Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. ~ Rumi
A reader wrote a question to Treatment Talk. Let’s ask the experts and see their thoughts on the question that has plagued many families with alcoholic or addictive children.
“When an adult child recognizes that he has a problem with alcohol–even has called himself an alcoholic but refuses any help–are there things that we, as the parents, can do to bring the adult child closer to getting help?
Are there things to avoid saying/doing? Is there anything that really has made a difference to the user who knows there is a problem but thinks he can handle it by himself–but can’t?”
Libby Cataldi, author of Stay Close wrote…
For my response, I offer this:
“I can only share what worked for my son who admitted that he was a heroin addict and had problems, but who was convinced (for many years) he could handle things himself.
He says now, “Only when the consequences of my addiction got so severe did I make a decision to change. I knew I would die.”
As his mom, the best thing I did was to “Stay Close” and that meant I loved him, never abandoned him, but did not enable him by giving him money, fixing his problems or getting involved in his issues. I answered his calls, told him that he needed to get help and that that he had to find the force inside himself. Jeff says that getting clean was a very personal decision and one he had to make for himself and not for his family or loved ones.
Only in the presence of compassion can people allow themselves to see the truth. ~ Dr. Gabor Mate
Joe Herzanek, founder of Changing Lives Foundation, and author of Why Don’t They Just Quit? wrote…
There can be many variables with this question but let me give it a try. First of all, regardless of the age, most know that stopping substance use and abuse is going to be difficult. It means making many changes and most of us resist change. It’s the same for a person who has found themselves in a bad (very bad) marriage. Those who know the person can see how the relationship has deteriorated and so can the person–but they delay facing the inevitable. Why? Fear of the unknown.So it is with the addict. They often know, but fear of the unknown will keep them stuck. The “unknown” for the addict is–trying to imagine life without drugs and also everything AND everybody that goes along with it.
What can family members or friends do about the addiction? The better question might be, what can they stop doing? Often the family will buy into the addict’s belief that their situation is unique, different (which means they have a good excuse for being the way they are). Going one step further, the addict now may believe and have those close to him believe that it’s something “outside of him” that is to blame.
The family needs to become educated on this topic and then move toward using some tough love. No rescuing, loaning money, bonding out of jail, paying utilities. Allow the consequences to do the work they are meant to do. Pain is a wonderful teacher. The addict will need to learn some lessons the hard way.
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What are some questions regarding addiction that you would like answered? What you think parents should do? Let us know in comments. If you liked this post, please share on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Thank you!
To be short and sweet about it, I always suggest The Big 3:
1) Confront the problem.
2) Set Limits (such as the feedback already about not enabling financially, etc…).
3) Seek your own support (such as Alanon, CoDa meetings).
Nothing is this simple but by structuring yourself within these guidlines, the person with the active addiction will naturally feel the consequences he/she has been avoiding and not feeling. Bringing in a 3rd party, such as a licensed professional, can help contain this structure, provide a gauge on progress, and hold the whole family accountable.
Great suggestions, David. Thanks!
Dr. Gabor Mate says, “Only in the presence of compassion can people allow themselves to see the truth.” This is so powerful…but then so is the entire post and very helpful. Your work is so needed.
Thanks Tess for the beautiful quote. My hope is that words from people who have come through addiction can be helpful to
those that are still struggling.
Your words are so wise–things we all know –but reminders in “black and white” can be reassuring .
Many thanks for sharing your insights.
We can never have too many reminders and hopefully help from those that have been there will make a difference. Thanks for your comment, Robyn.
We have twin sons, age 18, who are addicts. Before they turned 18, we wrote a contract letting them know what our expectations would be. They signed it, and did not abide by it. Because their behavior was becoming increasingly aggressive, we sought a restraining order and they were on their own for five months. We brought them home and they agreed to work on their GED, go to counseling, Celebrate Recovery meetings, stay clean, blah, blah, blah. Of course, it was all a sham and they are out on their own again. They were doing drugs in our home, and the final straw came when they invited their drug dealer to a party in our home while we were at work.
We are practicing tough love, and have told them to contact us when they are ready to work a program.
We have heard good things about Teen Challenge.
I was feeling peace with our decision until I read Stay Near, and am wondering if that concept would work in our case. Both of our sons are highly manipulative, especially when it comes to working mom. I have a difficult time staying strong.
I am interested in your thoughts. I just found this support group and it is a Godsend. Thank you
Hi Mary,
Support groups can be very helpful, so I’m glad you found one that works for you. You sound like you are doing the right thing. In my opinion, set your boundaries, and then do your best to hold to them. I know it is very difficult, especially for moms, but a support group helps, or if you feel the need, find a therapist to talk to as well. My best to you and thanks for your comment.