The DO’s

That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change.  But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. ~ Chinese proverb

When you realize a family member or friend needs help with an addiction, many of us go into crisis mode.

How do you get help, who should you talk to, and basically what should you do?

That is where The Do’s from Al-Anon can be helpful.

When I first joined Al-Anon, I wasn’t sure what this part of Al-Anon was all about, and I wasn’t sure  I wanted to be a part of it.  I see now that these slogans and sayings can be a guide. One example is the Do’s.

DO FORGIVE

The anger for me came when I was so unclear and frustrated about how addiction was taking hold on our family.  Once I realized what the problem was, I was devastated, scared, and overwhelmed.  As time went on, I was better equipped to cope with the situation.  Learning that addiction is a disease leads you towards forgiveness.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

It’s so easy to tell yourself what you want to hear — I believe that could be called denial. I know I’ve been there.  The signs were clear — at times headlights blinding me — yet I could not see them, or rather chose not to.  Honesty has also come with realizing I had a role to play in our families’ addiction.  I did not cause it, but there are things I now know I would have done differently.

BE HUMBLE

Addiction brings you to your knees.  It has taken me down to a place I never dreamed I would go, and I definitely resented being there.  I am back, but I am in a different place, and a changed person.  I will never forget where I’ve been, and what active addiction of a family member has taught me.

TAKE IT EASY — TENSION IS HARMFUL

Allowing stress and tension to control you doesn’t do you, or anyone around you any good. For me, yoga and meditation have been a welcome addition to my life and an outlet to relieve the stress. Other ways to relieve tension are exercise, deep breathing, letting go of trying to control the addiction, and living in the present moment.

PLAY

That was a hard one for me at first. How could I be having a good time when my child was dealing with addiction.  Part of detachment is being happy regardless of what others are doing. We each live our own lives, and playing and enjoying your life is important.  It may also improve the situation when your qualifier realizes they are not the center of your constant attention.

KEEP ON TRYING

This is basic good advice for life in general.  How many times has failure brought you that much closer to success?

LEARN ALL THE FACTS ABOUT ALCOHOLISM

Two of my favorite sources of information are Addictive Thinking: Understand Self-Deception, by Abraham J. Twerski, which was the first book I ever read on the subject.  The second is the HBO Addiction video series that thoroughly explains addiction.  Many of us find reading other people’s stories gives us a real insight on addiction, and many of the books that are helpful are listed on the Resource page.  There are also many websites and a wealth of information available.

ATTEND AL-ANON MEETINGS OFTEN

For me, Al-Anon has been an unbeatable resource.  It feels like a family group where I can share what is in my heart and on my mind, as well as listen and learn from the others in the room.  You will receive unconditional support from people who know what you are going through.  A suggestion I’ve heard several times is to attend six meetings.  Try different ones to see if Al-Anon is right for you, and then you can decide.  The link is on the Resource page.

PRAY

Prayer can be interrupted in many different ways.  This may be one of the main misconceptions about Al-Anon.  It is not a religious program. As one women said, “I waited five years to come to Al-Anon even though I needed it because I thought it was a religious program.” Praying to the God of your choice can be one interpretation, meditation could be another.  Leaving prayer out completely can a third.  It’s up to you.

So there you have the Do’s from Al-Anon. Read about the Don’ts here.  One last piece that I like about Al-Anon is that what works for me I use, and I leave the rest.

Has Al-Anon worked for you? What other parent support groups have helped you cope? Let us know in comments.

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