Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. ~ Corrie Ten Boom
Do you find yourself worrying about your child?
Does your worry take up most of your waking hours?
As a parent, one of the most frightening experiences was thinking about what was going to happen next when my kids were not making the best choices.
It filled me with sadness, fear, worry, and stress.
Every day, I faced the panic of that phone call that might change my life forever.
Whether you are dealing with your child’s drug or alcohol use, recovery, or relapse, it can be a scary place to be as a parent.
There’s no easy answer to substance use.
Like many of you, I tried just about everything. Nothing works every time, because every situation is different.
Some say to detach with love. Some say to let go. Some say to stay close and interact with your child with kindness and compassion.
Finally, I realized that I needed to look at all my options and choose the path that felt right.
Here are some ideas that helped me along the way.
Be kind.
While the urge to be angry, resentful, and walk away may be understandable, kindness and compassion can make a difference in family healing. Just understanding that your child is suffering can help get you through those times that feel stressful, scary, and frustrating.
I went through many emotions when dealing the drug use in our family. I like the idea of being kind to my kids no matter what their situation because my kids respond in a better way. They can listen and take in more of what I am saying to them. So while it is essential to think about yourself during this stressful time, think too about your child’s pain, and know that your patient, loving interactions can make a difference.
Build up your inner toughness.
The ability to recover quickly from the difficulties you are facing will help you when you are struggling with your child’s bad habits. Having a tough inner core will allow you to bounce back more quickly. I was in denial for years before I realized the full scope of substance use in my family.
Once the situation was clear, I pulled myself together and took action. While everything I tried didn’t work right away, the more I learned about addiction, the easier it was to make effective decisions. So don’t let yourself get beaten down. Stand firm and find your power.
Rather than worry, give it time.
There are many different options when it comes to healing drug and alcohol use. I know for one of my kids, he just needed time to see the light. The intervention, therapy, and continual dialog had a positive impact, but not on my time table. I realized after some time that he was making progress in living a healthier life on his terms.
So while it’s hard to watch your child make slow changes, find your patience and know that as your child heads in a better direction, time is on your side, even if it feels like it’s taking longer than you had hoped. Notice and acknowledge each milestone, no matter how small.
Reach out to others.
While it may feel more comfortable to isolate because of your child’s substance use, know that this is not helpful. It can increase your depression, anxiety, and stress. Talk to someone who has had a similar experience. They can be an emotional boost for you. Filter their suggestions and use what feels right for your situation.
When I was struggling, I reached out to a friend who had sent her daughter to a rehab. Second I reached out to two friends who were both therapists. Finally, I reached out to my larger group of friends and family. It wasn’t always easy. At times, it wasn’t very comfortable, but each time I repeated the story, I felt stronger. So don’t isolate. Reach to others who can help you feel better and heal.
Do something for yourself.
Your child’s drug or alcohol abuse will feel overwhelming at times. The worry can become overwhelming. When you take care of yourself, it helps you as well as your child. I started walking more and even went back to running again. I took up yoga and played tennis.
Being active takes your mind away from worry. You can let go of the problems that you are struggling with for that moment in time. It’s healing to take a break from worry. It takes time before your child is in a better place. Take care of yourself along the way, so that you remain healthy.
There is no perfect solution to your child’s substance use. Some days will be better than others. If you work on yourself first, life improves. Don’t let your child’s addiction destroy you. You can feel happier and worry less, no matter what others around you are doing.
Muster up the courage to move forward and embrace your life no matter what is happening on the sidelines.
Thanks for reading!
[This article was updated September 19, 2020.]
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Hey Matt, Welcome. Glad you like the quote. Thank you for stopping by!
Thank you for sharing the things that helped you while you were struggling. It all makes sense and I am trying to use these ideas. It is SO hard but I have to do something different to cope.
Hi Jeri,
Welcome! It all takes practice, but if you find that you are in a continual negative cycle, it helps to find some new strategies. Do take care of yourself, as that can be the place to start. It begins the healing process. Hugs and thanks for stopping by.
Thank you …..I love the reminder – Be Nice! It is difficult to do, but they respond sooooo much better!
Welcome Celeste! Glad you agree and that kindness has worked for you. Take care.
One of my favorite quotes!! Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. ~ Corrie Ten Boom
So true! Thanks for this!
I love it as well and felt it was perfect for this post. Thanks for stopping by Melissa!
Wow Cathy – you really summed it up nicely here. The “Be Kind” advice really hits home for me. Once it was clear that our son had a disease, and we learned about that disease, all my anger and frustration diffused. Now I am mostly sad for my boy. My heart breaks for all the kids (and adults) who abuse alcohol and drugs because I know they are struggling and self-medicating. My son certainly didn’t ask to have this disease and I know from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes that he didn’t choose it either. I believe that when he is active in his using, it is because he has been “kidnapped” by his disease again. He works hard at his recovery, but it is a powerful disease and relapse is definitely part of the disease, as they say.
Thanks again Cathy for your wisdom.
Worry is such a waste of your time and energy. I know this, but I’m a natural worrier. As you suggest, you have to divert your attention and do something else. I do not allow myself to indulge in it. I find arguing with my thoughts helps.
I haven’t been in this situation, but I’m sure it’s very tough. I like the approach of empathy. It seems to open doors and possibilities in many different types of difficult situations.
Empathy is so important when trying to deal with drug or alcohol misuse. Parents as well as their kids need compassionate people around them to offer support and understanding. I’m glad that you have not been in this situation. Thanks for stopping by!
There is so much wisdom here, Cathy. Not only will it help one make it through a child’s (or other family member’s) active addiction and/or early recovery, but it will also help people stay centered in self-care, which is so important and something so easy to forgo, once “everything’s alright.” Yet without it, it’s easy to fall back into old codependent behavioral patterns even though there’s no active addiction and/or recovery is well on its way. Thanks for all you do – parents struggling with a child’s substance use will gain so much from working with you.
Thank you Lisa. Staying centered on self-care is key. As you know we all need to be vigilant when it comes to doing the work that will help our families heal. I appreciate your insights! Take care.