How to be a Catalyst for Change

Did you know that you can be a catalyst for change?

Recently, I read The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind by Jonah Berger.

The book includes examples from different viewpoints, including a marketing perspective, a leader wanting to change an organization, a hostage negotiator, and a non-profit wanting to change the world.

I was delighted to see that there was even a section on getting teens to stop smoking and changing the minds of substance users.

The Catalyst states that creating change is less about pushing people towards change and more about lowering the barriers to change. This is true with struggling teens and young adults. The more we push, nag, and repeat the same information over and over, the more frustrated we become. And your child will be less likely to embrace change.

“Because rather than asking what might convince someone to change, catalysts start with a  more basic question: Why hasn’t that person changed already? What is blocking them?” ~ Jonah Berger

Take time to identify what is preventing change. Remove that barrier. Your chances that a transformation will occur will be greater.

When you think about it, a parent of a child struggling with drugs or alcohol is, in a sense, a marketer. You are marketing the idea of recovery to your son or daughter.

If you’ve had someone try to sell you something, being pushy, saying the same information over and over, and yelling doesn’t work.

But what does work? What will give you the best chance that your child is willing to rethink their lifestyle?

Parents have more influence than most of us realize. You can help your child change.

Think about what you can do to remove the roadblocks so that change happens.

It can be frustrating to watch your struggling children continue to flounder. You want them to be interested in recovery, yet often it doesn’t happen on your timetable.

The first step is to start with understanding. It is always helpful to get to the root of why your child hasn’t changed already. Active listening is important. Ask open-ended questions. Reflect on what you heard so that your child knows you are listening to them. When you ask open questions, you build trust, and your child feels that you are on their side.

Dr. Berger states, “Coax, convince, and encourage. Push, push, push. And if that doesn’t work, rinse and repeat. Step on the gas and push harder. And they aren’t working.”

So what can you do?

Remove the barriers to change.

Often we try to push our kids in one direction. We are scared and focused on getting them to stop using drugs or alcohol in an unhealthy way. In that process, you might be missing what is going on for your child and why they turned to substance use in the first place.

The questions you could ask yourself include: Why haven’t they changed already? What is getting in their way? How can I remove the barriers that are holding my child back from being willing to change?

The Catalyst identifies five roadblocks that inhibit change: reactance, endowment, distance, uncertainty, and corroborating.  (REDUCE) Here are the five roadblocks in more detail and my thoughts on how they could work with substance use.

Change is not something we should fear. Rather, it is something we should welcome. For without change, nothing in this world would ever grow or blossom, no one in this world would ever move forward to become the person they’re meant to be. ~ B.K.S. Lyengar

1. Push objects, not people

“Restriction generates a psychological phenomenon called reactance. An unpleasant state that occurs when people feel their freedom is lost or threatened.” ~ The Catalyst

Our sons and daughters, like anyone, want to feel that they’re in control of their life. They want to make their own decisions so that they’re in charge of their future.

Reactance refers to the fact that when we push our children to stop using drugs or alcohol, they tend to push back. Your son or daughter wants a sense of freedom or control over their life. When we infringe on that or try and take their control away, they aren’t so interested in change.

Even though they are not making great decisions, your child wants to feel that they are part of the decision-making process.  People prefer having a choice, even when it makes them less happy. They want the freedom to feel like they are in charge of their destiny. If your child feels like he has lost his ability to control what happens next, they will go back to what they do have control over – their substance use. It puts them back in the driver’s seat.

When we push our kids, like in a confrontational style approach or even encourage our kids, it makes them less likely to make the change we are looking for. Your son or daughter has ambivalence when it comes to their substance use. By pushing them, you may find you are pushing them back towards being controlled by the part of their brain telling them to use drugs or alcohol.

What to do? Stop trying to persuade and work on getting your child to see how a change would be a good idea. Allow your child to feel like they are making decisions for themselves.

Four ways to help your child feel in charge:

• Start with understanding what is going on that drove your son or daughter to use drugs or alcohol.
• Give your child options on every aspect of the problem so that your son or daughter can pick their path to recovery.
• Ask open-ended questions rather than tell your child what to do.
• Gently point out the gap between what your son or daughter wanted their life to look like and the reality of their current situation.

2. Endowment: Our kids are attached to their lifestyle

 “Endowment is the idea that people are attached to what they already do or have. They tend to be emotionally attached to things they’re doing already, and they’re unwilling to let them go.” ~ The Catalyst

As parents, we’re trying to get our children to buy into something new.

Your son or daughter has something they’re attached to. It’s the feeling that they are solving their problem with drugs or alcohol.

So not only are you trying to get your child to live a healthier lifestyle, but you are also trying to get them to let go of their drug use, which is actually more challenging.

Change can be hard. Your child is attached to how drugs and alcohol are solving their problem. They value that more right now than the uncertainty of change.

” In fact, research suggests that the potential gains of doing something has to be 2.6 times larger than the potential losses to get people to take action.” ~ Dr. Berger

To get your child interested in recovery, what you ask of them has to be significantly more effective than what they’ve got going on now. In fact, it has to be twice as beneficial to make up for the loss.

There is so much uncertainty with recovery. Your child might fear that he will fail. It is easier to stick with what they are doing now, even though it is problematic.

We know that one school of thought is to let your child hit rock bottom. The thought is when things are painful enough, your child will be interested in doing something about their substance use issue.  The problem with that approach is that we never know where your child’s rock bottom will be. Your child may go downhill and never be able to recover.

So rather than allowing your child to flounder, keep your relationship as positive as possible. Gently help them realize the cost and downside of continuing on the path of substance use.

One of the issues with recovery is that the benefits don’t happen for weeks or even months after you’ve entered a program or started to see a therapist. Your child may consider taking steps to seek help for their problem if they knew they could immediately solve the problem. If change means they make an effort now but see the benefits later down the road, they may decide to do nothing.

As a parent, help your child see the difference between what they are doing now and what they could be doing. Focus on what the cost is of doing nothing.

You want to help your child be more comfortable with the new and help them let go of the old. That is why you don’t want to subsidize your child’s continued use but instead support their steps toward recovery. For example, notice when your child is doing something well and support that.

3. Distance: Don’t make the ask too large

 “Distance is about how far away an ask or information is from where people are already.” ~ The Catalyst

If what you are asking your child to do is too far away from where they are right now, your chances are lower that they will be interested. They won’t consider it because the change is too great.

For example, if you ask your child to be sober, they may not be ready to take that step.

This is where harm reduction can play a role. If you work with your child to reduce their use or stop using opioids or other drugs where they can overdose, they may be more likely to consider it.

So what can you do?

Think about the range of possibilities that your child will consider. Berger calls it the zone of acceptance. This includes options that your child might be willing to consider.

Beyond this is the range of rejection which are solutions that your child will not agree to.

If an option is within your child’s range of acceptance, the chances are higher that your child will agree to give it a try. If you insist on a solution in your child’s range of rejection, they will not be persuaded to change. Your child will remain convinced that their answer to use drugs or alcohol is the better path.

Your child has a range around what they will consider.

So how do you lower the barrier of distance?

• Find the middle ground, someplace where you both can find some agreement.
• Start with asking for less when it comes to what you want your child to do. Start small with baby steps, one day at a time. Provide a stepping stone.
• You may not have struggled with drugs and alcohol, but you’ve struggled with something when you were a teen or a young adult. Talk about that.

4. Uncertainty about the future.

“Uncertainty is less about the past and more about the future. New things always involve some sense of uncertainty.” ~ The Catalyst

Like anyone, your child wants a sure thing. They want to know that they will not fail in recovery and not be uncomfortable during the recovery process. Your child wants to know how they will benefit and that recovery will be a positive experience.

Right now, your child has a sure thing. They are using drugs or alcohol. In their mind, it is solving a problem. What you are asking your child to do, needs to be seen as less of a risk. If it is too much of a risk, they will be more likely to keep the status quo.

Change is always uncertain, and people don’t like uncertainty. The more that change involves risk, the less likely your child will be willing to give recovery a try.

How can you move through uncertainty?

Meeting with a counselor or participating in an outpatient program might give your child a taste of what support could look like. They may be more willing to give an inpatient program a try if it is needed.

Medication management with therapy is another option that is known to save lives. You can find a doctor or clinic in your area, and your son or daughter could try out MAT to see if it helps with change.

Your child may hit pause and not be willing to take steps to recover unless they can get past their feelings of uncertainty to some degree.

5. Proof is needed to make bigger decisions

“Corroborating Evidence is the simple idea that some things require more proof. For small decisions and things that people don’t have a strong attachment to, only a little bit of proof is needed to make a decision. But for bigger decisions, more expensive or more controversial things, there’s more uncertainty and people need more proof or more evidence to help them make those decisions. It’s about how we involve others in that process so people hear from multiple angles to change their minds.” ~ The Catalyst

The bigger the change, the more proof is needed. We also know that one solution doesn’t work for everyone.

In this chapter of the book, Berger used the transformation example of a young man named Phil who changed from being dependent on pills to living a healthy life.

While his dad yelled and his mother cried, they also begged, pleaded, and threatened to kick him out of the house. Even though Phil went to multiple rehabs, he still couldn’t stop using pills.

The idea of change can vary depending on someone’s situation. Your child may wonder, will this solution work for me?

The idea of an intervention is explained in the book. When a person sees and learns more about what his drug or alcohol addiction is doing to his family, he may persuade him that he really does have a problem.

While your child has heard you talking about the dangers of drug use many times, hearing it from someone else who has been down the same path and who your child can relate to can lend a different perspective and one that is more appealing.

Interventions can work, but not always. Families have to change too. Bringing in an objective opinion is another way of promoting change. If your child is willing to talk to a professional or someone in recovery that he can relate to, that is another way to get your child to stop being in denial about their problem. It’s harder to stay in denial when you have multiple people giving you the same message.

Here is another point to notice about invitations to change, the closer the different invitations are, the bigger their impact. If you spread out your invitations to change over time, the effect is not so great.

When you are faced with substance use, you’ll have a better chance of getting your child to change when you consider the change process. Learn for yourself what works and what doesn’t.

If you want to learn more about change in various situations, read Jonah Berger’s book, The Catalyst. He offers many ideas that apply to the change you are trying to create.

Don’t give up. You can always keep trying new ways to get your child to change.

This article was updated on March 27, 2023.

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