This is a guest post from parent advocate Jan Rao, Executive Director of “Willows in the Wind.”
I was recently asked to list 5 to 10 things parents can do when their children are in middle and high school to prevent substance use. I polled our directors for their opinions. All of us have traveled the road with our teens to Wilderness, then to Therapeutic Boarding School, and then back to our homes.
Our teens are now young adults and have moved on to living their own very independent lives, I am happy to say. All of us have learned quite a lot in the process, but the biggest single lesson that we have all learned, and I steal this phrase from a therapist who has also become a valued friend, is that “we must ‘behave’ our way to good parenting.“
We cannot expect our teens to respect us or listen to anything we have to say unless we model good behavior.
What does “good behavior” mean?
It means:
- Being respectful in any situation.
- Lowering our voices as they raise theirs.
- Being consistent with what we are asking.
- Controlling our own emotions even when we want to scream.
- Holding to the limits that we have set.
I agree with the previous author on this subject. I do not believe we can prevent substance use. Someone once told me that some kids, no matter what we do, will still sneak out that window. We can only do our best.
However, take heart in knowing that when you establish a good family relationship, they may still sneak out the window, but eventually, they will come back through it again.
1. The best deterrent to drugs and alcohol is “parents”.
We must acknowledge and recognize our children. To really get to know our children, we must take the time to be with them and notice what they do, what they say, what they struggle with, and what they achieve.
Acknowledging means taking the time to “notice.” Getting an “A” on a difficult math test will mean very little until we convey that we recognize their effort.
2. Set limits, set limits, set limits.
They need help setting personal boundaries.
Depending on the issue for your child, ask yourself whether it crosses the line. Extreme behaviors of any kind can set the stage for substance use later on.
If it’s cell phone use, set limits at home. Cell phones must be turned off during dinner (for everyone). Turn off cell phones and put them away in a common area at a set time every night. (This is for everyone).
No one sleeps with their cell phone. If curfew is a problem, set a time to be home on school nights and on the weekends. If curfew is abused, there has to be a reasonable consequence that is understood ahead of time. Set boundaries and, most of all, stick to them!
3. Know your children’s friends and make it a point to meet the parents.
If a party is happening at a friend’s house, call the parent and make sure an adult will be home and present…
4. Open up your house as a safe place for your kid’s friends to come for studying or just hanging out.
Start a small monthly or weekly parenting group. Invite them to your home or go out for a bite together. Collaborate on how you can help each other out, and share concerns and successes about parenting without sharing personal information about your teen. Trade ideas: what’s worked and what hasn’t. Discuss boundary setting, and collectively what you all would like to see for your kids. It takes a village! Talk to one another, and most of all, don’t be afraid to “parent”.
5. Talk about drugs and alcohol as a matter of fact.
It’s in our society and surrounds our kids every day. Saying no isn’t enough because too many kids can’t see the consequences of crossing that line. We must talk about the effects of experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and we must choose a receptive moment when they are willing to talk with us about this subject. Because we are adults, our job first and foremost is to keep our kids safe, so we must also send a clear message that we see things differently at times.
We must let it be known that the most important thing is their safety, so there is to be no drinking/drugs and driving, and they are never to get into a car with someone that has been drinking or using drugs.
Have them call home for a ride or take a cab, but convey that their life is more important than anything else and that, in your home, safety comes first.
With an extensive business background of over forty years, Jan Rao and her husband have managed their own sales and marketing firm since 1979. As a parent of a therapeutic boarding school graduate, she founded “Willows In The Wind” in 2007. Willows is a nonprofit organization that serves parents who place their teens in the wilderness and therapeutic boarding schools.
