I had the pleasure of reading Sandy Swenson’s heartfelt story of her son’s journey into addiction.
Her powerful tale of parental love and hope is one of those books that will heal the hearts of others who so desperately want to know that they are not alone.
Sandy’s story will resonate with those who love a child. Her strength, determination, and hope for a miracle will remain unforgettable.
Please welcome Sandy Swenson, author of The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction.
What inspired you to write The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story Of Her Son’s Addiction?
When I first started to write The Joey Song, I was trying to heal. I was trying to understand the toxic corrosion of addiction eating away at my son, my family, my heart. I was also secretly hoping that one day my son would read the words I had written and be forever changed; I was hoping that by the time I got to the last chapter I’d have a happy ending to write about.
But, as it turns out, my story, like so many others, is a story without closure. So, I started to write the book I so desperately needed to read; I started to write The Joey Song for parents like me, parents whose beloved children remain in active addiction.
For parents living in a place where love and addiction meet–a place where help enables and hope hurts. For parents trying to figure out the difference between helping their child to live and helping him to die. For parents grieving the loss of a child who is still alive. For parents needing to find a recovery of their own.
I’ve heard it said that for every addict, another four lives are affected. That means there’s a lot of suffering going on. And, for too many people, stigma and shame have them suffering in silence.
When addiction grabs a child, it chokes a parent. I know the life-draining squeeze of its grip. I’ve never felt so incapable and helpless, so sad, so lonely. Such fear. My child has been stolen from me–stolen from himself–and I mourn Joey’s loss and suffering from a very lonely place.
There is no broad community empathy or support for the families of addicts. There is no rallying cry of solidarity, no pretty ribbon brigade, and none of the comfort that so often gets baked into meatloaf and muffins. Instead, there are closed doors and mouths and minds, and hearts.
I want addiction to be understood, not misrepresented, misjudged, and mishandled. Not hushed up or hidden away. Nasty things grow most freely in dark corners; the scourge of addiction needs to be dragged out into the light.
So, I share my story of love and loss and learning. And surviving my son’s addiction while coming to terms with the fact that he may not.
When addiction is understood as a disease, it will be treated as a disease ― but this is an understanding that will happen only when those of us who love an addict stop hiding addiction as though it’s a disgrace.
No more shame, no more silence.
How has your son’s addiction affected your life and what did you do to help yourself?
My baby grew up to be an addict. There was a time when I believed a mother’s love could fix anything, but it can’t fix this. So, there’s a gaping hole in my life where my son should be. Falling in the hole or filling it up are my only options, so I’m taking steps to fill it.
I choose to honor my son with my words and my actions―not the addict.
This doesn’t mean I don’t care. Or don’t hurt. Or won’t cry. It just means I will fill the hole in my life where Joey should be with goodness, not badness. Kindness, not madness.
I’m not ashamed of Joey. I’m sad for him. And, I’m not ashamed to be the mother of an addict. I will no longer behave as though addiction is a dark secret and I’m not going to live like a cockroach hiding under a rock.
I will be open and honest about what addiction has done to Joey and to our family, hopefully helping some people along the way, with my blog and my book, The Joey Song.
Like Joey, I have choices. And I choose to live life.
What are three things you’ve told yourself that kept you going during your darkest hour?
“I will not help the addict to kill my son.”
For years, I did everything I could to protect Joey from himself, until, finally, I realized it wasn’t him that I was protecting. I was protecting the addict. Making it easy for the addict. Giving the addict one more day to further consume my son’s body and mind. I was helping the addict to kill the son I was trying to save.
Once I realized this it changed everything; my motherly love would need to be contorted and redefined. There’s nothing about this kind of love that feels good, but I’m not doing it for me. It’s not called Tough Love because it’s mean. It’s called Tough Love because it is tough to do. But I will do nothing, ever again, to help the addict. Because, if I do, I have no hope of ever seeing my son.
I told Joey once to never underestimate my love for him, and this is what I meant–I love him enough to bear the toughest love of all.
To Let Go is to Love. I can do both, and I can survive.
“It’s not the addict I hope will be grateful for my love. It’s my son.”
My son is the one who needs my support. My son needs to see my strength. My devotion. My resolve.
My son needs me to face down his worst enemy, not help it.
My son and the addict may share the same shadow but they will not share my love. My son is the one I want to see live beyond tomorrow.
“Letting Go is not the same thing as giving up.”
The expression “Letting Go” implies, well, letting go–as in dropping or throwing away–and as any mother knows, that’s just not possible. There is no Letting Go in a mother’s heart–not of a hand once held. Even if that little hand grows into a big hand attached to a horrid addict. But that’s not what Letting Go means. I now understand. It means to let go of the things that aren’t mine to hold on to. The things that have anything to do with addiction.
In Letting Go of my son, I’m letting him know that I believe in him. That I believe he can do this. Like a hug, full of my love, I Let Go believing that he will find his way back.
If a parent walked up to you asking for your advice and you only had a few minutes to give them your best tip(s), what would it be?
“Sometimes love means doing nothing rather than doing something. “
Our children are not marionettes we can control with words or wishful thinking. Our actions are not their actions. Our pulling the strings isn’t the same thing as them doing the work. It took me a long time to realize that my enabling was giving Joey a stage to go through the motions of recovery and that if he was going to have a chance at the real success I needed to clip the strings.
There’s nothing I can say or do to stop Joey’s addiction, but he needs to have a reason to stop. He needs to know I’m keeping the place where he belongs in my life warm. I will not give him advice or a sympathetic ear or even believe a word he says, but as long as Joey is alive I will find ways to leave traces of love along with my Letting Go.
All I can do for Joey now is love him. But he will know it. And that is something.
What do you want readers to take away from your story?
Addiction is a disease, not a disgrace. It is not an issue for moral judgment.
Addiction begins where dalliance becomes a disease, and it can happen to anyone who has taken a sip or puff or snort (which our culture entices every young person to do), or even a pill prescribed for pain.
As a parent, I made a lot of mistakes, but causing my son to be an addict is not one of them. If imperfect parenting caused addiction, then everyone would be an addict. The reason someone starts to drink or use drugs is not the same reason why someone cannot stop.
The only thing we have control over is our own reactions. We cannot make our addict embrace recovery but we can stop the spread of the disease. We can stop the toxic corrosion of addiction eating away at our family and our soul. Recovery begins with us.
Recovery can happen even if it does not happen within our addict. It is not selfish for parents to take care of themselves. Be the example you wish to see.
Sandy Swenson is the mother of two sons–one of whom is an addict. The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction chronicles her journey through the place where love and addiction meet. Learn more about Sandy at her website, SandySwenson.com
Thank you for reading!
If you enjoyed this interview, please share it.
love this Mother of the Addict, she is just what every addict needs ! Great story, I will share this on our site to be read around the WORLD… Thanks Ma, Craig/Dad-2
https://www.facebook.com/pages/DAAD-Drug-Addicts-Against-DRUGS/827943680551991
Hey Craig,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing the interview – much appreciated.
Take care.
Thanks so much for your support and kind words, Craig!
Sandy
Sending heartfelt thanks for this wonderful post. It is so powerful & touched upon exactly where I have come to in my own journey. It put into words for me what I am emotionally experiencing & can’t find my own words for, as I Let Go & Let God. I pray everyday for my 45 yr old son’s recovery. It has been a long painful journey that began when he was a teen.
I had to chose LIFE & finally LET GO…….your post helped me feel my feelings & shed pent up tears. THANKS…I look forward to reading the book:)
Welcome Betsy,
I’m glad to hear that the interview touched you. I do believe that when stories are shared, like The Joey Song parents feel less alone. My heart goes out to you regarding your son. Know that there is hope that he will seek recovery at some point in the near future. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Betsy, so grateful that this interview spoke to you. Sending warm hugs to you on your long journey.
Sandy
i have read part of this. its enlighting to be able to share your thoughts and feelings about this terrible drug that is taking our childrens lives before they have really lived or taking over families lives. you feel so helpless but sharing this with others can hopefully make a difference and understanding
Hi Jean,
Welcome. I agree that reaching out and sharing helps not only ourselves, but helps others. I hope you are able to read Sandy’s book and resonate with her story.
Hi Jean,
We are not alone.
Sending hugs!
Sandy
Absolutely brilliant. Thank you. I would love to share it on Facebook but I can’t see how to do it.
I’m glad you enjoyed the interview. I have a Like button on the side, but if you grab the link, you can easily share on Facebook. Thank you for stopping by.
Megan,
Sending love and hugs.
Sandy
Damn, Cathy and Sandy – a heart-wrenching set of circumstances. Thank you for bringing it to the fore. Millions of others are in the same boat, no doubt.
I don’t manage substance use issues in my practice – exclusively emotional/mental disorders – mood, anxiety, etc. However, the same parental/loved one “fallout” dynamic exists. I’ve held the hand of many a parent who had to have their child leave their home because they’d become so out of control. Heartbreaking.
“Sometimes love means doing nothing rather than doing something.“ How true (frustratingly).
Thanks to you both for sharing with us…
Bill
I’m glad you like the interview, Bill. Sandy’s story is so powerful and I know it will touch the hearts of so many. Thanks for stopping by.
Bill,
Thanks so much for your warm words. Appreciate your support and understanding of how this all sits with so many families.
Best,
Sandy
I read your book, Sandy, and it’s AMAZING, as is your interview. Whether a person’s loved one is a child, parent, sibling or spouse, your book and the wisdom you share here is sure to help. Thank you both!
Lisa,
Thank you so much for your support and for helping to make the world of struggling parents smaller.
Hugs,
Sandy
Thanks Lisa for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have a child who is an addict. You are right though that one of the best things you can do after while is nothing and to let go. Many times one can fall into reinforcing the person’s addiction and it ends up just making it stronger.
I send positive vibes your way. Keep up the good fight!
Sebastian,
Thanks so much for your kind words and support!
Best,
Sandy
Been going through this myself with my child. I am at the letting go stage. It’s hard but it needs to be done.
Hi Sue –
Dealing with our kid’s substance use is challenging. It can be stressful for parents. Do take care of yourself and know that there is hope for your child.
Take care.
Thank you for your amazing book with such a well-written understand to parent to child about addiction. I pray daily for our son and I have let go. I encourage him and give him words of wisdom. I passed this on to him today to read your post and book. Many blesings, Dee Ann
Hey Dee Ann,
Welcome and thanks for stopping by. I’m glad to hear that the book resonated with you. There certainly are things parents can do, but sometimes they do need to let go and take care of themselves. Take care.
I found Joeys Song overwhelmingly sad. May God have mercy on us all.
Coping with your child’s drug abuse is sad for any mom. I understand your feelings. It is wonderful that Sandy was willing to share her story to help others.
Indeed, seems in sharing and letting go, she has found some peace. In the end this may be the path to follow…learning to live with the pain. Low day today….perhaps brighter tomorrow.
Thank you Sandy Swenson for giving me the courage to shine a light in my dark corners.
I have lost my son through his addiction I love him and miss him I am looking after his two little boys that I know he loves and wants them back but him and his partner won’t get the help they need to make this happen. Sandy you are a strong woman xx
Love cannot exist without direct, sustained, and heartfelt engagement with the other person. If Joey had cancer, Sandy would be his donor. If Joey was mugged at the convenience store, his mom would copy the license plate of her son’s assailant. Should Joey ever have a family of his own and need a sitter for his children, I’m sure gramma Sandy wouldn’t hesitate to volunteer her time and love. Sandy’s manipulative abandonment of Joey is stigmatizing to addicts as a whole and may one day cost her son his life. Addicts and recovering addicts need to their families be accountable for the double-standard they have in regards to caring for their so-called “loved ones”.
Sorry you just don’t get it.
Sandy
I just found the article about your story. As I read further into it, I found that your book, “The Joey Song” was written about your son, Joey❤ My youngest son, Joey, was also an addict. My husband & I thought we were helping him but realized we didn’t know what we were doing. Joey finally went into rehab for the “whole” 2 wks that insurance would cover & for 5 weeks he was his “normal” sweet self again❤ Then he relapsed. He was found unresponsive on the bathroom floor at work on August 8, 2017. He was pronounced brain dead and died August 11, 2017. He was 25 ??? God Bless You and your family ❤
I’m so sorry to hear about your son, Lynn. That is heartbreaking. I hope you and your family were able to find support to help you through the grief and pain of losing your son.
Oh Lynn, I’m so sorry. My heart just aches for you. I can only imagine the pain of this loss. I’m keeping you close in thought and prayer.
All international merchants of the drug-abuse/addiction scourge must be targeted for long-overdue political action and justice.
However, Western pharmaceutical corporations have intentionally pushed their own very addictive and profitable opiate. Yet, via civil litigation, they got off relatively lightly, considering the resulting immense suffering and overdose death numbers. [I call it the REAL moral crime.]
Here, we also still largely neglect people dealing with debilitating drug addiction, which should never have been an acceptable or preferable political option.
The more callous politics that are typically involved with lacking addiction funding/services tend to reflect conservative electorate opposition, however irrational, against making proper treatment available to low- and no-income addicts.
To me it’s like some people are perceived as being somehow disposable.
I am so grateful for this article. It opens different ways to look at addiction. My son is nearly 20 years old. He struggles with mental health and addition since many years. There were ups and downs but there is a little improvement in his journey which is positive thing. During this journey I am learning a lot of about myself and I am starting seeing that to help him I need recovery myself. I need to do my work. Its hard as I am a single parent and all my attention was always focus on him. Its hard to sit with a pain and acceptance that he is a pilot of his life and only himself can make a change, That that is out of my control and I can only control my own choices and be there for him when he needs me, by listening without yelling or judgment and loving him beyond addiction. Like Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I am in this process at this moment and have a faith that he will find his way to true home.