Is Forgiveness Possible?

Does the idea of forgiveness sound challenging to you?

Would you like to learn more about why it could be helpful?

It can be hard to forgive your child for the damage caused by their substance use.

An apology is always lovely to hear.

It can help wipe the slate clean so that you can move on.

When I look back at the twelve years my child has been in recovery, I’m not sure I remember a clear apology from her.

We did our regrets and requests at our treatment center’s parent weekend. She mentioned her feelings then. She said she didn’t want her mom to cry anymore about her drug use. That was nice to hear that she cared about my feelings.

But I don’t ever remember hearing a clear, “I’m sorry.” If I did, it wasn’t memorable.

However, what has been memorable is seeing how she lives her life now.

Recently I’ve talked to a few moms who are feeling impatient.

Their child is in early recovery. Their child has not apologized.

“We’ve done so much for him. We’ve put up with the drug use, lying, sleepless nights, worry, and chaos. He is finally in early recovery. Where is the apology? I’m waiting for him to tell me he’s sorry,” said one mom who had struggled with her son’s addiction for years.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a tricky thing.

Forgiving your child can be challenging, especially when there is no apology.

On top of that, you may still be having trouble forgiving yourself.

There is plenty of blame to go around when dealing with addiction.

But there never seems to be enough forgiveness.

Whether you get an apology or not, if your child stays on their path to recovery, forgiving him may not be the most challenging part.

Forgiving yourself is where you may struggle. 

Underneath it all, you know there is a payoff for not forgiving.

You can allow yourself to feel miserable and blame it on others.

Subconsciously, you may want others to take responsibility for your happiness.

A study at the University of Wisconsin found that the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. Less forgiving people reported a higher number of health problems.

Research conducted by Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University found that people who are taught how to forgive become less angry, less hurt, and more optimistic. They are more forgiving in a variety of situations. They also are more compassionate and self-confident. Dr. Luskin’s study showed a reduction in the experience of stress, physical manifestations of stress, and an increase in vitality.

“I Hereby Forgive”

Forgiveness is taught in most religions. In Judaism, according to Dalia Marx in her article, “Wrestling with Forgiveness,” the poem “I Hereby Forgive” was added to the beginning of the Bedtime Sh’ma, a prayer recited before going to sleep.

I hereby forgive anyone 
who angered or annoyed me
or who sinned against me,
whether against my body, my property,
my honor, or anything of mine;
whether they did so unwillingly,
willfully, carelessly, or deliberately;
whether through speech or action…
And may no one be punished
on my account.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc to one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that hatred and ill feelings will leave a lasting effect on our mental karma.

For our kids, forgiveness can be hard.

The pain is overwhelming. The shame is crippling. Time may be what is needed before an apology can come forth.

When you see your healthier child’s pink cheeks and sparkling eyes, feel gratitude. When you see their smile and their sense of hope return, allow your forgiveness to flow.

It is important to forgive your struggling child for the pain they have caused you. It is also important to forgive yourself.

Permit yourself to let go of the guilt you feel for all your mistakes. Once you forgive yourself, you’ll be lighter and more capable of transformation.

It will make it that much easier to forgive your child.

It would be nice to get an explicit apology from our kids early in recovery. Some tell their parents how sorry they are for the misery they caused them. Others need to wait until they are ready.

Timing is everything when it comes to apologies and forgiveness.

According to Chuck Fenigstein, an addiction counselor at The Sundance Center in Arizona,

“When you’re asking for forgiveness, it’s for you; it’s not to get it from the other person — that’s the core. While timing is important — asking for forgiveness too early or too late can hurt people even more — “you’re doing this for you so that you can clean up the past and learn from it and not have to live there.”

Sometimes our kids send letters from their treatment center. Words of apology are said that sounds sincere. And sometimes they are. Other times they have been expressed too soon.

My daughter will never forget the past. Neither will I. Her drug use was one of the most challenging times in our lives.

And yet, I’m okay without an apology. My daughter has expressed her regrets in other ways. I have what I need.

While there are still moments when I struggle to forgive myself, I forgive my daughter.

I know to forgive her will set me free.

Whether your child has given you a clear apology or not, live each day to the best of your ability. Choose to lift yourself but also family and friends as well.

You will begin to understand the power of forgiveness in your life.

So, I hope an apology does come from your child if you are still waiting one day.

It may come. Or it may not. Either way, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your child.

The best apology you can hope to receive is your child’s changed behavior.

That will be the sincerest apology of all.

This article was updated in June 2022.

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My book The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use answers some of the questions you may have on how to help your child change.