This is a guest post by Randy Bock, MD.
When Your Child Is Using
The call comes at 2 a.m. It’s the hospital. It’s the police. It’s a friend driving her home. Any version of this phone call changes everything.
Fear, anger, guilt, and self-doubt hit all at once. “What did I do wrong?” “I thought this wasn’t the kind of family this happened to.” Those thoughts will loop. They’re normal. They won’t help.
Before you do anything, one thing is worth keeping in mind: your kid is still your kid, not just “the one who’s struggling.” Losing that lens makes it harder to actually be useful to them.
What follows is what I wish I’d known earlier.
Addiction rarely shows up overnight
Nobody becomes addicted in a week. It usually gathers slowly at the intersection of a few things: self-medicating depression or anxiety, coping with trauma, prescription painkiller dependence after a chronic injury, and peer pressure layered on top of a family history nobody talks about.
None of that means your kid was “doomed.” But it does mean that “just stop” is almost never enough.
Instead of “What’s wrong with my kid?” try:
“What happened in her life that brought her here?”
The first question is a verdict. The second is an attempt to understand.
What to actually watch for
Not every user has the same signs, but some shifts are common.
A kid who used to be open suddenly goes quiet and irritable, or flips the other way — wired, talky, spending fast. Sleeping at weird hours, or sleeping all day. School or work slipping. New friends you almost never get to meet. Money that doesn’t add up, or small things around the house disappearing.
Any one of these on its own might be nothing. Several together are worth paying attention to.
Talk instead of fighting
You’ll want to confront. You’ll want to blow up. Both are natural. What usually happens is you say your piece, your kid shuts down, and you don’t talk for weeks.
Find a quiet moment when neither of you is on edge. Try something like:
“I’ve noticed things have been off lately, and I’m worried about you.”
Then listen.
The loneliest part of being in trouble, whether you’re 15 or 35, is feeling like nobody’s safe to talk to. You don’t need answers. You just need to be willing to ask.
Don’t rush to find the program that will “fix” your kid
When you’re desperate, you’ll want to believe any treatment that promises fast results.
Pause. Ask a few questions first. What kind of treatment is being recommended and on what evidence? How long does it last? How will you know if it’s working? What happens if there’s a relapse? If there’s also depression, anxiety, ADHD, or trauma, will that be treated at the same time?
If the answers are vague or defensive, keep looking. Programs that can handle being questioned tend to be more trustworthy.
A relapse isn’t a failure
This is the hardest one to absorb, and maybe the most important.
Even after excellent treatment, relapse is common. It doesn’t mean the treatment was useless, and it doesn’t mean your kid is a lost cause.
Think of it like a chronic illness. A diabetic’s blood sugar wobbles. Same mechanism. The plan gets adjusted. Treatment continues.
Boundaries aren’t rejection
Helping doesn’t mean unconditional rescue.
Handing over money can feed the problem. Shielding your kid from every consequence makes it harder for them to learn to handle anything themselves.
A boundary is “I love you, and I’m not going to be part of something that’s destroying me.”
It looks like this:
– Not giving cash that could go to drugs or alcohol, but helping them find treatment resources
– Keeping younger siblings away from the chaos
– Holding basic household rules so the whole family’s life doesn’t revolve around one person
– Taking care of your own sleep, relationships, and work at the same time
You can’t pour from an empty cup
This is the part nobody warns you about.
When all your energy goes to your kid, you lose friends. Your relationship with your partner frays. Work suffers. You start sleeping badly or feeling anxious in your own house.
Find someone to talk to about what you’re going through — a relative, a friend, a therapist, or a family support group like Al-Anon. These exist so you can stay in the fight longer, not because you’re pathetic.
If you collapse, nobody’s going to pull your family through this.
There is hope
I’ve watched families get through this. Not all of them. Enough of them.
Not every kid lands in the same place. Some stay sober for life. Some cycle through relapses and eventually reach a workable version of themselves. Some end up in places you wouldn’t have predicted at the start.
Your job isn’t to control the outcome. Your job is to stay as steady, informed, and present as you can, so that when your kid is ready, there’s someone they can come back to.
One last thing.
If you’re dealing with this today — I’m sorry. It’s not easy. But you’re not the first family to face it, and you won’t be the last.
All you can do is one thing at a time. Learn a little. Listen a little. Make fewer decisions for them. Find somewhere to catch your own breath.
Not every step will look like progress. But you don’t need to see the whole road before taking the next step.
About the Author
Dr. Randy Bock is a physician, author, and public health commentator who has spent decades examining addiction treatment, public health policy, and patient-centered care. Through his writing and interviews, he encourages thoughtful conversations about substance use, recovery, and the importance of treating individuals with compassion, honesty, and evidence-informed care. His work explores the complex factors that influence addiction while empowering families to become informed advocates for their loved ones.
Learn more at https://randybock.com, where Dr. Bock publishes articles, interviews, and educational resources on addiction, public health, and recovery.
Thank you for reading. I share tips and ideas to help parents motivate their son or daughter to change if they are struggling with substance use. Join us by entering your email now.
