It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable with your child’s newfound sobriety?
It can feel like parents and other family members are walking on eggshells.
After dealing with their child’s substance abuse, parents feel relief when their child has chosen sobriety, although it can make family members, including parents, uncomfortable.
We want to get back into our comfort zone as quickly as possible. We want our children to fit in with their peers and for things that can get back to normal.
I can relate to those feelings. It was awkward for me, especially that first year when my daughter came home for the holidays. Do we serve wine at dinner? Do we not? What is the best way to proceed in this unknown territory?
I remember even stumbling over my words, asking my daughter what she would like to drink. We had loaded up on sparkling cider and various other soft drinks, so there was plenty to choose from, but I was uncomfortable. We all were.
It is tempting to want your child to be able to drink socially.
Occasionally, a parent may be so uncomfortable with their child’s sobriety that they offer their child a drink to get things back to normal. This kind of encouragement by a parent is a mixed message for a young person and could quickly drive them back into substance abuse.
Sometimes parents want their children to:
- Fit in and be able to drink normally
- Be able to be one of the guys and occasionally have a beer.
- Be able to drink responsibly
- Celebrate their child’s 21st birthday with that one alcoholic drink
- Be able to drink socially with the family
Understanding the addiction disease and how it affects your child’s brain is essential.
Sometimes it takes a while to understand the limits of addiction completely. No one wants to watch a young adult be burdened with not being able to take one drink for the rest of their lives. It is understandable why parents may not be clear on how to support their child’s early sobriety.
The dream is that we can send our kids off to treatment, and after 30 to 90 days, they will be fixed, and life can get back to normal. But unfortunately, that is only a dream.
Recovery needs tending to like any other chronic disease.
Watching how people genuinely thrive when they cross that line into recovery is impressive. So many go on to live incredible lives.
When people are in the early stages of recovery, they are tentative and anxious and are still working through what led them to substance abuse in the first place. What is helpful is to have solid support from family and friends.
One way to provide support is with Soberlink’s alcohol monitoring system. The system allows your child to take a breathalyzer test and sends real-time results to you, the parent, and other friends and family who are a part of their support circle. This is great for fostering accountability and rebuilding trust.”
Supporting your child’s recovery in every way makes the most sense. Our children will hopefully find their own healthy long-term recovery path that works for them. In the meantime, they need our support as they struggle to get on solid footing.
Early recovery can often get worse before things get better. Fragile confidence may quickly turn into confusion. A strong, loving parent who encourages their child to continue on their healthy path can make a big difference.
Indeed, we are part of the picture, but our child’s recovery, in the long run, is not about us. Our children need to find their way to a better life.
That is why taking care of yourself and helping yourself during this stressful time is so important.
Our work as parents is to learn how to get comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
It is to learn how to break through, from walking on eggshells to feeling relaxed and finding inner peace.
Supporting your child’s sobriety
Here are some tips on how to be supportive of your child’s sobriety:
- Awareness and understanding are the first steps to change. Get the facts about addiction. Learn all you can about the disease of addiction and how it affects the brain, your child’s life, family members, and friends. The more you know, the more empowered and confident you will be.
- Take the time to choose a treatment program that best fits your child’s needs. Research treatment centers by asking friends or family who may have attended a treatment program to seek the advice of an addictions counselor or educational consultant. Do your homework before sending your child to a program. Make sure it is the right fit for their situation.
- Support the program and follow the advice of the counselors. Once you have committed to a program, let the counselors do the work. That is what you are paying them for. They have experienced substance abuse with many other clients and have the ability to guide their children to make better decisions and healthier choices. We let the counselors take the lead, which seemed to work well for our family.
- Reach out and get support for yourself through support groups, therapy, coaching, or the treatment center’s parent program. It cannot be restated enough about the importance of taking care of yourself during this anxious time. When you look for joy each day, take care of your health, exercise, and practice mindfulness, you will be a more effective support for your child. As they say in the airlines, “Put your oxygen mask on first.”
- Model self-care and make healthy choices. When your child is in treatment, whether outpatient, inpatient, or attending AA meetings or other support groups, this is a great time to reevaluate your personal habits. No matter how old, our kids learn not as much from what we say as we do. Because addiction is a family disease, this is the perfect time to reevaluate, regroup, and look at what is truly happening within the family.
- Communicate positively with your child. Positive communication is one of the keys to your child seeking help, entering treatment, and staying in long-term recovery. When you can keep that close, personal bond with your child, you will have a greater chance of keeping everyone moving forward positively. Things like bringing up the past, intense emotions, or being negative, don’t help. Being calm, loving, and acknowledging your child’s efforts will give them a better chance of continuing their sobriety and remaining in long-term recovery.
Know that this is new territory, and you will be uncomfortable. – with time, it will all get easier. Life will be different from here on out. Yet it can often be better.
Support your child’s newfound sobriety. There will be challenges, but you can move forward and embrace a new life together.
How have you supported your child’s sobriety? Please let us know in the comments.
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Cathy –
A thought provoking post – isn’t it interesting how we – as parents – how we go to the ‘default mode’ of wanting our children to fit in.
Your sentence – ‘getting comfortable with the uncomfortable’ is one that all of us can profit from as parents – and other areas of our lives –
Hi Fran,
We do want our kids do be part of the group and not be different. Being sober is a challenge for anyone, especially a young person. It is, though a conversation that crosses the board to other areas. Take care!
A great reminder Cathy to be supportive and not demanding that our children fit into any pigeon hole. I gave up drinking some years ago because I found I didn’t feel good. This was a choice I made and I don’t have any qualms about saying no thanks when people offer me, what used to be my favourite tipple, a nice glass of wine.
But, for those who have to stop drinking because they have a disease, this is another matter all together and the more healthy support we can give to make this choice easier, the better. I’m filled with admiration for all.
Hi Elle,
It does take discipline to give up drinking, so I commend you for making that choice because you don’t feel good with alcohol. Certainly alcohol isn’t good for everyone for a variety of reasons. I know a number of people that don’t choose to drink because of other health issues. People in recovery do need our support to continue on their path. Thanks for stopping by!
Some sound advice here Cathy for any parent. It is so hard to make ‘not-drinking’ normal when society promotes drinking as ‘normal’ and ‘everyday’.Thank you for being such a great role-model and helping others parents do the same!
Hi Carolyn,
Great to hear from you! Society does promote drinking in a big way and for young people especially this can be a challenge. Support from family and friends can really help at this time. It would be great if there wasn’t so much pressure to drink and even do drugs. Our kids would be so much healthier! Thanks for stopping by!
Cathy, I love that you are bringing this issues out into the open and talking about it. You are right, it is so uncomfortable and everyone dances around the topic. You offer some great concepts and suggestions here for that! Thanks.
Hi Leslie,
It is a topic that I know affects many. We want to be helpful, but sometimes the discomfort is just too much. That is why, as you well know, that education is so important and there is a clear understanding of what the disease of addiction is. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
Strong and instructive piece, Cathy. Always the case, by the way, when it comes to what you bring us. Never ceases to amaze me how parents can do all the wrong things when one of their children is struggling – addiction, mood/anxiety disorder, etc. And I can understand if, in fact, mom and/or dad simply don’t know what to do. It happens. But how many times do parents make horrible judgment calls, in spite of knowing the proper way to handle the circumstances? You say – “Our work as parents is to learn how to get comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.” I say it’s our responsible…” Wonderfully presented material – an easy to follow format and template. Thank you, Cathy…
Bill
My zeal and rapid typing/posting led to a few boo-boos. You’ll catch ’em (and overlook ’em?). TY…
Bill
No worries, Bill! You make a great point, that it is our responsibility as parents to learn get educated on addiction and support our children in any way that we can. Substance abuse is a challenge for any family. We really have no other choice than to rise to the occasion and do our part. Take care!
I found that when I quit drinking, my family struggled horrifically on the holidays. Every change I made in my life was viewed as a condemnation of them and their life style and it never got easier for them. Ultimately, I made a new family with my husband, our children and a wonderful collection of friends. The danger for families that do not support their recovering children is that the children may have no choice but leave in order to maintain their sobriety and sanity depending on the level of illness in the home of origin.
Hi Patricia,
Great point, Patricia. Addiction is a family disease and affects everyone. That is wonderful that you made a new life with your husband. I’m sorry that your family felt so uncomfortable with your sobriety. You deserve respect and encouragement for all of your hard work and determination. That is so true that if children are not getting the support that they need, they will need to look to other friendships for support. Families need to learn and grow as well. Take care.
Hi Cathy,
Wonderful post indeed, and it did make us think 🙂
Yes, at times we are perplexed about what we should allow for our kid’s and what is within the acceptable limit.
Speaking of which, I am glad we don’t have the drinking of alcohol as a trend as much as it’s at your end, or perhaps we ourselves don’t consume any of it, it makes a difference. We do support your child’s sobriety in various other ways though and need to give them space every now and then, though all within limits.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice weekend 🙂
Hi Harleena,
It is a challenge for all parents of teens, no matter what community we live in. We do have more of a problem with alcohol and drug use in the US because our society promotes it and some feel that numbing themselves is easier than facing their issues, among other reasons. I certainly can understand how it can make a difference when parents don’t drink and set an example of sobriety. That is great that you support your children, yet allow them to explore the world on their own. Take care! 🙂
“I remember even stumbling over my words just asking my daughter what she would like to drink.” I could so relate to this and everything else you shared, Cathy, as much of it mirrored my journey through various loved ones’ alcohol abuse / alcoholism, treatment and recovery. Your suggestions for how to “become comfortable with the uncomfortable,” are excellent. Thanks so much for all you do!
Thanks so much, Lisa. We all have to find our own way through this journey, but I don’t think any one can debate that parents have a role and that is to be supportive in the best way that they can. Everyone’s situation is different, but there is no doubt that our kids do better when they know we walking along the path right beside them. Take care!
Cathy, I like how you suggest taking the comprehensive approach in dealing with a child’s substance abuse problems. And that recovery needs tending like anything else – it’s not just a 30, 60 or 90 day program. You provide helpful tips to get comfortable in a very uncomfortable situation. When all a parent may want to do is hide from the situation or worry or stress out, you offer practical steps towards acceptance and healing. I think the team approach between parent, child and treatment providers works best to get the child back on the road to recovery.
Every parent with a child in a similar situation needs to hear this straight-forward and practical strategy to getting back on track.
Thanks for the support, Vishnu. While everyone’s situation is different, recovery does need tending to, and for parents, we need to wrap our heads around all is involved. It is a challenge for any family, but life can be so much better when we are able to put the substance abuse behind us and lead a healthy life. Take care!
I think it is so important to have a parent’s support if you are trying to be sober or in my case, very rarely ever drinking. It can be a difficult burden If a parent is pushing you to drink when you don’t want to. You already have to deal with your peers who probably are pushing you to drink too. I can have a drink or two and be fine, but usually I don’t drink. My friends, mainly one, gets on my case about needing to relax and drink more and it can be frustrating at times.
I think modeling self-care is important. Like you said, children often learn from their parents on how they act. This is a helpful post and I hope many parents can find it.
I agree that learning all we can about addiction is the key to getting “comfortable with the uncomfortable” and there are many days we need that ability to stay the course. When other family members expect total abstinence and strongly advise me to, “Cut out the cancer. Kick him out until he does the right thing,” my knowledge of what gets the best results allows me to accept their fear & frustrations with a respectful nod. Knowing that compassion and collaboration has proved to be our best option for getting the results we want and that recovery is often a “two steps forward and one step back” process has helped my son make remarkable progress over the past two years. Thank you for guiding us with your excellent understanding of how family & friends can best support recovery.
Wonderful Anne that your son has made remarkable progress over the past two years. That is so great to hear. The compassionate approach has made so much sense to me. Many parents who have embraced this concept have found their kids changing their life for the better, which is wonderful. I hope the word can spread not only to family members, but also to treatment centers, so that we can eliminate the cookie cutter approach to addiction. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Take care.