My heart goes out to parents at the beginning of this journey who hear terms like detach with love as their children struggle with alcohol or other drug use disorders.
They are in deep pain while feeling frustrated, scared, and angry about the situation they find themselves in.
They are facing so much new information with new terminology such as codependent, enabler, hit rock bottom, detach from love, powerlessness, and more. Ultimately, parents are just trying to get their children to live healthier lives. These terms can be confusing and shaming for a parent trying to get their child to stop using substances and get on a better path.
The fact is that those terms are not helpful and can make you feel hopeless. They may make you feel that you are now the problem because you are codependent or an enabler.
These terms add to a person’s stigma and shame as they watch their child spiral deeper into substance use problems.
Detach with love
As a parent, we’ve raised our children since birth. We watched their first attempts at crawling and then learning to walk. We held their hand as they walked into the classroom for the first time as kindergartners. Our afternoons and weekends were spent as their taxi drivers taking them to swimming, soccer, or gymnastics class. Birthday cakes were baked, and we hosted sleepovers. We then watched them come into their own in middle school and high school.
Somewhere along the line, they got off track. It could have started due to peer pressure or a sports injury. They may not have felt good about themselves because they have a mental health disorder or a learning disability. Their dad may not have been in their life, which left a hole in their heart. There are many variations of reasons why our children turn to substance use.
And now we are being told to detach or turn our backs on our kids. Addiction is stressful enough.
The idea of letting our kids go adds to the stress and will leave your child without support. How can we help them if we aren’t talking to them or having little or no contact? And yet that is what the popular wisdom is telling us to do.
A better approach is to stay close and continue having positive conversations. That doesn’t mean you are supporting their substance use. You can continue to engage with your child and support their recovery.
What is an enabler?
The word enabler is often used to describe family members trying to help their loved ones get sober or change their life.
Enabling is when you are doing things that support substance use. For example, some parents give their children money that is being used to buy drugs or alcohol. Parents may call their child’s boss and make an excuse for why they can’t come to work.
But you can be nice to your child and notice what they are doing well. That is not enabling; instead, it is encouraging their recovery.
It’s challenging when they stay out late or come home high, yet we miss opportunities when we don’t notice what they are doing well.
Another thing to keep in mind is to follow through on boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard for any parent as we don’t want to watch our child suffer. Yet when we give in and don’t follow through with consequences, our kids lose respect for us, and we probably lose respect for ourselves.
The popular advice that your child needs to “hit rock bottom.”
Any parent trying to help a child struggling with substance use has heard that you must let your child hit rock bottom.
Yet, with over 100,000 overdoses a year, I encourage you to rethink this advice.
One mom I talked with had been told to let her son go. She didn’t feel good about it, listened to her instincts, and went to pick him up. He was in a homeless shelter in very bad shape. She is grateful she listened to her instincts as she feels her son may not have made it if she had not intervened.
There is no evidence that letting our kids hit rock bottom works. There is never a good reason to do that. Maybe it has worked for some people, but I cannot imagine how many people it did not work for. How many people did we lose based on that advice?
While the “tough love” method may work for some families, this is only a short-term solution. There are many other cases of people going downhill when left alone or never moving past rock bottom. Families may find that the tough love method has only made the problem worse. When your child is left on their own, depression or even suicidal thoughts may surface as they feel rejected by their family on top of struggling with substance use.
Powerlessness can be hopelessness
I can’t think of any other problem where people are told that the solution involves giving up their power before they can change. It seems like the opposite is true. We can help our kids and feel good about our efforts if we are empowered. Our kids will feel better about themselves with our support as they are given opportunities to build their internal strength and can rise above their substance use problem.
People who experience success are not powerless. They are powerful. When we gain knowledge about ourselves and our strengths, we become self-empowerment and can make choices for our life.
In contrast, a powerless person can begin to feel that he is a victim who can only passively accept the consequences of his dependence.
Psychologist Martin Seligman, one of the founding fathers of modern positive psychology, discovered that powerlessness could lead to a condition called “learned helplessness.”
Empowerment promotes health and wellness in ourselves and our children.
If you are new to supporting your child’s positive change, use critical thinking when faced with the traditional “wisdom.” The terms you hear, such as detach with love and many others, may be new to you, but other, more evidence-based terms can be more helpful and lead to the positive change and small successes you and your child both want.
Take it slowly with baby steps. Do what you can for today. Be kind to yourself so that you can stay resilient. You do not, nor can you expect yourself to, have all of the answers to what happens next. To help support you and your child in taking the next steps, my book, The Compassion Antidote, will help answer many questions you are likely facing.
And finally, know there is hope for your child. Millions are in recovery. Your child can be there too!
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