How to Rebuild Trust After Rehab

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” ~ Stephen Covey

I recently talked to a mom who is struggling with trust issues.

Her son, Kyle, is in his early 20’s. Kyle is currently finishing up a treatment program because of his meth use. Kyle has had many relapses, which has been frustrating for his mom.

In the spring of last year, Kyle made up his mind that he was not going to use meth any longer. After all the trouble he had experienced, Kyle felt ready to stop using drugs. Kyle went through an outpatient program and was on a healthy path. Also, he got a job and was talking about returning to school.

Then one night, he asked his mom if he could use the car to visit some friends. She was hesitant, but she agreed since he had been doing so well. Kyle came home on time and stayed sober.  Then Kyle asked the following weekend to go out with some friends, and again things went well. The next week, he wanted to visit some old buddies from high school. His mom said yes, as she was feeling more confident that he was finally in a stable place.

He didn’t come home that night, and when he arrived the next day, Kyle’s mom knew he had been using meth again. She was crestfallen. She didn’t want to see her son back on that path.

After a few more incidences of drug use, Kyle agreed to go to an inpatient program. Now Kyle is ready to take the next step, which for him is sober living. His mom is now anxious again about Kyle’s future and wonders if he’ll stick to his recovery plan.

Can you relate?

Has your child had starts and stops in their recovery?

Sending your son or daughter off to treatment can be a huge relief.

You can get off that long and chaotic road of not being able to trust your son or daughter.

It is an important milestone when your son or daughter is ready for help.

Yet there is that inevitable day when your child, like Kyle, finishes rehab. They most likely are either coming home, going to sober living, or living independently. Your anxiety may start to get the better of you as that day approaches.

Thoughts of your child going back to their drug use may take you back to feeling worried and stressed.

So how do you build trust again after so many disappointments in the past? Remember, your child needs to earn your trust. Often they do, but it is not immediate.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

As a parent, you can help with the process of rebuilding trust.

Here are five things to consider as you return to having a positive relationship with your child.

Have patience.

Restoring trust is going to take time. Expect to feel skeptical of what your child is doing during the first year or at least the first few months. Your trust will be restored when you see that your child is doing well. Don’t assume trust will develop overnight. It may take a few months of positive behavior before you feel comfortable trusting your child again. Have patience with the process. Your child is learning to trust himself again.

Keep lines of communication open.

Spend time with your child and have open conversations. Sharing information in a kind, considerate way leaves the door open for him or her to do the same. Positive communication supports the change process. For each person, recovery will look different. You could ask your child what you can do to help if that feels appropriate for your situation. Use open-ended questions so there is less defensiveness.

Let your child take the lead.

While trying to manage your child’s recovery may be tempting, this is a time to step back and let them take the lead. Do your best not to ask your son or daughter if they’ve gone to a meeting or another invasive question about their recovery. Through the treatment process, your child has hopefully discovered what change will look like for them.

Let them know that you trust them to make healthy decisions. That gives your son or daughter a better chance of meeting your expectations.

Remember that past lying and other harmful behavior served a purpose. The change process provides an opportunity for your child to practice being truthful. As long as you see behavior that feels right to you, the chances are that your child stays trustworthy.

Practice C.A.R.D.

Carole Bennett, in her article, “Rebuilding Trust in the Recovery Process,” has developed an acronym for what family and friends

should be experiencing as their loved ones’ recovery process strengthens:

C.A.R.D.

Credibility = trustworthy
Accountability = answerable for
Responsibility = fulfilled obligation
Dependability = reliable

She says, “Through the addiction process, an enormous amount of trust is broken. The collective “C.A.R.D.” acronym means trust, and when the credibility, accountability, responsibility, and dependability become everyday occurrences, then trust can start to be restored again.”

Again, this is a process that takes time.

Don’t expect perfection.

With any change, there are many starts and stops. Hopefully, with the treatment that your child has experienced, they are ready to embrace change. Yet, everyone makes mistakes. If your child makes a mistake, help him back on track as soon as possible. If your child is trying, appreciate the effort they are making,

We are all human. Your child is bound to make a mistake on occasion. With time and effort, things should begin to smooth out. You can still build trust with your child even though the road is not straight.

Notice what your child is doing well.

Trust builds when you can see one affirmative action after another. Research shows that when you acknowledge positive behavior, the chances are higher that it will occur again.  Be on the lookout for what your child is doing well. They have taken a big step to change their life.  Supporting their actions in the form of words or rewards will go a long way to keeping them on their path to recovery. This will help with building trust. Your child needs you now more than ever. As the positive momentum builds, so will your faith in your son or daughter.

After four months in sober living, Kyle continues to do well. He and his mom have stayed close and talked often. Their trust in each other has continued to grow. They are both seeing the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

This article was updated in March 2024.

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