I’ve recently met Candace Plattor and am so pleased to share her interview with you today. Candace is a therapist from Vancouver, writes an amazing blog and is the author of Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction.
Please welcome Candace Plattor!
What are three gratifying aspects about being a registered clinical counselor and helping clients understand their addictive behaviours?
My biggest gratification comes from this: I see my job as helping people to understand themselves better, more deeply. We all have our ‘private logic’ and we often act from an unconscious place.
When we can better understand our own private logic and discover what motivates us to sabotage our lives through acts like addiction, we can then develop our all-important self-respect so we can truly take better care of ourselves and live our best lives.
I very much enjoy working with addiction – especially with the loved ones of addicts, because there are still so few resources out there for them, and they suffer and struggle right along with the addicts (of any kind) that they love.
There is still a huge stigma of shame about being the loved one of an addict, so I’m on a mission to help create a shame-free zone for them, and to assist them in learning healthier and more appropriate ways to be in relationship with the addicts in their lives.
Also, I find people fascinating – we are such complex beings, in all ways. I enjoy working with my clients holistically, exploring all aspects including physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
Tell me about a day in your life–before and after your recovery.
I’m now 27 years clean & sober, but I can remember my life as a practising addict as if it were yesterday. Because I was a high-functioning addict, I’d go to work or school, do what I had to do to get by, and then come home and use.
I was also pretty sick every day from my Crohn’s Disease, which I’ve had for 40 years, so I’d be using prescription painkillers throughout the day. At night, I’d sit in my apartment and smoke pot and watch TV, generally all alone – trying to convince myself that I was fine living that way.
Today I don’t have to try to convince myself I’m ok anymore. I’m so ok! I love the life I’ve created for myself. My typical workday consists of seeing 4-5 clients a day, keeping up with email and phone calls, visiting my “Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself” Facebook page to see who’s there, writing a blog piece when I have time and I find something fascinating to write about – and hopefully carving out a little me-time during the day.
I generally enjoy having evenings and days off to myself to do whatever I want – usually catching up with friends – having play-dates, seeing movies, doing some shopping, catching up on that great book I always have on the go…
Life is great!
What are three things you’ve told yourself that kept you going during your darkest hour?
- This too shall pass.
- Everything is purposeful – even if I can’t yet see the purpose. I’ll understand it in time.
- It’s ok to cry or to feel whatever I’m feeling – and to reach out for help when I need it.
If a family member walked up to asking for your advice about their loved one’s addiction and you only had a few minutes to give them your best tip, what would it be?
Enabling an addict is never a loving act and it keeps the addiction going. So – reach out for some help for YOURSELF first, so you can learn the difference between helping and enabling, and stop being addicted to the addict’s addiction.
What inspired you to write your book, Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction? What do you want readers to take away from your book?
I began to understand that I couldn’t see all of the loved ones of addicts who were calling and writing to me – or the ones all over the world that I didn’t even know. I was aware that I was getting extremely good results with the loved ones I was working with as clients, so I knew my message was accurate.
So many people are now affected by addiction – probably more than we could ever know. For every one addict, there are generally upwards of 10 or more people who are negatively affected by that addiction – and there is not nearly enough skilled help for those family members, friends, colleagues, etc.
I decided to write “Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself” in order to reach as many loved ones as I could and show them that there really is hope for them to change this situation – if they’re willing to do what it takes to make the necessary changes, starting with changing THEMSELVES.
Loved ones are not responsible for their addict’s addiction – they cannot make the addict’s choices for them – but they are responsible for the ways they themselves may have been contributing (such as enabling) and changing what they can around that.
My book presents a unique and fresh approach to learning how to thrive as a loved one, so that they can remain in the relationship with the addict if they choose to do that, without having to ride that roller coaster of chaos any longer.
Candace is generously giving away one of her books to someone who leaves a comment!
Share your thoughts and please share on Facebook, Twitter or Google+! Thank you!
Candace Plattor, M.A., R.C.C., is an Addictions Therapist in private practice in Vancouver, BC.
Having graduated from the Adler School of Professional Psychology with a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology in 2001, Candace helps clients and their loved ones understand their addictive behaviors and make healthier life choices for themselves.
Candace gives many popular and well-attended talks based on her award winning books Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction and Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Workbook. She has been featured on television and radio programs throughout Canada and the US and has become a favorite go-to expert for news related interviews in the Vancouver area.
Please visit her Loving An Addict Facebook page and her website at www.candaceplattor.com for more information.
How do I get your book?
Hi Barb,
The book is on Candace’s website, but since you are the first comment, you will be sent one! Congrats! I’ll email you for your information! Thanks for stopping by!
I really need to read your book! My family is in such turmoil because recently our Mom has decided to stop enabling her alcohol and sex addict of a husband. After reading this interview it reiterated what I already knew, I have no control over another person’s choices and I can love an addict just not their bad decisions
Thank you!
Oh darn! I wasn’t quick enough to get a change for a book! No worries. Candace’s facebook page is so helpful and she responds to those who reply. For me its like having a friend who understands close by. Can’t wait to read her book 🙂 Great interview!
Hi Paula,
Thank you for stopping by! That is wonderful that you have found Candace’s information so helpful. It is great when people who have gone through substance abuse reach out to others by being another voice online!
Great interview, Cathy! I’m really looking forward to reading Candace’s book. I especially love this: “Everything is purposeful – even if I can’t yet see the purpose. I’ll understand it in time.” Amen.
Hey Dean, Thank you for stopping by and I hope you enjoy Candace’s book!
After 17 months sober my husband is having slip ups every month for 6 months. I need all the help your book could provide. I am at the end of my rope!
Hi Teri,
It is a challenge when a loved one relapses. Definitely check out Candace’s blog as well, as she has great tips for family members. I’m sure you’ll find Candace’s book helpful.
Nice job, ladies. You know, what makes the message so strong is both of you have very personal experience with your subject matter. I mean, one can derive meaning and grab some assistance reading what an “expert” has to say. But when the writer is an “expert” because s/he has lived the nightmare – the take-away becomes “life-changingly” powerful. Thanks to both of you for being willing to share a personal part of yourselves with us. It really does hit home…
Bill
Thanks Bill for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Great interview! Really good questions; Candace, I feel like I know you a bit better. I like that you’re working so hard to make life easier for loved ones of folks with substance use disorder. That’s not often the case from someone on the “addicted” side of the aisle. Good for you.
Thanks for another terrific interview, Cathy!
It is great that Candace is another powerful voice sharing her story. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!
My daughter is a 23 yr. old struggling addict. She has been to treatment 3 times but continues to relapse. I know it’s not my fault, but she lives at my house, and uses, though not in front of me because she thinks I can’t tell. It’s that or homeless?
I sure that is stressful for you when you daughter continues to use. Sometimes the way you communicate with your daughter can make a difference. Positive reinforcement and acknowledging what she is doing well is helpful. When you do want to express your concerns, be sure to wait for the right time. Timing is everything. Wait for a time when she has not been using.
An alternative to living at home is a sober living home. If she has been to treatment 3 times, she most likely has a clear idea of what she needs to do to be in recovery, but more support could make the difference. Decide what your boundaries are and be sure to share them with her if you decide to change the house rules. Another option is a recovery coach for your daughter and perhaps a parent coach as well. The recovery coach could check in with her daily and support her during this unstable time.
Be sure to also check out the 20 Minute Guide for parents for information on how to take care of yourself, talk to your daughter and help her without enabling. Here is the link – http://the20minuteguide.com/parents/#.VddzzyxViko
All the best to you and don’t hesitate to reach out if you want more information or resources.
All the best to you and
Thanks for the helpful info. My son has started stealing from us and my husband wants him out of the house. I know I am enabling but it is hard for me not to be loving and kind and forgiving. I can’t let go of him.
Lisa, this is always such a dilemma for parents. I’m happy to talk if that is something that would be helpful. Just drop me a line if you would like to chat. https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/contact-us/
Hola, me gustaría adquirir el libro y si existe una versión en español, mejor. Como puedo comprar el libro?
After 3 years of life being turned upside down, my wife has been through rehab and is starting the road to recovery. I know I was an enabler, I am looking for any tips to keep from enabling again
I am at that junction in my relationship trying to decide should I leave or stay with my alcoholic. Thank you for the interview, it gave me more information to arm myself in my decision. Thank you!
I have struggled with my daughters addiction for 10 years! She is now facing legal issues that are beyond anyone’s control. My life has been hard. I only know that I can not control what is happening and I pray she will be sent to long term treatment. It is her only hope. As for me I am trying to put back the pieces of my own life. I need this book!
My husband works from home & starts with a screwdriver before 7 am every single day; after a couple of those, he moves on to beer, vodka on ice, or his new ploy, on iced tea, then requires a nap that gets longer & longer before he gets up around 5 to start his martinis. He’s totally “functioning” & believes we have a wonderful life & I have no reason for concern. He refuses to go to counseling as he ” has nothing wrong with him” it must me my “anger issue”. I’ve turned into a workaholic to escape the problem, & all thats acheived is losing his respect. I probably need to leave, but I’m 56 & I’ve worked very hard on our beautiful home & stand to lose it to him if we divorce. I’m self employed also & have been trying to save for a retirement nest egg because I’m worried that I cant keep working so hard due to an existing heart condition. I’m afraid that if I stay, by the time I can retire, his health will have deteriorated to the point it will eat it all up. (he does not save) I’ve tried couseling & been told I have to decide to put up with it or leave but I’m so emotionally exausted that I can’t seem to find the strength to do so & don’t even know how to start with out exploding the emotional abuse bomb (again). Can I be helped?
I am 13 years married to an alcoholic. It’s has literally made me physically ill to the point where I barely function anymore. We have 2 little ones who need me. I am just not sure how to keep going. Where is this book being sold. Thank you & God bless
Hi Misti,
You can find Candace’s book on Amazon. Also, I wanted to let you know about the Partner’s 20 Minute Guide. You can read it online here – http://bit.ly/2o8kvic. You can also purchase the Guide on Amazon at http://amzn.to/2ohu9fo. All the best to you!
This has been an emotional roller coaster…I’m heartbroken and lost. I would love to have our life back and have no idea where to begin 🙁
Interested in reading your book, this blog has been an eye opener.
Thank you
I enjoyed as well.. my bf is an addict and when I met him it was nothing like it is now this past weekend was the worst of it all packed his stuff just to Manipulate.. at first I didn’t get it but after a year and half I do..I need to find myself again .. he has such good qualities without the use of drugs.. but he always says that’s all he knows …I need input .. I did do boundary thing and that worked.
Hi Eileen,
That is a hard place to be when your partner is struggling with substance use. Great that you put boundaries in place. Another thing that is helpful is noticing when he is not using and acknowledge that. Paying attention to your boyfriend when he is sober helps to encourage that behavior. If you want more tips about how to interact with him, check out the Partner’s 20 Minute Guide You can read it online for free or buy the book on Amazon. Here is the link – https://the20minuteguide.com/