Are you struggling with the pain of addiction?
I’ve recently gone to some parent meetings that have been pretty intense. We laugh a lot at our meetings, which may seem strange, but if you don’t laugh at least once in a while, the only alternative is to cry.
Lately, there have been tears. Tears because of relapsing children, because children are trying to attend college while trying to manage their prescription drug addiction, and tears because of the frustration of once again finding ourselves engaging in enabling behaviors.
The tears bring you back to why you came to the meeting in the first place. You come to a meeting to have 90 minutes for you. It is your time to listen, to talk and find out how you can live a peaceful and serene life in the midst of the chaos of the addiction.
Many parents come to meetings with paper and pencil in hand ready to write down all the things that will fix their struggling child. They are surprised when their paper is blank and they have nothing to write down. There are no easy answers or a list for fixing someone struggling with addiction.
“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” — Joseph Campbell
There is always hope.
The hope is that your loved one will make the decision that his or her life is not working and they want to make a change.
It is hard to watch their personal journey.
What can you do to support yourself? Some ideas are to work on yourself. Take steps to ensure that your body will remain healthy. Help yourself so that you will be relieved of emotional exhaustion.
Look around and try to find a little joy in your life.
Here are some ideas on how to let the sunshine back in your life when you are feeling overwhelmed by addiction:
1. Reach out for support
Find support in a way that works for you. A coach, counselor, a support group or just interacting with friends can be helpful. You will realize you are not alone and that others have similar concerns. You can share and listen openly without feelings of shame. You will begin to feel connected to something in an otherwise chaotic situation. Don’t try and deal with your family member’s substance use alone.
2. Exercise
Even taking a walk on a regular basis can do wonders for relieving the stress of dealing with addiction. When you find an exercise outlet that works for you and you make it a regular part of your week, you will begin to feel better, stronger and more hopeful.
3. Write down your fears
Sometimes fears can feel overwhelming and the continual mind chatter can keep you in a dark place. Writing for even 10 to 15 minutes a day can make a difference. You gain power over your fears and have a place to vent all those pent-up emotions. Once your fears and worries are on paper, your mind is more clear and a burden will be lifted.
4. Find some quiet moments
Sitting quietly for a few moments each day without any distractions helps to center our thoughts. It gives us a chance to stop, breathe and give our mind a rest. Our relationship with ourselves can become better and more comfortable. We can find our center when we go inside. Our best ideas often come to us when we take a little time each day to sit and be alone.
5. Do something nice for yourself
Turn the tables and go do something fun. Go to a movie, a ball game or meet some friends for lunch or dinner. Bring a beautiful bouquet of flowers into the house. Take care of yourself and give yourself the most tender loving care that you deserve. Don’t do it just once. Make it a regular part of your life. Treat yourself well and your mind and body will reap the benefits.
6. Stay positive
While you cannot solve someone else’s problems, you can love them, be there for them, and understand what they are going through. Stay as positive as possible. A positive approach will give you a better chance of having your child change their life for the better. Maintain control and do your best to keep your emotions in check.
Even though the pain of addiction can feel overwhelming, take some time to find your sunshine again. You can have a good day and a good life. You can be happier no matter what your family members and friends decide to do.
As Emerson asked, “Why should the way I feel depend on the thoughts in someone else’s head?”
What has worked for you to ease the pain of your child’s substance use? Let us know in comments.
This is SUCH an important post, Cathy. Gosh, I remember my early meetings and my desperation for answers that would make the pain go away. You’ve included some wonderful suggestions, here. I used to use sticky notes with some of the slogans / sayings on them and place them on my bathroom mirror, car dashboard, beside table, laptop… I’d use these slogans to remind me of their underlying meaning as a means of grounding myself, again, when the fear took hold. I thought I’d share a few of my favorite:
HALT. Hungry, Angry [and I’ve added Anxious], Lonely or Tired.
Stop everything and regroup. HAALT is one of my favorite slogans to help with this. Ask yourself, “Am I hungry, angry, anxious, lonely or tired?” Generally, I’ve found when I HAALT at the first sense of that unsettled, anxious feeling, I can get to the real source of my anxiety, which very often is not what I thought it was. Then, I can deal with the source issue appropriately – such as stopping to eat, calling a friend, taking a nap or figuring out exactly what I’m angry or anxious about. If I don’t, then I usually make things worse because I’ve done something like rush my daughter through something we’d planned together because my thoughts are consumed with being mad at Alex [the name I’ve given the composite of my various loved ones who grapple or are in recovery from their alcoholism].
One Day at a Time
And for me, this has boiled down to the next 5 minutes at a time. It’s the idea that no matter how bad it may be, you just have to get through one day (or 5 minutes) and somehow that makes it seem achievable.
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed
I use this to keep me from giving into the panic caused by the unknown. I used to have intense fear of the unknown and could not take action because I didn’t have all the answers or know all of the possible outcomes – “what if . . .” was my common refrain. Now I don’t let fear dictate what I do or don’t do.
The other thing that really helped me was to learn as much about the disease of addiction (whether it is to drugs or alcohol), for it is a brain disease, and as such, the disease is what changes a person’s brain and therefore how that person behaves — what they think, feel, say and do.
Thanks, again, Cathy, for a great post!
Hi Lisa,
Thanks so much for adding this wonderful information and what worked for you. This is very helpful. I also would do a lot of the “what if’s,” and finally realized it just wasn’t helping and would just add to my fears. You have some great suggestions. Living in the moment can change your whole outlook on life. When dealing with this disease or any disease, constantly worrying about the future can be exhausting. It is so wonderful to share with others who have experienced the same situation. Thanks for your comment!
I can’t remember who wrote: “I survived so many disasters that never happened.”
In my case I let my imagination work on something else and for a while I don’t feed it with disasters.
I also work again and again on the first step of AA, and ALANON: we are powerless
Meetings are very helpful after sharing our pain because we learn about what has been tried by others.
I am seeing my husband of 45 years destroy himself day after day starting at 7:00 am and ending about 3:00 am, and I am helpless just assisting at the progression of the disease.
In a healthy way I started taking care of myself: not neglecting my looks, eating healthy food, watching a movie. It was very hard at the beginning, but now it is becoming a habit. Sometimes we don’t do that because we fear others would think we are indifferent, but my feedback told me the opposite: you are taking good care of yourself despite the situation you are confronted with.
At least if our loved addict asks for help we will be strong enough to provide it.
Keep in touch with a support group but keep connecting with other people for distraction and if not asked, don’t speak about your agony. After a while we can become boring and lose the connection of the world we hope one day to belong to.
If you are a”fixer” like me, try arranging your cabinets (takes time but reawarding).
All these tricks could seem silly particularly when we are so depressed and tired that even brushing our teeth and taking a shower is the maximum we are able to do, (been there) but with baby steps we reach the point we can achieve a lot of nice things for our own sanity.
We fortunally or sadly are surrounded by people sharing the same experience at different level.
We are not alone.
LOVE and COURAGE, Selma
Hi Selma,
Meetings can be the foundation for many who are faced with this situation on a day to day basis. It is very difficult to watch a loved one with the disease of alcoholism. Being able to share with others and hear their stories helps us to not feel shame and so alone. How wonderful that you are finding ways in your life to help yourself and find a little joy in your life. It is not easy, but reaching out and seeking ways to find comfort can make a big difference in our lives. Thank you for your comment.
I’ve not had a good experience with the two different Al-Anon groups I attended. It was incredibly sad and depressing. My grandson has again relapsed and Cathy’s post encourages me to keep trying. Maybe the makeup of the groups I attended have changed. Maybe I have changed. I am working to build a separate life, but I will be visiting him and our son in a few days and it will be difficult. Such a long, agonizing journey with him. Until I return home, I will try to focus on my other grandchildren, the scenery, a good mystery. No fixing.
Hi Linda,
I’m sorry that your grandson has relapsed. I know that is difficult for any family member. Remember too, that relapsing is part of the journey towards recovery, so don’t give up hope. Sometimes they have to take two steps back, before they can go forward. The advice I have heard regarding Al-Anon is to try six meetings before you decide. Certainly it is not for everyone, but I know it has helped me and many others. Try to focus on your other grandchildren. They need and want you too and deserve to have your attention. Thanks for the comment.