This is a guest post by Carolyn Hughes.
It started with a glass wine. It was only a matter of time before I couldn’t get through day without a drink. Now 13 years sober, I can offer some insight into how my addiction got so bad it nearly killed me.
The start of my drinking seemed innocent enough. Like many teenagers, my first drink was a simple glass of wine at a friend’s house. The end of my drinking however was near fatal. I needed a litre of vodka, one litre of wine and several cans to make it through the day. So how did it get so bad?
Firstly, I loved the sensation of alcohol. It made me feel relaxed, confident, attractive, worthwhile and invincible. It gave me everything I wanted and more, because crucially it dulled my emotions and helped me manage my past. My mother had abandoned me at the age three. When I later tried to find her I learnt she had told everyone I had been killed in a car crash.
She had left me in the hands of my father, a cruel man who neglected and abused as I grew up. Consequently I became depressed and isolated with a complete lack of self belief. Alcohol seemed like the answer to everything. Once I had experienced it I never wanted to be without it.
Owing to the fact that I was using drink as a way to heal my pain, I assumed that once I could forget the horrors of the past I would be able to stop drinking. Like most addicts I always thought I was in control. I never intended or imagined that it would be the alcohol in control of me. Believing I could ‘take it or leave it’ I would go out with friends with every intention of just having one drink.
But just one shot of alcohol lowered my defenses and so I would take another and another. It was as if I had no ‘off button’. I needed it so badly I put that idea to the back of my mind. What I didn’t realize was that by using a drug so regularly at a young age that my social development was arrested. I never learnt how to relax or socialize naturally without the assistance of a drink. It was just a matter to time before I was completely dependent on alcohol both physically and psychologically to manage everyday life.
A fundamental element of addiction is that whatever you are using, you quickly start to need increasing amounts to achieve the same effect. It amazed me at how tolerant I was to huge amounts of alcohol. It barely seemed to touch me. Eventually it stopped numbing my pain. There was no longer a buzz, but I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop.
Despite promising myself and others that I would cut back or quit, the reality was that once the addiction had taken hold it wasn’t a matter of will power or self-control. This was something that people couldn’t understand. I was beginning to lose everything — my work, my car, my home, my friends. Why would I keep doing something so self-destructive? The answer was denial.
On the outside, I was an intelligent woman with everything going for me. Yet on the inside I was a mass of insecurities and fear but in my mind drink helped me to be a ‘normal’ person. As my life became increasingly chaotic, so I became more dependent on alcohol to get through the day.
I was in such complete denial that I was abusing alcohol that I genuinely didn’t see it as part of the problem. Denial also reassured me that ‘it wasn’t as bad as all that‘ despite that fact that I was tired all the time, vomiting blood, my whole body ached like crazy and I had blackouts.
Of course when confronted by anyone about my drinking, I would insist that they were wrong but make a mental note to conceal it better next time. Like many addicts there was no end to my creativity and dishonesty when it came to buying and concealing my drug of choice.
It became routine to alternate between stores, use different credit cards, decant alcohol into juice bottles, hide it around the house, carry around a constant supply of mints and mouthwash. But heaven help anyone who even tried to imply that I was an alcoholic or an addict. I believed I had every justification to have a drink whenever I wanted and I could give it up when life treated me better.
Deep down I knew that I had gone past the point of no return but shame and fear stopped me asking for help. I knew that if I did I would be told what every addict feared, that I should never pick up again. It was impossible to consider the option of not drinking. I couldn’t live with a drink and I couldn’t live without one, so I decided I might as well be dead.
After a suicide attempt induced by a drinking binge I was thankfully taken to a secure ward where amazing staff saved my life and helped me find a six month treatment programme. For the first time ever I was made to feel that my life was valuable and that I was worth something. Determined to make the best of my second chance, I threw myself into my recovery.
It wasn’t easy but I faced my past and came to a place of forgiveness for myself and others. Faith helped me to believe in myself and accept that I was not in control of my future. Instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do or didn’t have I chose to think positively about what I could do and did have in the present.
Learning all I could about alcoholism helped me realise how things how got so bad for me and admitting I was an alcoholic was a relief. Although there wasn’t a cure, I came to appreciate that I could live a fulfilling and positive life without drink. Within a few years of becoming sober I was married with two wonderful daughters. Today I have no regrets or shame about my past and am grateful for my life. Sobriety means that I no longer have to worry about how it got so bad.
Instead I can ask, ‘How did it get so good?’
Carolyn Hughes, age 47, was born in London, and now lives in my husband’s native Northern Ireland with our two daughters. Having been an alcoholic for nearly 20 years, she was able to turn her life around and has enjoyed nearly 13 years sober. Carolyn works as a freelance writer with a special interest in alcohol issues and is currently writing ‘The Hurt Healer”, a novel based on my own experiences of abuse and alcoholism.
How has your addiction or recovery affected your life? Let us know in comments. If you liked this post, please share on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Thank you!
I love reading Carolyn’s articles and this one is no exception! Sharing her story in this manner — both the part that describes how she got there, during and then her recovery are a marvelous service to those struggling with alcoholism. Both family members wanting to understand the disease and those who have the disease will find Carolyn’s articles very helpful.
Thank you Lisa for your encouraging comment. Alcoholism is such a horrible condition to have to deal with whether your are the drinker or their family. It is great to have the chance to let people know that no matter how bad things get, they can change for the better!
Thank you for sharing your story Carolyn. Addiction can be such a difficult thing to understand and has far too many stereotypes – learning another person’s story helps shed light and understanding. Your truth helps heal others.
Thank you Kaizen for your inspiring comments. An essential element of overcoming an addiction is a willingness to be honest with yourself and others. It’s never easy, but the truth will lead you out of the darkness and into the light. A great place to be!
Sorry Aileen, That should be thankyou Aileen, not Kaizen!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Carolyn. I find it very inspiring to see that you went through so much and came out on the other side.
Thank you Nea for your kind comments. Today I can find the positives in what I went through because it is through my weakness that I found my strength.
Thank you, Carolyn for sharing. This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, Cathy. I am thinking of some of my friends wanting to overcome, yet finding it so hard. I am sharing this post with them. Very beautifully written, Carolyn!
Thank you Vidya for your words of encouragement. Anyone wanting to overcome is in such a terrifying place but I hope that my story will plant a seed of hope that it is always possible to turn things around. Never give up!
Wow,
Such a compelling and amazing story. Thank you for sharing! Your story gives hope to me, who is dealing with a family member who has finally decided to quit.
Thank you for the work you do, and for lending a voice to this very difficult issue…and thanks Cathy, for your ongoing wonderful posts…
IN Harmony,
Jen
Thank you Jen for encouraging comment. It is so humbling to read that my story gives you hope and I wish you and your family member all the best in your recovery journeys. Because it’s not just the family member who has to recover but you too! Take care of yourself!
Carolyn…
What an ‘openhearted’ post. What you said about admitting that you were an alcoholic was a relief was helpful. Just that one line could at least open up some alcoholics to the possibility of surrendering.
A dear friend of mine was an alcoholic for 15 years (minimally). Both parents were alcoholics. When she decided to do something about it and went to AA, her life started changing. And today….the ‘real her’ is a beacon of light. It is magical…as is your story. 🙂 Fran
Thanks Fran for your kind comments. I share my story with the hope that someone could read even one line and find it helpful.
Wonderful to hear that your friend also turned her life around. Anything is possible!
Carolyn,
What an amazing story. So sorry you and your family had to go through that! I truly believe that when a person shares a story that always help someone! Thanks for sharing and I’m glad you found your way out.
Hi Carolyn:
I was glued to your story. Thanks for sharing so wholeheartedly.
– Wendy
Thank you Betsy for your encouragement. I believe like you that people can be helped by reading something they can identify with and that’s why I share. No matter how bad the addiction there is always a way out!
Thank you Wendy for taking the time to read my story and for your kind words. It means a lot to me!
Thanks for sharing how you came back from what was probably one of the lowest points in you life. It sounds like it was a combination of reaching rock bottom, confronting and admitting your addiction and faith that helped you turn things around.
Thank you Vishnu for your kind comments. You are totally right in that I was at the lowest point in my life and it was only through finding my faith that I was able to confront the past and deal with addiction. But it doesn’t matter where the person is at with their addiction, if they are ready to be helped their life can change dramatically for the better!
Hi Carolyn and Cathy,
Addiction can be hard to understand and it differs from person to person, but reading about such successful stories from people who have been there make a huge difference in others. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thanks Dia for your encouragement. My aim of sharing my story is to give hope to others who are dealing with addiction and to inspire them to seek the help that can change their lives forever!
Wonderful story on surviving Carolyn, thank you for sharing. This story can help many people have the courage to change there life.
It is amazing ho God can put people in our lives just when we need them. The right people.
Blessings to you and Thanks Cathy for having Carolyn share her story.
Debbie
Thankyou Debbie for your kind comments. My aim in sharing to help others realise that there is always hope. You are right that God will put the right people in the right place at the right time. He did for me and He will for others too!
Beautiful story of recovery, Carolyn. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Thank you Marianne for taking the time to read it and for your kind comments. They are appreciated!
Carolyn,
Thanks for sharing your story. I love the way you ended it about ‘how life got so good!’ Good for you! Isn’t life grand?
Thanks Tess for your great comments. When you are at your lowest it can be very hard to imagine that things can get better, but they can. You are so right. Life is grand!
From a very early age I was aware that my father saw my gender as a commodity but he certainly wasn’t alone in his thinking. Media has constantly reaffirmed a negative and distorted view of women and it is no wonder that women look to drugs and alcohol to make themselves feel better. Sad but true.
“For the first time ever I was made to feel that my life was valuable and that I was worth something”
I am not an alcoholic or suffer from any addictions. Somehow I’ve broken the generational chain of addiction in my family. However, as an adult child of an alcoholic the above statement resonates. My rational mind leads me to understand I have value and my life isn’t just a waste… yet emotionally I struggle with it every day. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story.