This is a guest post by teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck about teenage bullying.
As a mother of two girls, a mentor, and a victim of teenage bullying, I’m glad to see that teenage bullying is finally being taken seriously.
Victims of teenage bullying can experience stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, depression, self-harm, insomnia, and a higher risk of suicide… And many, both the bullies and the victims, turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with their pain. Some children, younger than teenagers, have even taken weapons to school, including guns, to protect themselves from being bullied.
But I’m afraid it isn’t enough to simply take a stand against teenage bullies. Standing up to a bully isn’t hard when everyone is standing with you, we need to learn to stand with them, and try to understand how things went wrong for them. We need to help them.
No one is born a bully. The people we think of as bullies are as much victims as the people they hurt. Bullying is a state of mind, of cruelty, not a disease or sickness that falls out of the sky.
The Definition of Bullying
Before we go any further, let’s define bullying, so we’re all on the same page.
Bullying is repeatedly:
- Attacking someone physically, hitting, or shoving.
- Attacking someone verbally, name-calling, or inappropriately teasing.
- Gossiping or spreading rumors.
- Shunning or ignoring someone with the intent to hurt them.
- Manipulating a person or people to do any of these things for you.
If a person is engaging in one or more of these behaviors, then they are being a bully. If we’re going to be honest about this problem, then we need to acknowledge that teenage bullies are only half of the problem. What’s the other half? It’s us, the adults.
“What, us?” you might be thinking. Yes, us. Reread the bullying behaviors above and tell me that you don’t know an adult who doesn’t do one or more of these things.
This is the harsh truth for us, as the guardians of our children, to face. That some of us may be a part of the problem. That teenage bullying isn’t the only problem or even the base of the problem. Adult bullying is a key component of perpetuating bullying behaviors and mindsets. And unfortunately, parents bullying their children (even if unintentional) can turn their children into bullies.
What is Behind Bullying?
Bullying is usually one of two things.
First, it’s either a defense mechanism, an “If I hurt you first you can’t hurt me,” behavior… Or second, it’s a learned behavior, in how we deal with people who do not meet our expectations. We punish someone for not fitting into the mold of what we want, whether it’s how they respond to us, their life choices, how they dress, etc. And it almost always starts at home.
What do I mean by this?
Children who are subjected to corporal punishment (spanking), or are physically abused, are far more likely to be aggressive with their peers. The parents pass it on from their childhood… In turn, they hit their kids… And then their kids hit someone else…
That’s just what the authorities tell us about physical abuse. But what about verbal abuse, gossiping, teasing, or manipulating? Could they come from a similar place?
It’s not fair to completely blame parents if their child displays bullying behaviors. Equally important, t’s not always so simple to say that every bully who hits a kid has been hit by their parents.
Where Does the Behavior Start?
The behavior has to come from somewhere, and we need to recognize that.
As I said in my recent article “Guiding Your Out of Control Teen”, healthy well-balanced individuals don’t hurt themselves or other people. In like manner, if you feel the need to hurt somebody, that need is an expression of your own internal pain, disappointment, fear, or frustration. Addressing those emotions is the first step in helping a person stop being a bully.
What You Can Do
If you see someone being a bully, try to talk to them. Ask them what they’re feeling at that moment. Why did they feel the need to do what they did? Ask them if they realize they were causing somebody else pain.
When you feel the need to bully, ask yourself the same questions. Rather than reacting, stop, and reflect and choose how to respond. Often for parents, it’s because we’re burnt out and lost. We have immersed ourselves so far into the role of parenting, that we don’t know how to surface for air, step outside of the role, and love ourselves!
The more open, honest, non-judgemental and empathetic questions you can ask, the quicker you can get to the root of your behavior, and your child’s behavior, and help them examine themselves (as well as ourselves) to bring about a real positive change in both you and your child’s lives.
What do you think about teen bullying? Where you ever bullied during the teen years? Share your thoughts in comments.
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Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self-esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their teens mature with pride and confidence. Debra has helped thousands of teenagers with their self-esteem. Her award-winning book, “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
