This is a guest post by teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck about teenage bullying.
As a mother of two girls, a mentor, and a victim of teenage bullying, I’m glad to see that teenage bullying is finally being taken seriously.
Victims of teenage bullying can experience stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, depression, self-harm, insomnia, and a higher risk of suicide… And many, both the bullies and the victims, turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with their pain. Some children, younger than teenagers, have even taken weapons to school, including guns, to protect themselves from being bullied.
But I’m afraid it isn’t enough to simply take a stand against teenage bullies. Standing up to a bully isn’t hard when everyone is standing with you, we need to learn to stand with them, and try to understand how things went wrong for them. We need to help them.
No one is born a bully. The people we think of as bullies are as much victims as the people they hurt. Bullying is a state of mind, of cruelty, not a disease or sickness that falls out of the sky.
The Definition of Bullying
Before we go any further, let’s define bullying, so we’re all on the same page.
Bullying is repeatedly:
- Attacking someone physically, hitting, or shoving.
- Attacking someone verbally, name-calling, or inappropriately teasing.
- Gossiping or spreading rumors.
- Shunning or ignoring someone with the intent to hurt them.
- Manipulating a person or people to do any of these things for you.
If a person is engaging in one or more of these behaviors, then they are being a bully. If we’re going to be honest about this problem, then we need to acknowledge that teenage bullies are only half of the problem. What’s the other half? It’s us, the adults.
“What, us?” you might be thinking. Yes, us. Reread the bullying behaviors above and tell me that you don’t know an adult who doesn’t do one or more of these things.
This is the harsh truth for us, as the guardians of our children, to face. That some of us may be a part of the problem. That teenage bullying isn’t the only problem or even the base of the problem. Adult bullying is a key component of perpetuating bullying behaviors and mindsets. And unfortunately, parents bullying their children (even if unintentional) can turn their children into bullies.
What is Behind Bullying?
Bullying is usually one of two things.
First, it’s either a defense mechanism, an “If I hurt you first you can’t hurt me,” behavior… Or second, it’s a learned behavior, in how we deal with people who do not meet our expectations. We punish someone for not fitting into the mold of what we want, whether it’s how they respond to us, their life choices, how they dress, etc. And it almost always starts at home.
What do I mean by this?
Children who are subjected to corporal punishment (spanking), or are physically abused, are far more likely to be aggressive with their peers. The parents pass it on from their childhood… In turn, they hit their kids… And then their kids hit someone else…
That’s just what the authorities tell us about physical abuse. But what about verbal abuse, gossiping, teasing, or manipulating? Could they come from a similar place?
It’s not fair to completely blame parents if their child displays bullying behaviors. Equally important, t’s not always so simple to say that every bully who hits a kid has been hit by their parents.
Where Does the Behavior Start?
The behavior has to come from somewhere, and we need to recognize that.
As I said in my recent article “Guiding Your Out of Control Teen”, healthy well-balanced individuals don’t hurt themselves or other people. In like manner, if you feel the need to hurt somebody, that need is an expression of your own internal pain, disappointment, fear, or frustration. Addressing those emotions is the first step in helping a person stop being a bully.
What You Can Do
If you see someone being a bully, try to talk to them. Ask them what they’re feeling at that moment. Why did they feel the need to do what they did? Ask them if they realize they were causing somebody else pain.
When you feel the need to bully, ask yourself the same questions. Rather than reacting, stop, and reflect and choose how to respond. Often for parents, it’s because we’re burnt out and lost. We have immersed ourselves so far into the role of parenting, that we don’t know how to surface for air, step outside of the role, and love ourselves!
The more open, honest, non-judgemental and empathetic questions you can ask, the quicker you can get to the root of your behavior, and your child’s behavior, and help them examine themselves (as well as ourselves) to bring about a real positive change in both you and your child’s lives.
What do you think about teen bullying? Where you ever bullied during the teen years? Share your thoughts in comments.
If you like this post, please share it on social media. Thank you!
Teen and parenting mentor Debra Beck has spent over 20 years working with teens and parents, is a devoted mother, sought-after presenter, and author. She has helped thousands of girls develop their self-esteem. She now runs her popular parenting website, EmpoweredTeensandParents.com, encourages girls to be the best “young women” possible, and gives moms and dads the understanding they need to help their teens mature with pride and confidence. Debra has helped thousands of teenagers with their self-esteem. Her award-winning book, “My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out”, has been revised and updated for re-release in September 2011 with Beaufort Books.
That’s true Debra and Cathy!
I feel the root cause of most problems starts from home. Whether it’s kids we are talking about or out young teens, bullying of any kind is bad, though just as you mentioned within the post – parents are no less in bullying their kids, which kids are quick to learn and pass it on.
I guess parents keeping a watch on their actions plays a major role, besides the other things you mentioned. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
As parents it’s so important to pay attention to our behaviors because our kids are watching and learning from us. I’m going to check out Harleena’s post, thank you, Debra
Having gone to school where there was a lot of bullying, I’m glad there’s more awareness and examination of why bullying occurs.
Very intrigued about the bullying behaviors of adults and how the cause bullying behavior in children – only makes sense but I have not seen the link between the two previously. It looks like the root cause of a lot of problems, violence kids may be experiencing or engaging in may actually start from their own families at home. Thanks for this educational post, Debra.
You bet Vishnu, thank you so much for your comment, Debra
Bullying is a sad thing, both for the one doing it and the one at the receiving end. I agree with you about trying to empathize with the bully to get to the root of the behavior, Debra. Every class in school seems to have a bunch of kids who bully in varying degrees. They generally pick on the “softies” in the class – the ones who show the sort of reaction the bully wants to see. My son went through this for a while and then finally discussed it with us at home. I explained to him that the bully is more to be pitied than censured. Name calling and even mild physical shoving and pushing can be quite hurtful. The next time it happened, apparently he asked the bully “Are you happy now? Did it make you feel good to hurt me?” and the boy stepped back looking quite surprised. Well, the bullying stopped. I am glad my son had the courage to ask that question.
Oh yes – parents are as much to blame. When I used to drop my son at school, I would be amazed at the number of parents who screamed at their kids and shoved them along, threatening them and generally making them feel quite miserable as they entered the school. Obviously, venting all their pent up frustration at their kids.
I am heading over to your site.
Thank you, dear Cathy for introducing Debra.
Love, Vidya
It is so important for the bullied to not act like a victim with the bully. Bullies thrive off of the insecurities of kids. I’m really glad your son spoke up too, without violence. Sounds like your a very aware parent, good job, take care, Debra
Great to see this topic being aired more frequently…I’ve even seen it on the telly of late.
” We have immersed ourselves so far into the role of parenting, that we don’t know how to surface for air, step outside of the role, and love ourselves!” – I’ve seen this happen so often…the attempt to be a great parent, worthy as it is, can get out of hand with no regard to the fact that those parents need a little space and love for themselves. Great point.
Thank you Cathy and Debra.
Love Elle
xoxo
We all need to learn to love ourselves or we will project all of our fears and woundedness on to others. Thank you for your comment, Debra
Thank you Debra and Cathy,
I love this article. I have been thinking for quite some time now about how the ‘stand up to bullying’ campaign does not really go far enough to actually solve the problem,. Because as you say, there are reasons why people do it, and they are every bit as miserable as those who get bullied, and maybe more! This is not a widely understood idea. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently!
As a coach of parents of kids in treatment, many of whose kids have been severely bullied and pushed to the brink by it, the idea of actually having compassion for the bully is a tough one. It is however a really important part of the process in understanding the depth of the issue, and truly moving on from it.
Thank you so much for your wonderful insight!
Just realizing that the bully is a tormented and insecure person should help us have compassion for them as well as address the issue from this standpoint, right? Thanks, Debra
Great insights! Many people that are bullies are very hurt themselves. It’s a sad problem for children and can lead to serious self esteem issues. One reason I would never want to be a kid again. Ugghhh I hated to see that kind of thing.
Hi Elizabeth,
It is hard to watch. There are so many reasons that this occurs, and hopefully kids with this issue will get the help they need. Take care.
Timely post, especially given the new study just out on long-term affects on both the bullied and the bully. Modeling respect and kindness at home goes a long way. Thank you for sharing this.
I was a very bullied kid, it actually didn’t stop until I was a sophomore in high school. It was extremely harmful to my self-esteem. Just wondering why people disliked me so much. It wasn’t until I was a bit older that I realized it wasn’t about me, that it was the bullies that had the problem. This isn’t so easy for most kids to realize and not take personally. I also wouldn’t want to be a kid again. Thanks Debra
As with everything we have to remember where it comes from. No its not always the parents fault and laying blame serves no purpose. However, I am a believer we are all a product of our environment..But that may not necessarily be from home. In my day working in child protection I seen a few classrooms that were unhealthy as well!
I totally agree Anita, being in the environment of school with kids is extremely tough, Debra
Oh, this one so touches my heart. When I was young, I got so much of this thing we now call bullying, and the hurt was pushed aside. Then I watched my son go through it. It’s NOT ok and I feel for the bullies as much as the bullied because, as you say, we weren’t born bullies. Thanks for taking a stand!
It is hard for parents to watch when their kids are bullied. There are definite issues on both sides that need to be addressed. Take care.
Thanks so much! I don’t have a teenage girl, but in about 7 yrs I’ll have a teenage boy and knowing how to nip bullying in the bud is VERY helpful! Thanks!
Hi Liz,
Good, it’s always better to be on the front end of these issues. Thanks for stopping by!
I went to a girls school for most of my growing up years. Girls can be vicious! I was certainly the target of bullying behavior and it was very painful. When my daughter was in first grade, she was part of a group that was bullying a boy because of his allergies, and the special accommodations that were necessary to keep him safe. When I found out, I sat her down and told her she was going to be this boy’s new best friend. She had to make a plan every morning for two weeks before school to do three nice things for him, she went to school and did them, and then she came home and added to her list about how to be a good friend to someone. The teacher picked up on this and had the class to projects on how to be a good friend (without naming my daughter or the boy or anyone in particular). The great thing is that my daughter really did become his best friend, and his staunchest defender.
I’m happy to say that when she was older and was the target of bullying, the school took immediate action to address it. I appreciated how well the school took it seriously and responded appropriately.
Important topic!!
I love this Galen. That was a great action to take with your daughter and made a huge impact on her life, obviously.
It’s not a natural desire to cause pain to another person, so the behaviour has to be learned somewhere. Whether it’s at home, or on sports teams, etc. it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we do what we can to stop it so both the bullies and their victims can get back to being just kids again.
Hi Helena,
It isn’t natural, and the more we talk about it openly, the more we can prevent this kind of behavior.
Getting to the root of destructive behaviors is very important. It is a shame that bullying, both by teenagers and adults, is still too common. It is really harmful when a child is being bullied and the teacher in their classroom brushes it aside. Thanks for raising more awareness of this critical subject.
Hi Sheri,
It is important that these issues are addressed at home as well as at school. It needs to be part of the everyday curriculum.
Such a relevant topic! I see bullying online with social media and it’s so sad. Yes, adults! It’s more subtle, but gossiping and name calling is so wrong. So many times, the people doing the bullying are jealous and the poor victims have no clue what hit them. Building self-esteem definitely starts in the home. Acceptance of others starts there too. More awareness and education is helping the problem, I think.
I do believe that bringing awareness to the problem is great, but taking action is critical. If you can do anything at home with your kids or the kids you know. Talk to them. Ask them how they would feel if the tables were turned. Do exercises with them like Galen did.
Excellent post here! Thanks for the insights – I totally agree that the best way to deal with bullying is through awareness and then collaborative action between adults and children. Awareness and acceptance of everyone’s right to be the unique individual they are is key here.
Hi Moira,
We do need to bring awareness to the problem and teach children at an early age the value of kindness. It can make such a difference in the long run.
“If you see someone being a bully, try to talk to them….” Well, years ago, there was this older girl that was bullying my daughter and her friend. After a few days of it, I took the two girls with me, drove to her house and confronted her. Right in front of her Mom. I told them if it ever happened again? Straight to the police I was going. Well…. the issue was solved. The bully was not as powerful when faced with someone bigger than her. She backed down and left these two girls alone. Never again did she bully them. Great story, isn’t it? 🙂
Hi Norma,
Glad you were able to nip the problem in the bud, before it got out of control. Facing the issue head on is so important, so that is wonderful that by you taking action, the problem was solved. It is a great story!
I learned to make friends with the bullies at school. Once you befriended them, they were almost grateful. I see now that they were scared and miserable and didn’t know how to express their need for attention without using force or lashing out. Of course there are some bullies I’m sure that have severe psychological problems and that wouldn’t work, but it did work for me.. I know over the years some of them had difficult homes lives and some didn’t. More difficult for me was the boy bullies.
Hi Aimee,
Great solution to make friends with the bullies at school. Just about everyone responds to kindness and in many cases, that may be just the answer. There is always a story behind the behavior.
Great post Debra and Cathy! And, you’re so right, Debra – it has to come from somewhere. As infants, we are born with the majority of our brain cells – while genetics is a component, a significant piece influencing how a child’s brain wires and therefore their thoughts, feelings and behaviors is their social environment. As you said, if the parents spank or belittle or rage or intimidate in order to “change their child’s behavior,” that’s typically the model the child will adopt to try to get others to do what they need them to do. I also very much agree that raising awareness and helping people understand ALL of this is a key first step.
Hi Lisa,
So true that social environment plays such a big role in behavior. We do need to spread awareness and educate parents and children from an early age. The schools need to be part of this as well.
I love your approach Debbie – what happens within the home is so important. Building up our children’s self esteem will help both the bully and those who are being bullied. Talking and keeping the issues in the open are essential in fighting the battle of the bully.
Thank you Debbie and Cathy.
Hi Carolyn,
The more we talk about these kind of issues, the better the chances that some of this bullying will come to an end. Education at all levels can make such a difference.
You’re right. People including teens pay way more attention to how we act than what we say.
This is very thought-provoking, especially when you enlarge the playing field to include adults who are doing some of these behaviors. Bullies are acting out from unmet needs and what you say makes sense.
Hi,
A good way to stop cyber bullying is to install Copy9 from http://copy9.org. You can download it for free and once installed, you can view all activity on your child’s mobile and / or tablet. Not only that, you can tell where they are at any given moment! (Very handy).
50% of teens will have some sort of cyber bullying problem in their life and a further 25% deal with it on a long term basis.
As a parent, it is up to us to protect our kids from bullying and this is one weapon we can use to fight it.
I hope this helps should anyone suspect that their child may have a problem.
Hi Daniel,
I appreciate you sharing the information about Copy9! That sounds very helpful for parents of tweens and teens who want to monitor their child’s online activities. The internet is a wonderful tool, but the downside is the cyber bullying that some kids have to endure. Thanks so much for stopping by!
My daughter is being bullied at school and I am at my wits end. I have spoken to her with the principal and the school counselor and social worker to no avail. HUHHHHHHHH!
That is a tough one, Aline. I hope you can find some resolution for your daughter. That is very unfortunate that the professionals are not stepping up. I wish you the best in getting it solved.