I’m honored to introduce Libby Cataldi, author of Stay Close: a mother’s story of her son’s addiction.
You can read more about Libby at her website, Stay Close. Watch Libby’s video, which tells her story at The Partnership at Drugfree.org. You are Not Alone.
1. Please introduce yourself to the readers.
My son is a recovering heroin addict, and today I live in the space of gratitude. My two sons Jeff and Jeremy Bratton, helped with the writing of Stay Close: a mother’s story of her son’s addiction.
I was the Head of The Calverton School for seventeen years, an independent day school in Maryland. I earned a doctorate in education from the University of Pittsburgh and have been an educator all my life.
Stay Close was published in May 2009 by St Martin’s Press (NY) and in October 2010 by Rizzoli (Milan, Italy). I live most of the year in Florence, Italy, where I am a proud member of the Florence Dragon Ladies, a rowing team of breast cancer survivors. I also serve on the International School of Florence Board and am a member of the American International League of Women.
Jeff and I have spoken about our story and his recovery on many American and Italian national television and radio programs. We speak at recovery centers and schools.
2. Tell us about your book, “Stay Close,” and why you wrote it.
The book chronicles the fourteen-year trauma of Jeff’s addiction and ends in hope. We published it with the prayer that our story will help even one family. If it does, sharing our pain was worth the effort and the risk. Our family made many mistakes, but in the telling of our stories, we all learn. There is a saying in AA, “In order to keep it, you have to give it away.” Our book is an effort to share our hope, experience, and strength.
According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, 10% of the population is addicted, one in four children under the age of eighteen live with an addicted parent, and for every one addict, four others are directly affected. Clearly, there are many people out there dealing with addiction and in desperate need of support and help. But families can learn from each other. That’s why groups like AA and Al-Anon work so well.
Addiction is based on silence — don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust, don’t share, don’t question, don’t let anybody know. Addiction can only exist in the lie — if the addict keeps the lie, he keeps the addiction. Addiction does its best work in the shadows.
This book is an effort to bring addiction out of the shadows so that dialogue and education might happen.
3. At this stage, what are the top three things you’ve learned about addiction and/or codependency that have helped you in your own recovery?
- Addiction doesn’t discriminate. No one is immune, and I am not alone in my suffering. I never thought it could happen to us, but it did.
- I can’t control my son’s addiction. In Al-Anon, we learn that we can’t control it, we didn’t cause it, but we can contribute to it. I learned to stay close to my child and not to give him money or to fix the problems that he caused by using drugs. He had to fight his addiction just as I had to fight my cancer.
- Al-Anon was my saving grace. Parents need support. We need to educate ourselves and learn from each other.
4. What advice do you have for parents of drug addicts/alcoholics who are just coming to terms with the diagnosis or suspicion of their son or daughter’s substance abuse?
Educate yourself. I lived in denial for many years and thought that Jeff’s drug use would pass. When I finally came out of the illusion, it proved difficult to make any big difference in the course of Jeff’s addiction. Attend Al-Anon meetings, talk with experts and read blogs like this one. Inform yourself.
Please talk with your child and communicate honestly about drug use, friends and where he or she spends his free time. When Jeff was young, he often said, “You need to trust me. I’m a good kid.” As a parent, I should have asked more questions and been more involved and proactive. Addiction requires strong parenting. AA says that recovery can only be found in rigorous honesty.
Take care of yourself and your other children. Jeremy, my younger son, was caught in the gap between keeping quiet about Jeff’s addiction or feeling that he was betraying Jeff by telling the truth. A sad place for both of my sons.
Stay Close: I learned these words from a recovering alcoholic in Italy. He meant, “Don’t abandon your son. Let him know that you love him and that home is waiting for him when he is sober. But don’t give him money.”
5. What do you enjoy doing in your free time?
I cherish every moment with my sons and family. We are learning every day to live in honesty and to learn from the past.
Living in Italy brings me great joy. Music, art, and the Italian language surround me at every turn.
Writing feeds my soul and is where my creative spirit feels at home.
How has addiction affected you? Join the discussion, and please leave a comment. If you liked this post, please share. Thank you!
I have cousins that dealt with heroin addiction. It’s not an easy thing to overcome.
Libby has an incredible story. Thanks for giving her a platform to share it with us.
Bryce
Hi Bryce,
Libby has written an incredible book which tells her family’s story. The pain a mother suffers watching her child with the disease of addiction is devastating. The person you knew and raised is gone. Thankfully her Jeff did recover and is a shining example that there is always hope and recovery is possible. Thanks for your comment.
Communicating and staying close are indeed very powerful.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
Staying close to your addicted child is important advice from Libby who speaks from experience. I appreciate that Libby is willing to share her story. Thanks for your comment.
Inspiring story, Cathy! I love the advice about not abandoning. Personally, I found loving detachment to be the most difficult part to get right, but when I did, things changed.
Excellent work you are doing, Cathy. This topic is very close to my heart.
Hi Marianne,
Detaching with love is a complicated subject and setting boundaries is what every family needs to decide for themselves. Giving money to an addict most agree is not helpful, but the whole situation tears at the heart of parents trying to navigate the emotional exhausting experience of having an addicted child. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Cathy,
Thanks for sharing this interview. What an incredible journey. I love, love Libby’s stance that we must give it away if we intend to keep it. A great tip to take away to apply to any area in our life. If we want to keep new knowledge , we must be willing to give it away. Just because we may not share the same struggle as Libby, it has everything to do with everyone of us. It is noble aim, indeed to share those wonderful ideas that we want as part of our character. There is no better way to learn something new than to go out and teach it to the world. The student and the teacher are neve separate.
Hi Rob,
I so agree that to keep new knowledge, we must be willing to give it away. Her struggles and how she handled her son’s disease can be applied to many different situations. Her story has helped many others, and gives us all hope. Thanks for your comment.
Cathy,
I love what you’ve done with your blog. This story is amazing and I love how Libby rows with other survivors. No doubt she has helped many people with her book as you are with your blog. Way to go!
Hi Tess,
Libby is a survivor and someone who shows her strength when faced with adversity. Thanks for your wonderful comment.
One of the most compelling messages that Stay Close conveys is that home is waiting when our young addicts want to sober. My son was always a homebody until he became an addict. During his addiction, he was often homeless. Now that he’s in recovery, home – our home, his home – is his oasis. There is something therapeutic, healing and cathartic about coming home in early recovery. If we had not stayed close throughout these difficult years, my son may never have found his way home. As a mom, I had to stay close and I am forever grateful that I did. Thank you for sharing Libby’s story and its valuable messages.
I am struggling watching my oldest son struggle with his addiction and possible mental illnes. And how his younger brother is being affected…our family is very broken because of a addictions. But i love these websites becausd there is always hope. And reading a b out others success helps me want to stay in the solution.