Do you have concerns about sending your child off to college in the fall because of their drug or alcohol use?
Are you considering sending your at-risk teen off to college?
Or would you keep them at home until you are confident that they are able to make healthy choices?
Last November, I happened to drive by my local high school and noticed that it was college night.
As many of you know, this is the night when college representatives come to the high schools to share what their college has to offer.
As a parent, this is an exciting time. You’ve put in 17-18 years of parenting. You’ve watched your child grow and flourish. Now it is time for that last stage of development before they become an adult and start their own life.
Teens look forward to this next chapter in their lives. They are full of excitement as well as anticipation and stress. They fill out college applications and wait to hear if they have been accepted to the college of their choice.
But before you send your child away to college, there is something that you may want to add to your college preparedness checklist.
“How well is your child doing with regards to their drug and/or alcohol use now in high school?”
Here are eight questions that you might ask yourself.
- Has my child used alcohol? How much and how often?
- Has my child used marijuana? How much and how often?
- Has my child used other drugs, such as prescription drugs, nicotine, club drugs (Ecstasy, Methamphetamine, LSD), cocaine, inhalants, PCP, or even heroin?
- Have you received phone calls from your child’s high school? Has your child has been caught with alcohol or drugs?
- Has your child been in trouble with the police?
- How well is your child functioning on a day-to-day basis?
- Is your child reaching his potential in most areas?
- What is your gut telling you about your child’s readiness to be on their own and make healthy choices?
As a parent, we cannot solve all our child’s problems for them. Going away to college can be a wonderful experience. It is an amazing time for young people to grow and thrive.
Our kids will make mistakes and we will not be there to help them out. Most of the time that is a good thing. Making mistakes and learning from them can be a positive experience.
They will have a better chance of developing into strong people. They will learn to be on their own and make decisions for themselves.
Unless, of course, your child has a drug or alcohol problem brewing under the surface.
My daughter was accepted to a college in Colorado. We were all excited and happy that she was attending the college of her choice. We felt this would give her a chance to meet new people and have a full college experience.
Little did we know that her crystal meth use had started in high school. Now that she was in college, she had the freedom to allow her substance abuse to bloom and grow.
It becomes an out of control addiction. She was two states away. We were not there to notice the signs of her drug use.
Little did we know that sending her off to college was the catalyst to take her substance use to the next level.
Your child, like mine, maybe doing all they can to hold their habit together in high school. They are aware of the consequences if they don’t.
They are trying to get through each day, hiding their drug or alcohol use as best they can. Like most teens, they are looking forward to the day when they can be out from under your watch and have more freedom.
You may think your child is drinking 1-2 beers. You may believe they take a puff or two of marijuana. Double the intake and likely that is closer to the truth.
There will be new-found freedom when your child goes away to college. Your child’s bad habits can escalate into a full-blown addiction.
You and your child’s dream of a college and a bright future will be gone. You may find that you are using your hard-earned college tuition money to fund your child’s recovery.
Notice if your child’s drug or alcohol use is getting in the way of their goals and ambitions in high school. This might be a sign that you need to review sending your child away from home.
This may be the time to address their problem.
Being at college away from home, your child will not have anyone to report to each evening. They will make their own decisions about their drug and alcohol use. There will be no one to answer to.
As we know drinking and drugging go on in every college in America. Some colleges are affected more than others. If your child wants drugs or alcohol, he will be able to find them.
Here is what you can do as a parent as you are getting ready to send your child to college:
- Communicate with your spouse, or if divorced your child’s other parent. Present a united front.
- Communicate with your child on a regular basis about the dangers of drug or alcohol use.
- Be proactive and do whatever it takes to know as much about your child’s habits as possible.
- Listen to your gut. If you sense your child has a drug or alcohol problem, get outside help so that you can get to the root of the problem.
- Let go of the pressure to conform to what other families are doing. We all want to say our child is doing well and going off to college in the fall. If the time isn’t right for your child, come up with an alternative plan. You may want to postpone for a semester or a year. Address the problem until you feel confident that your child is ready to live on their own.
- Let go of your feelings of shame. Seek outside help now, rather than later. You will spare your child the hard path of having their substance use problem turn into an addiction.
Are you a parent with a college-bound student? What are your concerns? What suggestions do you have for parents getting ready to send their children to college? Please let us know in comments.
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If you are concerned about your teen or young adult’s substance use, the earlier you address the problem, the better. If you would like support so that you can make healthy decisions, apply for a Free Breakthrough Session. You will learn about evidence-based tools to help you motivate your child to change.
Wonderfully written Cathy!
Oh yes…my elder one is just about ready to go to college now and it breaks my heart to even acknowledge the fact that she won’t be with us after a few months. But such is life and kid’s never really stay with us forever.
However, I am so very glad that none of my teen daughters are into drugs, alcohol or any of these things. Perhaps our end the teachers are strict, nor do the schools or colleges allow such things. More so, in smaller cities, even if students come up with such stuff in their school or colleges, they are punished and so that fear stops many others also from taking such actions. But yes, in the bigger cities things are changing more like they are in the U.S., so that’s where parents have to be more careful.
I liked the advice you gave parents, and strongly believe that having an open conversation with your teens helps a great deal – in all aspects. Learning to listen to them and all their feelings or worries is important as well, so that they learn to share things with you rather than anyone else.
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Hi Harleena,
Congrats to your daughter! That is an exciting time for her and I know sometimes hard for the parents to let go. I felt that was as well.
That is great that your schools are strict about drugs or alcohol. I do often find that in countries outside the US, teens are much more sheltered and innocent, which is refreshing. Not sure how we allowed drug and alcohol use to get so rampant in the US, but as parents begin to realize the dangers, hopefully we can do a better job of helping our kids make healthy choices. Take care and thanks for stopping by!
Hi Cathy,
Great subject for us all to be thinking about. One good option that people may have, if appropriate, is giving the child an opportunity to take a very meaningful gap year. There are so many fantastic programs out there at varying costs that take place all over the world. They vary from backpacking, charity/mission work, work study, etc. Some of the opportunities are so cool – I wish I could do them myself! This can give the child a totally new fresh perspective, while at the same time getting them away from the substance, friends who also use the substance, etc. Many colleges will let an admitted student defer for a year in order to allow them a gap year experience without much penalty – it does really vary by college however.
There are several websites out there to start with if anyone is interested, and there is even a gap year fair circuit. http://www.usagapyearfairs.com. Believe it or not there are even consultants that specialize in working with families to set up an optimal gap year. Contact me if you are interested in a recommendation on that.
In Europe, it has been popular to do these gap years for a while now, and it is gaining popularity and acceptance here also. So especially if the student does something interesting and meaningful, it is definitely viewed as a positive by future employers, schools, etc.
– Thanks Cathy, for all you do on Treatment Talk!
– Leslie
Hi Leslie,
Thank you for sharing that great suggestion! A gap year would have so many benefits for teens. Doing a year of community service could give a teen a whole new perspective on life and really make the difference in their lives. That extra year of maturity would be so helpful and give them extra tools so they are truly ready to live on their own. If there is a substance abuse issue, this could be the time to address it and have your student be more healthy and prepared. Appreciate you sharing the link to the gap year fair circuit. That is an option that I would definitely consider before sending any of my kids off to college. Take care and thank you for stopping by.
Cathy, I’m always impressed by the sound advice you have for parents. There’s absolutely nothing like listening to the voice of experience and it certainly sounds as though you’ve ‘been there, done that’. I want your wise words spread far and wide my friend.
Love Elle
xoxo
Thanks Elle. It is a very personal decision as all of our kids are different and at various stages of readiness. My point is to not be in denial that there is a drug or alcohol problem and hope that it will go away. At college, with more freedom, it could just get worse. Parent need to make the best decision for their children with their eyes open. As always, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!! Hugs to you!
Great advice Cathy and thank you for sharing. Mine are through those college years, thank heaven. 2 of the went to college here in the city, but were living on there own. I worried more when they took there spring breaks. Was just happy the two older ones always went together. That way it seemed they looked out for each other.
The younger one went away to college, but she was never a very social child, so college was real good for her and i never worried about any drinking etc with her.
This post is very important to parents, we can always think we have that perfect child and than find out later that they are not that perfect. Thanks again Cathy
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
That is wonderful that your kids made it through college and are doing well. None of our kids are perfect, nor are we, but we do want to make sure their kids do not get themselves in a situation that could threaten their life, and an out of control habit can be unpredictable and dangerous. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!!
My daughter was not ready to live in an apartment with classmates and I went against my better judgment for practical/logistics reasons. No drugs, but a grandchild! And while I love him dearly and he has been a blessing, I still go back and think about that decision to send her off before she was ready.
Hi Galen,
Well that is a good example of another thing to be concerned about. For parents there is so much pressure to go to college right after high school. For many it works out just fine, but it is hard to make a different decision than the norm and not question yourself. As we all say, no regrets. You sound like you have a lovely grandson and I’m sure he brings much joy to your life. Thanks for sharing another perspective. Always good to hear from you.
Cathy,
A good friend of ours and my brother kept their children home saying, “They’re not ready for college.” My opinion was that the parents are holding them back from becoming independent. However reading your post has made me see things differently. My older two have had their share of “partying” and communication has definitely been key! It’s terrible what goes on at every American college whether a state school or even Harvard. We talk a lot, especially about safety issues.
Thank you for this post!!
Hi Betsy,
It is such a wonderful time for our kids to experience college, we hate to see anyone miss out, but it is an individual call. Some children, for various reasons are just not ready to go away. From my experience, I would say to really listen to your inner feelings. Listen to what your gut telling you. Of course it is never an easy decision, but I do love Leslie’s comment about taking a gap year. That could make all the difference. Take care and thanks as always for stopping by.
OMGish – this is such an important post, Cathy!! I will definitely be sharing! Take care, Lisa
Amazing advice Cathy. I teach a college course and this really gave me insight into some of the issues my students are dealing with.
Terrific piece, Cathy. I’m reminded once again that there are many reasons I do not have kids. Knowing how badly I abused alcohol in high school–which progressed to addiction rapidly in college–I think I would be in a state of heart palpitations all the time.
However, I am so grateful to parents like you and your readers who are proactive, do not stick your heads in the sand and have honest, open and meaningful conversations with your kids. While it may not happen in our lifetimes, we WILL de-normalize college drinking and drugging!
Hey Beth,
While you would have been a great mom, I can understand your concerns. Who would have thought that so many of us parents would be going down this road and feeling such concern for our kids long after we assumed they would be happy adults enjoying their life. College is a wonderful time in a person’s life, but it can also be that place where habits can grow larger and life can begin to unravel. My hope as well is that more will be educated about the dangers and make healthy choices.
We lived through a similar experience. We sent her away to a colorado school and she lasted 2 months. Was she ready? My gut said no and I was anticipating her failure. However she hit her bottom while out there. Got treatment and has 15 months sober. She speaks about her experience often to parents and teens.
Hey Paula, Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your daughter’s story. So wonderful that she has found recovery and is helping others. Unfortunately, college is where some kids cross that line over to addiction.