The way positive reinforcement is carried out is more important than the amount. ~ B. F. Skinner
Have you considered positive reinforcement as a strategy to help curb your child’s substance abuse?
After 15 years of teaching elementary school, mainly 4th graders, I understand the value of group points, gold stars, or verbally acknowledging students for a job well done. I have seen what positive reinforcement can do for teachers who are guiding students toward good behavior.
I’ve used positive reinforcement when my kids were growing to urge them in the right direction gently. Looking back, I wished I had used it more when they were teenagers. It might have made a difference.
Animal trainers use positive reinforcement. For example, in her article “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage,” Amy Sutherland states, “The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging.”
I’ve attended a few dog training classes over the years. And I now see the value of positive reinforcement when training a dog.
Our dog Nellie has some things down pat. Others continue to be a work in progress.
I’ve used positive reinforcement because I have Nellie sit and then shake right before mealtime. We do it once in the morning and once in the late afternoon. I have repeated the command so often, and it’s to the point where I can do a hand signal, and the paw goes up.
Now that being said, if you talk to any of our friends, they’ll tell you that she has an unbridled enthusiasm for guests. Nellie loves people. She is convinced that they would greatly appreciate a cuddle or a few licks. We’re continuing to work on party manners.
Your child’s substance use issues
Rewards can help people change, too, just like our pets. When you are concerned about your child’s substance use issues, positive reinforcement is a strategy to help you get the positive changes that you are looking for with your child.
According to Psychology Today, B.F. Skinner was the first to define positive reinforcement. He found that behaviors were dependent upon what happens after the response. Skinner called this operant behavior.
Animal trainer Karen Pryor gave it more attention with her bestselling book Don’t Shoot the Dog! The New Art of Teaching and Training. She defines positive reinforcement as “anything which, occurring in conjunction with an act, tends to increase the probability that the act will occur again.”
I attended a training in New York presented by four clinical psychologists a few years ago. I learned that studies show that non-confrontational positive reinforcement can help your child who is struggling with substance abuse be more willing to attend a treatment program, be more willing to be sober, and reduce their use.
When I was struggling with my kids’ substance use, I was first immobilized by fear, then began learning to let go, detaching (with love, of course), and trying not to enable.
Rewards can be effective.
It turns out that rewarding your child for their exemplary behavior, which in this case means that they are not abusing drugs or alcohol, can have a powerful effect. It can help both the substance user and their family.
The goal is to get our kids the help they need, no matter what part of the substance abuse spectrum they are on. If they are experimenting, dependent, or addicted, positive reinforcement by loving family members may help them change. It will motivate them to make more positive choices. You can create a powerful shift by using this strategy with your child.
It may sound silly to have to practice positive reinforcement with your teen or adult child. You may be feeling that they should be beyond needing an external reward at this point in their life.
On the other hand, you most likely are reading this blog because your child uses drugs or alcohol. If positive reinforcement might change the destructive journey that they are on, wouldn’t you think it is worth trying? I know if my kids were still in the midst of their substance use, I would want to find out more.
Most parents would try anything if it helped get their child back on track.
As Robert Meyers says in his book, Get Your Loved One Sober, “The goals are (1) to improve the quality of your life and (2) to make sobriety more attractive to your loved one than drinking.”
“Rewarding” your child for not using drugs or alcohol can transform your family from frequent arguments, check-up, and fear what might happen next, and move you to a more peaceful existence.
Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement provides another opportunity to have hope, empowerment, and understanding when you are deeply concerned about your child’s behavior.
Making a change for any family member takes time. It does not happen overnight.
Here are some guidelines about positive reinforcement that you can try this week:
- Select a behavior that concerns you. Brainstorm the opposite right action that you want to reward. Pick a reward you feel willing and able to give.
- The rewards should be as small as possible. For example, a hug or a smile can be a reward that your child remembers.
- The rewards need to be age-appropriate and something that your child values.
- Give the reward exactly when the behavior occurs or as soon afterward as possible.
- Don’t give something before the behavior occurs in hopes that the response will change later. Positive reinforcement is not a bribe.
- You should be enthusiastic and keep goals for your child achievable. If you become stressed or frustrated, take a break to have positive interactions with your child.
- The reward needs to be consistent and delivered promptly.
- The rewards don’t all have to be the same. As an example, a hug one day, a small gift card for coffee, or an outing together could be rewards that your child remembers.
- Track the good behavior and the rewards that you are giving.
Tracking your child’s behavior isn’t easy, of course. I’m learning too. Anything new takes practice.
These techniques have been researched. The research says that it works. Reinforcement can make a difference when you are struggling with your child’s substance use.
My dog, Nellie, has internalized the idea of shaking on command. This same powerful strategy can also help your child internalize the benefit of not abusing drugs or alcohol.
The bottom line for me is that it sounds logical, and studies show that it works, so why not learn more and see if this strategy can help your family?
UPDATE: Our sweet dog, Nellie, passed away in the fall of 2019. She is greatly missed. I remember the many things she learned with positive reinforcement, such as sitting, staying on her bed, shaking, and lying down. We are all part of the animal family. New behaviors can be learned.
What do you think about positive reinforcement? Have you tried it? Let us know in the comments.
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“Most parents would try anything if it would help get their child back on track. Our kids deserve to live the life they were meant to live.”
Cathy, you’re so right most parents would try anything. That’s why your blog is so helpful…most people don’t know what to try. Or they get in their own way and try the incorrect things.
You provide amazing insight and hope!
Hi Tess,
The more we can get the information out there and let parents know their options, the better. None of this is easy, but any parent who is determined to learn more about the latest evidence based strategies, I feel, has a better chance of getting their child the help that they need. Take care.
Whoa…
“(2) to make sobriety more attractive to your loved one than drinking.”
Now THAT takes a family and REALLY speaks to me and my experience. Your dog training, (loving) analogy is perfect. Sentient beings sense an open heart and what a great place to start for all of us to be seen, heard and held in the highest regard.
SUCH a refreshing departure from the, “tough love shuffle” so often recommended at the exclusion of all else and what all anyone EVER wanted; to be seen, heard and held in the highest regard.
Beautifully written and remarkably helpful. Thank you, Cathy.
Hi Herby,
This strategy is really the opposite of “tough love.” I feel that for many parents, that just doesn’t work and can have disastrous consequences. My thought is to try some of these other techniques first. It is exciting to know that there are other options.
Cathy –
Your focus on training dogs through positive re-inforcement says it all Cathy. I have always said that I had known that dog training could teach me so much, I would have had one before I became a mom.
Great, pithy information as always Cathy. You are a fount of knowledge, combined with years of experience.:)
Hi Fran,
It was so interesting that as I was researching information about positive reinforcement that the it works so well with humans as well as animals. Although positive reinforcement has been around a long time, many don’t think of that when we are dealing with our kids. Thanks for your kind words.
Such a basic idea that of course works in almost any scenario – that we forget all about when we are in the depth of dealing with an addiction. All that we can see, focus on, think about, is the addictive/destructive behavior that we are so afraid of, and we lose sight of much of any positivity at all. So I love your suggestion, because it helps us step back and look at the whole person again and all of their goodness. Thanks for taking us back to something that will help not only the addict but everyone else around him/her as well!
Hi Leslie,
Positive reinforcement can make a difference in helping your child seek treatment. Sometimes we become sucked into the negativity of the situation that we cannot think about anything positive, but a shift in thinking can help all who are affected.
More words of wisdom Cathy…anything that allows us to help our kids is something to hang on to. Keeping our eyes on the solution instead of the problem…and positive reinforcement sounds like another great technique to add to the toolbox.
Hi Elle,
I feel that it is a powerful tool that is underutilized when it comes to substance abuse. Parents are often told to let go and and detach. Before doing that we need to move in and work with our child to see if we can turn this around. Studies show it works so I’m a fan.
I’m likin’ it, Cathy. The concept can be sooooo efficacious, if facilitated correctly. And your guidelines provide great direction. I’m especially fond of the hug/smile – expessed affection – reward. Man, how sad it is our children/youth don’t seem to get enough of the sweetness. Oh, they may not want to admit it; however, they’d have to love it. Well-considered and from-the-heart shtuff, Cathy – and appreciated. And, hey, if it’s good enough for Nellie, what’s not to like?
Bill
Hi Bill,
Glad that you agree. I know you have the experience in all of this, so appreciate hearing your thoughts. Kids don’t get enough smiles, hugs and “I love you.” They can always use more. Hope it wasn’t too much of a stretch with the dog, but it demonstrates the underlying power for any of us with this strategy.
I’ve always realised the importance of positive reinforcement in parenting but I’ve never thought of how beneficial it can be with children who are addicts.
Yet it is when your child is in treatment that they really do need to know that they can do some things right, because they know for sure what they are doing wrong.
Great post Cathy.
Hi Carolyn,
The children with substance abuse issues are so fragile and I agree that they need all the positive strokes they can get. It makes so much sense to me to acknowledge what they are doing right and focusing on that. Thanks for stopping by.
Thank you Cathy, what a potent reminder: positive affirmations started young will have a profound effect. Honesty, authentic words and phrases also help parents LOOK for the good. Rather than cajoling or bribes, rewards and paying attention. Then, when further work is needed, trust has been established.
This worked when my son was ready to embrace recovery: he know who I was, how I would behave, and had seen the impact on my life. He came to me willingly and without fear. We are creating a new friendship together now.
I use this form of reinforcement in my classes, with my g-kids and even in my self talk. To remind myself when I do well, think kindly and fulfill commitments – I can encourage my self in the recovery path.
Thank you for the steps and the reminder. I feel re-assured.
That is wonderful that you have found positive reinforcement/affirmations to help you in your life. I have used it myself in different situations and found it to be a powerful strategy. When we are concerned about something as serious as substance abuse, I feel that positive reinforcement can be a way to help your child find their way to recovery. Not a quick fix, but a strategy that is another option for families. Wonderful that you are creating a new friendship with your son.
We so often miss this – the idea that we don’t have to always be scared, nagging or trying to catch them. And this point you make, “If they are experimenting, dependent or addicted,” is also important – wherever your child (or adult love done, for that matter) is on the spectrum, it’s never too early to get started. Thanks for this great post – sounds like your CRAFT training program was awesome. (And, I love your dog!!)
Hi Lisa,
I think we often just get caught up in the nagging or trying to catch them because we don’t know what else to do. There is no training on how to help someone who is have substance abuse problems. We all just do the best we can. CRAFT is another opportunity to look at this problem in a new way and hopefully it will help someone. Take care.