Are you living in denial?
Would you rather look the other way than face the truth of your child’s drug or alcohol use?
Here is a story that demonstrates why denial can be a problem.
The mom opened the backpack, and there it was, a strange, small bundle wrapped in foil. When she unwrapped the foil, the substance inside was dark. It looked and felt like something she had never seen before. What could it be, the mom wondered?
Her gut told her that there was something very wrong here. This was not an item that belonged in her daughter’s backpack. The idea of not knowing what the substance was was frightening. She knew that kids these days were getting into all sorts of things. It was hard for a parent to keep up.
This mom had brought her daughter over to a friend’s house to take a career interest test. Her daughter had seemed so unsure of herself lately. She had no interest in learning what her future might bring. She seemed confused about her interests and strengths, thus the test to help give her more information about herself.
The hope was that it might give her some direction.
While her daughter was taking the test, she had left her backpack at the house. Something told the mom to just take a look. Funny, but she had never done that before. It felt like an invasion of her daughter’s privacy. She had always wanted to trust her kids and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Once she found this unusual substance, she knew she needed to get to the bottom of it. She called her former husband. Later that day, she gave him the substance to see if he could find out what it was before having a discussion with her daughter.
When he called her back, the message wasn’t good. He had taken it to the police station. He had asked if they had seen it before. The police told him it was crystal meth.
While it shocked and saddened them, the parents decided to talk with their daughter first. They wanted to find out more about why she was carrying drugs in her backpack. The mom was definitely out of her comfort zone.
So the parents sat down to discuss their daughter. Now, armed with information about what the drug was, they asked her where she had gotten it and why she was carrying it. She burst into tears. She claimed that she was carrying it for a friend, that she didn’t use drugs, and she wouldn’t do it again, because she knew it was wrong.
After more discussion about the dangers of drug use and how concerned they both were, the parents felt that this was a one-time incident that would not happen again.
The parents assumed that this discussion had gone as well as expected. They held on to the thought that their daughter was telling the truth. Of course, they hoped that she would stay away from drugs. Her friends were nice enough. There were a couple of questionable people in their daughter’s life, yet they decided to take the wait-and-see approach.
Life continued on as her daughter finished her senior year in high school. The mom never did check her daughter’s backpack again. Nor did she check her room for signs of drug use. To the best of her knowledge, neither did her father. She was never drug tested.
My daughter continued to be an underachiever. One thing that was alarming was that her daughter seemed to be failing a simple home economics class. She had been accepted to college and seemed excited to go. Even though she was getting by well enough in her other classes, if she failed this home economics class, she might lose her spot at college. The mom made calls, talked to the teacher, and, with continual prodding, she passed the class.
Off to college she went, and looking back, her parents were probably more excited than she was. She was going along with the plan because all her friends were leaving for school as well, and it seemed like the right thing to do.
The young woman attended college and seemed to enjoy it at first, but it didn’t take long for things to unravel. After three semesters, her continued drug use became clear, and she was no longer able to continue going to school. Instead, she needed to seek treatment to put her life back together.
This, if you have not guessed already, is our story. A story of two parents who loved and cared deeply about their child, but let things go, because they so wanted to believe that their daughter was making good decisions. Neither had any idea that her drug use would continue or become such a problem.
We both wanted to believe that everything was going well. The hope was that the incident in high school would be a passing phase and would be forgotten soon, a slight misstep that could easily be corrected with one discussion.
Not having the answers, we wanted to believe all this because we were frightened. Even more than that, being in denial was easier than having to face the shame of having a child with a drug problem, a problem we had no idea how to correct.
None of this was a conscious decision. Looking back, we didn’t have a clue about where this would lead, and in our wildest imaginations, didn’t think our daughter would have a long-term drug problem.
A few kids from her high school had gone away to “therapeutic” high schools or boot camps, but none of those were close friends. We just hoped that things would get better as time went on and that our daughter’s drug experimentation would be short-lived.
Looking back, I know we were all in denial about every aspect of the problem.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations — but staying in denial can interfere with treatment or your ability to tackle challenges.
Denial is defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as a psychological failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism:
You may be a parent who also finds yourself in denial because you feel that you are not going to be in control, you are out of your comfort zone, or because of the fear that it will bring shame to your family.
When you discover that your child is using drugs or alcohol, you may rush to find answers, or you may ignore the signs, hoping the problem will go away on its own.
Despite the loving intentions of most parents, it does far more harm than good to continue in denial than to face the situation and begin the process of finding solutions.
Here are three ways to move forward and break down the wall of denial:
Take responsibility, but do not blame yourself for the situation
While everyone has a part to play when drug or alcohol use becomes a problem, accept the fact that this is now your new reality. Let go of the past and use the present to make changes and find answers. Drug and alcohol abuse is unfortunately widespread these days, and you are not alone.
Addiction does not discriminate, so know that you did not cause your child to choose this path. Parents from many walks of life have experienced experimentation, dependence, and addiction with their kids. Finally, know that there are things that you, as a parent, can do.
Let go of feeling guilty
Forgive yourself because while you might feel that there was some aspect of parenting that you could have done better, staying stuck in guilt doesn’t serve you or your child well. All parents make mistakes, and while we strive to do everything right, there are always things we wish we had done better.
Facing your child’s drug or alcohol use is the perfect time to reassess what is really going on with the family dynamics and to make changes so that life is better for everyone.
Don’t let the shame hold you back
Shame and stigma are big problems when it comes to drug and alcohol dependence. Many continue to deny there is a problem because then they feel the shame of the situation. While these feelings are understandable, they do not help with reaching solutions. Letting shame hold you back allows the problem to only grow larger. Reach out for help and surround yourself with those who have compassion and understanding for your situation.
While it may feel easier to be in denial, it only feeds the problem and allows it to continue.
Instead, learn all you can, talk about the issue, and reach out for help.
Thank you for reading. You can get more tips in my email newsletter. Every other week, I share tips and ideas to help parents motivate their son or daughter to change if they are struggling with substance use. Join us by entering your email now.
