Sometimes the greatest compliment you can give another human being is to acknowledge them and let them know they are significant. ~ Diane Gottsman
When I was teaching fourth grade, I had various positive reinforcement methods to motivate my students. Some worked well, and others not so much.
But I realized that at the end of some days, I had neglected to reward any of my students, even though they were working hard. I would try and do better the next day, but it occurred to me that offering positive reinforcement and giving compliments come naturally to some and not so much to others. I realized I fell in the latter group.
And I don’t think I’m alone. Many other people have not mastered the art of giving a compliment.
Later on, I learned more about the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT )and Invitation to Change (ITC) approaches and how important positive reinforcement is when my child was in the midst of drug use. I was reminded that everyone likes to be acknowledged when they do something well
Behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated. Giving compliments is an enjoyable habit. You’re likely to find that complimenting your son, daughter, or any family member results in them doing what you like more often. You’ll feel good, and so will they.
When was the last time you went out of your way to give a compliment?
Giving compliments may feel awkward for you, so you may avoid it.
We live in a society where people tend to react negatively to what people do or don’t do. It’s easier to see the negative in a situation rather than look for the positive. And when my kids were struggling with drugs, it didn’t occur to me to look for what they were doing well. Instead, I focused on all that was going wrong.
We often don’t hold back our negative comments when things go wrong. Yet, it is human nature to hold back on giving positive comments when someone does something well. And it’s even more complicated when dealing with substance use because so much negative behavior tends to be happening.
You might be concerned about giving praise because you’re afraid your struggling child will misunderstand or misinterpret your compliment.
There may be many situations in your child’s substance use where you feel compliments might be misinterpreted or inappropriate. You may worry your son or daughter will think you approve of their substance use.
Connection
I’ve learned that showing appreciation and love for our kids, even in the midst of their problems, is an excellent way to stay connected and have positive communication.
If the compliment is given by someone close, like a parent or other family member, who is well-intentioned, it becomes a source of meaningful positive feedback.
In your day-to-day relationship, look for ways to compliment your child, so they know how much you appreciate them despite their problems. It is more difficult if your child lives outside your home, but you can still find ways to connect positively.
Please don’t wait until they do something incredible, like staying sober for a month. Instead, make it a habit to look for something small they are doing well daily. Acknowledge them and share your appreciation. Begin from a place of gratitude for what is going well.
Here are some ideas on how to give compliments that will help the most.
Be specific
Rather than say something like, “you did great today, share how you feel in a specific way. Be sure to add why you think they were great.
- Use open body language and keep your voice calm. It helps to smile and make eye contact.
- Compliment positive character traits: “I appreciated your kindness to your grandmother today.”
- Be specific: “I appreciate you emptying the dishwasher tonight.”
The goal is for your compliment to be heard as credible and coming from your heart.
And it’s better, to begin with, “I” rather than “You.”
- “I like how you were resourceful in getting a job.”
- “I like your new haircut.”
- “I appreciate how hard you are trying to change your life.”
If a kind word can help your child feel appreciated and better about themselves, it’s worth the effort.
Every day, take a moment to notice what your child is doing well. Find ways to acknowledge your son or daughter.
At first, you may surprise your child as they may have forgotten what it is like to be complimented. A kind phrase can make their day. It can begin the process of turning the corner on how they feel about themselves.
Compliment your child as often as possible whenever you notice they are doing positive things. It truly will help them to feel good about themselves.
Does your child need a drive-by compliment?
If your child is resistant to receiving compliments or skeptical that you have something up your sleeve, another approach is the drive-by compliment.
You don’t need to be in a car like the prankster, Blake Grisby is on YouTube, but you can give a short and sweet compliment and keep moving.
For example:
- “I enjoyed being with you today.” (as you walk out the door.)
- “Thank you for helping in the yard today.” (as you walk through the room.)
- “I’m so glad you made it to the counselor today, bye.” (as you hang up the phone. )
- “That shirt looks great on you. See you next week.” (as you leave in the car.)
Why not?
Why not be the person who is giving compliments and giving love. It will flow back to you, if not immediately; it eventually will as your child gets healthier.
You will become more self-confident in the process. It starts with being kind and complimentary to your child and other family members.
Help your child love themselves and create a positive environment for your family. Gratitude and mutual respect will be more present and help everyone feel better.
Let your child know you are sincere and mean what you say.
Another tip is that it helps to lower your voice a bit. It will make you sound more sincere and that you’ve thought about what you are saying. Your child will take it more seriously.
Also, slow down your words. It will give your child the impression that you’ve thought about your compliment. Your child should be able to clearly hear your kind words.
Since my teaching days, I’ve realized the value of compliments and how they can show appreciation and make everyone feel better.
And if, like me, it doesn’t come naturally to you, write yourself a note to remind yourself. As you focus on being more positive and giving more compliments, your brain naturally looks for things to acknowledge.
Give your child compliments. It’s a great way to show your love.
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