Are you concerned about your child’s substance use?
Are you looking for answers?
This interview shares some insights from a father who has walked in your shoes.
Dean Dauphinais is an advocate for addiction prevention and recovery. His energy comes through, and his determination makes positive change happen.
His most recent cause is “Palcohol,” powdered alcohol that could be very harmful to teens or young adults looking for their next high. Shocking to many, it was approved and will be on store shelves in the fall.
Please sign his petition directed to the U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau to have them reconsider their approval of “Palcohol” powered alcohol. Also, Like his Facebook page, We Oppose Palcohol and follow this important cause.
I’m happy to share my interview with Dean Dauphinais this week!
Can you briefly introduce yourself to those that don’t know you?
My name is Dean Dauphinais, I’m 52 years old, and I live in Grosse Pointe, Michigan, which is a suburb of Detroit. I am married to the most amazing woman in the world, and we have two sons, ages 18 and 24. My older son was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety when he was 15 and eventually started self-medicating to feel “normal.”
He started out smoking pot, then experimented with other drugs–prescription meds, cocaine, etc.–before finally becoming addicted to heroin. Our whole family was on one heck of a roller coaster ride for several years. Addiction is a family disease affecting us emotionally, physically, and financially.
Thankfully, my son is now in long-term recovery. He’s been clean and sober since July 2, 2012, and I am incredibly grateful for every single day of his recovery.
What has been the most challenging part about being a father of a son who has an addiction?
There are a couple of things, really. The first challenge was accepting that my son is an addict. When you have kids, you have certain life paths mapped out for them in your head. I’m pretty sure no parent includes “become addicted to drugs” on that map.
Likewise, I know that no young person aspires to be an addict. No one wakes up one morning and says to themself, “I want to be a heroin addict!” As a parent, I think the first things you feel are shock, maybe some shame, and guilt. You wonder why this happened to your child. Then you realize you must move past those things and get down to business.
The other challenge was the whole process of figuring out what to do to help my son. Unfortunately, there’s no owner’s manual for dealing with an addicted child. When you’re suddenly thrown into that role, it’s overwhelming.
Learning what I, personally, could do to help my son would’ve been enough just by itself. But then there are other things added into the equation: Figuring out if he needs treatment and, if so, where to send him; dealing with the insurance company (don’t even get me started); finding the money to pay for things insurance doesn’t cover; what to do about his schooling; keeping the family together; making sure my younger son isn’t ignored; etc., etc., etc.
I think educating myself–learning as I went along–was the biggest challenge. It took me a long time to get to a point where I finally felt like I understood what was happening.
What tools and resources helped you the most during your journey?
Wow. There are so many. How much time do you have?
First off, anyone who talks to me about my journey for more than five minutes will hear me say that my life was saved by one book. That book is Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey through His Son’s Addiction by David Sheff. Maybe it was the timing of when I read it, but I still think it’s the best book I’ve ever read.
It taught me so much, not only about addiction in general but about being the father of an addict and the way the whole family dynamic is affected. Beautiful Boy also validated the firestorm of emotions I was feeling. I wasn’t crazy. In fact, I was very normal. It was such a relief to find that out.
There’s one paragraph in Beautiful Boy that I constantly quote when I’m talking to other parents who are new to the whole “addicted child” thing. In the book’s introduction, there lies this paragraph that changed –and saved–my life:
“Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my son’s addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child’s life-or-death struggle? But I learned that my preoccupation with Nic didn’t help him and may have harmed him. Or maybe it was irrelevant to him. However, it surely harmed the rest of my family–and me. Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how–and whether–he will live his life.”
I’ve probably read that paragraph a thousand times. It may have taken me 800 times before the message finally clicked, but better late than never, right?
Another author who has proved to be an indispensable resource for me is Anne Lamott. Anne is an amazing woman (in recovery) who writes books that are brutally honest and full of self-deprecating humor. She writes about faith. And grace. And hope.
She covers topics like alcoholism, sobriety, depression, Christianity, and parenthood. She’s an inspiration, and her words have helped heal me over the last several years. There are so many quotes from her that speak to me. For example, “Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” I mean, how can you read that and not be moved by it? Anne is the reason I had “HOPE” and “FAITH” tattooed on my arms.
I am also a music geek, and there are a handful of musicians whose songs have aided me so much in my recovery. Kathleen Edwards, a fabulous Canadian singer-songwriter, is at the top of that list. My wife and I started out as fans of hers, but we’ve actually become friends over the years. She’s been so supportive of our family and our situation.
Other people whose music has been a magical elixir for me are Jim Bryson, Hannah Georgas, Matthew Ryan, and Ryan Adams. Music can be a healing force, for sure.
Other resources and tools that have helped include Al-Anon (“You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it”), therapy, exercise, helping others, and blogging.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my wife as a “resource” that has helped me on my (our) journey. Her strength, calmness, and ability to deal with just about anything while keeping a level head and positive attitude are beyond admirable. She is my rock and the glue that held us all together during a tumultuous time.
Although we definitely shared in carrying the baggage during the journey, her bags were much heavier. I truly would be lost without her.
What prompted you to start your amazing blog, “My Life As 3D”?
As my son’s addiction progressed, I started journaling as a form of therapy. Getting what I was thinking in my head onto paper–actually a computer hard drive–made me feel better. I could say what I was feeling and talk about what I was going through; just get things off my chest, if only for the time I was actually writing the journal entry.
After a while, I had a Word document that was hundreds of pages long. But I was the only one reading it. When I went back from time to time and re-read some of what I’d written, I thought that maybe other people who were going through a similar experience could benefit from my stream-of-consciousness babbling. So I considered starting a blog.
The blog didn’t happen right away, though. I think I started two blogs before I actually decided to commit to doing it. I guess the third time was the charm. It’s kind of funny to go back and read the first post from December of 2008. It says, “I don’t know if this will work or not. . . .So I’m creating a post to get things started. Whether or not I post again is anybody’s guess.”
My blog is still a therapeutic outlet for me. But I also see it having almost equal value as a resource for others. I get a lot of emails from people who thank me for writing the blog. They tell me it’s helped them deal with their own child’s addiction. That feels good. If something I write can help ease another person’s burden–even just a little–then I’m happy to keep doing it.
Please tell us about your work with Heroes in Recovery. What is the purpose of the organization?
I like to summarize Heroes in Recovery in three words: BREAK THE STIGMA.
Heroes in Recovery is a group that’s dedicated to celebrating recovery and, more importantly, breaking the stigma associated with addiction and mental health issues. I think we can all agree that there is still a huge stigma that goes along with addiction, preventing millions of people from seeking the treatment they need and giving recovery a shot.
At Heroes in Recovery, we work to chip away at that stigma by inviting real people to share their real stories about recovery on our website. Every story that gets posted has another hammer taking another whack at that “wall” of stigma. If we get enough hammers and take enough whacks, maybe that wall will come tumbling down.
As one of five lead advocates for the group, I help gather stories of recovery for the website, write blog posts for the Heroes blog, spread the message via Facebook and Twitter, put on events so people can learn about the Heroes movement, and volunteer at the Heroes 6K races when possible. (That extra 1K is for recovery!)
Everything we do is about breaking the stigma and giving people hope. At Heroes in Recovery, we’re telling people that recovery can and does happen every day–and we have the stories to prove it. Maybe one person will read one story and decide to take that first step down a new path. That’s why we do what we do. I’m so proud to be a part of something I’m so passionate about.
By the way, if anyone reading this would like to share a story of recovery–either their own or that of a loved one–they can get in touch with me through my blog and I’ll guide them through the process. And if they don’t want to write, I’m more than happy to do a phone interview with them and write their story up for them
What would be three pieces of advice you would give parents who are now struggling with their child’s addiction?
It’s tough to limit it to three things, but since you’re putting me on the spot…
1. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed. Addiction affects millions of people in this country. It doesn’t care where you live, how much money you have, what color your skin is, what your education level is, what your occupation is, etc. While feeling guilty or ashamed might be a natural first reaction, the quicker you can move past that and realize that you are not alone, the better off you’ll be.
2. Stay calm. This is something that will likely take some practice for most people (myself included). No matter how angry you feel toward your loved one and their substance use problem, losing your cool and yelling at them will not improve anything. In fact, it’s likely to make things worse. Believe me, I was anything but calm early on in my son’s addiction. I have since learned that cooler heads definitely prevail.
3. Work on your own recovery. So many parents and loved ones of people afflicted with addiction don’t realize that their own recovery is just as important as the addicts. In fact, it might be more important. If you are a physical/emotional wreck, you will be unable to help your loved one in any positive way. Instead of one healthy person being available to help one sick person, there ends up being two sick people, neither of whom can help the other. To paraphrase David Sheff, don’t become addicted to your loved one’s addiction.
Dean Dauphinais is the founder of the blog, My Life As 3D, a Lead Advocate with Heroes in Recovery, and a member of National Parent Partners through The Partnership to End Addiction. You can follow Dean on Twitter @deanokat.
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Great story and great message. Thanks for sharing Cathy! I love the three recommendations at the bottom. They not only can be used in cases of substance abuse, but they can be applied to tough times in life in general. Thanks again!
Hi Victor,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you liked the interview and appreciate your kind words. It is interesting how so much of recovery recommendations can be applied to many other situations. Take care.
Thanks, Victor. I really appreciate the kind words.
Thank you for sharing this Cathy and Dean, for your words of wisdom. I’m finding that there is no end to the help out there for people struggling with their children’s addiction. It give me such hope and strength to hear other people’s stories and I can’t wait for the day I can write “my son has been living a life of recovery for ____ (fill in the blank) years now”. I am way beyond gilt and shame over my son’s addiction, Instead I have a profound sadness for him.
Hi Nancy,
I can understand the sadness you feel for your son. It is hard as a parent to stand by and watch your child struggle through life. My hope is that you will very soon be able to say that your son has made positive change and has decided to live a life of recovery. All the best to you!
Thank you, Nancy. The sadness you feel is natural. After all, it’s your *child*. Just remember to take care of yourself. And never give up. Never ever. I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you from Michigan.
I feel you, I understand you because I feel exactly the same about my son Marlon
Wow. That bit about knowing your child lives and dies with or without you–powerful. I’m not a mother, not planning to be–maybe because I gave my parents such a hard time myself–but this feels like something that would be very hard to grasp, fully grasp, as a parent. To choose life for yourself, to consciously make that decision to “walk away” from your child’s own decision-making–how many parents can do that without feeling like they’re utter failures as parents? And yet that is the wisest, healthiest thing to do.
Wonderful interview. And Cathy, thanks for stopping over at Vidya’s blog for my guest post yesterday. Much, much appreciated.
Guilie @ Life In Dogs
Welcome Guilie,
It is powerful to think about having to walk away. When we think about all that parents go through when their kids who are abusing substances, it explains why they are so stressed and often put their health in danger. It is a continual struggle to know what decisions are the best for each situation. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Guilie… Thanks for commenting. The decision to let your child “sink or swim” is without a doubt an incredibly difficult one. That’s why it took my wife and I so long to do it. It goes against every parental instinct you have. But sometimes you have to take a chance. FYI, another quote I like that speaks to this is: “It hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him, keep him out of harm’s way, shield him from pain. What good are fathers if not for these things?” –Thomas Lynch (from “The Way We Are”). Thanks again for reading and commenting.
Thank you so much for this amazing interview and for the depth and honesty of your sharing, Dean. This line from the quote echoes what we talk about at my all path recovery meeting (Y12SR). All of us have experienced “Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my son’s addiction” whether the child, the parent or the partner. You solutions (and I LOVE BEING IN THE SOLUTION) are so helpful: writing, reaching out, assuaging the senses through music and lyrics and letting go. Powerful and wonderful. Thanks you both
KYCZY… Thank you so much for your kind words. And for reading the interview. I’m just a dad trying to take something negative that happened to my family and reframe it into a positive. Helping people is now my passion. I am also grateful for the people who have helped me, including my friend Kathleen Edwards. Check out this song of hers. I have probably played it a couple of thousand times since she first sent it to me. It’s called “A Soft Place to Land.” http://youtu.be/3vV1J3cQnj0
I really appreciate your sharing. I hope one day I shall be in a state similar to yours, at the moment I feel completely defeated and overwhelmed.
Hi Meg,
Welcome! I’m sorry that you feel defeated and overwhelmed. Do reach out for help. There are many who have walked this road before you and can be of assistance.
Dean-,thanks for sharing your story and the beautiful song by Kathleen Edwards-
Will add it to my iPod.
I have a very similar story with my 23 yr old son and am happy to say he is 2 yrs-4 months sober.
Karen
Karen… You’re very welcome! Thank YOU for reading! And I’m glad you like the Kathleen Edwards song. 🙂 Wishing your son continued success and sobriety!!
Dean and Cathy,
What a great post. So helpful to parents. I have three sons: 23, 21, and 17. The older two have done their share of experimenting, although I don’t always know to what extent. Your story is great for me to read because it reaffirms how I handled much of our journey. Thank you.
Betsy/Zen Mama… Thanks for reading!
Dean and Cathy,
I had the opportunity to interview this exemplary Dad and man recently and now, thanks to you both, have learned so much more. I continue to be particulalry impressed with Dean’s advice to, “Work on your own recovery” as he models the change he wants to see in his family and in the world.
One of my mantras and battle cries has been, “Where are the men!?” Dean answers that by walking the talk humbly and sustainably. Thank you, Dean, you make me want to be a better man.
And thank you, Dean AND Cathy for this uplifting and hopeful post.
Herby… Thank you for the kind words. And thanks for all YOU do to help those going through addiction and recovery!! And thanks to Cathy again for giving me the opportunity to share my story. 🙂
Hey, thanks Cathy and Dean for a meaningful piece. Grosse Pointe, MI – just down the road from me.
We love our children – so often the grand extension of self. And we suffer so badly as they suffer. Was working with a young man this afternoon who is so pervasively emotionally/mentally troubled. Just don’t know re prognosis. His parents have accompanied him on his long journey, and are no doubt weary. Yet, they somehow maintain a freshness, which could only have come from learning how to take care of themselves – individually and as a couple. That’s just so important. How could they ever hope to continue to be there for their son without it?
Thanks for a special article. And the Palcohol biz. Can you even believe it? Facebook page “liked” and petition signed…
Bill
Bill… Thanks for reading and commenting. Where are you located? In the Detroit area? Would be interested in meeting you sometime.
Peace.
Hey Dean!
Live in Rochester Hills, office in Clawson. Sure, would be good to meet sometime. We can use Twitter to communicate?
Bill
Wow – thank you Dean and Cathy for this wonderful interview. Dean – what you have shared about what got you through this journey was so personal and humanly conveyed – the authors/books, music, your wife – very powerful, thank you. I’ve added your blog to my blog roll to share your work with my readers, as well. Thank you both!
Lisa… Thank you so much for your compliments! From the start, I have been totally transparent regarding all aspects of my son’s addiction/recovery and how it’s affected me and my family. You can’t complain about the stigma if you’re participating in it, right? I will add your blog to my list as well. Thanks again! 🙂
Dean, thank you for sharing your story. I, too, found reading Beautiful Boy to be a profound experience. Continued success to your son, much love to your family.
Laura… Thanks for reading. I feel like I am forever indebted to David Sheff. Such a great book that changed–and saved–my life. 🙂
This is a powerful post that I will save and show my clients. I went back to school and obtained a degree in chemical dependency after learning of my son’s addiction. I hope to help remove the stigma and help my clients move past the shame they feel. The shame prevents people from reaching out for help. Thank you for sharing.
Kathy… Thank YOU for sharing! And for helping to break the stigma! 🙂
Thanks for sharing Dean’s story, Cathy.
I love how you both are taking very difficult situations and sharing your journey with other parents who find themselves in similar situations – very alone and consumed by guilt.
I think in any difficult situation, focusing on yourself – or #3 as Dean talks about is very important. If you’re not in a healthy, balanced and emotionally strong place, you’re not going to be able to help others as Dean points out. Looking forward to checking out Dean’s blog.
Vishnu… Thank you for your nice comment. Believe me, “#3” is SO important. It took me a long time to realize that, but when I finally did…wow, it made such a difference in my world. Thanks again.
Thanks again Cathy, and thank you Dean for sharing your story to help other so much. I love it all – and my personal favorite of course is your point #3 – the parent’s recovery. You know I am all about that! Thanks again to you both for all you.
Leslie… Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I’m happy to share my story in hopes that it may help someone else who is struggling.
Thanks for sharing your story Dean. I found it touching. I think it is so important to stay calm and focus on your own recovery. If you are not healthy yourself, how can you help someone else?
There are so many things that go into an addiction. You are right that trying to take the blame/guilt for that will get no one anywhere.
I also really liked the quote you shared. It is so easy to become addicted to other people’s problems, hence reality tv and magazines like People. That won’t help them though. Everyone has to decide for themselves.
Love your article. My youngest daughter is clean and sober 21 months. I had to be in recovery to learn how to detach, how to be okay to live life and to still be a parent to my oldest daughter. It is so difficult as it goes against every fiber in our being of how to be a “good” parent. But detach I did… pretty darn well for the most part so much that when she finally decided to go to treatment I panicked. I had not done enough research on treatment thankfully my best friend had. it is a journey unlike no other wished for no one but navigated with detachment and humor. Now it is about being of service to other parents.