Why Kicking Your Kid Out is Not the First Thing You Should Do

.Are you thinking about kicking your kid out of the house?

Would some ideas around the topic help you make that decision for your family?

You may have heard from different sources that you need to kick your kid out or let them hit rock bottom. Some feel this is the only way to get their child to feel the consequences of their substance use. So, kicking your kid out is an option, but let’s examine the pros and cons.

As a parent, one thing is clear: you will need to be ready for the consequences of your child living independently. You have clarified that they will not get any help or encouragement from you.

Good advice to keep in mind is not to threaten to kick your child out every time there is behavior that you don’t want to see.  The threats will quickly lose their impact. You don’t want a revolving door of kicking your child out and letting them back in. That doesn’t help anyone.  Be clear on your boundaries and follow through.

These six ideas to consider to weigh the pros and cons so that you take the best path forward for your situation.

Legal issues of kicking your child out

I’ve had parents say that their teenager’s behavior causes them stress. They were thinking of kicking their kid out. But before you even consider that option,

But before you even consider that option, in most states, kicking out an underage child who is not emancipated (under 18 in most states) is a crime that can be considered child abandonment.

According to Brett Snider, Esq. on FindLaw.com:

Even if you aren’t leaving your child on a proverbial street corner, you will be legally abandoning her if you:

• Leave your child with a neighbor and don’t communicate with her;
• Fail to send some money to support her, or
• Refuse to participate in a plan by a school or program to reunite you and your child.

You are all your child has in life. A young teen alone on the streets or couch surfing with friends who may also be caught up in substance use is dangerous. Besides the trauma that it will cause him, it will not lead to productive change.

Long-term consequences

What is important to remember is that there are consequences when your child is alone and on the street with no way to help himself. Thus, it may be more difficult for them to have the means to help themselves. Everyone needs to feel secure.  Your child may make bad decisions, and your child’s addiction can worsen when they feel their family has abandoned them. As I mentioned, living on the streets, couch surfing, or crashing in a homeless shelter is risky for any young adult. It’s perilous for a teen. This is something to think about.

A parent should be the first person to help guide their struggling teen or young adult. It is dangerous to kick your kid out. Your relationship with your child may become forever strained because your child feels abandoned. They may never get over the hurt and pain caused by your decision.  When they need you the most, you have turned your back and left them to deal with the problem on their own.

Your relationship with your child may take a long time to repair.

More stress for your child often leads to more substance use.

Kicking a kid out could prove counterproductive because your child will now be dealing with a new level of stress. That stress could force them to use more drugs or alcohol than they’ve been using to cope. Your child needs you the most right now.  This is when a parent should help their child and do what they can to support them.

While the “tough love” method may work for some families, this is only a short-term solution. There are other cases of people going downhill when left on their own or never moving past rock bottom. Families may find that they have only made the problem worse. Kicking your child out might cause them to be depressed or even suicidal as they feel rejected by their family.

Some parents tell their sons or daughter they need to be sober first. When your child finds themselves homeless, it can be difficult for them to stay sober. The hurt and anger may jeopardize any hopes of changing their life.

A professional told one mom to let her child go and not help him when he relapsed. She finally followed her instincts and found him in a homeless shelter in terrible shape. She felt that he most likely would have overdosed if she had not intervened.

Your child needs to feel supported by their family even though things are challenging for everyone. Kicking your kid out of the house in hopes that he will be ready for change often only worsens the situation. There are other ways to deal with the problems your child is causing.

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Lack of communication

You may not hear from your child for a while. Your ability to talk to your child and encourage them to seek help will be gone. You cannot make choices for your child nor force them to change. But you can control your own actions. You can change how you deal with your child to help them be more interested in recovery.

Yet if your child is not communicating with you, your influence will stop. Their drug-using friends or others they meet on the streets will be where they look for companionship.

Communication is key when trying to help your child change. How you talk to your child can also be the difference in how they react. It could be helpful to look at how you interact with your child. See if you can turn things around by being more positive.

One mom was ready to kick out her 16-year-old, which immediately concerned me. As we talked about the positive things he was doing, she began to realize that even though his drug use was unsettling for the whole family, she could work with him by being more positive and noticing what he was doing well.

Your physical or emotional harm

Maybe you have gotten to a point where your child living at home isn’t working anymore. You’ve tried many things, including the CRAFT tools, yet your emotional and physical state is unhealthy because of all the stress.

Also, sometimes, physical abuse occurs. Your safety and the safety of your spouse and other children are at risk.

Substance use is traumatizing for young children. Things are being stolen,  your child is getting violent, or drug dealers are coming to your home. Asking your child to leave is an option that you may consider. Also, you may feel there is nothing more you can do and you need to take a break. Again, I would weigh the negative consequences listed above. Your own peace of mind is important too.

Do exhaust other options first before you take this step of kicking your kid out. Be sure that the environment at home does not contribute to the problem. While it is not your fault if your child gets out of control, there are ways that you can react and interact that will be less confrontational. It helps to stay calm first and see how to de-escalate the situation.

If your child is getting upset, shutting down, or angry during a conversation, that is the time to stop and wait for a better time to talk. Escalations often start when people try to talk through each other’s anger. It is better to wait until you and your child are calm.

Finally, if you feel that you need to consider kicking your kid out, I would urge you to do your best to find alternative housing for your child. They will be safer and will have a chance to work through their issues. Give them options, including a treatment program, a sober living home, a relative, or a family friend if you feel this would work.

Another option

Community Reinforcement and Family Training or CRAFT, offers parents tools to help keep their children at home rather than kicking them out. This is the number one evidence-based alternative approach for families who want to help family members struggling with addiction and family members.

The positive communication skills that many parents have learned through CRAFT will begin to change the environment in the home from being negative to more positive. You will find that you can talk to your child without your conversations escalating. And with time, you’ll have a better chance your child will be willing to try a treatment program.

If you are at the point where you are ready to try something new, rather than kicking your child out of the house, CRAFT can help you continue the conversation and support your child in a positive way. Please encourage your child to seek treatment or to get help in some other way from a professional. When you work on yourself and begin to train your brain to look for positive things your child is doing, everyone begins to feel better.

You may find your child may be more willing to seek recovery.

Access research-based resources to help you support your child in a kind, compassionate way, which can lead to change.