What Would You Do Differently If You Weren’t Afraid?

Do you find yourself constantly afraid for your child’s safety?

What would you do differently if you weren’t afraid?

I heard this question asked on a podcast I was listening to recently.

It got me thinking about my work and other areas of my life. I would do things differently if I weren’t afraid, such as would be making more videos or speaking more often. I like speaking once I’m doing it, but my fear holds me back from taking on those opportunities.

Psychology Today also had what I thought was an interesting take on “fear:”

“Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger; it has strong roots in human evolution. If people did not feel fear, they couldn’t protect themselves from legitimate threats, which in the ancestral world frequently resulted in life-or-death consequences. In the modern world, individuals often fear situations where the stakes are much lower, but their body and brain still treat the threat as lethal. This can trigger an extreme, and often unnecessary, fight-flight-or-freeze response. As a result, people may find themselves avoiding challenges that could benefit them in the long run or hanging back during social interactions for no good reason.”

I’ve also noticed recently how many parents are driven by fear when making decisions around their struggling son or daughter.

Two significant fears that you may have when it comes to your child struggling with addiction are:

1. You will lose control over your child and their addiction. We can invite our children to change, but we cannot control their substance use. We cannot decide for our adult children to seek recovery or not. For a parent trying to manage the situation, resorting to giving money or other things to try and prop them up is a type of bribe that rarely works. Trying to fix your child usually leads to frustration and resentment. Even though most of us know we can’t control our child’s substance use, it can sometimes be hard to let go of trying.
   
2. The second fear that of losing your child is complicated because substance use can be life-threatening. This fear is understandable as most of us know someone who has lost a child because of an overdose. We know addiction can be a fatal disease. At the same time, many have recovered. Anyone using drugs or alcohol has the chance to try again to change their life.
   

For either of these fears, step back and think through your decisions. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to control my child? Am I basing my decisions on fear?

Decisions based on fear are about keeping you in your comfort zone as much as possible. They aren’t about what is in the best interest of your child.

Being afraid leads to trying to control

So, fear and control can take center stage when trying to make judgment calls that have to do with family substance use.

Step back and take a hard look at what you are doing. You can ask yourself if your actions are helping or hindering your son or daughter’s progress.

If you give your child a boundary, it is crucial to stick to that rule. If you backpedal, change your mind, or make excuses about why you aren’t going to follow through with the consequence, you lose your child’s respect. You’ve also given your power away.

So, the first step is not to make any rules that you aren’t 100% sure you will follow through on.

Second, ask yourself the real reason that you are backing down on your consequence.

Don’t let your fear of what could happen to your child hold you back from making decisions that will support his recovery.

This quote from Sober Nation can apply to those in recovery as well as family members:

“Fear is an emotion that drives addiction and also stops you from being happy in recovery. Overcoming fear is one of the biggest challenges for people with the disease of addiction, and you have to learn how to do it. Fear is a natural emotion in all of us, and we feel fear so that we can protect ourselves from danger. However, sometimes, you also need to protect yourself from worry. If you aren’t facing and overcoming fear, then you’re letting it run your life.”

Our kids also struggle with being afraid.

Fear of change is common among people struggling with substance use.  There are many unknowns when it comes to recovery. Your child may fear that they will not succeed in recovery. They may be fearful of the recovery process. Having tools to cope can help you and your child.

 It is scary when our kids are using substances because they are not making the best decisions. We want to step in and give them advice and try to get them to change their behavior. 

Often, being afraid of leaving what they know behind hold our sons or daughters back from change. Please give your support and let your child know that you believe in him or her. Your child will be better able to believe in themselves if they know they have your support and confidence.

Use your fear to empower yourself to move forward.

An excellent way to help yourself let go of your fear is to brainstorm all your options. You could do this by yourself, with your partner, or with your child if he is interested in joining you.

Use the Following Ten Conversation Starters to Journal or Discuss Possible Action Plans to help you feel less afraid and move forward:

1. What would I do differently if I weren’t afraid?
2. How are my deepest fears holding me back?
3. What internal pressure is driving my response?
4. What’s the right thing to do here?
5. How am I experiencing this situation? What emotions are coming to the surface?
6. What does my ideal life look like without fear?
7. How is my body reacting? Close your eyes for a few moments and pay attention. What sensations do you have? What do they mean?
8. Write down one thing that terrifies you. Is it keeping you safe or preventing you from living the life you want?
9. How would my day be different if I wasn’t scared for my child?
10. If you had to share some tips to help another parent get over their fear, what would they be, and how have they helped you?

You are the only one who can decide if you will live in fear of the future or live and trust the future will unfold positively.

When you can stop being afraid of what could go wrong and more focused on what could go right, you’ll feel more energized and freer to listen to your inner wisdom.

Here are seven reminders to keep in mind to help you feel less afraid.

1. Don’t wait for your fear to subside to take action. Take action, and you will gain strength and energy.
2. Don’t allow fear to paralyze you. Use it to propel you forward.
3. Do what you can to face your future without fear.
4. Your decisive action will help you overcome your fear.
5. Have the courage to do the right thing. Courage is more important than fear.
6. When we do nothing, we allow our fear to take control.
7. Through this process, don’t let your fears paralyze you. Find ways to help yourself cope in a better way.

You’ll gain strength and empowerment when you feel less afraid.

Does your fear stem from what is best for your child? Or has a fear of the future gotten the best of you?

Make a plan for what you can and cannot tolerate. If you decide on a boundary, ensure you are 100% ready to follow through. Otherwise, go back to your list and try again. 

If you waffle in your decision-making around your child’s consequences, it supports their continued substance use.

Remember, if we give our kids the message that they will not survive in the world without their parents being in control, we are handicapping them.

They won’t believe that you will ever be serious about boundaries, and they could be right.

Finally, here are two final quotes to motivate you to work through your fears.

“Remember, F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything and Rise.’ The choice is yours.” ~ Zig Ziglar

“Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them, and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade, and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass”. ~ Daniell Koepke

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