Are you a parent who is hoping your child will be interested in recovery?
I am the parent of a daughter who has overcome obstacles.
She has been in long-term recovery now for fifteen years. It often seems like a lifetime ago that we were all struggling. It also feels like it was just yesterday.
Some have said how lucky I am that she is and has remained in recovery today.
I do feel lucky. I also feel gratitude. I’m sure that during her addiction, there were many close calls.
What brought my daughter to recovery, though, is not just luck. Definitely, someone was looking out for us. As a family, though, I feel we made some choices that made a difference.
Every family is different, so as they say, find what works for you and leave the rest.
We tried our best and made some mistakes along the way, but remained open to learning as much as we could so that we could make good decisions.
Here is what we did on our journey to recovery.
- As any new mom who discovers that her child struggles with a drug issue, I scrambled to find any resources. Suffering through the shame of the situation, I contacted any friends that I thought might help. I felt there was a small window of time to find and get my daughter into treatment.
- Although her dad and I are divorced, when I called him from Colorado, where she was attending college, he immediately sensed the urgency of the situation. We put aside our differences and came together for our daughter’s sake.
- The evening after I realized that she was using crystal meth, she stayed with me in my hotel in Colorado. She wanted to go out with her boyfriend and say the last goodbye. Now she could have walked out that door and not returned. She chose not to. She came back and was ready to face her situation and seek help.
- Through personal references, we interviewed two specialists, and together with our daughter, we chose a wilderness program run by the Aspen Education Group. Getting the help of a specialist who regularly visits the programs he recommends made all the difference in my feeling comfortable about sending her away.
- Although I’ll admit we had some rocky times agreeing on the treatment plan, we did agree. We worked out together what we thought was best.
- Our daughter, at age 19, had the choice of whether she wanted to go to treatment or not. She chose to attend. I feel that one of the reasons was that her parents were both on the same page, and we were giving her the same message.
- Neither one of us yelled at our daughter. We did not put her down. We did not call her names or make her feel worse about her situation. We did not throw out ultimatums or threaten her if she did not recover on our timetable.
- Even though the price tag took our breath away, we realized that she needed help.
- As parents, we both realized that treatment was needed, and we moved forward. Her out-of-state college days were over, and if she continued college, it would be on much less of a budget.
- Even though she had lied to us during the last few years, wasted our money, and had made poor choices, once she was in recovery and trying to change her life, our trust in her returned. We no longer doubted her, and we positively supported her. We did not continually remind her of the past.
- As long as she continued on her program, we supported her recovery 100%.
- Once she was at the treatment program, we let the counselors take over and did not control the process. I knew very little about the disease of addiction, so I chose to leave it to the experts.
- As the counselors suggested, I attended Al-Anon as did her father. I also found a therapist trained in addiction to help me on a more personal level. I’ve also hired a coach at different times and began writing about my experiences.
- We didn’t mention that the counselors recommended that she attend an aftercare treatment facility, but left it to the counselors to discuss the value of continuing her treatment after she had some time in the wilderness program. We let her know how much we supported this idea.
- We listened to the experts and realized even then, that 30 days was not going to be enough time.
- Even though it was a stretch, we supported extended treatment. My daughter has since said that if she had come home after the five weeks at the wilderness program, she would most likely have started using drugs again.
- Her father and I researched many programs and found the same women’s treatment program in southern California called Safe Harbor by a fortunate stroke of serendipity.
- We agreed again to send her to three months of treatment to a program that had been recommended by many sources. Our counselor agreed that it would be a good fit for her.
- As much as it bothered us, we kept quiet about her smoking habit, as we felt she had enough on her plate at the moment. We hoped she would quit smoking in the future. She finally did.
- We were supportive of the next step which was a sober living home. She thrived there, continuing to work and to attend the local junior college.
- We welcomed her new friends from the treatment program and realized that they will always have that unspoken bond of a journey shared. These are young women, just like my daughter, who are amazing and talented at the core but had made some poor choices at one point in their lives. They were all now ready to thrive and flourish in their lives, and they have.
- One last thought. My daughter was continually reminded throughout this entire process of how much we loved her, how proud we were of her accomplishments, and how much we believed in her. She knew we had her back and that we would cherish her as our daughter through thick and thin.
If your child struggles with drugs or alcohol, think through how you can put aside your disappointment, anger, and shame. Reach out and learn as much as you can about substance use/addiction so that you can help your child in the best possible way.
Drug and alcohol use affects us all.
My daughter just announced yesterday that she has a new promotion at work. She continues to thrive. Your child can get too.
Drug or alcohol abuse affects everyone in the family. Take care of yourself so that you are less anxious and can make better decisions.
Know that there is always hope for your child and that you are not alone.
What did you do to help your child reach recovery? Share your thoughts in the comments.
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Hi Cathy,
Thanks so much for peeling back the covers to your family’s personal crisis. Through your experience, other families can find the courage and tools to face their crisis.
Happy belated birthday to your daughter – and my prayers for many more.
Alex
Hi Alex,
Sharing my story has been therapeutic for me. My hope is that something will resonate with another parent as they progress down this road. Parents do need to hold hands and circle the wagons with this disease. Thank you for your continued support.
Thank you for sharing the details of your journey – the journey from your side of the treatment room door. We addicts and alcoholics hear from one another how it was for us. It is a brutal and yet important reminder that each one of us leaves a wake of 4 to 8 people who have suffered as well. Their journey to support us in wellness is critical to our understanding of the “wreckage”. Thank you for your openness and bravery.
Hi Kyczy,
I can’t agree with you more that addiction affects the entire family, whether you are the addicted person or not. Learning more about addiction helped me the most and being able to write down my thoughts and emotions continues to be very healing. Thanks for stopping by!
If your ears were burning yesterday Cathy, it’s because I was singing your praises to my in flight companion. As always your writing inspires, educates and uplifts me. We are so blessed to have you radiate your ideas and experiences into our world.
You truly are making a difference and I feel such gratitude for the good you do.
And thanks for linking to my site…I’m honoured.
xoxo
Elle
Hi Elle,
You are so sweet thank you! You are making a difference as well and inspire me with your beautiful writing. So great that we have connected. Thanks for your continued support!
Just wanted to add, happy belated b’day wishes to your daughter. 🙂
Thanks Elle!
Cathy,
So taken by the love that you and your daughter’s Dad gave (and give!) that accompanied every step of your daughter’s, “staying accountable and committed way.”
I know it doesn’t always unfold that way, even in the presence of love, but never seems to unfold that way–without love.
Sharing the power of your journey with courage and transparency–a wonderful gift.
Thank you.
Hi Herby,
There are, as you say, no guarantees when it comes to recovery. Parents can do what they feel is the very best thing and the recovery still doesn’t happen. The bottom line for my daughter’s recovery as with all recoveries, is that she made the decision to change her life. The more parents can learn about the support options, the better, so that they can support their child in the best possible way when their child is ready to change. Thank you.
Cathy,
This is beautiful and strong just like you and your daughter. Are you writing a book about this? If not you need to do just that!!!
Hi Tess,
Thanks so much. Watch out now, the last time you mentioned a book, off I went and put one together. I have thought about another book. We’ll see what the future brings. Take care and appreciate your continued support.
Hi Cathy!
What a poignant view into a family’s recovery journey. It’s so refreshing to read the healthy stories to help balance the train-wreck stories. The latter are no less important, and of course circumstances are probably different, but it’s like a deeply released sigh to read yours. Your daughter sounds amazing, but then, knowing you, I’m not at all surprised. Well done!
Thank you, Beth. As we both know, every story is different and I do feel grateful that mine had a happy ending. The train-wreck stories are hard and I’m sure that is why so many of us are here trying to help as best we can. Take care.
“My daughter was continually reminded throughout this entire process of how much we loved her, how proud we were of her accomplishments and how much we believed in her. She knew we had her back and that we would cherish her as our daughter through thick and thin.” What more can I say, but thank you for this special piece…
Bill
Thank you Bill. Appreciate you stopping by!
Hi Cathy! What a touching story of recovery and addiction. And what a journey. As a parent of 3 girls (all of which are small currently), I cannot imagine the pain and fear of discovering this with my own children, and yet there is so much we can’t control as parents. I pray I would be able to handle things the way you did. I admire your courage and hers as she took the hard steps of staying in rehab when it would have been easy to get out early.
A very Happy Late Birthday to her. One thing’s for sure, she can never forget her own birthday now. 🙂
Hi Bryan,
It has been a journey. The biggest lesson for me was that if I had to do it all over, I would have learned so much more about prevention and how I could have been more aware as a parent. Our kids are under great pressure during the middle and high school years and can easily be tempted to experiment. Most kids do not become addicted, so that is the good news, but the more informed you are, the better. Take care.
Cathy, thanks for your total bravery that it takes to share your story so openly in order to help others. Your daughter was so fortunate to have your unconditional love and dedication.
Like you, we also found the very best help we could and then once under that care, we backed away and let the program work without trying to interere too much, knowing that we needed to trust the process even though we didn’t totally understand it all at the time. That was pretty hard to do at times, but I look back now and know that was the right move.
Thanks again Cathy!
Hey Leslie,
It is hard to know what to do in these situations and I think we all just do the best we can. Your daughter is extremely lucky as well to have such caring parents. I’m glad both of our girls are enjoying their lives in a more healthy way these day. Take care.
What a journey, and thank you so much, Cathy, for sharing it – step-by-step. It’s overwhelming when you finally get to the point of accepting a loved one has the disease. To have next steps laid out like this is sure to help. I’m thrilled for you and your daughter!
Thanks Lisa. She has changed her life for the positive and we have all learned so much from our journey. Appreciate you stopping by.
Thank you, Cathy, for sharing such a personal journey about your daughter…and your incredible words of wisdom.
Over 18 years ago, when my daughter was 15 and she was in her addiction, her father (from whom I was divorced), my husband and I considered 3 options: send her to treatment, send her to a private high school, or send her to live with her dad (who lived in another part of the state). We did not make the tough choice – we sent her to her dad’s where she continued down the path of addiction.
By the time she left for college, she was in the depths of her addiction. After hundreds of ‘tough talks’, several counselors, and other minor interventions, my husband and I did not know what else to do. Our daughter was still getting straight A’s and functioning unbelievable well!
When I walked away from her dorm room after dropping her off at college, I remember the tears streaming down my face as I looked up to the bright sun in the sky. I said a prayer, letting go of what I could not control and asked God to take care of her. Six weeks later, I got a phone call. Our daughter finally hit rock bottom, almost died – twice – and had entered rehab willingly. She was ready to embrace wellness…
From that point forward, she never looked back and neither did we. She has a PhD, is the head of a small non-profit company, and is happily married with a little puppy!
Hi Holli,
Thank you so much for sharing our story. I had no idea that you has gone through this with your daughter. It is such a challenge for any parent. We are not trained in how to deal with an addicted child as parents. I am so glad to hear that your daughter entered rehab willingly and that she has gone on to live the life she was meant to live. That is wonderful. It brings hope to other families when we share our stories, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Cathy, your work is a blessing. As a parent who lived through the addiction nightmare of a child, I would have been so grateful and better equiped to have your words and wisdom to guide me through it. Thank you for all you do…
Hi Holli,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m sorry that you had to go through this experience as well, but I’m glad that your child found recovery and has gone on the live her life. Take care.