How Not to Feel Judged When Your Child is Struggling With Substance Use

Do you feel that you are being judged because of your child’s substance use?

Would you like ideas on how to feel better?

I posted the addiction meme below from Tanya Stanley in my parents’ Facebook Group a while back.

(If you are a parent of a child struggling with substance use, I invite you to join the group.)

It hit a chord with many of the parents in the group. Feeling judged is something that leads to more shame and stigma.

This is what addiction does to families. When you feel judged, it can add stress to your already difficult situation.

I remember when I was going through substance use issues with my kids. While some people were supportive, I’m sure others were judging us. It is a painful place to be.

Feelings such as frustration, anger, and sadness arise when you feel judged. It’s what drives parents to isolate, and it can be why addiction can be difficult to overcome

Parents are called enablers or codependent when family members or friends feel they are doing too much. These are negative terms and don’t help a parent feel better about their situation.

The less labeling we do, the better.

It means to judge based on the dictionary definition: “To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration” or “One who makes estimates as to the worth, quality, or fitness.”

We all know people who judge others. We’ve also done it ourselves.

It is not possible to altogether avoid being judged by others. Substance use is a sticky subject. People have opinions steeped in tradition about what you should do. Until others have experienced what you’ve experienced, they don’t know, do they?

I guarantee that if your family is dealing with substance use issues, you will feel judged sometimes. It can help if you have a new way of looking at it. It will help you cope in a more calm and detached way.

Here are six things you can do to help yourself.

1. Stop judging yourself.

Unless you were handing your child drugs or alcohol, having a child with substance use issues is not your fault. Millions of families struggle with substance use, so know it is not about bad parenting. Many loving parents are having the same problems that you do. Do your best to stop second-guessing yourself.

You may need to improve in certain areas when helping your child change. Most often, you are harder on yourself than anyone else is. So, while you may feel that others are judging you, you may be your worst critic. Try and let that go. Instead, focus on self-compassion.

2. Don’t give in to your fear of being judged.

People often judge because they fear what is happening in their family will happen to them.

Despite your fear about what others will think, do what you feel is the right step for your situation. With all the fear and anxiety that comes with it, your confidence in yourself may lessen when you feel judged. You won’t have the energy left to help your child in the best way possible.

Especially in the beginning stages, when your family and friends may not even understand what you’re trying to do, it’s crucial to get your fear under control. Otherwise, you’ll be making decisions based on fear, and often those aren’t the best ones.

Being judged can be painful, but only if you allow it to be. Unfortunately, stigma and shame come with substance use disorder. Once you’ve coped with your child’s substance use for a while, you’ll realize that not giving in to your fear of what others think will be healthier for you. Instead, focus on your child and their well-being and that it is the best path forward.

3. You know your child best.

Other people will have opinions about what you should do when your child has an addiction disorder. They may say you are doing too much or need to do more. You know your child better than anyone. You also understand what is causing your child to turn to substances. Educate yourself on how you can help your son or daughter. Simultaneously, rather than listening to others if they are making you uncomfortable, listen to your instincts on how to best help.

I’ve heard too often about parents who receive unsolicited “advice.” People mention that a parent should let their son or daughter hit rock bottom. Yet, we now know that both of these ideas are dangerous.

There are many new research-based approaches that people who have not experienced substance use know nothing about. Do your homework and listen to what seems right for you. There are similarities, but your child’s situation is unique.

You know your child best. You are capable of helping change their life.

4. Don’t allow others to choose how you feel.

You can’t stop others from judging you. Instead, focus your energy on taking care of yourself and staying present.

While it is difficult, you can choose how you want to feel. It is stressful enough to have a child who is struggling with substances. You don’t need other people to make you feel worse.

If you want to detach from something, at least temporarily disconnect from those judging you. Let go of blaming yourself or feeling that you let your child down.

Do your best to stay in the present moment and focus on today. It will help you avoid the negative mind chatter that is unproductive.

5. Accept yourself and your situation.

You can’t control what other people think, say, or do. At the same time, have confidence that you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

Come to terms with accepting yourself and your child’s situation. Worry less about other people’s acceptance. It takes a while for everyone to learn about substance use and all its ramifications.

We all make mistakes at some point when we are trying to help our kids. The more you educate yourself, the better. At the same time, as parents, you were not trained to “fix” your child. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.

As with anything, it’s always easier to advise when you don’t have to live with it every day. Others not dealing with this issue don’t know what it feels like to worry about their child’s safety.

6. Find supportive people.

Surround yourself with family and friends who support you during this difficult time. Take a break from those who are judging you during this time when you are concerned about your child’s substance use disorder.

Get support from like-minded people who you know, like, and trust. Learn from their experiences and learn the latest approaches that have the best outcomes.

The more you get support, the more confidence you’ll have in yourself and your decisions. No quick fix or method will immediately help your child change. It is a process, and like anything new, you will need to find what works for you and your family.

With support from others, you’ll feel better about yourself. You’ll also be in a stronger position to help your child change.

The Compassion Antidote: A Path Forward for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use answers many questions, including how to support your son or daughter and help them recover from substance use dependence. It gives tips on communicating better with your grown son or daughter. This is the link to the Amazon version. I hope the book is helpful.