Are you concerned about your child and their pain because of subsistence use?
Do you feel that you’ve tried to help, but nothing seems to work?
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I remember being in emotional pain when dealing with our family’s substance use. I wanted to find ways to help myself but wasn’t sure which way to turn.
When someone is in emotional pain, they often withdraw, hibernate, pull back, isolate, and feel excluded because they feel embarrassed or want to be alone.
Some people lash out when they are in pain. Others become resentful and blame their situation on the people around them.
It can feel impossible to look within because if you do, you may have to accept that you are partly responsible for creating your pain. That is a hard lesson to learn.
As a parent looking in from the sidelines, you want to do whatever it takes to improve the situation. You try to fix the problem and find yourself using money, a new car, a place to live, a hot meal, love, and affection. You may feel guilty for what you believe to be your part in the pain. As a result, you shed tears, yell, beg, nag, and scold.
You offer suggestions that are rejected. And then, you may have to listen to why the pain is your fault. Family members point fingers, often blaming each other.
Everyone has a plan to help, except the person in pain.
You find yourself constantly making excuses for why your child is in pain, doesn’t attend family functions, seems to be continually struggling, and isn’t moving forward with their life.
Slowly the enabling, the constant worrying, and the sadness take their toll. Your heart is still filled with love, but you realize you struggle to understand everything. You want them to love themselves so their life can change for the better.
At some point, you feel exhausted. You realize that it’s time to STOP.
It is time to say goodbye to the emotional pain that has gone on for years. You accept that you can love your child, but you can’t make them love themselves.
Here are three ways to continue to love your child and be of some help.
You can address the problem with compassion.
According to Meika Hamisch, a certified Compassion Cultivation Trainer,
The basic definition of compassion is the recognition of suffering and then the desire to alleviate that suffering. Sometimes we can actually do something to help, sometimes, we can’t (other than doing a compassion meditation for that person/situation). But whether or not we can actually take ‘action’ on behalf of our own suffering or others’, we recognize the suffering and wish that person to be free of suffering. So with addictions, there would be a recognition that a person is suffering….as defined as any unease…and then the desire to relieve that suffering. It’s about understanding what one’s suffering is…and then addressing it at that level.
While you can help, you cannot fix or change someone else’s life unless they are ready to make that change. Accept them for who they are, even if they have issues they are not prepared to work on.
Hang on to the hope that your child will make the positive changes you are waiting for.
Ask, How Can I Help?
Ask the question with heart. So often, when someone is in pain, everyone tries to give a solution. It can feel overwhelming. There is no buy-in because it is not a solution your child is necessarily interested in. People do better when they discover their answers to a problem.
You can ask, “How can I help?” Be ready to help in constructive ways. If there is something your child wants you to do, be sure you are helping in a way that supports the solution to the problem.
Take Care of Yourself.
It is essential to consider your health and give yourself the respect you deserve. You are not abandoning your child; you are simply caring for yourself.
Exercise in any way that works for you. Try walking, yoga, swimming, or tennis. Find something that will keep your body moving.
Take a moment to sit each day and give your mind a rest. Your feelings and intuition will become clear. It will help with anxiety, depression, and inner peace.
Write often in a journal which will lead you to your inner thoughts. It helps you to think through and solve family issues, so you feel empowered and understand yourself and your situation.
We never want to give up on our kids. They need our love and support.
Give your child an example to follow, the tools to help themselves, and the responsibility for their own lives.
Finally, each night before you fall asleep, think good thoughts for your child’s well-being and safety. Send positive wishes to your child. Know there is always hope that they will love themselves in the future.
The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself. ~ Steve Maraboli
How can I help you? Don’t hesitate to reach out. I love to hear from my readers!
This article was updated on July 17, 2022.
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