Meet Brenda Zane: Creator of the Stream

If you feel guilty about self-care, think of it as “I’m doing this for my daughter or my son.” ~ Brenda Zane

This week I’m excited to share my interview with Brenda Zane. Brenda is a mom who has been through addiction with one of her sons. She understands what parents go through when they are concerned about their child’s drug or alcohol use.

Click below to watch the interview:

Here are my takeaways from what Brenda shared.

Ideas from the CRAFT approach:

• The idea of detaching from her son felt so wrong. She wanted to keep that connection with her son on terms that she could live with and that he could live with. It took a while to get there.
• Brenda feels that her son was able to reach out to her when he was ready for help. Without some of the communication tools, he would not have done that.
• CRAFT gives you something that you can do rather than feeling that there is nothing you can do.
• It helps to have parents feel that there is something they can do to help their child

How can parents help themselves?

• If you are in the “deer in the headlights phase” where you are just discovering that your child is misusing substances, the first thing to do is to get plugged into a community. It can be a local support group or an online support group. The Partnership to End Addiction also has support group meetings.
• Get connected with someone else so that you don’t feel so alone and isolated.
• Start educating yourself. Realize that those substances are solving a problem for your son or daughter. Repeated use can mean that they are solving something with those substances.
• Understand and talk to your child about their use in a non-judgmental, non-accusatory way.
• Even though it’s easy to get angry, take things away and give lots of punishment, being really curious intead can help.
• Learn a communication style that will help ease some of the fear because it is scary when you discover your kid is misusing substances.

Self-Care

• Keeping you healthy is a big part of getting your child healthy. You’re the only person who can give them a strong, healthy mom. (or dad) You are the only person who can do that.
• Think of it as a tactic in their treatment plan.
• What your child needs is a strong person leading this charge.
• Your child needs to see you taking care of yourself because they already have a lot of shame for making you stressed out.
• Simple things like getting a flask of water and getting outside for a walk. Or call a friend. Self-care can mean so many things. It’s whatever that thing is that makes you feel grounded and have the presence of mind. Things like getting a little bit of movement and some real food in your body are good places to start.
• If you feel guilty about self-care, think of it as “I’m doing this for my daughter or my son.”

Brenda Zane is a family advocate, parent coach, podcast host, and founder of an online community. The Stream is for moms of kids with substance use disorder. After going it pretty much alone for 5 years with her oldest son through his addiction, she left corporate America to serve other families dealing with the fear, confusion, and helplessness parents usually feel when they have a kid who’s misusing drugs or alcohol.

Brenda focuses her efforts on getting and keeping parents healthy – mentally, physically, and spiritually – because healthier moms and dads are better able to help their kids. She also speaks out publicly and honestly to try and reduce the stigma associated with addiction – because parents who feel ashamed and stigmatized tend to delay, or not look for, help, which means kids suffer longer. She has four sons ranging from 14 to 23 and lives in Seattle, Washington. Learn more about Brenda and the Stream at www.brendazane.com.