I’m thrilled to share my interview with my friend and fellow parent coach, Denise Mariano, who shares hope for the future. I met Denise last May in New York at the latest CRAFT training and love her enthusiasm and devotion to the cause of substance use prevention and support.
Please welcome Denise Mariano!
Click here to hear the audio version of our interview.
Briefly tell the readers who may not know you how you became involved in substance use advocacy.
I never had a plan or goal in mind but rather a journey that led to my advocacy work today. My story mirrors thousands of others — same chorus, different verse. It’s the paralyzing pain, fear, hopelessness, and financial ruin that we, as parents, experience when our children are struggling with addiction.
I hit the pavement in researching everything and anything addiction-related to gain some knowledge. I wanted to make an informed decision on what options we, as a family, had in helping our 19-year-old son. Little did I know, there were no options, no treatment, and no support.
At this time, I began learning how the system fails those struggling with addiction. Also, I began sharing all that I had learned with other parents on social media — anonymously.
In July 2013, I attended a screening of The Anonymous People, which turned out to be a pivotal moment in my life. I can remember leaving the theatre empowered to make a difference. Again, I had no plan or goal, but two things were certain. I would no longer be anonymous, and this journey I was on would shift to advocacy and volunteering.
You are a big supporter of United to Face Addiction. How will the event help families who are struggling with substance use? How can people get involved?
For far too long, families have been told that they are part of the problem when we can be part of the solution. There is no “one size fits all” in trying to help our loved ones. There is no one path to recovery.
Families can and do play a vital role in helping their children find recovery. Our son celebrated two years of recovery in June. Greg Williams says it perfectly:
The time has come for the afflicted and the affected to “come out” in a big way to humanize the addiction crisis and open people’s hearts to change.
It’s our time, too as families, to get involved, to be a face and be that source of hope for another family.
It is wonderful that you are involved in Family Naloxone Training in New Jersey. Please explain what is involved in the training and how people can learn about Naloxone training in their state.
First, I am so very grateful that many states now have Good Samaritan and Naloxone laws. Many lives are being saved! Family members are often, by default, the first responders. Yet, such training is almost non-existent in most states.
Through funding from an anonymous donor and in collaboration with the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids, we were so very fortunate to create an educational training program for families which included training and distribution of Narcan Kits.
My friend and fellow coach Pat Aussem was the driving force behind this program. Our intent is to also empower families with the necessary education, resources, and tools to help their loved ones find treatment. The program trains family members in the use of naloxone. It also includes education on addiction, treatment options, family support options, and resources – all tools that can also save a life.
In May, you were honored by the White House as a 2015 Advocate for Action and were recognized for your work to help reduce drug use and its consequences in your community! First of all, congratulations. Tell us about any insights from your experience in Washington, D.C.
Thank you! I can remember the day I learned of this honor. I truly could not wrap my head for an entire weekend. There were lots of emotions and some fear in there too. I remember saying, “Me? Can I do this?”
After the fear subsided a bit, I quickly came to the realization that this wasn’t all about me. It’s a “we” thing. It’s about the family voice and confirmation that families can and do make a difference. The fact that the ONDCP chose two parents as advocates speak volumes about the changing tides.
Of course, being at the White House and participating in a staff meeting in the West Wing was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. However, what truly made this day so very special was Director Botticelli and his amazing, passionate, and welcoming staff.
They represent positive change and hope for so many. There was a common theme through the many meetings and events throughout the day. They wanted to hear from us – collaborate with us. They believed in every advocate chosen – our voices and work mattered.
Finally, what thoughts of hope do you have for parents struggling with their child’s substance use issues?
First and foremost, never give up hope. A favorite quote of mine from David Sheff:
“Don’t give up hope on someone you love — there is always hope. There is always hope for someone until there isn’t. While there is hope, it’s our job to do anything we can do to get somebody we love into treatment.”
It is imperative that parents know that today, there are options for helping and supporting their loved ones struggling with addiction. The advice given too often is that we can’t help our children. We are told that tough love is the only way, and we must let them hit their bottom.
This black-and-white, cookie-cutter approach must change. Each child, together with their family, brings a different dynamic. Each family is unique. Too many, including parents, are giving the advice to kick loved ones out of the house, to detach, to let them hit bottom.
Tough love can work for some. However, we must respect all paths to recovery, and I think we must be careful to give advice. Tough love was not an option for our family. This was not an approach we would have taken if our child was sick with another medical disease. That being said,
I will never give advice based on what worked for our family but rather share what worked for us.
Sharing is caring. If you liked this interview, please share it on social media and send the link to someone in need. Thank you!
As a volunteer Parent Coach, Denise Mariano donates her time to offer peer-to-peer support and assistance to families who call the Partnership for Drug-Free Kid’s Parents Toll-Free Helpline. These parents often seek guidance on how to deal with their teen’s substance abuse issues and our coaches help direct them on what steps to take.
Recently Denise began providing training and free naloxone kits to equip family members with the knowledge and materials they need to immediately respond to and reverse an overdose should one occur. Denise also advocates for the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence in New Jersey, spearheading efforts to address addiction issues throughout the state.
Denise Mariano was honored recently as a 2015 Advocate for Action by the White House for her outstanding advocacy efforts in helping to reduce drug use and its consequences in her community. Denise joins eight other individuals and organizations receiving this award.
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Great interview, Cathy… and congratulations Denise on the important work you are doing. I really like what you said here, Denise, about “no one size fits all.” All of our stories have many common threads, but no two families are exactly alike. We need to advocate for our addicted loved ones at every opportunity, and do all we can to get them the help needed. There is always hope.
I’ll be in D.C. on October 4… hope to meet you there!
Thank you Barbara! I truly believe there is no one size fits all when it comes to trying to help our loved ones find recovery and most importantly, I feel that we must respect each path to recovery. There is always hope! So looking forward to meeting you in person on October 4th! It is going to be a beautiful day!
Thanks so much Barbara. You are so right that no two families are exactly alike. Each person finds their own way to recovery. That is so great that you are going to Washington, DC in October!
What do you do if you don’t want to kick your daughter out, but she won’t stop using? Should I tell her to go to rehab or she has to move out? She says rehab doesn’t work for her, so she said no. I cant have her use in my house and she won’t stop. So what do I do because now your saying don’t give up. But I don’t want it in my home and she’s not going to stop.
There are a number of options, but first let me just say that I know it is challenging for any parent when their child is using in the home. It feels invasive, chaotic and causes frustration, stress and sadness to be on the roller coaster of drug use. One suggestion that I would have for you is to reach out for help. It is hard to make these decision alone. I’m happy to chat with you, just send me some days and times that work and we’ll connect. My contact page is on the website menu.
Also I urge any parent that is struggling to call the Parent’s Toll-Free Helpline. Their number is 1-855-DRUGFREE(1-855-378-4373) via the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids. The hotline is open Monday to Friday from 10:00-6:00 PM Eastern time. There are now over 70 parent peer coaches who have been trained in the CRAFT approach which has proven to be more effective than Al-Anon or intervention in motivating your child to go to treatment or stop or lessen their drug use. A parent who wants the peer coaching receives approximately five sessions with a peer coach, so that they feel comfortable using the CRAFT strategies. There is no charge for this service, so I urge you to take advantage of this support which can begin the process of helping you and your daughter. All the best to you and thank you for stopping by.
Such a tough tough time. This is the chorus or the common threads we talk about as parents. As Cathy indicated, Maybe that first step is calling the helpline. Clinicians are there to hear your concerns and they can offer some help including the coaching programs. Cathy truly does offer a wealth of resources and support. I for one am so grateful I found her on social media during a difficult time.
Great interview! Thanks for sharing! I love and agree whole heartedly with Denise in that there is always hope and that too many people are getting wrapped up in this “tough love” approach which is too easily misinterpreted and misunderstood.
You never, ever give up on your loved ones. Every situation is different, but what is the same is that addiction is a disease that people can recover from. Every opportunity and chance at sobriety should be available and given and though boundaries are essential, we must all follow our hearts and guts when dealing with our loved ones. It took 5 years for my son to find true recovery, but he did and he’s just one of many examples of the importance of never giving up hope. He now is giving back and helping others get into treatment. Bless you both for your wonderful work and advocacy in this difficult field.
I’ll be there too October 4th! There is strength in numbers 🙂
It was encouraging to read Denise’s statement that tough love would not have worked for them – the issue that I am struggling with is the confrontations I am having with my husband over this idea of tough love. I think it is linked into how we each perceive addiction; he views it as more of a moral failing, and I view it as more of a biochemical disease. Therefore he believes in the tough love approach, and for my son (who is his stepson) I simply do not. I do believe in baby steps, in slowly making individuals accountable for their own actions and for their own independence and finances. He wants this to be a sprint, or a light switch that we can simply flip. but we all know this is a marathon.
Hi Ann,
I’m glad you found the interview encouraging, Ann. Collaboration between is important and I understand how it can be challenging when you view the situation differently. Would it be possible for you to agree to disagree, yet compromise in some areas so that you are not giving your son a mixed message. Overcoming drug use is a marathon and patience is always needed in these situations. Do things that support your child’s recovery in any way that you can. Positive reinforcement when he’s doing things well and allowing for natural consequences, so that he is responsible for his actions are two things that can be helpful. You, as a family decide what this looks like for your situation. All the best to you and I appreciate you stopping by!
Thank you Ann and yes, it truly is a marathon where collaboration is a common thread within many families and one we hear oh so often during parent coaching. Cathy mentioned the 20 Min. Guide above; there is some good info re: collaboration in the guide. Thank you again Ann.
Thank you Lynn – Your son’s recovery warms my heart – I just love hearing the good stuff. As to the tough love, it simply did not work for us, however, for those who went with this approach, I certainly respect that choice. Some might think I am questioning one approach vs. the other which is not the case. My concern is that this is the only cookie cutter advice so many of us receive time after time. With all other medical diseases, the individual/family is give a choice of options and resources. This, I love “Every opportunity and chance at sobriety should be available and given and though boundaries are essential, we must all follow our hearts and guts when dealing with our loved ones” Can’t wait to see everyone on 10.04.15!!
Thanks Lynn for stopping by. That is wonderful that your son found recovery and even better that he is giving back to others. That is so great! Thanks for joining the group in October. It is going to be an amazing event.
Dearest Cathy,
Thank you for always sharing knowledge and hope in your emails. Great interview. It is the only way forward “tough love”. There is always hope when families and friends help.
Substance abuse in South Africa is also so seriously out if hand, especially leading to so much pain and suffering. Tons of love.
Thanks for stopping by Lallie. I’m sorry to hear that substance use is out of hand in South Africa. It seems to be a world problem and hopefully some answers will come soon that will help people who are struggling. Tough love is one answer, however studies show that it is not the most effective approach. With tough love you may be yelling at your child or turning your back on them. It could be that the yelling and isolation is just giving your child one more reason to want to use drugs or alcohol. The research says that rather than detaching, encourage positive, behaviors that can be a substitute for the drug use. It is a complicated problem and there are many ways to approach it. I like the CRAFT approach because it has 40 years of research behind it. It makes so much more sense to me and I’ve seen it help the parents that I work with.
Cathy and Denise: Thank you for sharing this interview and thank you for all you do to help parents help their kids. My son has 3 plus years recovery and I was his biggest advocate during his years of active addiction and during his years of wanting recovery and having a hard time finding all the services needed to get there and stay there. I, too, would not want to tell another parent what to do because each life is unique and the road to recovery is their own – HOWEVER, that said, I do encourage parents to never give up hope, to always offer any help they can give to getting their child into recovery services. For my son, it took more than “just rehab” although I had no idea what it was going to take when I started. It took more than just AA. It took rehab, AA, NA, extending care, sober living, psychiatric hospital stays, outpatient psychiatric programs, free services, expensive services….it took a village. Thank God, that there are people out there that give back and help as best they can. I was my son’s mother and I was his advocate. Thank God, there were programs for me as well. This disease is frightening and we don’t know with certainty what tomorrow brings. But I can say that for these past 3 years, I have seen my son, as the young man he is, without the active disease. Any amount of time, energy and money has been worth it to see him well and functioning and thriving in this world. For today, he has sobriety. I am grateful. I am dedicated to helping other parents by sharing my story anytime I am asked. I will not be anonymous.
Judy thank you so much for sharing your story. That is wonderful that your son has had 3 years without the active disease. I would imagine you feel as I, that it is rewarding as parent to watch our kids come through this storm. It is great that you are helping other parents as well. I feel that both Denise and I want to get the message out that there are many ways to find recovery and your son’s experience is a good example of that. It is disconcerting to hear that there is only one solution. We need to have patience, do our homework and find what works for our child. It could be a 12 step program, but it could also be something more like a SMART Recovery approach or a person may come up with their own plan that fits their needs. We just want people to be open to all possibilities. I appreciate your input and the work that you are doing to help others.
Judy!!! Thank you Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt it will inspire many and be that source of hope for another family reading this thread. This Judy is spot on on “For my son, it took more than “just rehab” although I had no idea what it was going to take when I started” I don’t think any of us know where this journey will end up taking us. The reason I like this quote “Forgive yourself for not know what you didn’t know before your learned it”
Dear Cathy and Denise
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for continuing to provide words of wisdom and seeds of hope to all of us parents struggling with a child who has this disease. I am also a parent coach for CRAFT and have found the wisdom of the Parents 20 Minute Guide to be a huge help to me and to the other parents I have coached.
Initially I was skeptical because Alanon and Naranon have been such a huge part of my life while my son was struggling, but what I have learned is that “We can take what we want and leave the rest”. While I do not subscribe to “tough love”, there was a time in my son’s journey – after he had been in many months of treatment over the course of 2 years, but was still ambivalent about changing his ways – when I had to trust and hope that he had the tools and skills to use when he was ready for sobriety. I never stopped communicating with him, loving him and supporting him emotionally, but ultimately he did need to find his own way financially. The small successes he had being on his own was the positive reinforcement he needed to want to become and stay sober. Our family “stayed close” to him at all times and he knew he had our unending love and support. He knew he could ask for us to pay for treatment if he wanted to go again, but I believe that feeling the pain of his choices is what made him ready to stop using. There is a fine line between enabling and letting go and I believe that the CRAFT skills are the only way to navigate this frightening journey. No two journey’s are alike but this is what worked for us. My son is now 15 months sober and we are beyond grateful.
Thanks, Nancy for sharing your story and your experiences using the CRAFT approach. I agree that each situation is different and people can pick from the resources available what work best for them.
One of the issues is that not as many people are aware of CRAFT and the benefits, so that is one of the reasons I want to continue to share stories like Denise’s so that we can all pass the word a bit more.
Thank you for all that you are doing to help others. That is wonderful that your son has found recovery. What a blessing!
Thank you Nancy for sharing your story – wonderful insight for other parents on this journey. While there is no right way or wrong way in how we travel this journey, such insight can be so powerful for another family. I am so very grateful to Cathy for allowing me to share my story; my hope to just send a message that there is more than one path to recovery.
I was so excited to see you’d interviewed Denise, Cathy! I LOVE your work Denise – your passion and your mission and your message. THANK YOU!!! I so agree with your sentiment, “This black and white, cookie-cutter approach must change. Each child together with their family brings a different dynamic. Each family is unique.”
And thank you both for this terrific interview. As always, Cathy, you provide incredibly helpful information and are to be commended for ALL the work you do on behalf of families, those who struggle with an SUD and parents.
Thank YOU Lisa for all your wonderful work. I can remember early on in this journey finding both you and Cathy. I learned so very much- new found knowledge that was key in my not giving up hope and knowing too that I was not alone. We can never have enough knowledge and I am grateful to you both.
Thank you for this great article. I am almost ready to give up, but your article inspires me to keep going. I would never give up if it was “cancer” I love my son and always will. Our city has little to no resources except AA.
Thank you again, I will share this article with him also. Sincerely
Jacqueline
Hi Jacqueline,
Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. There are many resources out there for the variety of situations that can occur. Some alternatives are Smart Recovery Groups and SOS. They do have resources online if there is not a group in your area. Another alternative is to connect with a recovery coach who can work with your son and support his recovery. They are not affiliated with any particular group. Recovery coaching International could be one place to start – http://www.recoverycoaching.org/
CRAFT is a wonderful resource for parents. Be sure to check out the 20 Minute Guide for parents at http://the20minuteguide.com/parents/. You can also buy the book online at Amazon. Beyond Addiction and Get Your Loved One Sober are two books that can be helpful as well.
All the best to you and know there is hope for your son.
Cathy, Another resource worth mentioning for parents or partners is http://www.addictionthenextstep.com – Free interactive CRAFT scienareos.
How can I get involved, we are already Facebook friends, my son had passed away. But how do I get involved in something, I mean really involved to make a difference, I’ve done the rally stuff,but I need to do more. I want to write a book, but it’s hard to get my thoughts down on paper. I don’t have a lot of money, but what can I do.its been 4 1/2 yrs since my son Kevin passed away. I’m still hurting, forever, but I’m at a stand still. Thank you,
Jacqueline Periman
HI Jacqueline,
I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family for the loss of your son. How generous of you that you want to get involved. There are many ways to help.
Here a few ideas to get you started. You could contact the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids and let them know you are interested in helping. They may have a new project that you could get involved. in. Facing Addiction is an advocacy group that I’m sure would appreciate volunteers. You might also reach out the the GRASP recovery group which helps parents who have lost a child due to addiction, or The Compassionate Friends which helps parents when they’ve lost a child.
I hope you are able to find a project that feels like a good fit. Thank you for stopping by and all the best to you going forward.
Do you know any help for financial help for grandparents who raise grandkids I’m raising A 9 yr old that’s here due to his mom and dad using drugs and in and out of prison! We live on my social security and barely scrap by!
Thank you
Becerly