Are you living in denial?
Would you rather look the other way than face the truth of your child’s drug or alcohol use?
Here is a story that demonstrates why denial can be a problem.
The mom opened the backpack and there it was, a strange small little bundle wrapped in foil. When she unwrapped the foil, the substance inside was dark in color. It looked and felt like something she had never seen before. What could it be, the mom wondered?
Her gut told her that there was something very wrong here. This was not an item that belonged in her daughter’s backpack. The idea of not knowing what the substance was, was frightening. She knew that kids these days were getting into all sorts of things. It was hard for a parent to keep up.
This mom had brought her daughter over to a friend’s house to take a career interest test. Her daughter had seemed so unsure of herself lately. She didn’t have any interest in learning about what her future might bring. She seemed confused about her interests and strengths, thus the test to help give her more information about herself.
The hope was that it might give her some direction.
While her daughter was taking the test, she had left her backpack back at the house. Something told the mom to just take a look. Funny, but she had never done that before. It felt like an invasion of her daughter’s privacy. She had always wanted to trust her kids and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Once she found this unusual substance, she knew she needed to get to the bottom of it. She called her former husband. Later that day, she gave him the substance to see if he could find out what it was before having a discussion with her daughter.
When he called her back, the message wasn’t good. He had taken it to the police station. He had asked if they had seen it before. The police told him it was crystal meth.
While it shocked and saddened them, the parents decided to first have a talk with their daughter. They wanted to find out more about why she was carrying drugs in her backpack. The mom was definitely out of her comfort zone.
So the parents sat down and had a discussion with their daughter. Now, armed with information about what the drug was, they asked her where she had gotten it and why she was carrying it. She burst into tears. She claimed that she was carrying it for a friend, that she didn’t use drugs and she wouldn’t do it again, because she knew it was wrong.
After more discussion about the dangers of drug use, and how concerned they both were, the parents felt that this was a one-time incident that would not happen again.
They assumed that this discussion had gone as well as expected. They held on to the thought that their daughter was telling the truth. They hoped that she would stay away from drugs. Her friends were nice enough. There were a couple of questionable people in their daughter’s life, Yet, they decided to take the watch and see approach.
Life continued on as her daughter finished her senior year in high school. The mom never did check her daughter’s pack back again. Nor did she check her room for signs of drug use. To the best of her knowledge, neither did her father. She was never drug tested.
My daughter continued to be an underachiever. One thing that was alarming is that her daughter seemed to be failing a simple home economics class. She had been accepted to college and seemed excited to go. Even though she was getting by well enough in her other classes, if she failed this home economics’ class, she may lose her spot at college. The mom made calls, talked to the teacher, and with continual prodding, she passed the class.
Off to college she went and looking back, her parents were probably more excited than she was. She was going along with the plan, because all her friends were leaving for school as well, and it seemed like the right thing to do.
The young women attended college and seemed to enjoy it at first, but it didn’t take long for things to unravel. After three semesters, her continued drug use became clear and she was no longer able to continue going to school. Instead, she needed to seek treatment to put her life back together.
This, if you have not guessed already, is our story. A story of two parents who loved and cared deeply about their child, but let things go, because they so wanted to believe that their daughter was making good decisions. Neither had any idea that her drug use would continue or become such a problem.
We both wanted to believe that everything was going well. The hope was that the incident in high school to be a passing phase and hoped that it would shortly be forgotten, a slight misstep that could easily be corrected with one discussion.
Not having the answers, we wanted to believe all this because we were frightened. Even more than that, being in denial was easier than having to face the shame of having a child with a drug problem, a problem we had no idea how to correct.
None of this was a conscious decision. Looking back, we didn’t have a clue about where this would lead and in our wildest imaginations, didn’t think our daughter would have a long-term drug problem.
A few kids from her high school had gone away to “therapeutic” high schools or boot camps, but none of those were close friends. We just hoped that things would get better as time went on and that our daughter’s drug experimentation would be short-lived.
Looking back I know we were all in denial about every aspect of the problem.
According to the Mayo Clinic: Denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations — but staying in denial can interfere with treatment or your ability to tackle challenges.
Denial is defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as a psychology failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism:
You may be a parent who also finds yourself in denial because you feel that you are not going to be in control, you are out of our comfort zone or because of the fear that it will bring shame to your family.
When you discover that your child is using drugs or alcohol, you may rush to find answers, or you may ignore the signs, hoping the problem will go away on its own.
Despite the loving intentions of most parents, it does far more harm than good to continue in denial than to face the situation and begin the process of finding solutions.
Here are three ways to move forward and break down the wall of denial:
Take responsibility, but do not blame yourself for the situation
While everyone has a part to play when drug or alcohol use becomes a problem, accept the fact that this is now your new reality. Let go of the past and use the present to make changes and find answers. Drug and alcohol abuse is unfortunately widespread these days, and you are not alone.
Addiction does not discriminate, so know that you did not cause your child to choose this path. Parents from many walks of life have experienced experimentation, dependence, and addiction with their kids. Finally, know that there are things that you, as a parent, can do.
Let go of feeling guilty
Forgive yourself because while you might feel that you there was some aspect of parenting that you could have done better, staying stuck in guilt, doesn’t serve you or your child well. All parents make mistakes and while we strive to do everything right, there are always things parents wish they could have done better.
Facing your child’s drug or alcohol use is the perfect time to reassess what is really going on with the family dynamics and to make changes so that life is better for everyone.
Don’t let the shame hold you back
Shame and stigma are a big problem when it comes to drug and alcohol dependence. Many continue to deny there is a problem because then they feel the shame of the situation. While these feelings are understandable, they do not help with reaching solutions. Letting shame hold you back, allows the problem to only grow larger. Reach out for help and surround yourself with those that have compassion and understanding for your situation.
While it may feel that being in denial is easier, it just feeds the problem and allows it to continue on.
Instead, learn all you can, talk about the issue, and reach out for help.
Get your Free Guide today.Is your child struggling with drugs or alcohol?
hi Cathy, thank you for sharing your story so honestly. It seems so much easier (in everything) to be in a state of denial but ultimately we have to face consequences and they are a lot worse than initially imagined. I think as you point out in #3, the shame and guilt (and taboo) of a child being on drugs really paralyzes and keeps parents in denial. Working through that seems to be key to helping one’s child and helping them recover.
Hi Vishu,
You are so right, that ultimately the consequences and staying in denial doesn’t help any situation. Different cultures are affected by their adolescent’s substance use in their own unique ways because of their beliefs.
I worked with a family where the son felt lost and uncomfortable, possibly because of his cultural background and used drugs to ease his stress and fit in. The parents were really struggling because they had not experienced this before and it was so foreign to their culture. The shame always makes it more difficult. It t is however, possible to work through it to a better place.
I honour your honesty and willingness to share your story Cathy. Guilt, shame and blame get in the way of so many of our choices, especially around addiction of loved ones. It must be one of the hardest things to acknowledge, but without recognizing the problem we can never discover the means to support and encourage those in need.
You are such a great blessing in the world Cathy and I know the help and support you offer is invaluable. 🙂
Guilt, shame and blame definitely play a part in substance use. They get in the way of making positive change and finding recovery. As with everything, the sooner we face the problem, the better for all involved.
Cathy,
I could feel the raw emotion in your story and I suspect you’ve never shared it in quite this way. What a blessing you are, as a mom and as a recovery advocate. I share your gratitude for recovery and for your good relationship with your daughter today.
Best to you!
This is a different take on my experience, that is for sure, Beth. I feel we all learned so much from our situation and sometimes you have to go through it fully to feel the consequences, but as we both know, we don’t wish that on anyone. If people can learn my mine or someone else’s experience, all the better.
This could be my parent’s story except instead of drugs, it would be depression and suicide. I talked to a school psychologist in high school about my suicidal thoughts and nothing came of it because I told them I was fine and a lapse in judgment.
I think my mom blamed herself for a long time because of it. I will have to send this to her. She doesn’t have to deal with it now, but 8 years ago she could have used this article : D.
I hope it finds its way to the people who need it.
I’m so glad that you found the help that you needed, Sebastian. As a parent, I know that I felt so bad that things didn’t turn out the way I expected. I’ve realized through the years that usually every family has something that isn’t perfect and although we all wish we could have done better, we did the best we could at the time. I hope your mom does receive some comfort out of the article and that she knows that there are many children that struggle, so she is not alone.
I am glad you realized that. It is so easy to assume that other families have it perfect because you are an outsider looking in, but in reality all families usually struggle with something.
I confronted my father about my childhood and forgave him years ago. One of the things he said in response is, “There is no handbook for raising kids.” That is what your reply made me think of. Everyone is trying their best with the tools they have. Hopefully, upon reading this parents will start to gather some more tools : D.
Recovery is very important to me I have been thought a lot in life and am reaching out to others for help and support that I cannot do on my own. Please click on my website link and contribute to the success of someone who is trying to rise above and beyond her situation and change for best
http://www.gofundme.com/bngopg please take time to help a fellow in recovery rise above and beyond her wildest dreams
Thanks for sharing, Allyssa. I’ll check out your website link.
I’ll say it again, the most meaningful and “impactful” messages come from those who’ve been there. Thanks, Cathy, for laying it all out for us. It’s that kind of courage that minimizes pain – and saves lives. The denial bug is strong, and seemingly saves us from so much perceived pain. But it just doesn’t work out, does it?! I appreciate and respect your use of “…our story.” It truly is a family affair, isn’t it? As always, thanks, Cathy…
Bill
It definitely is a family affair, Bill. As you know, everyone plays their part in the disease. When families learn and grow together, I feel there is a better chance for long lasting positive change. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Hi Cathy – what a brilliant article! You touch on so many critically important points, but there are 2 that stand out for me…
One is that loved ones do not cause the addict’s addiction. They may have contributed to the situation by using ‘enabling’ behaviours like denial, but they are not responsible for the choices made by the addict they love. That’s so hard for family and friends to understand, but it’s true nonetheless.
The 2nd is the shame and accompanying loneliness that loved ones feel, until they understand how many people are affected by someone else’s addiction – it’s astonishing (and so unfortunate) how many of us are affected by addiction these days. Once we start talking about it and no longer keep it secret, we find the help and support we need.
I hope that everyone who is struggling with an addicted loved one will reach out for that support – there are things people can do that truly help, and life really can get better.
You hit on two great points, Candace. I know I, especially at the beginning had a hard time letting go of feeling that I caused the addiction. That never feels so great and when you stand back and look at the big picture, you realize that so many variables come into play when someone decides to use drugs or alcohol to numb their pain.
I too hope that more families will reach out for help. I still talk to parents who have not talked to many people outside their family about the problem and hold so much inside. I know it is not healthy. They best way to find solutions is to reach out to others for help. Take care and thanks for stopping by.
Hello Cathy,
Ana G. here from CT. I really appreciate this article and all you offer. I have passed your information on to the group I co-facilitate. There are many paths and resources toward freedom and joy, I’m so happy to pass your name on as one of them. Support and education is the way to break the stigma and shine light on the solutions.
Thank you
Hi Ana,
Thanks so much for passing my information along. I just finished reading Diana Clark’s book, Addiction Recovery: A Family’s Journey. Thank you for sharing her work with me. It was very informative. My feeling is that the more options people have, the better. They can then pick and choose what works for their situation. Take care and I appreciate you stopping by.
Powerful. Powerful. Powerful. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Tess!
Hi, a very informative story, I am glad that you shared this story with us, we can all be aware of what’s really happening around and should learn to acknowledge a stressful situation like this. Thanks for sharing. Great post.
Hi Sherill,
Thank you for stopping by and I’m glad that you found the article informative.