings for ACA:
http://www.allone.com/12/aca/
And elsewhere on that same site, the internet meetings can be accessed too, if preferred.
Now I’m off to start reading your eBook ~ thank you for sending that !
Warm regards,
Chris
Hi Chris,
I’m glad you found a meeting that will work for you. Thanks for sharing the information. That will be helpful to others I’m sure. All the best!
Hi Camaro,
I’m glad it was helpful. Thank you for stopping by.
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Oh, if only the world were full of more folks like you, Cathy! Thank you for your informative post on the topic I consider to be one of the most destructive problems we have in our society today. I remain baffled why it’s 2013 and still we’ve enabled it to remain a common secret. Thank you for inspiring people to speak about their experiences growing up with alcoholic loved ones so that young people will realize that they’re not alone and ask for help. High five, Cathy! Thank you for mentioning my novel.
Hi Jody,
The stigma is such a huge problem for families trying to deal with alcoholism. High five to you as well for your great work that will help many children better understand their situation and have better skills to cope. This is a problem that affects all of us and we all need to pitch in and try and make a difference. Take care.
It’s all well & good to focus on & blame the victim (the substance abuser, not the child), but this isn’t actually helpful.
“Everybody hurts”, as REM said in their great song. The issue is how we cope with our pain. To imply that alcoholics ought to be able to “clean it up” is as infantile as saying that to ANY ADDICT. I can point to obese people & state, “stop eating carbs” & they will be aghast, “I can’t give up (starch/rice/bread, etc)”– just like a good addict.
There ought to be a lot more sympathy towards the addict than there is. In Norway, they attempt to turn around their addicts in jail with help & support. In the USA? Shame, shame, shame. If you think addiction hurts kids, have a look at the addicted adults. They’re miserable.
If you want a lasting fix, support– don’t shame & estrange addicts of any sort. The opposite of addiction is NOT sobriety: it’s connection: